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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to work a second job to make ends meet

581 replies

drusillabee · 26/05/2023 00:06

I am a teacher working 4 days.

DH has a clinical role in NHS.

Our household income is about 80k. Pretty decent until you factor in rising costs of everything plus childcare.

We have 2 DC under 3 and omg nursery costs are so expensive. I'm on MAT leave for another month and I'm having to go back sooner than we anticipated due to rising costs and basically having run out of money since I won't be getting any SMP.

I just am so sad that I've worked since I was 16, essentially paying into the system for the last 10 years and feeling like I have nothing to show for it.

I've worked my bloody arse off in inner city schools with kids that come from awful backgrounds to help them get out of the cycle of benefits they were born into. The government haven't paid me (or other public sector workers) a penny extra for going above and beyond every single fucking day.

And when we do need a little helping hand, we get jack shit. Nurses got a clap. Teachers got a pay rise but more workload to go along with it.

And then when women go on MAT leave we're given hardly anything to bloody survive that forces to return to work after 6 months slogging for the government that are relying on basically free labour.

My 2 year old asked me to buy her an ice cream today and I'm so grateful that I managed to distract her with the snacks I brought from home because I have £6 left in my bank account till Tuesday.

I go back to work in a week. My youngest daughter won't even be 9 months. She refused a bottle and is exclusively breastfed. She doesn't even take expressed milk from a cup. My heart is breaking at thinking how she's going to go a whole day without me.

I can't even do anything else that I can leave teaching for more flexible hours and better pay. Tbh I love teaching, I just hate that I have to return so soon on a shit salary for the job that I do.

So on top of that, I'm having to look for a weekend job so we can do more than just pay the bills.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
milveycrohn · 26/05/2023 11:35

I have learned from colleagues that the current strategy seems to be to have more than one child close together, so you take a couple of years off work, eeking out the income by doing a few odd things (boot sales, child care - this last, one now has to be registered, so maybe not an option). Or alternatively, have your children spaced out, so one is in school before having the second.

At least when you return to work, you are presumably contributing not only the years required for the state pension, but also your own personal occupation pension.

Original poster
drusillabee · 26/05/2023 11:36

@SunnyEgg qualified as teacher in 2018. I've been working as one since then. I haven't been teaching for 10 years apologies for the confusion.

I've had 2 MAT leaves. First one was 9 months and this one will be 8 months.

OP posts:
HelloShitty123 · 26/05/2023 11:37

watermeloncougar · 26/05/2023 11:21

Yes, the 'worked ten years since age 16' thing is odd!

@drusillabee
As a teacher, you would have done A Levels, a degree and a post grad teaching qualification, yes? So that takes you up to age 22. You had your eldest child at age 23, and you've had two maternity leaves now at age 26. Exactly how many years have you worked? You're doing 4 days a week now - have you ever worked full time?

The more I think about it, to be homeowners at your age with the incomes you describe and having had 2 kids, I think you've got a nerve complaining about not being able to stack hundreds away in savings every month

That's a valid point.

OP probably means she had part time jobs from 16, apart from on MAT leave like lots of people do.

And her career job has been for the last 4/5 years, during which she's been on MAT leave twice.

Combined income of 80k, homeowner aged 26, 2 cars, putting her elder child in nursery twice a week while she's on MAT leave.

Not sure she's being screwed over by the Tories to be honest.

Original poster
drusillabee · 26/05/2023 11:37

@adrem that sounds like a tough convo. I know it's what most couples do, but I don't think he'll agree to that.

I wouldn't even know how to bring it up.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 26/05/2023 11:38

You need to look at your budget together. Aim to cover all your joint costs, with savings for joint expenses and have equal personal money. Remember that you also contribute more to unpaid work at home so should be taken into account. If you think he's lying about his salary, definitely ask him about it.

Perhaps move your money into separate accounts.

Main current account to pay direct debits for joint costs
Shared spending account for joint costs - food, travel, days out, child expenses etc
Joint savings for shared annual and irregular expenses, boiler replacement, car costs, Christmas, DC costs, family holiday etc.

After the above, aim to end up with some personal money each for your own spending. Clothes, lunches, etc.

StEtienne93 · 26/05/2023 11:38

drusillabee · 26/05/2023 00:33

@Ponoka7 everyone in our school is on the main pay scale for teaching. It's a pretty standard salary. What you earn depends how long you've been teaching.

I live in the midlands. God knows where the low earners live.

I live in the midlands and was in a similar situation as you are now, and I was considering a second job.

