To think young women just don’t realise... (TW: fertility/ TTC)

[DespairingALittle]

Nc as this combined with various other posts would be outing, this is a bugbear I’ve thought about a lot when ttc myself and something today brought it up again...

Anyhow, AIBU to think ladies In their late twenties who freeze their eggs (or plan to as a ‘failsafe’) don’t realise it’s not a guarantee or the same as ‘pressing pause’ on biology?

This comes about as i was chatting to childhood friend (29, same as me) about kids (I have recently had DS so this is why we were chatting about kids) and she said ‘oh x (school pal) froze her eggs recently, if I haven’t had kids by 33 I’ll do the same, x is so relieved to press pause and take the pressure off’ another friend has also mentioned egg freezing recently for the same reason, both have just said they don’t want the responsibility of kids yet but are in a ‘good’ position to do so ... each to their own but all I could think was that it’s all well and good but it doesn’t guarantee anything! Sadly the demon biology also makes it harder to carry as you age too, it’s not all about eggs!

I just think so many in my generation have the attitude that it will just happen later regardless thanks to science but everyone I know who has had kids or tried to have kids later has struggled (not a guarantee ofc but a statistical probability nonetheless)... interested to hear other people’s thoughts on this. Perhaps this is more of a ‘my circle of friends’ issue than a wider one.

YANBU - it’s a concern, many may end up disappointed in the future, not to mention already falling birth rates etc
YABU - mind your own!

I don't disagree with you, but there are others in this thread who claim to have done this, making snippy comments about those who didn't

It's not free. Student finance is now a student loan fyi

Yes, aware, I have one myself! But it’s not free when young as pp suggests then you pay when you’re older. You have the same right to access whatever funding at the time is available to anyone younger than you.

Partner is climbing the ladder swiftly in a corporate creative industry, i am high-ish up in a niche retail area. Friends careers include marketing, investment/finance, engineering & working with rescue animals. Varied but as couples we’re all in relatively similar financial situations.

Pals were incredibly supportive before and after baby. They were the first two I told and consider them more like sisters.

Neither are particularly on SM much to be ‘showing off’ and neither am I to be lurking , none of us are that type of person now we’re a bit older. We’ve sort of aged out of caring much for Instagram and we’re not on fb at all.

Also DP and I have not been party people for a long time! (Started young finished young!) Neither do we have a burning desire to travel and feel cheated out of child free travelling because we chose to have kids younger(ish).

Im afraid you’re a bit off the mark.

To be fair. The vast majority of people aren’t doctors and aren’t locked into long term training and university and arduous hours in the same way. Most people are free from education much sooner than anyone medical. So relying on their experience/setup as the basis of ones point (whether you agree with me or not) is a little skewed anyway!

The info I have if by their own admission! Odd to tell your mates you want kids and could have them but are choosing to wait if that’s not true.

But then again I suppose they must just be lying of coyrse! A lot of mumsnet seem to think that it’s totally mad that very good friends would share intimate details of their lives with one another! I have always had very close and open friendships with these girls. They have no reason to say stuff if it’s not true.

I don’t ask if they want kids, but it often comes up due to me recently having had one myself. They seem to want to talk about it with me given I’ve just been through the process. It’s not that unusual! I’ve never told them what they should or shouldn’t do.

None of your business now is it. Why are you so concerned about it. If thats what they want to do than that's what they do.

It IS like pressing pause
Pressing pause on the pressure
Not on fertility

As I said upthread more chance of fertility treatment working. I know it's male factor, she is still going through IVF though isn't she ?

We went out much more after having the baby than before due to the horrible shift system.

The great thing about the NHS is the materniity leave is generous and part time working guaranteed afterwards, so you are only ever away for 2 nights at a time.

Having got it out of my system is really in relation to playing the field, having lots of sex with different men, which one poster describes as what she was enjoying in her 20's.

I would have liked to travel more, but hopefully that is something we can do once the millstone that is the children and mortage is lifted, when I am around 55.(DC will be 28 &25) Although it won't be the same as doing it age 26, I will have a bit more money.

This thread has been interesting I had always assumed that most people knew they wanted DCs,( or not) the only question was when. Of course if you think you don't want children your whole approach to life will be different. I wonder how common that is ? I have only ever heard one person say it before IRL ( that they only decided they wanted DCs in their 30's). I suppose I was aware not everyone wanted DCs as much as I did, but very much had the attitude " one day".

I

I'm with you, OP. I recently encouraged a woman with baby hopes who was 39, to go for pregnancy NOW and not wait a year or two. (She was dithering about wedding plans; I was like, just pop down the reg. office in between babymaking sessions, get the paperwork done, do the wedding bit in a couple of years AFTER you've had the baby). Lovely woman who will (I hope) be a lovely mother, but for her sake I really did feel a bit exasperated that she was considering waiting any longer, given that she was serious about becoming a mother and genuinely hoping for a child.

