To think young women just don’t realise... (TW: fertility/ TTC)

[DespairingALittle]

Nc as this combined with various other posts would be outing, this is a bugbear I’ve thought about a lot when ttc myself and something today brought it up again...

Anyhow, AIBU to think ladies In their late twenties who freeze their eggs (or plan to as a ‘failsafe’) don’t realise it’s not a guarantee or the same as ‘pressing pause’ on biology?

This comes about as i was chatting to childhood friend (29, same as me) about kids (I have recently had DS so this is why we were chatting about kids) and she said ‘oh x (school pal) froze her eggs recently, if I haven’t had kids by 33 I’ll do the same, x is so relieved to press pause and take the pressure off’ another friend has also mentioned egg freezing recently for the same reason, both have just said they don’t want the responsibility of kids yet but are in a ‘good’ position to do so ... each to their own but all I could think was that it’s all well and good but it doesn’t guarantee anything! Sadly the demon biology also makes it harder to carry as you age too, it’s not all about eggs!

I just think so many in my generation have the attitude that it will just happen later regardless thanks to science but everyone I know who has had kids or tried to have kids later has struggled (not a guarantee ofc but a statistical probability nonetheless)... interested to hear other people’s thoughts on this. Perhaps this is more of a ‘my circle of friends’ issue than a wider one.

YANBU - it’s a concern, many may end up disappointed in the future, not to mention already falling birth rates etc
YABU - mind your own!

Interesting that lots have jumped on to say I know so and so who had kids at x age. My entire NCT cohort are over 38 (only one conceived naturally), my own mum was having children from 19-45... I know it’s possible and I genuinely hope for the best outcome for those who choose to (or through circumstances have to) wait.

But the friends I’ve spoken to are flippant now and likely won’t understand the cost/process fully until their already in it. It’s a big decision to make now with the naive understanding that it’s an easy process to ‘pause time’.

Exactly - it isn’t women benefitting from all this scaremongering.

I would rather risk missing out on ever having children than end up financially dependent and trapped in a lousy marriage in my 20s. And I don’t think I’m in the monitory.

Having been through IVF - taking hormones to increase egg production is a big deal and its regulated so the clinics will be telling them the odds once they look into it. I'd leave them to get on - there is also no point having kids just because you are aging if you are not ready - there are other options than using your own eggs.

I think this is based around the fact that, statistically, people are more likely to have health/mobility problems in their 50s, 60s and beyond, so waiting till retirement to travel and have adventures is a bit of a risk. I had my babies at 28 and 30 (most of my friends were considerably older when they had theirs) I’m 45 now and hoping that I will maintain some of my current fitness levels and good health so that DH and I can buy a motorhome and travel around Europe in our retirement.

If it doesn’t happen, so be it. And that’s how some people feel about having children. For me, I knew that I desperately wanted to have children so for me it was a priority to give myself the best chance of it happening by starting in my 20s. For others, the travelling and partying will be the bit that’s non-negotiable and having children will be a ‘nice if it happens’.

Yes that is very true. When I got pregnant in the early 70s I went to see GP when I would have been 8 weeks pregnant, he examined me and said I was probably pregnant, come back in 4 weeks if your period doesn't come. Compare that to now when you can test before you've even missed a period. I can certainly think of one occasion in the early 70s when I might well have had an early miscarriage but it was written off as a late period that was heavy.

Well if genetics play a part, my DD is fine - my mum had me at 39, i had two kids at age 35 and 40, no fertility issues.

And no kids isn't the end of the world, my children may not even want any!

I put YABU just because most women that I know who froze their eggs were not flippant about it at all.

These were all lovely women, who had yet to find a man who would commit to them and start a family. This is very common I think.

However sometimes a fertility MOT wouldn't tell you all you need to know. There apparently wasn't anything "wrong" with me, nor with ExH. However we just couldn't conceive together and by the time we had jumped through the investigative hoops, we had run out of time to continue with IVF as well.

This. There is definitely a false sense of security with this - there is a lot of infertility that is "unexplained" ie everything looks fine on paper, but it isn't happening. Not to mention secondary infertility. It really is a lottery and so unpredictable until you're in the place to try!

I think this post is a teeny but judgy. Freezing eggs offers a possibility for having children later on. It's no guarantee, but it's something.