Are you able to reduce costs by sending your children to a childminder instead of nursery? I was paying over £1100 per month for full time nursery for one child. I used a childminder instead and my costs were reduced to £750 per month. With tax free childcare the costs were reduced further to £600. It's definitely worth looking into.

Bathintheshed · 26/05/2023 11:39

drusillabee · 26/05/2023 11:32

Yeah I need to sit with DH and have a frank convo about finance.

Our set up has worked until now, but last week he had a go at me for spending 'leisurely' on the joint account. I mean it's just food and treats for the kids.

I've always taken his word on what he earns, because well like I said it's been fine until now.

It's not unreasonable for me to ask to see his payslip?

I wonder if there are debts he hasn't told you about. You're married, ideally finances should be joint. An open honest discussion about income and outgoings is needed.

HelloShitty123 · 26/05/2023 11:41

ToK1 · 26/05/2023 11:03

What bank shifts is he doing as a band 8?!

Knowing band 8s in the NHS. Senior manager shifts. Could be WFH or could be on site.

SunnyEgg · 26/05/2023 11:42

drusillabee · 26/05/2023 11:36

@SunnyEgg qualified as teacher in 2018. I've been working as one since then. I haven't been teaching for 10 years apologies for the confusion.

I've had 2 MAT leaves. First one was 9 months and this one will be 8 months.

Ok so five years teaching and with 1.5 ish taken out for ML

3.5 years work and buying first house. I’d say that’s fast, compared to people I know with a range of salaries

adrem · 26/05/2023 11:43

drusillabee · 26/05/2023 11:37

@adrem that sounds like a tough convo. I know it's what most couples do, but I don't think he'll agree to that.

I wouldn't even know how to bring it up.

Why..You’re a couple with kids.
We didn’t even have a conversation about it really. We got married and set up joint accounts. Just like putting both your names on a mortgage.

I’ve only realised a lot of people have ‘me’ salaries since coming on to MN. I find it crazy.
People saying dh puts this amount in and I put that amount in. Really.! It sounds like my mum in the 60s/70s who was given cash at the end of the working week for housekeeping and my dad keeping the rest. F… that!

Youre a couple, you share. What his is yours what’s yours is his. Taking the rough with the smooth if one can’t work due to maternity, illness etc. stress free.

ToK1 · 26/05/2023 11:43

@HelloShitty123

As bank?

I have never in 20 years seen a band 8 bank shift.

In fact in my trust the most you will be paid for a bank shift is band 6

Original poster
drusillabee · 26/05/2023 11:44

@SunnyEgg yeah as mentioned in a prev post I'm very fortunate to be in the position I'm in, and I've taken a step back to appreciate my blessings.

OP posts:
ToK1 · 26/05/2023 11:45

@drusillabee

Did your oh take any shared leave?

If not why not?

Glittertwins · 26/05/2023 11:47

Have you asked the nursery about a sibling discount? We got 10% off with twins. Can't get much closer in age gap than that

Original poster
drusillabee · 26/05/2023 11:47

@adrem I honestly don't know how we ended up with this set up.

I was very young when I got married with a lot of savings that I grafted for as mentioned already. That all went on the house and my mum told me to keep my own account with my own money in case shit hit the fan, at least I had my own money.

I really don't know how I would bring it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
drusillabee · 26/05/2023 11:48

Glittertwins · 26/05/2023 11:47

Have you asked the nursery about a sibling discount? We got 10% off with twins. Can't get much closer in age gap than that

They only give sibling discount if they attend 5 days a week.

But having read some previous posts, it's come to light that childcare costs isn't the problem here, but thanks for your suggestion

OP posts:
Original poster
drusillabee · 26/05/2023 11:49

ToK1 · 26/05/2023 11:45

@drusillabee

Did your oh take any shared leave?

If not why not?

No, tbh I never considered it.

I don't even know how it works in terms of pay, because I haven't even read up about it.

I think we just assumed that we would be financially better off with me staying home and him working as he's the higher earner.

OP posts:
watermeloncougar · 26/05/2023 11:50

@SunnyEgg I agree, the more this thread has gone on, the more I'm struggling to understand the problem. If the OP only qualified as a teacher 5 years ago and has managed to buy a house and take two mat leaves since then, it's pretty good going.
And Mat leaves of 9 months and 8 months is pretty good going too, babies are weaning by then so it's not like exclusive bf and pumping (which omg is really hard going when you're back at work)

It feels a bit like the OP is switching tack now to make this more about her dh not being transparent about his earnings, rather than a genuine issue of not being able to afford to live....