A friend who was there at the same gathering got pregnant accidentally at 44. The thing is, though, bell curves exist. For every woman like my friend, there's another one who finds out she has no viable eggs left at 35.

No.

Egg freezing has a low success rate. This is well documented.

It is not just pressing pause on fertility.

I think they haven’t considered the other side of it - eggs are only one factor. We didn’t start trying until I was 36, and I thought that was still plenty of time. 3 perfect babies miscarried before I found out I had a clotting issue. Thankfully it worked out for me in the end. I think they screen for clotting issues as part of IVF but I have had further miscarriages even with treatment - if I had only a finite amount of eggs then I would be really worried.

Not you, I’m asking the OP.

Why would I ask you, who are you ?😂

Fair enough.

Neurodiversitydoctor, it's fine to share your own perspective but you're coming across as incredibly rude, smug and annoying on this thread. Give it a rest.

No I’m not particularly religious fwiw. I believe in god but I don’t attend church etc and certainly won’t be getting into heaven 😂

I don’t believe that all women belong at home popping our kids from the age of 20 whilst dad goes out to work. (But I do believe there are benefits to having a parent in the home for a majority of the time, again another thread for another time, I personally am going back to work part time when my baby is 6 months - we are fortunate enough that my partner can have them some days and young enough that GPS can and want to on others)

But I do believe the idea of being able to press pause or extend your fertile years is being sold to those who know they want children and are even in a position to have them. If you’re not ready/single by all means freeze away (but I’d hope with a good deal of information first), or if you don’t want kids don’t have them!

This thread is depressing.
It’s one thing to question are clinics clear enough about the realities of egg freezing and another thing to suggest anyone who does it is totally dim. Never mind the comments claiming it’s almost impossible to have a baby the second you turn 30 🤦‍♀️

Good for got OP, you wanted a baby, had a partner and had a child at 24. Here is the pat on the back you seem to be after.

Personally I couldn’t think of anything worse than my having a child at 24. It was a totally different point in my life. My partner was still finishing qualifying due to a long professional requirement, I was still finding my feet professionally. I was enjoying multiple holidays a year with friends, having no responsibilities and generally living my life and enjoying the freedom post uni.

I had my first at 31, which I still don’t think is old but I would not have wanted it any earlier. No regrets waiting until post 30.

Fertility doesn’t fall off a cliff at 30
I wish we could have honest discussions about fertility without this dramatisation.

This. And often people don’t consider the other side or even do their research until the idea of having kids is imminent and sometimes (not always) it’s too late or much harder than they assumed. I’m glad it all worked out in the end for you of course!

I agree I don’t think the realities of egg freezing etc are clear. That’s my main point here. The general idea that it can pause time is lulling many into a false sense of security before doing their due diligence.

Im not 24. I’m 29.

If you don’t/didn’t want kids at 24 no one is forcing you.

At no point have I said fertility drops off a cliff at 30 (others on the thread have thrown this number around). I don’t think 31 is ‘old’ to have your first. I am more suggesting that waiting until your late thirties 37/8+ thinking that if you froze your eggs at 30 is a guarantee is naive and it doesn’t quite work like that.

@DespairingALittle

I can’t fathom why - if there is no jealousy and they have been as sisters to you - you are being so judgemental and perceive yourself to have superior intelligence on the matter of having a family, just because you’re the first to pop one out.

I think you are very much generalising and unfortunately today, many would have to develop their careers quite a bit simply to afford having childcare otherwise they would be severely limiting choices post children.

Working on your career for a good solid 20 years after kids is only possible if you are able to cope with childcare when they are young (and even when they're at school that would mean wraparound care).

It's just not as cut and dried as having them early means you get to have it all.

Also @DespairingALittle if they are such close friends why are you unable to have a conversation and raise your concerns with them directly….

Rather than discuss their personal lives on the internet.

Only answering questions.

It may come across as judgement, more that it’s a shame that due to various narratives and not much fertility education which has been discussed upthread ( so not their own fault at all) they are under the impression that despite being sure they want kids and being with their long term partners/husbands that they believe they have the ability to press pause which could (possibly) lead to disappointment or a struggle down the line.

I don’t tell them what they should and should do or even share my general opinion (you can lead a horse to water etc so I don’t!) and ultimately it’s their choice. If you can see someone you care about possibly making choices that could hurt them later you’d have some thoughts about it too. But you’d also hope that it works out for them regardless of their choices which is where I’m at.

We are now conditioned to not be surprised by someone having her first baby in her 40s.

But then I don 't think this is a great idea TBH. I was 39 when I had my last DC. They are now a teen, and I am nearly mid 50's. I was I was one of the oldest mums at the school.