MIL living in the past and jealous

[pinkah]

My MIL is a very frustrating human. I try and try and try to look past it, think it's just me. Blame myself for being the weird one. But she continues to annoy me and to bate me, I feel.

examples:

• always referring to her kids and what she did with them when they were little. ' oh they ate cornflakes, so my grandkids must eat cornflakes. '. Checks if I have cornflakes and reminds me and asks me why I don't have cornflakes. Brings cornflakes. I don't mind Cornflakes at all, but it's just annoying. Sometimes I run out and give them something else. Why does she go on and on about it?

• I gave my kids milk in the morning first thing, why don't you ? You need to give them milk. Continues to remind me and ask me about it. Even though I've made my routine clear.

• goes on and on about how she doesn't like to use wipes when cleaning bottoms and how it's not clean and bad for them. Takes them for a wash at each nappy change. I use wipes..

• wants to teach kids the prayers she used to say with her own kids

• wants to give kids all old toys / clothes she used for her kids

• generally just wants to always put her stamp on everything we do, with some story from what she did with her kids

• gets jealous if kids refuse to be comforted by her and snatches them out of my hands when I'm comforting them

There's a lot more. I know in isolation it's not big stuff, but put together, it's really annoying. Especially because I never even talk about what I did as a kid and how I want to pass things on etc. neither does my own mum. Some stuff is ' passed down ' automagically. But I don't feel the need to go on and on about it, like she does. It makes me feel like she's always trying to claim her connection to them.

Oh, okay. Well, that's definitely not what I meant 😊

She sounds really annoying. I would refuse to give the DC cornflakes on principle!

Do you see her a lot? She seems to know a lot about the minutiae of your life, and appears have significant entitlement. Nobody would ever have dared to try to snatch my children from my arms.

I would be taking a significant step back.

One thing I think can help with these situations is to remember that you hold pretty much all the power. Your MiL does sound annoying, but other than the physical stuff like snatching your DC from you (which I think you should read her the riot act over if it’s not a one off), all your MiL is doing is giving you her opinion. And it only has the power you give it. You still get to choose exactly what to do with DC whether she likes it or not. No matter how many boxes of cornflakes she buys or how many times she washes their bottoms when she’s there, your DC’s experience of life is going to be what you set. Their normal breakfast will be what you give them. Their hygiene standards will be set by you. Their normal range of toys is entirely up to you. All your MiL can do is occasionally provide what she would like as a “treat” - if you allow it - and suggest and moan.

Whatever she suggests - and much of it may be good - however you respond to it, when she leaves your house and goes home, she has no idea what you actually do. You don’t have to make a show of setting boundaries with the vast majority of the examples you gave. You can just nod and smile and thank her for her advice and then do exactly as you please. And there isn’t a thing she can do about it. It doesn’t matter if she judges you. It doesn’t matter if she repeats what she’s previously said before. You hold the power. You can still do exactly as you want. You don’t have to do anything she suggests at all. And you don’t have to let her rile you.

Why would you even give any of this nonsense headspace?

Nod and smile. Say "that's nice" or "yes, we love cornflakes".

Don't react or bite back. It's not worth it.

I think what a lot of people here don't realise is that it is not one comment about, say cornflakes, but it is mentioned on repeat. For us it was weetabix. I would use cold milk. Anytime breakfast in any form was mentioned: Don't you warm the milk up? Ewww that's horrible. She should have warm milk with it. It's cruel to give her something cold in the morning like that. When I have it, I have it with warm milk. Shall I make her weetabix with warm milk?

I'd say 'thank you for your opinion. Yeah we give cold milk.' On repeat over and over and to be honest its bloody boring and frustrating saying that over and over until you lose your freaking mind and blow your top. Add to that all the other comments that have nothing to do with her, and you just want to tell her to fuck off.

She would get random crap off the street/bins, her friends or B&M bargains even though we said no thank you. Then she'd come to the house with it and leave it there, so we then had to get rid of it. I'm not the type for waste so would have to plan a trip to the charity shop or the tip. Not that bad, but I don't have the time to sort my own stuff for the tip/charity shop, let alone someone else's crap.

