To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

[WoolyOctopus]

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

Is it heck. If the DH had done some research and came up with these books, or even bought them as a joke, that'd be different. This is just thoughtless random purchases. You must have something that you like for which substitution is impossible, even if it is just a type of tea or a candle you love, and anything else is going to be a disappointment even from a charity shop.

How has this thread become more about OP being a book snob than about her shitty husband doing next to fuck all for her birthday?

Men have it entirely too easy.

I'm not saying it's not shit, just that OP and her husband seem to be at two extremes (based on what she says about her own gift giving). Given that he's generally a nice chap, the answer would seem to be to spell it out to him.

I only like 'proper' books too, I have just read all of Chimamanda Ngoze Adiche's novels, I've read all of the Barchester Chronicles and many Booker prize winners, we are not snobs, just after a bit of intellectual.stimulation 🤷‍♀️

He doesn't seem to like you. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but there really isn't any other interpretation. 😣

Totally agree! It's as though you've swallowed down a lot of your needs as they're being made to seem unreasonable or something.

Agree with so many of the wise posters on here. The lack of effort is really contemptuous and I'd wonder if that was an indication of the general feeling he has for you. My dh was very thoughtful when we first met and surprised me with jewellery at occasions and out of the blue. The trouble was, none of it was particularly to my taste. Lady Di engagement ring anyone? So now he is more cautious and asks me in advance if there are any items I fancy. Not as romantic but I at least get what I like.

However, if he stopped doing that and just bought any old crap, I'd go absolutely nuts. Your dh is supposed to want you to feel cherished and loved and to celebrate your birthday so that you're happy, surely?

The book thing is about the husband not knowing his wife or caring enough to get her something she would like. Even if she was the biggest snob in the history of literature it’s still shit behaviour.

My husband goes all out for me on birthdays as I do for him. Even in our fifties. There is zero excuse.

What exactly is wrong with that?

No. It explains exactly why she prefers those sorts of books

There isn't going to be much fun doing a literature degree if you only like Mills & Boon and 50 Shades

He sounds totally thoughtless OP. Go and pick yourself really love and charge it to him. Buy yourself a nice cake too. In future make little effort for him. Don'take a fuss of him for Father's Day, he just gets whatever your dd does herself. Did he even get you a card?

I'd leave it now for the sake of your mental health but I'd be doing nothing for Father's Day or his birthday.

Do nothing for his birthday is my advice.

He might still surprise you. I hope he does. It's really not ok otherwise..people can be bad at presents but they can do other things to make you feel loved. He really doesnt seem to have put any effort in at all.

It is a real shame about the cake as children love sharing a birthday cake with a parent, decorating it (preferably in secret), blowing out the candles, singing Happy Birthday ..... so if he wasn't bothered for your sake, he should have done something for your DC's.

Your OH lacks something .... a sense of fun, generosity .... ?

Buy him a hanky with his initial on it for his birthday. Send him a wish list and he can't go wrong.

A plastic tiara. 😂 Hilarious 😂

the 'men just don't get gift giving'/celebrations excuses 🙄

a) funnily enough they seem to understand the concept of getting suitable gifts and celebrating big occasions when they are the benefactors. I've never seen a thread like this where the OP said 'and for his birthday I got him tickets for his favourite band, organised a party with all his friends and family and an expensive gift related to his hobby but he said I shouldn't have bothered.'

b) OP wanted a cake. To paraphrase Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada 'A cake. For a birthday. Groundbreaking.' That's not even bare minimum it's just flipping obvious particularly when he hasn't even had to guess himself, she told him she wanted one, he just didn't think it would be worth it because they wouldn't be in the house all day. Seriously, bubble bath and a decent looking book that really really isn't too much to expect off a grown adult.

Re wrap those books for your DHs birthday.

Nothing wrong with being a book snob, in our pub quiz I am very proud of my lack of knowledge of 'popular culture'!

What a lovely MiL you have.

It's a poor show. But he's done it quite cleverly in that you have to accept the shit gifts because your daughter chose them. He should have done a decent job and taken your dd birthday shopping and had proper input into the choices. He's lazy and thoughtless.

What's your point? She does only like proper books, which is why a couple of second hand Mills and Boons are a crap present.

Your not DH sounds horrible.
I would seriously plot my escape.
Life is too short to spend with someone who is so thoughtless & uncaring.
Sending you a handhold. 💐

It’s not your birthday yet, wait and see before you get upset. And stop hassling him about getting you a cake/present.

So for his next birthday and Christmas you will put in just as much effort as he will won't you @WoolyOctopus ? I will never understand women who complain about how shit their husbands are at making them feel valued but then frantically go all out for the men's birthday/Christmas. If these men know that their wife would like at least a card and bunch of flowers and they can't even be arsed doing that then they are sending you a clear message that you are not worth a card and bunch of flowers. Not only has your husband not put any effort in to making you feel valued at all, he actively bought you something you won't enjoy.
Nothing you can do about who he is if this is who you want to be with but please, do not make a fuss of him on his birthday or Christmas. That is just desperation on a whole new level.