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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL living in the past and jealous

94 replies

pinkah · 26/05/2023 16:58

My MIL is a very frustrating human. I try and try and try to look past it, think it's just me. Blame myself for being the weird one. But she continues to annoy me and to bate me, I feel.

examples:

  • always referring to her kids and what she did with them when they were little. ' oh they ate cornflakes, so my grandkids must eat cornflakes. '. Checks if I have cornflakes and reminds me and asks me why I don't have cornflakes. Brings cornflakes. I don't mind Cornflakes at all, but it's just annoying. Sometimes I run out and give them something else. Why does she go on and on about it?
  • I gave my kids milk in the morning first thing, why don't you ? You need to give them milk. Continues to remind me and ask me about it. Even though I've made my routine clear.
  • goes on and on about how she doesn't like to use wipes when cleaning bottoms and how it's not clean and bad for them. Takes them for a wash at each nappy change. I use wipes..
  • wants to teach kids the prayers she used to say with her own kids
  • wants to give kids all old toys / clothes she used for her kids
  • generally just wants to always put her stamp on everything we do, with some story from what she did with her kids
  • gets jealous if kids refuse to be comforted by her and snatches them out of my hands when I'm comforting them

There's a lot more. I know in isolation it's not big stuff, but put together, it's really annoying. Especially because I never even talk about what I did as a kid and how I want to pass things on etc. neither does my own mum. Some stuff is ' passed down ' automagically. But I don't feel the need to go on and on about it, like she does. It makes me feel like she's always trying to claim her connection to them.

OP posts:
FLOWER1982 · 26/05/2023 17:00

Sounds like she’s trying to make conversation. Just smile and say that’s nice. Move on.

Fairislefandango · 26/05/2023 17:02

She sounds very irritating. Just reply cheerfully and calmly 'Oh that's nice, but we prefer to do X'. Upgrade to a sharp 'We'll fo things our way, thanks' as necessary.

Redebs · 26/05/2023 17:08

You are interpreting her efforts as controlling, but I get the impression that she is trying to help you bring up your children by suggesting things she did and that worked for her. She wants to be helpful.

Toys and clothes were expensive a few decades ago and were designed to last. You might want new, but she's trying to help you out by saving you the expense. Also, there is something heartwarming seeing a new generation using things that were carefully packed away.

She's reliving a time when she brought up children without lots of the advantages you have. Try to appreciate her love and maybe take time for a chat and ask how she managed back then. You might find it quite an eye-opener and gain new respect for this lady.

Mehmeh22 · 26/05/2023 17:15

Completely get it. Every word. My MIL was the same and I think it's cause it was the one thing she can say she's good at. She used to undermine me ALL THE TIME. I tried nodding and smiling, telling her politely no, being blunt-everything. She just didn't get it.

You can't stop her but you definitely need to get your husband on board to tell her to back off. My husband had to keep telling her that she's had her time, now its his. Back off lol

She will be offended. She will blame you. But take the hit for your sanity.

Im no contact now and as much as it is sad, Im free lol.

Original poster
pinkah · 26/05/2023 17:15

I think it's the incessant repeating of things that also makes it super frustrating.

OP posts:
Mehmeh22 · 26/05/2023 17:18

My MIL would keep going on and on and on....repeat repeat repeat. Then just do what she wanted anyway. First I'd nod and smile, eventually just saying no bluntly. Then I was the bad guy for being blunt (doesn't matter the 500 times you've tried to peck my head about it lol)

Fandabedodgy · 26/05/2023 17:50

Smile and nod and ignore.

elliejjtiny · 26/05/2023 17:55

I feel your pain. My mil doesn't do this but is very stereotypical about roles for men and women. Sometimes when she comes round I extend the dining table and dh cooks dinner just to wind her up.

Allwelcone · 26/05/2023 18:23

Mine did this, not with advice but gave dreadful hand me downs and rhen demanded to see them being used. Told her truthfully the baby had vomited all over it so I'd chucked it.
She was really offended but hey no more hand me downs

Your MIL sounds nostalgic and is falling back on old familiar routines.

takealettermsjones · 26/05/2023 18:41

It is annoying. But I think I'd ignore everything besides the snatching DC from you when you're comforting them. I'd be saying something about that but just doing a secret eye roll about the rest.

Noicant · 26/05/2023 19:33

I think theres an element of DD’s being more likely to pass on traditions from their family to their own children. When it’s your DIL she will more likely do what come naturally to her (which may be similar to how she was raised). Perhaps she on some levels feels that something will be lost if you don’t do what she does.

cptartapp · 26/05/2023 19:50

Just see less of her.

Natty13 · 26/05/2023 20:07

There's a simple solution here.
"I did X with my kids"
"You should feed them Y idod that with mine"
"You need to do Z, that's what I always did"

You say: "and did your MIL also tell you what to do constantly with your own kids?" with a wry smile. Don't say it in a mean way, it will get the point across well enough if you say it with a pleasant/teasing tone.

JudgeJ · 26/05/2023 20:13

Redebs · 26/05/2023 17:08

You are interpreting her efforts as controlling, but I get the impression that she is trying to help you bring up your children by suggesting things she did and that worked for her. She wants to be helpful.

Toys and clothes were expensive a few decades ago and were designed to last. You might want new, but she's trying to help you out by saving you the expense. Also, there is something heartwarming seeing a new generation using things that were carefully packed away.

