To be pissed DH sneaks his friends in EVERYTHING

[ivfregret]

I like my DHs friends on the whole but he has to always see them they're involved in EVERYTHING.

It's really pissing me off.

This weekend alone they've made an appearance yesterday, this morning - he finds a way to involve them in everything despite he said he's not even feeling well.

In a weekend he often sees them 3 or 4 separate occasions, they often come to Meals with us, gym workouts I'm just fed UO with it.

AIBU?

You sound weirder tbh. My dh is friendly with my friends but he wouldn't catch up with them alone or message other than for logistical reasons. He probably doesn't actually have many of their contact details. Similarly I wouldn't consider his friends as mine either but if one of his friends comes to collect their dc from ours, I'd make his a coffee and have a quick chat. But that's completely different from being friends. More friendly acquaintances.
Then we have some joint friends. Normal.

Stop TTC.

He is a man child and will not change.

Why did you marry someone who clearly has zero wish to spend any time with you?

Why would you inflict him on a poor child?

He has shown you very clearly who, where and what his priorities are, and it is not you.

Wake up to the truth or ruin your life by having a child with him.

I wouldn't be struggling to ttc with this man tbh, because it will get worse with the bromance group when you have dc. Men aren't going to be interested and you'll be sitting right outside the group.
Let him do his male bonding and you need a guy who wants to spend time with you and not his pals quite so much.

If you're not happy with the 'friends always around multipole times daily' or him threatening to just go off with them and leave you on your own then if you don't like it, then do NOT have children with him. He is not going to change. And you will be stuck alone with your children.

I wouldn't say it's weird to classify some friends as your partners/yours particularly groups eg OH golf buddies, my work friends etc. Yes you become friendly but often not close. In my experience you're more likely to buddy up on equal terms with another couple. Yes, he might be OHs best mate, but you're now friends with him and his wife....ghe four of you are good friends but you'd still be less likely to ask OHs mate to the cinema alone.

Besides, that's not really what the post is about. It's ghat he seems incapable of having exclusive family/couple time. He wants his mates involved far too much.

Flip it round, the Op has mates that she spent so much time with dh would probably be totally pissed off and quite right so.

It doesn’t change after kids, I suggest you find a real man. When a man really loves a woman he doesn’t do this imo. I am saying this as I have been there and seen both sides, we have a child together. This lifestyle leads to so much resentment.

After your updates, this is bigger than you think op. It's your house too. You have as much right to have a say in who comes and goes as he does. He is bang out of order to say he is going to carry on as he pleases and you have to suck it up.
I'm afraid I think he's using you - probably as someone to shag and do the housework and possibly bear him a child - but he doesn't seem to want to spend time in just your company. I'm sorry op but I'd be rethinking this marriage - this isn't a little problem, it's a sign of a big one.

Stop TTC. Don't have kids with him it will not get better

To all those picking up on my first comment, yeah I agree, I had imagined a quite different scenario to the one that emerged after a few more of ops posts.

As you’re married you e obviously been together a while, so when did it start bothering you ?

His use of the word 'privileged' is interesting. Is he always a misogynist twat?

I’m sorry OP. But I would put plans to TTC on hold. Your DH doesn’t sound fully engaged in marriage - never mind adding fatherhood to it.

With your update I agree with others saying leave him. He isn’t going to change so you either have this life or you leave.

I had an ex like this. I don’t mind doing certain things with a group but I wanted us to do more just as a couple. He couldn’t see my issue at all said his mates always included him when he was single. It actually got to point when we had stuff planned as a couple then his mate would turn up at mine on Saturday evening saying ‘you don’t mind me joining you’

Hence he’s now my ex.

Say something. A big thing. Chance for DH to change.

It won’t get better otherwise, if at all.

He’ll tell you it’s you. It’s him.

You can do better.

How's the ttc going? Just wondering if he's worried if you're alone if he's expected to perform to a schedule around your fertility and this is his way out? Or had it anyways been this way?

Ultimately though it's a compatibility issue and if you've been together this long and nothings changed then you need to do what's right for you, even if that's leaving

Just clocked your username, OP.
I also think you need to stop TTC / stop the appointments.

Might be hard to hear but he really isn’t that into you.
You are not enough

He says he loves his friends and he loves you
Notice there isn’t any distinction between you and his friends.

If you feel your home is your sanctuary, as many people do, DH's friends dropping in at will must feel like an intrusion into your personal space. TBH, it sounds as if you are an introvert married to an extrovert; it can work, but requires a lot of understanding and respect on both sides. In your situation, I'd be stepping back to consider whether your marriage can survive in the long term. Only you know if your DH is capable of recognising the problem, which is the first step, but from what you've written it sounds as if he has no interest in resolving the problem. Children with this man at this point would be a huge mistake.

Please listen to what he is saying. He is telling you loud and clear that they will always be a big part of his life and at times he would not be prioritising you. He is telling you this quite clearly. A friend of mine recently got divorced because of something similar. His friends and her often tied together in situations and she became the problem for not accepting that. So she hoped and thought she could change him, had 2 kids with him and finally saw what he was telling her all along. He also had this weird FOMO about his friends. If you are saying that you don't want that level of social interaction, you need to listen to him.

You need to get out of him( this could prove very difficult if he isn't good at communicating) the true reason as to why he needs this much male company.
Once this is established he needs to understand/ be reminded that this "need" also has repercussions on you and on his relationship with you and your consolidation as a couple and family.
I don't know how old the both of you are, or how long you have been together, but it seems that he is still hanging on to the "group dynamic" that is often found in younger men and is essentially scared of having to partially let go of this during the intense child rearing years.
That's my take anyway 😆

Sounds like he hasn’t grown up. I wouldn’t have kids him.

And friends came on holiday, whenever you visited the friends were there, every weekend friends were over on both days, friends always popping by, etc. It really became clear when Covid hit and he couldn't cope with just his family. They were not enough, just like how you don't seem to be for him. Listen to him, he is loud and clear you can choose to ignore or wise up.

My partner does this, OP. It drives me mad. Example: I ask if he wants to see X play or go to Y exhibition. He invites a few of his friends. Every, single, time.