MIL living in the past and jealous

[pinkah]

My MIL is a very frustrating human. I try and try and try to look past it, think it's just me. Blame myself for being the weird one. But she continues to annoy me and to bate me, I feel.

examples:

• always referring to her kids and what she did with them when they were little. ' oh they ate cornflakes, so my grandkids must eat cornflakes. '. Checks if I have cornflakes and reminds me and asks me why I don't have cornflakes. Brings cornflakes. I don't mind Cornflakes at all, but it's just annoying. Sometimes I run out and give them something else. Why does she go on and on about it?

• I gave my kids milk in the morning first thing, why don't you ? You need to give them milk. Continues to remind me and ask me about it. Even though I've made my routine clear.

• goes on and on about how she doesn't like to use wipes when cleaning bottoms and how it's not clean and bad for them. Takes them for a wash at each nappy change. I use wipes..

• wants to teach kids the prayers she used to say with her own kids

• wants to give kids all old toys / clothes she used for her kids

• generally just wants to always put her stamp on everything we do, with some story from what she did with her kids

• gets jealous if kids refuse to be comforted by her and snatches them out of my hands when I'm comforting them

There's a lot more. I know in isolation it's not big stuff, but put together, it's really annoying. Especially because I never even talk about what I did as a kid and how I want to pass things on etc. neither does my own mum. Some stuff is ' passed down ' automagically. But I don't feel the need to go on and on about it, like she does. It makes me feel like she's always trying to claim her connection to them.

Also, who gives a fuck if being an advocate for your child and the way you choose to parent them, makes people secretly hate you? You’re not here to please other people and their expectations. As long as you’re doing right by yourself and your child(ren).

Teach your children to advocate for themselves and set boundaries. They’ll only do it if they see you do it

My MIL sounds very similar ... will keep going on about something without pausing for me to answer which would stop her wondering !! Very very frustrating made even worse by the fact we live with her!
No advise except ignore if it's infrequent or find a polite shut down as PPs suggest if you see her a lot
My sympathies

Just wanted to add to my earlier comment-

I am not trying to say that your MIL's behaviour is acceptable or healthy! She is overstepping so many boundaries she's doing the splits.

Just trying to help suggest what emotional problems might be motivating her bad behaviour.

My mum does this, not just on parenting advice or recommendations. In her case it's an anxiety thing, she feels like if she doesn't tell you something bad might happen and it'll be her fault. The more you ignore her or bat her off the more she keeps on. Drives me crackers. She also firmly believes in doing things safely so if I do EXACTLY what she did with her children, who are still alive and in good health then my DD will turn out ok too. Does your MIL show anxious traits?

@Jellifulfruit I totally get it. Maybe my kids are too small for me to completely appreciate what it will be like.

So far I haven't had to say things like that. I just found it a bit patronising to tell an adult that no one is responsible for their big feelings....

I can't imagine ever saying it in that way. I would explain it more like you did. That we've given it a lot of thought and we would like to teach them X, so they don't become people pleasers etc.

Although I do encourage my kids to give a hug to their grandparents. Sometimes they don't want to and we all back off and don't ever force it. But I do think it's good manners to hug your grandparents.

I understand how you meant your comment and I do think there's something similar going on. I think a lot of parents struggle with it.

When the kids are small, you're the centre of the universe for them and your little family. When they grow up, that's no longer the case. My mother and father in law are quite successful people, with big egos. They really do think they know everything best and no one comes close to how amazing they are. I think they struggle not being the centre of the universe anymore and they see their grandchildren as their own children really. Not as grandchildren.

op, re the cornflakes. Your MIL probably believed the hype that she was giving her children a bowl full of goodness every morning by giving them Cornflakes. Go easy on her and just say that nowadays there’s more variety in the shops and you like ringing the changes with their breakfasts.

And the milk? I can remember giving milk first thing because we were told that’s what was healthy. Just cut her some slack.

Wipes - I have 8 grandchildren and won’t use them either. They’re horrible things and bad for the drains as well as the environment. I only ever use a gentle cleanser on them with water.

Prayers - just say no if you don’t want your children to be introduced to a faith.

The toys - we have toys going back decades that are still used to this day. And it’s the same with clothes. Especially white baby nighties that my children have been happy to put a child in because they were in them as well once upon a time.

Her stories - it’s just her going down memory lane and having a wee blether.

Snatching the children from you - just say no.

I’m genuinely confused as to how physical affection falls under ‘good manners.’

Yeah of course, it’s good manners. But so is any acknowledgment, verbal or physical. “Thank you for having me” is equally as good manner. You just need to be careful treading the water of “am I getting my child to do this because it’ll appease this adult”. Children aren’t here to make people happy. I have family members who get offended when my children don’t want to sit and draw with them for example, they want to play somewhere else.

The people pleaser within me would want to be like “oh no, play with family member” just to make that person feel more comfortable but in turn, makes my child feel uncomfortable. And for what? Just to keep some peace? No my child wants to play in the garden, doesn’t mean they don’t like this person. They are just more interested in that time in something else.

I’m trying to raise my kids to not be like me; as even as an adult feel like I need to manage other adults feelings and keep them happy. I’m actively trying not to teach my kids that they need to ignore their own feelings, in order to make someone else feel good.

They’re small observations but translate hugely when they turn into adults.

