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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL living in the past and jealous

94 replies

pinkah · 26/05/2023 16:58

My MIL is a very frustrating human. I try and try and try to look past it, think it's just me. Blame myself for being the weird one. But she continues to annoy me and to bate me, I feel.

examples:

  • always referring to her kids and what she did with them when they were little. ' oh they ate cornflakes, so my grandkids must eat cornflakes. '. Checks if I have cornflakes and reminds me and asks me why I don't have cornflakes. Brings cornflakes. I don't mind Cornflakes at all, but it's just annoying. Sometimes I run out and give them something else. Why does she go on and on about it?
  • I gave my kids milk in the morning first thing, why don't you ? You need to give them milk. Continues to remind me and ask me about it. Even though I've made my routine clear.
  • goes on and on about how she doesn't like to use wipes when cleaning bottoms and how it's not clean and bad for them. Takes them for a wash at each nappy change. I use wipes..
  • wants to teach kids the prayers she used to say with her own kids
  • wants to give kids all old toys / clothes she used for her kids
  • generally just wants to always put her stamp on everything we do, with some story from what she did with her kids
  • gets jealous if kids refuse to be comforted by her and snatches them out of my hands when I'm comforting them

There's a lot more. I know in isolation it's not big stuff, but put together, it's really annoying. Especially because I never even talk about what I did as a kid and how I want to pass things on etc. neither does my own mum. Some stuff is ' passed down ' automagically. But I don't feel the need to go on and on about it, like she does. It makes me feel like she's always trying to claim her connection to them.

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 27/05/2023 12:14

mainsfed · 27/05/2023 12:12

They weren’t nothingburgers. Snatching a child from its mother is horrible behaviour, as is getting jealous because they want their mum.

Show quote history

The OP is clearly an unreliable narrator in this story. I'm out.

phoenixrosehere · 27/05/2023 12:25

mainsfed · 27/05/2023 12:12

They weren’t nothingburgers. Snatching a child from its mother is horrible behaviour, as is getting jealous because they want their mum.

Show quote history

Yeah. That’s just weird, unnecessary, and uncalled for behaviour. Taking a child from their own mother who they want comfort from is ridiculous unless it’s an emergency situation and I doubt it was in OP’s case.

Hollyppp · 27/05/2023 13:09

I felt for you after your opening post but your updates about letting her know you were in AE and letting her come in and letting her emotionally blackmail by calling you a monster etc, you are enabling this.

You have choices which include telling her the truth and being firm. If you keep just moaning on this thread and defending yourself nothing is going to change and frankly you deserve her being overbearing

SuffolkUnicorn · 27/05/2023 13:27

Did you post before about this?

my mum is like this irritating 😂

Nat6999 · 27/05/2023 14:01

I had this with ex mil, her kids never had dummies & a special cuddly toy, so she expected the same for ds who had a dummy from being tiny & his cuddly dog who went everywhere with him. It got to the stage where if ds heard her coming in the house, he used to hide his dummy, blanket & dog behind a cushion. If she looked after him, she deliberately left them all at ours when she collected him & he came home shattered & distraught because he couldn't sleep without them & they made him feel safe.

FigTreeInEurope · 27/05/2023 14:40

As a bit of an extreme tale, we kept my overbearing mother fully at arms length throughout raising our kids. We were hugely frowned upon for it by wider family. By contrast, when my younger brother had a baby, he had my mum move in with them, to "help out". It took just a year for her criticism, lying, lack of respect for boundaries, and general toxic behaviour around the baby, to reduce my brothers marriage to a wreck. It was like watching an all too predictable, slow motion car crash.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 27/05/2023 14:45

Sounds like my former mil (my dh died not divorced) no boundaries, always knows what other people should do, over bearing.

Yours sounds like a cunt as well. We distanced ourselves for years as it was the only way to live. My dh stood up to her though and didn’t let her get away with anything.

So what if she causes a scene? Who cares. She’s 100% not worried about your feelings.

Mamamia32 · 27/05/2023 14:50

I would probably grit my teeth and be polite through all your bullet points apart from the last one.
Your children should be comforted by the person they want, and not snatched out your arms! This is the one thing I feel I'd have to say "no, she/he clearly wants me"

Bishybarnacle · 27/05/2023 14:51

Yanbu, she sounds like a nightmare (and I am a mil and would never say/behave like this) I’d be seeing less of her if I were you and never tell her anything

AdoraBell · 27/05/2023 14:54

My late MIL was like this OP

Just smile and ignore then carry on. Regarding her grabbing your child, say don’t do that he/she is upset and I’m comforting them.

PollyThePixie · 27/05/2023 15:02

phoenixrosehere · 27/05/2023 11:43

Don't judge your MIL too harshly because in a few decades' time you could be standing in her shoes.

What utter tripe. Her MIL is overstepping boundaries and being emotionally manipulative. She doesn’t care for OP’s feelings and it’s all about what she did with her kids and trying to force OP to do the same because MIL beloved she knows best.

My mother is a bit like MIL where she goes on and on if you don’t do what she says until you cave regardless of times have changed and you have your own way of doing things hence the reason I live 4,000 miles away, see her about once a year for two weeks after having our first and we talk weekly with the kids because that’s the only way we can have a decent relationship. She has mellowed out tremendously though so she has tapered off with it massively but I still wouldn’t want to live close enough where she could come by on a weekly basis.

