To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

[WoolyOctopus]

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

You have one life - decide if this is what you want for the rest of yours. FWIW I'd hate it. He doesn't appear to give a shit about you.

Sadly OP I think your husband is selfish and self centred. I'd say don't bother getting him anything more than a bar of his least favourite chocolate - because anything else would be materialistic of him ... right?

But I think this is more than that. You are pregnant, ready to drop any day and your husband has shown you he doesn't care - and compounded that by calling you nasty names for expressing dissapointment. It messes with you head doesn't it.

OP I really feel for you. This is not the pregnancy hormones talking - YANBU at all!!! As lots of others have said, a cake, a nice card and a bunch of flowers / bubble bath / waterstones gift voucher is basic standard. Excuses of "it's been so busy" don't wash. Your birthday happens the same time every year and with so many things you can order online for delivery (at incredibly short notice I might add!), there's no excuse why he couldn't rustle a bit of something up.
I really hope this is a massive ruse and tomorrow you're surprised with a cake in bed.
If not, I'd be hurt but wouldn't allow it to ruin my day. I would very much be inclined however to ensure any future days about him (fathers day / birthdays etc) receive the same effort. No malice or pettiness, just allow myself to use the time I'd normally spend on gift searching / organising, to buy myself a nice treat. If he doesn't appreciate it then you sure as heck can!

That’s awful OP, women are especially vulnerable when pregnant but pregnant or not this sounds beyond thoughtless. If it was just that he didn’t put thought into it he would have been Ok with being corrected and actually jumped at the chance to put things right. The fact he tried to turn the tables on you hints at the fact it was likely a passive aggressive and very deliberate move. He knew exactly what he was doing.

it’s not quite the same but I had a close friend like this, I’ve bought thoughtful presents regularly for her sons and once bought her a family train ticket costing a few hundred to visit a loved one and in all the time I’ve known I’ve only ever got one birthday present from her and that was my last birthday in March when I hinted at it plus she began to notice I didn’t buy presents for her / her kids anymore so it kind felt forced. I’ll continue not to send presents for any of them. It makes it easier and greatly lessens the resentment! I suggest you take the same action towards your partner if he can’t acknowledge what he’s done wrong.

@thecatsthecats This is brilliant and puts in to words something man my of us feel but can’t explain, thankyou

This .
I don't care how busy people are , a birthday on the same day is not a surprise. Total fail on his part .

Your DH does not deserve you.

He is a selfish git who does not think he needs to bother. I have experienced similar. It tells you all you need to know.

@AnObserverInThisDarkWorld

always someone who wants to put a woman down for expecting just a bit more from her husband

Stop with the ageism. Granny's read Booker prize winners as well as you, lots of us were reading the classics before you were a twinkle in your father's eye. So I vote you are unreasonable.

Reading this thread I conclude that I am both a book snob and a granny. Is that allowed?

Are you ageist as well?

Of course not, we only read low brow granny type Mills and Boon books. We just imagine we read other stuff. Strange really as I have been a granny for many years and I have no memory of ever reading a Mills and Boon book, low brow granny type or otherwise. Do Mills and Boon do books that aren't granny type low brow?

That’s ok though. It’s fine to like a certain type of literature. It doesn’t make her a stuck up person.

Definitely ageist. I wonder what other prejudice would be acceptable on here, or is it just ageism that's OK.

I think you’re a bit unreasonable to be upset at this point, you haven’t even had the birthday yet. If that’s the sun total or presents tomorrow then yes that’s rubbish

YANBU.

It's fine for other people to not give a shit about birthdays - tbh, I'm one of them (my own anyway) - but it's horrible to think that the person that is supposed to love you the most, not only doesn't care, but also doesn't care that you care and want to do it anyway.

So many times the "He left dishes by the sink" article is trotted out - but people can't see this is the same? We do stuff we don't necessarily care about or want to do for the people we love, because it's important to them.

The fact that you're about ready to birth his second child is just adding insult to injury IMO.

I bet all those people saying you're hard work or whatever understand the social conventions of a bunch of flowers on Mother's Day, or a bottle of wine when going round to a friend's for dinner. But somehow when it's a wife upset about her husband's lack of initiative, thought or care for her birthday, she is unreasonable!

When I look back at my first marriage, this was one of the things that tipped me towards leaving relationship.

you spend £500 on his Xmas and he buys some out of date chocolates??? Wtf??

it’s not the money- it’s the disrespect.

don’t buy him anything in future. Spend it on yourself

I've read your responses but not the entire thread. I can see people are defending him in various ways.

You're allowed to be upset by this. Like I know actual fuck all about football but imagine if your spouse was a Liverpool fan and you just bought him some Leicester City kit for his birthday because hey, it's all football right? You like football so this must be fine, why aren't you thanking me?? He presumably fucking knows that isn't your genre of book because you're book obsessed. He just doesn't give a shit to do the bare minimum (bare minimum being, idk, have a look at a current bestseller list on Amazon and see what's won some awards recently? Or just a gift certificate so you can find your own books??) Buying two secondhand shite books is genuinely worse than just not getting anything.

And sure, maybe your DD picked out the books, but that would have been an opportunity for him to say "actually mummy likes these types of books over here, pick something from this section." But he doesn't even sound as if he's claiming she picked them, just that she picked the bracelet.

I do agree with others saying you making the granny comment (twice!) is a bit shit though. Suspect it's not a genre limited to grannies, as if it would matter if it were.

Also yes I happen to be one of those people who have lowered expectations for gifts, though DH has gotten better over the years about asking if there's something specific I'd like. And he's always happy to celebrate.

What’s a granny type book?

Just return the same level of thought when it’s his birthday or Christmas. If your relationship is otherwise good he will be able to frame it in his head the way as you have.

So many of these witty and fantastic responses have made me laugh out loud (in a nice way) at the amazing support from so many women! Thank you so much... a more exciting birthday than usual. Thank you all for the birthday wishes.

For those saying about the granny book comment - I think you are finding things to be offended about! The granny comment was simply because my 85 year old grandmother has books by the same author as what he has bought me. The rack he has clearly selected them off is also her first port of call in any charity shop (usually by the window). Of course older women can read 'proper books' just as many old/young/fat/thin/white/Asian etc etc etc women can. Just as many may choose to read the type of books he bought me. Each to their own! It was never meant as an insult... it was simply trying to convey what type of book I meant without uploading a photo. People find things to be offended about so easily. Some of the most amazing professors that taught me were 'older women' and far more accomplished than I will ever be. I would just say, stereotypically, the type of book he bought me is favoured by my gran and her circle of friends.

Let's hope that 'D'H has a decent present for you tomorrow, and if you can, an update would be appreciated.
Good luck with the baby's arrival.

One that older ladies would read?

Like Mills and Boon?