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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to work a second job to make ends meet

581 replies

drusillabee · 26/05/2023 00:06

I am a teacher working 4 days.

DH has a clinical role in NHS.

Our household income is about 80k. Pretty decent until you factor in rising costs of everything plus childcare.

We have 2 DC under 3 and omg nursery costs are so expensive. I'm on MAT leave for another month and I'm having to go back sooner than we anticipated due to rising costs and basically having run out of money since I won't be getting any SMP.

I just am so sad that I've worked since I was 16, essentially paying into the system for the last 10 years and feeling like I have nothing to show for it.

I've worked my bloody arse off in inner city schools with kids that come from awful backgrounds to help them get out of the cycle of benefits they were born into. The government haven't paid me (or other public sector workers) a penny extra for going above and beyond every single fucking day.

And when we do need a little helping hand, we get jack shit. Nurses got a clap. Teachers got a pay rise but more workload to go along with it.

And then when women go on MAT leave we're given hardly anything to bloody survive that forces to return to work after 6 months slogging for the government that are relying on basically free labour.

My 2 year old asked me to buy her an ice cream today and I'm so grateful that I managed to distract her with the snacks I brought from home because I have £6 left in my bank account till Tuesday.

I go back to work in a week. My youngest daughter won't even be 9 months. She refused a bottle and is exclusively breastfed. She doesn't even take expressed milk from a cup. My heart is breaking at thinking how she's going to go a whole day without me.

I can't even do anything else that I can leave teaching for more flexible hours and better pay. Tbh I love teaching, I just hate that I have to return so soon on a shit salary for the job that I do.

So on top of that, I'm having to look for a weekend job so we can do more than just pay the bills.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Nordicrain · 26/05/2023 12:23

Well this thread has drifted.

From CoL/ two professionals can't afford life to OP's husband hiding his money from her and creating a situation where she is using up all her savings on her kids and feels she can't ask him to contribute fairly.

Sounds like this isn't even necessarily a budgeting issue, but a relationship one. How on earth have you accepted that your DH keeps his salary to yourself while you dip into your savings to afford softplay while on Mat leave?

To your questions - DH and I keep seperate accounts. But we know exactly how much each other earns and we have access to each others' bank accounts. Dh leaves his pay slips lying around so I could just look at one. He'd not care in the slightest because we are entirely open about money. You don't have to pool everything - as I said,we don't because its our preference - but you do have to be open and fair. So just speak to him straught up, there is nothing to be shamed of here.

adviceseeker22 · 26/05/2023 12:25

We survived with a joint income of £50k and a nursery bill of £800. We're on 100k ATM, nursery bill of £1400 and TBH we're doing alright

idrinkandiknowthings · 26/05/2023 12:25

drusillabee · 26/05/2023 00:27

@Hawkins0001 anywhere between £60-£100 a week depending on what I'm cooking.

Now that our second is on solids our bill has rocketed as we're having to factor in her food, particularly food that she will eat whilst she's away from me (I.e. egg custard from a jar).

It's be much cheaper to make your own food. Jars cost an absolute fortune, though I get that they're convenient.

I used to batch cook a load of stuff and then freeze it all in little pots.

Kids are very expensive. I was back at work when my daughter was 4 months old 😔

SweetSakura · 26/05/2023 12:25

Teateaandmoretea · 26/05/2023 12:09

It's another MN race to the bottom thread.

OP YAB a bit U because the point where you're paying for childcare is bad. Plus you're very young so have higher mortgage payments/ less equity than you could have chosen a few years down the line/ less reserves. As long as you don't have any more kids your financial situation will be completely different in 5 years.

The teacher Mat pay is only really statutory though unless it's changed - the 50% for 6 months only just about covers the holiday pay that they are legally entitled to.

It's not a race to the bottom. Op's original post implying she couldn't afford an ice cream for her child was completely disingenuous

wherediditgo80 · 26/05/2023 12:27

Supernova23 · 26/05/2023 06:02

If you are struggling on 80k a year then you are living well above your means.

Not when you are paying thousands in nursery fees.