My MIL offered advice but I always told her “thank you, I will try that next if this way doesn’t work”. She nods, accepts it, and moves on.

I highly doubt that many of us with the type of mother or MIL will do the same to their DILs having experienced themselves what that is like.

Hi. Are you the PheonixRose from a very long time ago who still has people wondering how she is doing years later after a very hard time of it.

phoenixrosehere · 27/05/2023 16:25

PollyThePixie · 27/05/2023 15:02

Hi. Are you the PheonixRose from a very long time ago who still has people wondering how she is doing years later after a very hard time of it.

Show quote history

Don’t think so. The name was already taken before so I registered this name and if I was having a really hard time, this would be the last place I would post tbh.

Jellifulfruit · 27/05/2023 18:42

hettie · 27/05/2023 10:43

Have the mil appeasers on this thread seen the 'cup if tea' video about consent? It's the same principle. When someone has said no thanks or I'm doing it this way ta and the other person continues to cajole and pressure them they are basically not accepting the other person's right to choose and autonomy. It's really not ok and women in particular can be socially conditioned to put up with this, which is not ok.
Op you are well within your rights to give feedback and being ignored and pressured and that you'd like it to stop. Hand the cornflakes back!

This!! It goes way deeper than being “polite”. Young girls who aren’t taught body autonomy/consent, even by “minor” things such as being forcrd to give granny a kiss goodbye when she doesn’t want to, can evolve into an adult woman who has sex with a man who pressures her, because she wasn’t taught body autonomy and feels like she needs to have sex with him in order to make him happy

Jellifulfruit · 27/05/2023 18:47

pinkah · 27/05/2023 11:27

@Bumblebeestiltskin come on... how can you ever say to another adult that no one is responsible for their ' big feelings ' . I think that's just so ridiculous. Some of the stuff on there is absolutely fine. But some of the language is really clunky... it's asking for a fight.

What’s ridiculous about it though? How can’t you understand that your child is not responsible for a grown-ass woman’s feelings? What’s your obsession with appeasing this woman you find ever so frustrating? Wake up for gods sake 😂 else you’re absolutely screwed

ChubbyMorticia · 27/05/2023 21:21

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

At the end of the day, nothing will change unless you put boundaries in place and enforce them. Quit being held hostage by threats of negative behaviour, for starters

ScatsThat · 27/05/2023 22:12

pinkah · 26/05/2023 16:58

My MIL is a very frustrating human. I try and try and try to look past it, think it's just me. Blame myself for being the weird one. But she continues to annoy me and to bate me, I feel.

examples:

  • always referring to her kids and what she did with them when they were little. ' oh they ate cornflakes, so my grandkids must eat cornflakes. '. Checks if I have cornflakes and reminds me and asks me why I don't have cornflakes. Brings cornflakes. I don't mind Cornflakes at all, but it's just annoying. Sometimes I run out and give them something else. Why does she go on and on about it?
  • I gave my kids milk in the morning first thing, why don't you ? You need to give them milk. Continues to remind me and ask me about it. Even though I've made my routine clear.
  • goes on and on about how she doesn't like to use wipes when cleaning bottoms and how it's not clean and bad for them. Takes them for a wash at each nappy change. I use wipes..
  • wants to teach kids the prayers she used to say with her own kids
  • wants to give kids all old toys / clothes she used for her kids
  • generally just wants to always put her stamp on everything we do, with some story from what she did with her kids
  • gets jealous if kids refuse to be comforted by her and snatches them out of my hands when I'm comforting them

There's a lot more. I know in isolation it's not big stuff, but put together, it's really annoying. Especially because I never even talk about what I did as a kid and how I want to pass things on etc. neither does my own mum. Some stuff is ' passed down ' automagically. But I don't feel the need to go on and on about it, like she does. It makes me feel like she's always trying to claim her connection to them.

She tells stories of her past, wants to pass on sentimental family items and teach her grandchildren the prayers that comforted their parent and grandparent? She sounds like a monster.

"Trying to claim a connection to them" - she has a connection to them. She is their grandparent. It sounds like she is trying so hard to make a connection because you are making her feel like she doesn't (or shouldn't) have one.

Whataretalkingabout · 27/05/2023 22:52

Where is the DF I mean your DH in all this? Why do you have to spend so much time with your MIL? In your shoes I would take the opportunity to leave my DH with his DM and go for a walk, take a nap or refuge in the bedroom, spend as little time as possible in her presence. Then ignore, Grey Rock everything she has to say. Put in earbuds if you have to. Laugh and eye rolls, breathe.....

MILs are such a pain! Mine was almost exactly the same but not even British !! My MIL made a huge ordeal about the texture and color of shit -- kind of like for Louis XIV! And believe it or not, I am now a DGM to my DD's children and I get constantly on her nerves and can't say anything right. She thinks I'm completely off the deep end. Good God! It's a generational thing and nerves and hormones and too many people in the same house for a 4 day visit... Thank God she lives in yet another country.....

Good luck OP, it usually calms down a bit as the children get older . I hope so for your mental health.....

HumphreysCorner · 29/05/2023 23:02

Oh Lord my FIL used to snatch my DS out my arms when BF x

HumphreysCorner · 29/05/2023 23:03

Have so much sympathy OP. X

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