Holiday and friends

[TroubleIn9aradise]

Long story short, this time last year we booked to go away for our wedding anniversary this summer

Today (8 weeks before the trip and completely out of the blue) friends ask would we mind some company.

I'm busy at work so text back saying it's a special trip, it's our wedding anniversary trip but we'll catch up later

By the time we get home from work they have booked to come to the same place, same dates.

They have said "let us know if you want some time to yourselves" but how do we deal with the fact this just isn't what we had in mind for our holiday without ruining a friendship but also without ruining the holiday.

It's too late for either of us to change the booking as balance paid in full and too close to make changes to booking

YABU - just suck it up and have fun with your friends

YANBU - yeah that sucks, I'd not be impressed in your position

Nope, they've definitely booked

Haha, not, "just" my wedding anniversary!

OP just do your own thing while you are there. You planned a lovely relaxing week. Still do that. Chill at the pool on your lounger with your book and don't feel the need to engage with them (or anyone). Don't make any plans with them just say that you want a relaxing week. Go and eat when it suits you don't make plans to meet. God Im very jealous tbh it sounds bliss

In all honesty you are going to have to suck this one up. I suggest the technique I use with my parents on holiday - I arrange to meet them at 5pm for the pre dinner quiz (mum loves quizzes) but say I'm not sure of our movements until then, perhaps we'll bump into you. I also only agree to holiday with them on ocean going cruise ships with mobile phone coverage! (Tip for another person). Hang out with them for a couple of days and rest meet for drinks before dinner

Can you clarify what you mean when you say "you are going to have to suck this one up."? Genuine question, just not sure what exactly you mean by it

We will undoubtedly bump into them and I'm not against having dinner or drinks a few times with them, but I don't think they understand that this isn't a couples holiday. It's our holiday which they have also booked onto, and as such the "default" position isn't that we'll all be hanging out together unless we "tell them we need some space"

I would pay to change venue/country. Beg steal or borrow it. Unless they cancel you are going to be hiding behind palm trees and jumping whenever you hear their voice. Nope I could not cope with that given I would want to fling them into a sea that's full of sharks from the off aswell.

First thing to do is check if you can change the holiday. You probably booked through a travel agent, so get them to sort it out. They will, but you may have to pay extra. Better than 1. going, or 2. cancelling and losing all the payments.

I don't think I'd bother contacting them until I got a change of holiday. Then I'd say I got a better offer and took it or whatever blatant lie you want to come up with.

Sorry OP, I would not go to that resort, so try and change it.

Oh God this happened to me!

Good friends sent a text ‘when did you say your flights were booked for x place?’
Then ‘Surprise! We’ve booked ours too!’
I love them dearly but was absolutely gutted, my personal time and space with dh or our family of 4 is really precious to me. As it turned out covid hit, and everything was cancelled.

Now I am very vague about my plans at all times.

If it had gone ahead, I would have had to go along with the thought that it is a free country and people can book where they like. I would have had to have accepted it I guess.

I do see your point about your friends being oblivious. My dh hears about people going on trips etc and says ‘ooh we’ll have to come!’ I have tried to explain that it’s rude, he really doesn’t get it! It’s bloody annoying and people should have more self awareness, but definitely not malicious.

I hope it works out for you. My only suggestion is to say ‘it’s nice you’re having a holiday too, we’re looking forward to spending a bit of quiet time together as a couple but will definitely let you know a good time to have dinner together one night’

I would genuinely contact the hotel and ask if they have any sister establishments. Many hotels come under the umbrella of larger companies, and will swap you within them. If you tell them the story, I imagine anyone with half a heart will sympathise and want to help you out!

Does it have enough pools that you can go to different ones without seeing them during the day, does it have its own beach and multiple restaurants? Id be raging.

I agree, this puts a very different slant on it.

I - and I suspect most respondents - had assumed this was a couple of local friends, from home, jumping on to somewhere you had booked to go away.

Now you've said that you met each other, on holiday, in that hotel, then they are as entitled to go back just as you are. They don't live near you, you don't see them in person very often, and you were trying to arrange to see them, and they were presumably also looking to go on holiday. So, with all that drip feed, it does seem a logical thing to do. From their thinking - as you met there - you are clearly people who are happy to mingle with others on holiday, and you said it has been difficult getting chance to meet up, so it solves everything.
No, it's not what you have in mind, but it isn't as weird as I think everyone inferred from your first posts.

this added information has completely changed my view as to the weirdness, or (now) not weirdness of your friends booking it.

