To be pissed DH sneaks his friends in EVERYTHING

[ivfregret]

I like my DHs friends on the whole but he has to always see them they're involved in EVERYTHING.

It's really pissing me off.

This weekend alone they've made an appearance yesterday, this morning - he finds a way to involve them in everything despite he said he's not even feeling well.

In a weekend he often sees them 3 or 4 separate occasions, they often come to Meals with us, gym workouts I'm just fed UO with it.

AIBU?

This. He sounds infantile.

You're not unreasonable.

I'd keep talking to him.
Is he willing to compromise at all?

You need a change in his attitude. But we all know change is hard and near impossible when it's not what they want.

Sorry, but I think the only way for this to be fair is to keep being firm about your boundaries, and being prepared that he might choose to walk away from the relationship altogether.

I have an ex perpetually like this. He is now married and has children but lives in a house next to his wife so she has her (their as the children live with her) space. She seems to think it's all cool, but there's no way I'd have children with someone who cannot prioritise their own children.

yes it’s not weird at all. I’m not friends with most of my friends partners although they’re lovely and we have a hello hug and a quick chat when I go over.

What’s weird is his friends constantly been over every weekend and not giving his wife any notice. there’s no friend I see every single week let alone go to their house every weekend.

Hes basically preparing you to be at home woth the kids st the weekend whole he goes put to play. Think that through.

Can you start inviting your friends over more and see what his response is? It’ll be interesting to see if he’s as enthusiastic as he feels you should be or he starts to get irritated.

If you do have kids, this will not stop and you will be left holding the baby so to speak

Unless you are mega young .this situation sounds like he is afraid of intimacy with you.Sure dont spend every waking moment together ,but do have time alone! Maybe break things off .He is being immature

I agree.

You've married a man who thinks you're his mate, not his wife.

That's fine if you're going out and getting pissed/eating takeaways etc and not having kids together. They've allowed you into their pack as an honour, because you're a woman. You should feel grateful.

It really won't be an equal marriage if you were pregnant or had a baby with him. All childcare etc is going to fall on you. He will still go out with his "Tribe".

You don't really matter that much to him, he'll still prioritise his mates over you.

You might be too different to make this work op. Some people just love being part of a group.

Could you get your own life sorted?? I mean have a few friends if you choose to go out with them, exclude him, have some hobbies, set yourself up a hobby room he doesn't have access to.

This is a bit weird.

Going away with his parents - ridiculous.

BTW why don't his friends have families. Doesn't his DP''s have friends of their own?

Maybe actually make a practice of walking around naked, or something approximating. He'll have to rethink!

He also says that long term it's a problem if he can't see how friends as much as he's very sociable and it's my issue if I have a problem with it

Is he actually a teenager? It's totally normal for a grown adult who is in a commited relationship to want time just with their partner, however "sociable" they are.

Your OP took me right back to being 17 years old. When I look back now I can't believe how much time I wasted tagging along with boyfriends who expected me to just slot into their plans with friends. Pretending I wasn't bored out of my mind at the skatepark, or watching whatever stupid film they all thought was hilarious at the time, or watching their friends shit bands playing in grotty pubs. Telling myself it was a compliment that they wanted to include me in all that stuff, when actually it was a way of putting in time with a girlfriend without having to make any actual effort or compromising on what they wanted to do. I put up with it then because I was young and I didn't know any different. But why are you putting up with this shit now? You deserve so much better. He actually thinks you should feel "privileged" to be allowed to tag along with him and his friends...what a joke.

I agree with PP this will only get worse if you have a baby with him. He clearly has no intention of prioritising your relationship over his social life. Once a baby comes along you will still have all his mates turning up at your house, waking the baby up, disturbing your routine and robbing you of what should be precious family bonding time. If you complain, he will just disappear to his friends house or the gym or the pub or whatever he's into and you'll be left doing it all alone.

He’s not sociable. He’s lazy and self-centered. He’s prioritising himself, AND making the least effort. I would seriously reconsider. You’re not going to get anything but resentment out of it him when there’s a baby waking in the night and work/chores to do. See this as a sign. It does NOT bode well.

Let me guess he acts like an overgrown teenager in other ways too.

Cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.

I see two separate issues here.

The first is that your husband is very close to his friends and spends a lot of time with them. I presume you're both relatively young and haven't been married long, so it's not entirely surprising. It takes quite some time to change your mindset from single life to married life. It's OK to have friends and make time to see them as they're clearly important to him. It can't be to the total exclusion of his married life though. There has to be some time which is just the pair of you together, IMO. You're not unreasonable to be annoyed that he keeps bringing them into events without consulting you. It definitely sounds like FOMO.

The other issue is that they're often showing up unannounced at your house, which I don't think is acceptable. It's both of your space, you're not happy with it, and you have a right to speak up about it. Every relationship is about compromise and sometimes people will have to change their ways to accommodate the other person. He has to understand that even if you get on with someone, that doesn't mean you always want to see them unexpectedly. He's not being at all respectful of your boundaries and space at the moment.

As others have said, think twice about whether you want a child with him. You might think it's going to force him to grow up and become responsible, but people who actually want to are entirely capable of doing this without needing to have children. He's unlikely to be an engaged father in his current state and it'll just lead to further resentment.

So, if you are exhausted, 3 hours sleep with a tiny baby, struggling to breastfeed, will they still be in and out then?

If the answer if yes, then you need to have a good think about what you hope your future looks like. Of course, a balance must be stuck but this sounds like he's not even willing to consider your feelings in this.

Massive red flag 🚩

when you have a baby this is going to be absolutely soul destroying. It’s not about being “uncool” - the reality of a baby/ giving birth is you are going to want privacy and a quiet house for a while. If he doesn’t see this you’ll be driven insane.

From the dynamic you described and what he said, I have a feeling if you had children together, he'd probably leave you to them on the weekend and bugger off with his friends - as they can't join in the friend group.

He sounds like a decent guy with nice friends. It wouldn’t bother me.

I couldn’t have a future with a man like this. It would drive me crazy.

Stop trying for babies, he sounds like he needs to grow up himself first.

I don't get his attitude. It's fine for him to have friends. Nice, in fact. But he makes time for them but never for you.

He's right when he says that it's a bigger problem going forward. I think you should stop TTC until you have figured this out, it doesn't sound like something that will get better with time. I can see both sides, and don't necessarily think he is wrong, perhaps he's not quite ready for the type of relationship that you are.