Nod and smile......oh how I laughed at that!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Have the mil appeasers on this thread seen the 'cup if tea' video about consent? It's the same principle. When someone has said no thanks or I'm doing it this way ta and the other person continues to cajole and pressure them they are basically not accepting the other person's right to choose and autonomy. It's really not ok and women in particular can be socially conditioned to put up with this, which is not ok.
Op you are well within your rights to give feedback and being ignored and pressured and that you'd like it to stop. Hand the cornflakes back!

Yeah it's the repetitiveness of the whole thing that gets really boring and frustrating / undermining.

She never has anything nice or kind to say.

She always comments that their clothes are too small too. Every time. Anything that fits them is too small, because she always buys stuff way too big for them. So it lasts. I do too sometimes, but some stuff just fits well and that doesn't mean it's too small.

She also tries to control which shoes they should wear to go out and labels certain stuff too nice for them to go out in. Even if I've put shoes on them, she'll be like ' oh no, don't put those on. '

She's also constantly commenting on ( non sharp ) corners of the table or kitchen island and how dangerous that is. I have some cushioning on some of the sharper ones, but not on the not sharp ones. My kids are absolutely fine. Again, she's not trusting my judgement. That's how it feels anyway.

She's also always commenting on whether they're sitting comfortably at the table.. she wants my 3 year old in a high chair, which is ridiculous.

I just think, I do stuff with my kids the way I want to do it, I don't need these constant comments about these tiny things. Especially when repeated constantly. I genuinely don't mind her making me aware of a situation she perceived as dangerous ( once ). If I then choose to take action on it, she can just back off.

I take some of her suggestions on board and I don't flip out at her. I just wish she'd stop repeating herself and being so critical of every tiny, insignificant thing.

I know this all sounds like she's always here. She's actually not. She only sees us once every week or once every two weeks. But still manages to annoy me. And no, she doesn't provide free child care.

She does it on purpose. If you don't do what she says the first time, she'll keep repeating it.

My youngest recently had pretty bad constipation and she had a massive field day about criticising his diet. She insisted on coming to hospital and was trying to push the doctor to say it was because they don't eat enough veggies. The doctor wouldn't say it, because it was actually caused by cows milk allergy. But she kept pushing and pushing. It feels like she's always trying to find a way to blame me for stuff. My dog got kennel cough and she kept asking me and then my husband separately if we are sure they dog was vaccinated. And surely it wouldn't have happened if they were vaccinated. The dog was vaccinated but she wouldn't let it go.

It's frustrating. I just wish she was more supportive and positive and said something nice once in a while. I say nice things to her all the time, about how much I respect her work ethic/ spirit etc. she literally only criticises me and alienates me, by constantly comparing my kids to herself / her kids. It's like I just don't even come into the equation. ' oh little billy is just like his uncle at that age ' ... on repeat.

Well I think you need to cut back on the visits and tell her far far less about what’s going on.

Why did you let her insist on coming to the hospital? You could fix a lot of this by having some honest conversations and by not being so wet. There's no way on earth I'd have allowed my mil or my mum to 'insist' on coming to a medical appointment.

Avoid all that condescending crap on that poster upthread - the messages behind it might be good but the delivery is likely to get you punched
Just be honest - it's the respectful way to be. You tell your mil that these are your children, not hers and that you know how best to look after them. That as a grandmother her job is to love them but your job is to both love and raise them. Tell her that the constant repetition and interference is annoying and if she doesn't stop it, she won't be welcome in your house.

Your children's father should be dealing with this too since this would be better received coming from him. But either way, use your words. And fgs stop allowing her to insist on coming to the dr with you - you are a grown woman and a mother. If you can't even talk honestly to your own mil, how do you expect to advocate for your children?

I was in a and e and she was literally like ' I'm outside ' .. I want to support you. I told her no, it's fine. I don't need your help and then she just showed up. I couldn't kick her out at that point. It was very annoying and she was super annoying at the hospital. She only knew that I was there, through mh husband. He had to tell her because of a work situation. Long story and too outing to explain. I usually never tell her when I need to go to the hospital.

Also, if I did literally not let her come in, she would have cried and screamed and called me a monster. I wasn't up for that, that particular day. Any time I have showed boundaries, she always turns it around on me and that I'm a horrible monster. She only means well and I'm really sensitive, apparently. She's the grandma and it's her job to tell people she loves what's best, apparently.