God this sounds like my worst nightmare, can't get over anyone actually doing this.
How bizarre to invite yourself to someone else's holiday!
Advice wise - never ever tell them dates or locations for holidays ever again unless they are actually invited.

I would reply back with a

🤣 it will have to be the opposite, we'll let you know when we're free to meet up every now and then. It's our annual wedding anniversary trip so we'll be "busy" being a loved up couple.

I don’t think it’s weird the friends booking the same holiday. After all, as OP has said, they all met there and have holidayed there together previously.

What is weird is them booking knowing it’s OP’s anniversary break… but also I think some people just aren’t very tuned in to what is appropriate and what is not.

I would be very very cheesed off about this. It’s going to be very awkward. You can’t really ignore them as they are friends but I would be so angry. I actually think I would try and get moved, I just wouldn’t enjoy the holiday now.

Apologies but it wasn't intentionally drip feeding - I'd written a big long post with all the details then thought it was too long for anyone to read, plus it seemed entirely obvious it was me/us and I was worried they'd immediately recognise the situation if they are on here

On balance yes we have been there before but not like this

We've all been to the hotel before, before we knew each other, several times

We have arranged to both go there at the same time once which was several years ago (before covid)

None of us have ever travelled to this hotel outside of winter season before

In fact we holiday this time of year every year and they have never holidayed this time of year the usually holiday with kids/grandkids and they would be at school

either way I had a good talk with DH tonight and he is on board and understands my concerns. I am going to message my friend tomorrow to explain our views/want for privacy and hopefully that will be understood/sort things out

I'm also not for a minute suggesting they aren't entitled to travel to the hotel, of course they are! I just wish they hadn't gone ahead and booked the same dates as us without having a proper conversation about it, as the sole reason they have booked this holiday is to meet up with us

Hope your messages to friend today get things sorted OP. Be honest and get it hashed out before you travel rather than seething with resentment while you are there and without friend getting the hump because you are avoiding them. Perhaps arrange a couple of lunches as a compromise but outside of that say you would like couple time as that is what you had planned for, and if you had had the opportunity to speak about the situation beforehand you would have advised friend not to book as you won't be available. At any other time you'd have been open to a group holiday, but this was a special trip for an anniversary.
If she's any kind of friend she will get it. Good luck!,

How did it go @TroubleIn9aradise ? I'd have been inclined to open with 'ah that's awkward, as I said to your DH, it's an anniversary trip for us and we'd obviously planned some time alone.'

Ok so we are all sorted and I feel a little silly that I was worried about what has turned out to be nothing.

Basically messaged my friend with my concerns, and how I wasn't sure how to broach (sp?) it and not be rude but get across my feelings.

They felt terrible and started looking at other hotels, but we then caught up by phone (for hours!) and cleared up what we'd all read into messages, what we meant by them, their reason for booking and also the fact they plan to do all sorts alone when there just thought it would be nice to see us too.

Really cleared the air and feeling good now

Thank you everyone for all your advice, whether agreeing with me or helping me to see it from a different angle

It's been a stressful few days but slept much better last night and looking forward to travelling again now 😊

This! I can’t believe she went ahead and booked despite you telling her. Creepy.

Great result OP 👌

but we then caught up by phone (for hours!) and cleared up what we'd all read into messages, what we meant by them...

This is why I say over and over, that phone calls or face to face conversations are infinitely better than messaging for a lot of things. I message a fair bit myself, but I'm only too aware how easy it is to misread tone and meaning into messages when you don't have facial expression and tone of voice to go on.

I swear that these days 90% of misunderstandings and fallings out are due to WhatsApp and messenger, and would never have happened had a face to face conversation been had.

So what had been misunderstood?

Couldn't agree more, however the initial contact by them was by message and I was at work so couldn't call to discuss, but planned to catch up (by phone) that evening by which point it was booked

I sent a message when I did to generally raise that we needed to talk about it, and a bit of a heads up of what concerned me with time to phrase it well and try to remove the emotions, followed with a call

@ThatFraggle

My initial response regarding it being our anniversary - I thought it was clear that it was an anniversary therefore we wouldn't like company, they took it at face value as a statement as I didn't specifically say "no don't come"

Then when they messaged about looking forward to spending time with us/seeing us for X days, I worried they thought we'd spend the whole trip together whereas they already had plans to do all sorts by themselves/out of the hotel which they hadn't mentioned

Oh please. Her partner booked them both a holiday without consulting her first? I'm calling bullshit on this.