To be irrationally heartbroken about DHs birthday 'gift'

[WoolyOctopus]

I am 39+2 weeks pregnant. DH and I have had a rough ride recently due to slow baby growth, lots of scans, our stressful jobs, moving house and DD aged 5. We've argued lots and things have been stressful. We are slowly coming out the other side of this and things are getting smoother.
However...
It's my birthday tomorrow. We have friends coming over at 1pm and an engagement party to attend (not ours) tomorrow evening at 7pm. We also have an electrician appointment at 10am. I asked DH if he had anything planned for my birthday (like a nice breakfast or had he bought a cake as DD keeps pestering about it). He said no as we're too busy with other things and 'no time' to do anything nice for my birthday. Fair enough. If that had been me, I would have organised breakfast/ a cake/ lunch with the friends who are coming or SOMETHING to make a little fuss of him but whatever... he clearly doesn't think like that. I can accept that.
But...
Today we went into town as I had booked myself an antenatal massage. I reminded him directly to get me a card and DD said she wanted to get me a gift. her and DH went shopping while I went for my massage. When we get home, he leaves a charity shop plastic bag in the middle of the living room floor. He tells me he found some bargain jeans in a charity shop for himself, I pull them out the bag to have a look and two paperback low-brow granny type Mills and Boon books fall out (two for £2) and a 50p bracelet. He says 'oops' and grabs them back. Tells me they are my birthday presents. Now, I am an English teacher - I collect Booker Prize winner books and both my undergrad and postgrad degrees are in literature. I value good books, I spend my life reading books, talking about books and telling him about the current book I am reading. It is the thing I am most passionate about. I am a book snob - I care about 'good' literature. He knows this. So he decides to buy me two for £2 granny-type 'filler' books from a rack from a charity shop? I have also been asking and asking and asking for a new necklace pendant as my other one snapped two years ago. I still have the chain. I am not a jewellery person but I do like a nice necklace. Two years later and he still hasn't got me one.... fair enough. But to get me a 50p kids bracelet from a charity shop?! When I've never worn a bracelet in the whole time we've been together?
Also: we are relatively comfortable financially too.... so money isn't an issue. Besides, it absolutely is the thought that counts - but where was the thought in this? I have also ALWAYS been a fantastic gift buyer for him - not just materialistically (although I've always done well here) but also thought wise!

So... AIBU to be as hurt as I am? I have genuinely sat and cried about this. We've been having such a hard time, I'm very pregnant and just wanted to feel valued. Even stupid things like he knows I've ran out of bubble bath or I liked a dress in the sale in Sainsburys yesterday that I didn't buy. I've pulled him up on it and have been told I'm materialistic, selfish and 'shouldn't have planned a day full of events if I wanted him to organise something for me' (which he never would have done).

Sorry for length.

It's the thought that counts, OP.

Depressing that the thought is something like "Bloody woman wants a gift. What about me?? I know, I'll look in there for some jeans! They're bound to have something I can call a gift, whatever." It's not irrational to feel heartbroken, and angry too.

For those still wittering about the books: You can get a pair of tattered paperback romance novels FREE at launderettes, community centres, book dumps and numerous other places. This doesn't count as a thoughtful gift unless the novels happen to be extremely lucky finds of a rare imprint by an author you know the recipient admires. Neither does stuffing them in a carrier bag with the gift you bought for yourself!

For the inevitable 'love language' fans: In which of these five so-called languages has the man told OP he loves & values her? And why would a person not attempt to please his partner in the ways SHE values, on her special day? I've noticed that it's always women being exhorted to communicate in their partners' 'love languages', with no reciprocal expectation of the men.

Wearily waiting for the ASD/ADHD pleaders to turn up with even more empty excuses for this self-serving git's demonstration of contempt for his pregnant wife.

@WoolyOctopus, as you're in no position to flounce off to a resort hotel with DD, have a lovely time with your friends and please LET RIP at your H, using all your words!

Happy birthday

Right, just like a professional chef who appreciated gourmet food probably wouldn't want a Rustlers for her birthday

I feel for you OP and would be similarly upset by this treatment from your husband. I'm also pregnant with my 3rd child and last week was my birthday.

My husband bought me flowers, ordered a cake, bought pastries for breakfast, made me coffee and organised my daughter to present me with a print that i had mentioned i liked last year. He made sure he had his rdo on my birthday and after picking up DD from nursery after lunch we went to have a small afternoon tea as a family. A babysitter was organised for the evening and we went out for dinner with my husband and parents. It was lovely and i felt special. You deserve similar, it's the lack of effort and gaslighting by your husband that made me upset for you.

I REALLY hope he's joking or has realised your upset and is organising something special.

Its hard to believe he is that unobservant or just "hopeless" in a charming way.
It smacks of resentment, he knows you take pleasure in presents and he knows this will affect you. Does he have some kind of unexpressed beef with you and this is his way of dealing with it?
He's making a statement with the books. I had a sibling who used to buy me presents like this.
Its particularly mean of him to do this to your DD who is excited for you and wants to celebrate with you. And when you are pregnant too.