Ffs 🙈😂 Just carry on moaning on mumsnet, then, and she'll carry on annoying you. If you think setting boundaries is rude, then you're stuffed, unfortunately.

@Bumblebeestiltskin come on... how can you ever say to another adult that no one is responsible for their ' big feelings ' . I think that's just so ridiculous. Some of the stuff on there is absolutely fine. But some of the language is really clunky... it's asking for a fight.

But she doesn't think she's annoying now.

And you won't think you're being annoying 30 years from now when your DIL wants to bury you under the patio.

@MargotBamborough well, no matter what I say, you think my DIL will hate me. I guess I'll let you know in 30 years then.

Don't judge your MIL too harshly because in a few decades' time you could be standing in her shoes.

What utter tripe. Her MIL is overstepping boundaries and being emotionally manipulative. She doesn’t care for OP’s feelings and it’s all about what she did with her kids and trying to force OP to do the same because MIL beloved she knows best.

My mother is a bit like MIL where she goes on and on if you don’t do what she says until you cave regardless of times have changed and you have your own way of doing things hence the reason I live 4,000 miles away, see her about once a year for two weeks after having our first and we talk weekly with the kids because that’s the only way we can have a decent relationship. She has mellowed out tremendously though so she has tapered off with it massively but I still wouldn’t want to live close enough where she could come by on a weekly basis.

My MIL offered advice but I always told her “thank you, I will try that next if this way doesn’t work”. She nods, accepts it, and moves on.

I highly doubt that many of us with the type of mother or MIL will do the same to their DILs having experienced themselves what that is like.

You need to lay down some clear boundaries ASAP or she’ll continue. Your MIL has been continuing on with this for way too long.

Don’t tell her your business and get also her your Husband on board. Has he not spoken to his Mother about of this at any point?

I’ve been known to simply stop opening my front door to a couple of family members who didn’t respect my boundaries. They would repeatedly turn up uninvited and would stay for hours, completely disrupting my day and slowing me down even when I had explained that I had to go out to an appointment or was unwell. They eventually stopped doing that when they knew I would not be opening the door.

One family member once a used a set of spare keys we had given them for emergencies, to give another family member a tour of our new home when we were out, unbeknown to us. That was the last time they’ve ever been given a spare set of keys to any of our homes since.

I’ve also experienced a family member butting in a few times and telling our first DC not to listen to me whilst I was telling my own child not to do something.

Food was given to our DC by a family member who knows that we not eat that particular food.
I’ve got way too many anecdotes!

You need to be a lot firmer in enforcing boundaries.

OP, if my mil had done that at the hospital I would have told her to wait outside and if she screamed and cried I'd have allowed security to remove her! You do realise it doesn't actually matter if she calls you a monster? She's relying on you to be embarrassed about a public scene and she was right. Your strategy has to be to let her get on with having a tantrum.
Honestly, if this was me I'd cut to the chase, tell my husband she's no longer welcome in my house and if he wants to see her, he'll have to take the kids to hers.

@phoenixrosehere I commented before the frankly massive drip feed about A&E and am probably not the only one going to be wondering why she didn't lead with that rather than the absolute nothingburgers in her OP.

I imagine your MIL had the same thoughts about her own MIL. As will your own DIL/SIL about you in a few years time .

Just jolly her and be happy that she loves your children.
When she is not there you will do your own thing.

Every now and again ask her a question and let her help.
Be polite; she knows what she knows and will also learn new things from you.
You will have treasured memories too, that you refuse to forget, about your children.

Use her for good things. Granny is great at reading bedtime stories - go and choose a book, kids.

I wouldn’t call it nothings if someone refuses to accept that you don’t want their advice and tries to tell you what to do with your own children because they believe they know better at everything simply because they had children themselves.

I can’t believe people are telling OP to accept her MIL’s frankly sociopathic behaviour.

She sounds like a witch, OP, and I thought so from your first post and your subsequent posts confirm it.

Ignore the people telling you to coddle and mollify her, it’s time to put in boundaries.

Remember there are lots of MILs on this forum, OP, and they will be making up for their own bad relationships with their sons and DILs by giving bad advice to DILs on this forum.

I agree that the updates make the situation sound a lot worse than the OP suggested.

They weren’t nothingburgers. Snatching a child from its mother is horrible behaviour, as is getting jealous because they want their mum.