You don’t need to say it so bluntly, but boundaries are so important. You need to protect your peace, and model to your kids that you can and should stand up for yourself. It doesn’t have to be bitchy or rude, jusy simply “thank you for the advice but we are choosing to do things our own way and we’re hoping you can respect this.”

But she does have a connection to them. She's their grandmother. I wouldn't like my MIL or my mother trying to grab my kids if I was trying to comfort them, but the rest of what you mention seems pretty harmless.

My mum saved clothes and toys she felt particularly sentimental about for my kids. I don't like all of it, but some of it is nice, and it makes my mum happy to see it being worn/played with again by her grandchildren. I know there are clothes I have bought for my own children that I won't be able to part with because they have too much sentimental value, and in 30 years' time I might be passing these things on to my adult children in the hopes of seeing them on my grandchildren.

Don't judge your MIL too harshly because in a few decades' time you could be standing in her shoes.

@Jellifulfruit I really understand where you're coming from. I'm also a people pleaser.

But your post made me reflect on a few things.

Do you not think that taking other people's feelings into consideration is also a normal way to behave in life ? OK, don't force Jonny to do stuff he doesn't want to do, but surely there's a way to teach children to be polite and that how they behave will affect other people's feelings. Saying that no one is ever responsible for another person's feelings is also not right. We could just go around acting like arseholes the whole time and wouldn't need to feel bad, because we aren't responsible for how we've made others feel. That also doesn't sound right ?

Please help me understand.

I'll try to be less annoying about it.

That would really annoy me too.

You can’t force traditions or routines on the next generation. Sometimes things just happen organically, but if they don’t a force tradition is very cringe. As bad as #making memories - you’ll either remember stuff or you won’t!

I agree, and I wish I could be around when some of these posters are MILs themselves. I anticipate a raft of complaints about DILs when that happens!

When I’m a MIL or grandmother on either “side”, I expect I’ll be happy for any kind of easy life! For those mentioning it.

Do you not think that taking other people's feelings into consideration is also a normal way to behave in life? OK, don't force Jonny to do stuff he doesn't want to do, but surely there's a way to teach children to be polite and that how they behave will affect other people's feelings. Saying that no one is ever responsible for another person's feelings is also not right. We could just go around acting like arseholes the whole time and wouldn't need to feel bad, because we aren't responsible for how we've made others feel. That also doesn't sound right?

But we're not responsible for other people's feelings about what we do with our bodies. That's the difference imo. I'm not prepared to make myself feel physically uncomfortable to appease anyone else, and I won't expect my children to do that either. They get to choose what they do with their bodies.

I love this

No not always. They’re children, they don’t get to choose what they like. There are things that are harmful and abusive which they don’t have the experience and maturity to understand.

But some of these would really alienate a lot of people. I wonder if people who use this kind of stuff have any friends or family that don't secretly hate them.

I kind of agree because these sound horribly clunky and unfeeling, and actually quite funny because I can't picture anyone talking like this in real life.

However, in laws can be annoying as fuck and it's difficult to tell them as they're not your own parents. A part of me wishes I had the balls to set boundaries like that without giving a fig😂😂

Sorry, I'm not sure what you're getting at. I was saying I won't make my children hug grandparents/relatives etc. I obviously won't subject them to anything harmful or abusive either.

I get what you’re saying. So yeah, Kids need to be kind, have a good moral compass, good values, honesty and integrity to succeed and be upstanding members of society - parent’s can teach and provide all the tools for this.

but this is the stickler - Kids should act kind because they know it’s kind, NOT because the act will appease someone else. That’s just people pleasing.

They need to be taught right from wrong, and if taught well then they will do just that and be ok 🙂 job done. What we don’t need to do is bring in other peoples feelings. Why? Because it stops them being emotionally manipulated as adults.

For example, grandma says she’s really mad because they’ve left their toys on the floor. They pick them up to keep the peace, as they’re scared of her when she’s angry. They’re not actually picking them up because it’s the right thing to do, they’re simply doing it to keep Grandma happy. However, if Grandma said “hey, we need to pick toys up when we’re finished with them. That way they don’t get broken and we can’t trip up over them” they’ve learnt a completely different way, and don’t feel like grandma’s feelings are resting on their shoulders. It is up to Grandma to control her emotions - whether it makes her sad or angry, it’s not my kids responsibility. They should be taught to pick things up purely because that’s the right thing to do.

When we take out the feelings of others, and focus purely on what is right or wrong, they’ll do these things because they know they’re morally right and NOT because they’ve been coerced into making someone else feel happy. That’s why we have people like you and me 🥲

And how it translates into adulthood, women for example, I’ve been too “polite” to put my foot down when a creepy guy at work was making weird comments. I was worried I’d offend him, as I’d grown up in an environment that made me feel responsible for everyone else’s feelings. However if I’d of been taught that I can speak up when necessary, that I don’t need to appease other people as long as I’m doing what is right, then that’s ok, then maybe I’d of told this cunt to back off. But instead I’d sheepishly laugh and hope he’d go away

This is wonderful advice. A bit of a light bulb for me who was brought up massively to please.

Most of this is just really annoying, but this is not on:
snatches them out of my hands when I'm comforting them

She has no right whatsoever to snatch your children away from you. I'd get up and walk away.

I responded to where you said “They get to choose what they do with their bodies.” In light of the absolute unhinged view of many parents these days (not saying you are), I think it’s an important distinction. Think “trans-toddlers” for example.