She's reliving a time when she brought up children without lots of the advantages you have. Try to appreciate her love and maybe take time for a chat and ask how she managed back then. You might find it quite an eye-opener and gain new respect for this lady.

We kept all our children's Fisher Price from the 70s/80s, when it was far better plastic than now, and all our grandchildren loved playing with it when they were small.

Jellifulfruit · 26/05/2023 20:30

Redebs · 26/05/2023 17:08

You are interpreting her efforts as controlling, but I get the impression that she is trying to help you bring up your children by suggesting things she did and that worked for her. She wants to be helpful.

Toys and clothes were expensive a few decades ago and were designed to last. You might want new, but she's trying to help you out by saving you the expense. Also, there is something heartwarming seeing a new generation using things that were carefully packed away.

She's reliving a time when she brought up children without lots of the advantages you have. Try to appreciate her love and maybe take time for a chat and ask how she managed back then. You might find it quite an eye-opener and gain new respect for this lady.

No, I don’t sense this at all. Nice that you’re laying devils advocate, but… did you even read the first point?!

it’s light suggestions, its straight up unsolicited advice. That is being FORCED upon someone who doesn’t want it 🙂

Jellifulfruit · 26/05/2023 20:32

❤️

MIL living in the past and jealous
Original poster
pinkah · 26/05/2023 20:35

Jellifulfruit · 26/05/2023 20:32

❤️

Wow...

I know you have good intentions in posting this..

But some of these would really alienate a lot of people. I wonder if people who use this kind of stuff have any friends or family that don't secretly hate them.

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 26/05/2023 20:36

I'd be tempted to say to her 'Your MIL made you change all of your routines to what she wanted, then?' and when she says no, tell her you're not going to either!

Hollyppp · 26/05/2023 20:42

MIL sounds like a pain in the ass.

I would be going out my way not to buy cornflakes ever again. No one tells me what I give my child for breakfast.

I would be especially pissed off at any attempts to comfort my child when they specifically want me over grandparent

Hollyppp · 26/05/2023 20:43

pinkah · 26/05/2023 20:35

Wow...

I know you have good intentions in posting this..

But some of these would really alienate a lot of people. I wonder if people who use this kind of stuff have any friends or family that don't secretly hate them.

Show quote history

I would totally say some similar thing to my own mother eg please respect our parenting decisions, we aren’t going to parent like you did when we’ve read some more recent evidence etc

Jellifulfruit · 26/05/2023 20:43

pinkah · 26/05/2023 20:35

Wow...

I know you have good intentions in posting this..

But some of these would really alienate a lot of people. I wonder if people who use this kind of stuff have any friends or family that don't secretly hate them.

Show quote history

😂 what are you on about? It’s for family/friends who have offer unsolicited/unreasonable/unnecessary advice, as what it seems you’ve been posting about. It’s a guide to laying boundaries with family and friends who say or do things that make them feel uncomfortable OR are constantly told not to do X Y Z.

for example, I have asked family members not to emotionally manipulate my children into hugging them goodbye when they don’t want to. “Give me a hug goodbye or I’ll cry.” I’ve said a few times “please don’t do that. I’m not raising people pleasers - if they don’t want to please respect that. Maybe do a high 5”. Sometimes they moan, go on about how they did things in their day, it never did us any harm yadda yadda but I have to tell them that we’re raising our children in a certain way please respect that.

my kids aren’t responsible for your feelings. They have consent of their own body if people can’t respect things like that then yes, I’ll reiterate boundaries. If it makes them back off then so be it, bye with your bullshit. Whether you class that as “alienation”, is up to you

Polly345 · 26/05/2023 20:45

I wish I had stood up to my xmil.
Unknown to me she was giving DS a substantial amount of money every month. No wonder he had no incentive to get a Saturday job.
The one that really got to me was telling DS he didn't have to brush his teeth 'if he didn't want to.'
Sending support. Be strong!

sadsack78 · 26/05/2023 20:46

I don't have kids yet but my MIL talks obsessively about what my DH and his sister were like as babies and small children to the point where she does repeat stories I've heard many times before. I try and smile and nod and move the conversation along when I can do it subtly.

I can't speak for your MIL but I think mine does it because she has a lot of grief about her children growing up and becoming adults. I think she felt like it'd be that way forever and didn't cope with her kids wanting to get married and have lives that didn't revolve around their parents. I think she wants to live in the time where her kids were little as much as she can. Her life now is a bit empty- no grandchildren she thought she'd have, both of her adult kids are chronically ill, and my SIL has been NC with her for some time now.

Maybe your MIL is going through something similar? Maybe she doesn't have enough going on in her life for her to feel fulfilled and she is putting all her obsessive energy into getting to be kind-of-a-parent again? Which is pretty sad and lonely behaviour.

This might not be the case at all. If it is, it might help you be able to brush it off and feel a bit less irritated by it if you can see her behaviour through this lens.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 26/05/2023 20:46

It sounds incredibly annoying

FirstFallopians · 26/05/2023 20:47

Oh Christ this would do my tits in, OP.

I’d have to get DH to have a word about unsolicited advice and just asking her to enjoy her grandkids rather than trying for a second run at parenting.

I could bite my tongue through most of what you’ve laid out, but I’d find it very difficult to let her advice about the prayers go.

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