HelloShitty123 · 26/05/2023 11:51

drusillabee · 26/05/2023 11:36

@SunnyEgg qualified as teacher in 2018. I've been working as one since then. I haven't been teaching for 10 years apologies for the confusion.

I've had 2 MAT leaves. First one was 9 months and this one will be 8 months.

So in 5 years as a teacher you've had 18 months MAT leave and you're complaining you've been working in the public sector, paying taxes and have nothing to show for it and the government should be helping you out more?

Do you not see what you've benefitted from?

And it really doesn't equate to what you think you've put in? Because you're likely taking out more than you've contributed?

neverbeenskiing · 26/05/2023 11:51

Your income is a dream come through for a lot of people. It's going on something.

It's going on her mortgage- which has gone up.
Utility bills- which have gone up massively.
Fuel assuming they have a car- also gone up.
Food shopping- everything has gone up.

OP also mentioned they will soon have 2 kids in nursery which everyone knows is expensive.

I work in a school and have colleagues who were managing just fine before but are really struggling now. We are losing lots of staff because they are seeking out better paid jobs in other sectors.

Sussexcricket · 26/05/2023 11:52

"So your take home is around £4300 and your outgoings are around £3300…..I don’t get it…*

Me neither
7 year old and 2 year old
Me and DP avoid child care costs workout opposite shifts at the moment .
We take home about 35,000 a year combined with a UC top up included in that figure.

850 a month on rent. Still had 250 left over this month. What are you spending it on ?
I don't feel like we are struggling at all

BarbaraofSeville · 26/05/2023 11:53

watermeloncougar · 26/05/2023 11:50

@SunnyEgg I agree, the more this thread has gone on, the more I'm struggling to understand the problem. If the OP only qualified as a teacher 5 years ago and has managed to buy a house and take two mat leaves since then, it's pretty good going.
And Mat leaves of 9 months and 8 months is pretty good going too, babies are weaning by then so it's not like exclusive bf and pumping (which omg is really hard going when you're back at work)

It feels a bit like the OP is switching tack now to make this more about her dh not being transparent about his earnings, rather than a genuine issue of not being able to afford to live....

Well if her DH is keeping back more than his fair share of his earnings, then that could genuinely be the problem.

It's clear from posts on here that some men see children and the cost of raising them as the mother's responsibility, like its a nice hobby for women, rather than equally on both parents.

SunnyEgg · 26/05/2023 11:53

watermeloncougar · 26/05/2023 11:50

@SunnyEgg I agree, the more this thread has gone on, the more I'm struggling to understand the problem. If the OP only qualified as a teacher 5 years ago and has managed to buy a house and take two mat leaves since then, it's pretty good going.
And Mat leaves of 9 months and 8 months is pretty good going too, babies are weaning by then so it's not like exclusive bf and pumping (which omg is really hard going when you're back at work)

It feels a bit like the OP is switching tack now to make this more about her dh not being transparent about his earnings, rather than a genuine issue of not being able to afford to live....

It seems odd. But what can you do

I’m trying to think of how many can work for 3.5 years then buy a home from savings

Not many

Worrywart987 · 26/05/2023 11:54

I want to reach through the screen and give you a hug

you shouldn’t have to get another job no, you should get to live the life that you have worked hard for. We all should.

i find threads like this MN becomes a bit of a pile on as to telling the OP how they are living beyond their means, shouldn’t have had a second child, should downsize, get a lodger, eat lentils etc. But sometimes you just need to get it off your chest how unfair it is

adrem · 26/05/2023 11:56

drusillabee · 26/05/2023 11:47

@adrem I honestly don't know how we ended up with this set up.

I was very young when I got married with a lot of savings that I grafted for as mentioned already. That all went on the house and my mum told me to keep my own account with my own money in case shit hit the fan, at least I had my own money.

I really don't know how I would bring it up.

Your mum has given you very good advice in terms of having your own money. However you can both do that by putting some aside in personal savings accounts.
That amount should not be based on each of your earnings though. It should be an equal amount for each of you. Because…..you’re a couple.

Your partner needs to be fully invested in your relationship, if you think it won’t go down well then he really isn’t.

When you sit down for a chat about finances just put it to him that now you have two kids it’s time to move things on.

Your salary and your partners salary is one sum. Not two individual sums where you both talk about how much you get and how much he gets. It’s one figure. If you talk in those terms, always!. It will sink in.

Then, maybe, you won’t be so stressed about it.