Some people don't want to be single mothers or want to wait. You can't just magically find your person in the blink of an eye. Or maybe they are choosing to focus on their career. All personal and valid choices.

This is the right choice for some people. It's also up to them to work out the finances.

Wasn't there a TV drama with Gemma Chan about this, some time ago?

Maybe children aren't that much of a priority for some, so they'd just rather take the risk and enjoy their 30s, then cross that bridge when they come to it?

What if people have kids before they're ready because they're feeling the pressure of 'what if?' and regret it?

Life is full of choices and chances - nothing is ever guaranteed.

If you’d read my original post you’d know the answer to both of these! I think if you know you want kids and are in the position to have them that the desire for a few more years of fun may be a big gamble when you ttc down the line. Fertility is sadly on a time limit... interrailing and holidaying in the south of France are not. Better yet, do some of the things with your kids, yes more stressful but absolutely doable! But if you don’t know or don’t want them, by all means crack on! I’m not into partying or travelling much anyway so don’t feel left behind and am very fulfilled by my choices!

Have you considered that your friends might be being flippant about it with you because you’re being judgmental towards their life choices?

they do sound a bit thick like they jsut togo down the bank insert their eggs and get pregnant

My mum got married at 34, had two quick pregnancies aged 35 and 37 (me) and was menopausal in mid 40s. I got married at 29, started ttc straightaway, started IVF at 33, never got pregnant.

Well said. Women can’t win. We are told to be financially independent, to not rely on a man and also to choose well in a man, and also to be interesting, travelled and exciting.

We are also then told that it is all our fault if we don’t have babies at age 20 with the first man we can snare into marriage. So tough if we can’t have them later.

Men on the other hand, can do whatever they want and start a family quite easily when they are 50+ with a woman in their late twenties or thirties.

And a bit smug. Sorry OP but this is a bit ivory tower

Appreciate it probably comes off like that, it is more a concern that friends will be disappointed down the line. I think my issue is that they do seem to believe it’s a guarantee. They (and anyone else)are free to do whatever they want of course - all valid choices but I worry many see it as a guaranteed failsafe which it is not.

Kind of. If doesn’t help where you have all the celebrities and shows like selling sunset where you can literally whatever you want. People forget that you need a lot of money to go through the multiple ivf, surrogacy etc

Yes, especially as she has just had one. A little bitchy but hiding behind the guise of "I care and worry"

They're having a chat with a mate who's already having a kid, not perpetuating a narrative. It's a light chat. By all means say "oh I'm Surprised you're contemplating children given you're not as settled as me right now and anything but PIV within the next 6 months will mean you'll never actually HAVE children" but I suspect you're over thinking their comments

I looked into freezing eggs in my 20s but decided against it as some quick research showed there was a low chance of success, and it was quite expensive. I think most women would be able to read the same research and understand that it doesn't guarantee a healthy live baby at the end.

I had my last baby at 42, which was conceived naturally. No problems with the pregnancy and no miscarriages.

theres a reply up thread where I mention this but no. I’ve never passed opinion either way to them. It’s their choice and I’d never sit there and say I told you so either! But I would be very sad for them if it doesn’t work out and I think a lack of real education and understand of fertility rates and treatments are to blame. As well as misrepresentation in the media.

tbh anyone spending thousands of their own pounds on something like egg freezing is more than capable of doing their own research into success rates. I also find it hard to believe the clinics outright lie to them when they ask the doctors their questions too. People do have to take a bit of responsibility for their own health.

Yes but OP women are also judged to be ‘relying too much on a man’ if they DON’T have a career and marry earlier and have kids. So these women are reacting to an impossible and unfair position that they are put in. They are trying to be independent women having fun or whatever, and also taking care of having a family later. I’d have compassion and some solidarity because it is the rubbish position we as all women find ourselves in.

I was lucky I had a child in my 40s, but many don’t and I don’t judge any of them ‘for leaving it too late’. It’s almost always not that they had these fantastic opportunties in their twenties to both have children, be married and have a career. In fact most of the lovely interesting and independent women I know were exactly the ones who did have a career. They were curious about the world and travelled. That’s great I think! They were not being flippant about kids. Most women in their 30s who want kids are ready for it - but trying to find a good man is pretty hard. That’s the one factor that I feel delays everything, including for myself. Most men are delaying kids.