Worrywart987 · 26/05/2023 12:27

benfoldsfivefan · 26/05/2023 11:59

i find threads like this MN becomes a bit of a pile on as to telling the OP how they are living beyond their means, shouldn’t have had a second child, should downsize, get a lodger, eat lentils etc. But sometimes you just need to get it off your chest how unfair it is

What’s unfair about the OP’s situation? Her and her partner have a combined income of 80K and have no idea of all of their outgoings but clearly have a huge amount of disposable income, more than most. They’re also in steady jobs with nice perks and have already got on the housing ladder.

Unfair doesn’t mean that she’s not more fortunate than others, i mean it in the context that people aren’t able to live the life they want or the life they had envisioned due to circumstances changing very quickly. Perhaps promotions that have been worked hard for, the pay rise is disappearing due to cost of living and now another promotion is at least a few years away. Now that means that people have to scale back their lifestyle, less holidays , perhaps putting off home repairs etc… all of that when you’ve envisioned living life one way does feel unfair, it doesn’t mean that those people aren’t still in a relatively fortunate position.

ToK1 · 26/05/2023 12:29

Pointing out how fortunate the op is neither bashing nor a race to the bottom

It's just common sense

MathsNervous · 26/05/2023 12:29

Our family income is nowhere near £80k and we don't struggle. A lot will depend where you live within the UK.

orangesoda36 · 26/05/2023 12:31

Itsanotherhreatday · 26/05/2023 06:54

My eldest is 23

We paid for childcare from our salaries, no free hours.

So imagine being paid so you didn’t have to rely on the government for free hours? Who thought that would be a good idea? Few years of childcare V being underpaid the rest of your career.

Yes and I'm sure 23 years ago is cost £55-70 per day 🙄

Quveas · 26/05/2023 12:35

@CinnamonSwirlGirl Sorry if these are things you’ve already mentioned - I’ve only read a few pages.

If you'd read a few more of the pages you would have realised that there was no "race to the bottom" because with a house, two shiny new cars, and a household income of £80k the OP is nowhere near the bottom!

HelloShitty123 · 26/05/2023 12:41

ToK1 · 26/05/2023 12:07

@otherusername @HelloShitty123

So not a band 8 then.

As I said in our trust the most you will get is a band 6.

And if you do a band 5 role, you get a band 5

Well, they are a band 8 in their role and they work bank shifts. Albeit paid at band 7 but still, very common for band 8 NHS workers to work bank shifts as senior managers. Which OP said her DH was doing and you cast doubt on.

So, you were wrong.

ToK1 · 26/05/2023 12:44

@HelloShitty123

No I wasn't

  1. if he was doing bank shifts it wouldn't be as a band 8

  2. op clarified he wasn't doing bank shifts but was doing additional hours.

I still think that is a piss take at that level and certainly won't be very common.

benfoldsfivefan · 26/05/2023 12:53

Worrywart987 · 26/05/2023 12:27

Unfair doesn’t mean that she’s not more fortunate than others, i mean it in the context that people aren’t able to live the life they want or the life they had envisioned due to circumstances changing very quickly. Perhaps promotions that have been worked hard for, the pay rise is disappearing due to cost of living and now another promotion is at least a few years away. Now that means that people have to scale back their lifestyle, less holidays , perhaps putting off home repairs etc… all of that when you’ve envisioned living life one way does feel unfair, it doesn’t mean that those people aren’t still in a relatively fortunate position.

Show quote history

None of this applies to the OP, though.

CosmosQueen · 26/05/2023 12:57

Quveas · 26/05/2023 08:51

They aren't bloody topped up to £80k a year!

I'm sorry, because I get that childcare is expensive and I get that we are all facing the impacts of price increases, but there are people who can't heat their homes or put food on the table, so I'm not going to weep buckets for someone who is struggling on £80k a year (that's over 2 times the median household income for working households).

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The highest our joint income ever got to was £45k 😵‍💫
We’re retired now and on state pension plus my small NHS one.
It makes me wonder how wonderful life might have been if we’d earned double 🤔

LouisCatorze · 26/05/2023 13:10

This thread is really all about making major 'grown-up lifestyle choices' at a relatively young age (but expecting to have it all), surely?

Most mid-twentysomethings, even with graduate jobs, may not be in a position to contemplate ticking one (let alone three or four) of those boxes yet.