Because of your DD, i would go and buy a fuck off cake with her. Help her lay out a celebration breakfast try. Buy some lovely flowers. Celebrate it with her. Take her out and let her chose something you would really love and make it a present from her.
Book a lunch for all of you, yes make him sit through it, and your friends so that there is some form of celebration.
Make it the birthday you should have had for you and your DD. You both deserve it.

And then get him to marriage guidance because what he's doing is mean, whether he claims not to realise it or not, and if he's got a beef there are better ways to express it than taking it out on you and your poor DD.

And if all of this is to disguise a birthday surprise of some sort, as has been suggested that also stinks because its cruel to upset you in advance by making you feel so bad and then shout surprise and expect you to be delighted by it. People who do that are actually enjoying the effect it has and I've never seen it pan out well because the birthday person feels so shit by then. Its not on

I hope you do have a happy birthday with your DD because she deserves to see that birthdays should be celebrated and that it is lovely to plan nice things for a loved one, rather than the shit depressing example he is presenting.

I watched my mum go though this as a child. After a few birthdays and Christmases she got the point and has bought her own presents since which my dad has funded. Avoids disappointment.

As a result I’ve always bought my own presents. If someone gives me something I like, it’s a bonus. I learnt that lesson early on.

My old NDN’s husband was amazing at presents - beautiful handmade jewellery, her favourite boots in the right brand and size, art, holidays, gorgeous coats etc but he was fucking the whole neighbourhood…

He sounds shit. He knows it means a lot to you and yet he can’t be arsed.

But then you seem willing to put up with it as you’re having a second child with him. Why would he change? You accept it when he’s lazy and thoughtless and it’s easier for him not to change.

It’s ok OP, we ALL have something we are snobby about. You can’t force yourself to like something.

It was my 40th last year and my DH had wrapped up about six stuffed toys from a kids’ charity shop. My 6 year old promptly took charge of them. I’m not ashamed to admit I was pissed at him. Such a lack of consideration. I’d rather have had nothing, really.

Woman likes a certain genre of books so she’s stuck up?

really?

she must accept any old shit?

You’ve said ‘fair enough’ a lot. Why? You know it’s not fair enough.

The conversation I would have with him is that despite carrying his child which is pretty miserable however wanted the child is, he has shown you exactly the value he places on you and the importance you hold in his life. And short of him kicking you it's difficult to imagine him setting the bar any lower.

People with MAs in Lit can still like "trashy" romance lit

It is snobbery

Yet again reading so many of these awful stories on mumsnet OP I am rejoicing in not being in a relationship any more and having to put up with this kind of selfish shit.

There’s trashy - which can be quite clever - and then there’s Mills and Boon. I could no more read the latter than fly to the moon.

I disagree. Everyone knows that mills and boon is granny porn.

Don't be ridiculous. It's preference. Sci fi, fantasy, romance, cowboy stories, whodunnits, thrillers, classic fiction, current literary fiction, biographies, military history, railway books, recipe books- the list of genres is endless and we're allowed to have our favourites.

I would hate the books and the complete lack of thought. How someone can care so little about their spouse is beyond me. He's shit.

Same
I'd rather read a cereal packet than read nothing sometimes!

@WoolyOctopus the gifts are so awful that you would hope that they are joke.

He is a selfish dick. Many people have a very very low bar here. It’s ok to expect a gift borne of thought and kindness. He could have made an effort. You said what you wanted. You deserve so much more.

And what is wrong with having a particular taste and not liking things that don't correspond. I'm sure there's stuff you don't like and it'd be pointless to buy it for you. Would that make you stuck up? Or just entitled to your taste. It's inconsiderate to buy a gift that the person won't like, it's not being stuck up.

You spent £500 on him and he bought you out of date chocolate and some bath bombs????

I think I would say to him now on, you are not running him anything and you don't want him to buy you anything. Treat yourself I don't give that fucker anything.

And you are not snobby about what you read, you are just particular about it, and there isn't anything wrong with that.

And preference is fine
Acting like you're above a certain genre because you have a degree in snobbery

Totally with the OP with her reading choice.

M&B was a great escape at 13, but not now.

Does he know her at all?

She's carrying his child but he couldn't be arsed to sort out a small little gift.

Men like him don't make me feel safe loved, cherished.

Certainly wouldn't be bending myself out of shape for them.

I would be looking at him afresh.

He's a lazy thoughtless arse.

It is a pity.

But in my life with lots of great women around me, trying to change men rarely works.

Change yourself and let them know that THEIR behaviour has changed YOU, has been far more effective in the many marriages that have surrounded me the past 30 years.
I

It's not about the books is it! OP isn't being a book snob and even if she didn't like "literature" who really wants 2 cheap mills and boon from the charity shop.
Money isn't an issue nor is time when we have online shopping.
The fact is the DH doesn't care enough to choose an appropriate thoughtful gift or provide a few cupcakes or a Colin the caterpillar to have a bit of fun and sing happy birthday.
Only you OP can know if other areas of your marriage redeem him but I wouldnt be happy.
Some blokes seem to be able to get away with the bare minimum of love and care. Why bother really.

Again
The stuck up part is because of the attitude.
Not "some books in a genre I don't like" but mentioning degrees etc like that makes her better than those who do like those books