To think young women just don’t realise... (TW: fertility/ TTC)

[DespairingALittle]

Nc as this combined with various other posts would be outing, this is a bugbear I’ve thought about a lot when ttc myself and something today brought it up again...

Anyhow, AIBU to think ladies In their late twenties who freeze their eggs (or plan to as a ‘failsafe’) don’t realise it’s not a guarantee or the same as ‘pressing pause’ on biology?

This comes about as i was chatting to childhood friend (29, same as me) about kids (I have recently had DS so this is why we were chatting about kids) and she said ‘oh x (school pal) froze her eggs recently, if I haven’t had kids by 33 I’ll do the same, x is so relieved to press pause and take the pressure off’ another friend has also mentioned egg freezing recently for the same reason, both have just said they don’t want the responsibility of kids yet but are in a ‘good’ position to do so ... each to their own but all I could think was that it’s all well and good but it doesn’t guarantee anything! Sadly the demon biology also makes it harder to carry as you age too, it’s not all about eggs!

I just think so many in my generation have the attitude that it will just happen later regardless thanks to science but everyone I know who has had kids or tried to have kids later has struggled (not a guarantee ofc but a statistical probability nonetheless)... interested to hear other people’s thoughts on this. Perhaps this is more of a ‘my circle of friends’ issue than a wider one.

YANBU - it’s a concern, many may end up disappointed in the future, not to mention already falling birth rates etc
YABU - mind your own!

I think the term "chemical pregnancy" is a bit misleading. A chemical pregnancy is actually a miscarriage, just a very early one and it can be down to chromosomal abnormalities or other factors.

Sorry that was to NotMyDayJob

With the greatest respect you know nothing about me. You don't know how many years of trying it took to get me here or how many miscarriages I had or the fertility based reasons why I used donor eggs.

My point is, I'm one of the types of women the OP is passing judgment on and I'm here saying 20 years I don't regret it and I don't need her judgment. The idea I would resent my children because it's hard is offensive.

Oh and I have a five year old as well so I knew exactly what I was letting myself in for.

I completely agree. It's so hard for women. We have to struggle and graft out entire 20s and sometimes into our 30s at work, trying to secure a good position, all the while watching our fertility decline. Men just don't have this problem. It's such an unequalising force in the workplace.

I actually think that the best thing to do would be focus on making career climbing compatible with child rearing. Flexible working, affordable childcare and more equal division of childcare responsibilities within families.

I’m very aware of that, I’ve had 4 of them and they were as much miscarriages as any of the later stage ones. I was just trying to clarify what the person who quoted me was saying.

This is very good advice. Thank you sincerely. I’ve been unsure how to engage fully because I don’t want to come off as judgey etc (as many of you have been keen to tell me I am!) so I don’t say too much in response. I won’t bring it up myself but if it comes up again I’ll try and gently ask them some questions.

I think they are also I the opposite situation you were - I’m the only one in our circle with a baby so they haven’t necessarily seen anyone struggle with fertility directly.

Are you this rude to everyone or is it special treatment for me?

Are you joking with “your contemporaries may not have dependent children any more”? In my area of London every mother of toddlers is over 40.

You’re far more likely to feel isolated and lonely if you have children in your 20s when “your contemporaries” are out enjoying their freedom.

I just think so many in my generation have the attitude that it will just happen later regardless thanks to science
Or they don't care?
Having children isn't everyone's chosen lifestyle, and being childfree is now a more common and less denigrated choice.

I think most know it’s not a guarantee . I also think the whole “ if you don’t have kids by mid 30s you won’t “ is a bit negative . Most women apart from those with fertility issues will get pregnant and carry to term even in the late 30s , and that’s why so many women have children a lot later than before . The reality is most women in their early 20s are not ready to become mums , and this is by no means a dig at young mums , I was a mum at 19 , 33 and 39 and about to be a mum at 41 .

She's being a bitch for sport.

Pay no heed.

(many people can feel regret, perhaps her children might regret being 'blessed' with such a waspish mother)

Absolutely and more power to them if they don’t, my worry is more for those that do!

I think the trigger warning needs to be for the unbearable smugness of being the OP.

Having been through IVF 3 times, the process is far from easy and the failure rate is very high. I would never encourage someone to freeze their eggs unless there was a medical reason to do so. I think people assume they will conceive easily in their 30’s and many do. It took 8 years before we were successful via ivf but our second child followed 2 years later (unassisted, first time trying).

When I last looked into it freezing eggs was fraught with difficulty and quite often they are non viable when thawed. The processes may have improved since then, but freezing embryos is way more successful but of course you need a viable partner for that, which is why so many women are going down the freezing route in the first place.

YABU
I had my eggs frozen at 31, although because I had cancer. In one round I had 24 eggs taken, and they told me (correctly) my chances of a baby with that were very high.
I'm now expecting DC3 with those pre-cancer eggs. I'd never even thought (or possibly heard of) freezing eggs before I was forced down this road, but with one round at a young age you can really help yourself. No, it's not guaranteed, but nor is anything in life. If you're young and have a good egg haul, your chances - if you want them - are very high.

You’re far more likely to feel isolated and lonely if you have children in your 20s when “your contemporaries” are out enjoying their freedom.

I don't get this. I was in my 20s when my child was a toddler. Didn't stop me making friends with mums of different ages. Why would I be isolated just because I'm a different age to other mums? Also my child isn't a prison. I enjoy plenty of freedom, even as a mum.

Posts on here of women in 30s with DH wanting to wait.

I think it men who need more education about fertility windows thrown at them.

I think women are very aware of stats and timeframes and yes making decisions to wait till are financially secure which take longer and longer in our society or deciding it's not for them at all

I can't say I know many who are freezing eggs personalty - and when they do I imagine draw back would likely be explained to them.

Thank you for sharing your experience, the research I have done previously suggested otherwise but it is genuinely reassuring that it can be this level of successful. I’m sorry of course for the reason you had to go down this route, I can’t imagine how that must have been for you but I’m genuinely pleased for you and glad to know egg freezing has the potential to be this successful.

So very risky. I started TTC when I was 31 turning 32. A year later when we hadn’t conceived I had some tests showing I have severely low ovarian reserve and not much time, my levels are more like a 43 year old. Two incredibly traumatic failed IVF rounds later and I’m finally pregnant with my (miracle) baby, possibly the only one I’ll be able to have. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and I always say delaying, even to 33, can be a very dangerous strategy if you actually want kids.

I’m now 33 and staring down the barrel of an early menopause sometime in the next few years. And I’m not the only person I know in this situation.

Why worry about them? They’re capable of making their own decisions and deciding their own priorities. You may not agree but you aren’t required to.

If they are planning to have kids and they are married already they should freeze embryos not eggs- much better odds.

Also, while its easier to get pregnant in your twenties and early 30s most of the women I know had their kids in the mid to late 40s. It's harder in your late 30s-- most had at least one miscarriage and two had to have IVF. However, everyone has had at least 1 child and almost all despite being older when starting have the 2 kids they wanted.

Discussing is normal yes. Doing ‘lots of research’ is less usual. I suspect your friends just don’t want kids as much as you do, as your comment suggests you wanted them to an unusual degree. They say they want them, because they do, but as they have other things in their lives they are not going to be devastated for life if it doesn’t happen. Their priorities are simply different to yours. You can want kids without it being your number one priority goal.

Personally I don’t like seeing my friends struggle/be upset as a general rule. More generally There are also widespread societal implications of (potentially avoidable) declining birth rates (but that’s a whole new thread for a whole other issue!)