We have family friends who work for the NHS in Band 7 / 8 management roles, albeit with clinical responsibilities, and I'd say the most they get for working overtime is TOIL, not extra pay. Isn't it the elephant in the room that the NHS/Social care are shored up by all the 'free' hours staff members work?

peachespeachespeaches · 26/05/2023 13:19

What the blazes are you spending 80k a year on that means you've got £6 until pay day?

You're either living above your means or are shit at handling money. 80k is not a low income.

LadyJ2023 · 26/05/2023 13:19

I'm sorry it's tough but even just your hubby wage is more than what mine gets anywhere near a year and we have 4 kids 3 are under 3 I can't quite see where your moneys going tbh. We pay rent,have 2 cars,all bills paid on time,have our holidays and don't owe anyone so puzzled tbh

wherediditgo80 · 26/05/2023 13:22

peachespeachespeaches · 26/05/2023 13:19

What the blazes are you spending 80k a year on that means you've got £6 until pay day?

You're either living above your means or are shit at handling money. 80k is not a low income.

Nursery fees!

Worrywart987 · 26/05/2023 13:24

benfoldsfivefan · 26/05/2023 12:53

None of this applies to the OP, though.

Show quote history

I dunno, kind of seems like it is…aside from the dh who might be downplaying his income to hold onto more

expensive car that needs to be sold, that seems like readjusting life style which of course can feel unfair

Earplug · 26/05/2023 13:32

The OP does not know exactly what her husband earns and is apprehensive about asking to see his payslip.

That is the problem here.

Ohhmydays · 26/05/2023 13:37

drusillabee · 26/05/2023 08:10

Irt solids, my youngest generally eats whatever we do without added salt/sugar/modified for baby.

However as I've been building up the time I'll be leaving her when I go back to work, she is completely refusing any form of milk from a bottle or cup.

I introduced a bottle at the start btw (6 weeks) and we've been trying ever since and she's always refused.

The only things she does eat are the jars of Heinz rice puddings and egg custard with satisfaction. She only has these when I'm not around.

Also my grocery bill hasn't gone up by £40 because of solids lol. 60-100 is the general range of what we spend. It's mostly around 70. Closer to 100 if we've bought extra fruit for little one to try or a ready meal because I need a break from cooking, for example.

Does she like porridge op? If so could blend up normal oats and make her porridge from that and leave that for when you aren’t around maybe blend in some banana

Teateaandmoretea · 26/05/2023 13:39

orangesoda36 · 26/05/2023 12:31

Yes and I'm sure 23 years ago is cost £55-70 per day 🙄

Show quote history

But wages were also lower 🙄

watermeloncougar · 26/05/2023 13:51

There's all this talk of double nursery fees, but the OP's not back at work yet, and the eldest will get 30 free hours before too long.
There's also a lot of angst around the youngest not drinking from a cup.

The OP is going to return to work just for the last bit of the summer term, so that she's back to full pay over the summer, and a 6 week summer holiday will give more time to get the younger child used to eating a wider range and drinking from a cup. If the younger child is 8 months now, they'll be pretty much one year old by the time the OP is back for the autumn term.

Really, this isn't the terrible ordeal the OP makes it sound. Especially given the context; the OP being a 26 year old homeowner! This is the hardest it's going to be. Childcare fees will reduce and then disappear eventually. OPs earning potential will increase, especially if she goes full time. This is just a very temporary phase of paying nursery for 2 kids and it's entirely doable on their incomes; they just need to cut back on the treats for a short while.

Hankunamatata · 26/05/2023 13:59

Most teachers I know tutor on top of their jobs. One specialising in a dyslexia programme, one does 11+ style.
So 80k between you is what 5k a month after tax? Nursery fees £1200 still leaves £3800? Is your mortgage or rent high?

Worrywart987 · 26/05/2023 14:01

Hankunamatata · 26/05/2023 13:59

Most teachers I know tutor on top of their jobs. One specialising in a dyslexia programme, one does 11+ style.
So 80k between you is what 5k a month after tax? Nursery fees £1200 still leaves £3800? Is your mortgage or rent high?

I don’t think so because 95 between dh and I is 5.4