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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday and friends

125 replies

TroubleIn9aradise · 22/05/2023 22:44

Long story short, this time last year we booked to go away for our wedding anniversary this summer

Today (8 weeks before the trip and completely out of the blue) friends ask would we mind some company.

I'm busy at work so text back saying it's a special trip, it's our wedding anniversary trip but we'll catch up later

By the time we get home from work they have booked to come to the same place, same dates.

They have said "let us know if you want some time to yourselves" but how do we deal with the fact this just isn't what we had in mind for our holiday without ruining a friendship but also without ruining the holiday.

It's too late for either of us to change the booking as balance paid in full and too close to make changes to booking

YABU - just suck it up and have fun with your friends

YANBU - yeah that sucks, I'd not be impressed in your position

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 23/05/2023 08:36

Morechocmorechoc · 23/05/2023 07:59

You have to reply ASAP, longer you leave it worse it is. I'd reply this morning saying, sorry if I wasn't clear but as you know we celebrate our anniversary as a couple each year. We will be having the holiday to ourselves as a couple as this time is important to us, it isn't a shared holiday I'm afraid.

This. You need to text and be honest or it's going to put a dampener on your holiday. I find it really strange they've just booked it without actually talking to you, you said it was for your anniversary, that should have given your friends a clue that you would want alone time.

SpinningCloudNiteClub · 23/05/2023 08:38

TroubleIn9aradise · 23/05/2023 07:42

I think this sums up how I'm feeling perfectly, the "default" should be that we are spending time alone as that was the original plan rather that the onus being on us to "ask" for some time alone

Show quote history

So tell them that you booked this trip for exactly that reason, alone time.

MarkWithaC · 23/05/2023 08:44

Are you good friends with the partner who actually booked as well, or is he more 'your friend's partner', if you see what I mean? I ask as you say your friend didn't know about it until he'd booked, so it sounds like he did it behind her back, which is weird.

Posters saying you weren't clear enough in your reply are being idiotic; who on earth would actually go to the effort and expense of booking a holiday without totally clear communication on both sides about how it's going to work?

If it's a hotel and all-inc then I can see how it'd be hard to avoid them and might be tense. I don't think there's a solution to that unless they don't go, which seems unlikely.

WimpoleHat · 23/05/2023 08:54

Yes we met at this hotel some years ago and have been back together (once) but we both go semi regularly on our own as family's or couples (always in the winter)

This does put a different slant on it - my reading of your first post was “WTF! Who does that?”. Now it appears that you’re going to your regular place, they also wanted to go to their regular place and were just being polite and checking that wasn’t an enormous problem for you (assuming it wouldn’t be as you’ve been together before). When you didn’t reply “Noooo”, they took that as a green light. I can see how that’s irritating for you, but it’s not quite the same as “we booked a once in a lifetime trip for our silver wedding and Bob and Mary (with whom we’ve never holidayed before) have deliberately gate crashed out of nowhere.”

CaloundraBlues · 23/05/2023 09:11

WimpoleHat · 23/05/2023 08:54

Yes we met at this hotel some years ago and have been back together (once) but we both go semi regularly on our own as family's or couples (always in the winter)

This does put a different slant on it - my reading of your first post was “WTF! Who does that?”. Now it appears that you’re going to your regular place, they also wanted to go to their regular place and were just being polite and checking that wasn’t an enormous problem for you (assuming it wouldn’t be as you’ve been together before). When you didn’t reply “Noooo”, they took that as a green light. I can see how that’s irritating for you, but it’s not quite the same as “we booked a once in a lifetime trip for our silver wedding and Bob and Mary (with whom we’ve never holidayed before) have deliberately gate crashed out of nowhere.”

Yeah but the other couple have never been there in the Summer, it's been Winter only

ISeeMisledPeople · 23/05/2023 09:17

I would want to make my point, but I'm a total wimp when it comes to confrontation so I would probably say something like 'It will be lovely to see you. Let us know if there's any night in particular that suits you best for us to get together for dinner, or would you prefer to meet up for lunch instead?'

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/05/2023 09:35

I think suck it up and enjoy it and try for one or two nights away somewhere special a little later in the year... (Just to make the best of it).

standardduck · 23/05/2023 09:45

That's so rude, I would be annoyed.

I would tell them the truth - you want to spend time alone as it's your anniversary trip (as you already mentioned in your text), but perhaps you can meet for a drink one night. I would then leave it at that.

I wouldn't over-explain.

OnMyWayToSenility · 23/05/2023 10:20

How did she or he know you were planning this holiday? In order to then text you and roughshod over your holiday?
Who does that.. chat later I'm busy. And then oh we booked too! How did they know the exact dates?

There's more to this than your friend is saying! I'd be really suspicious!

LookItsMeAgain · 23/05/2023 10:25

OliveWah · 22/05/2023 23:11

I think I'd text back "I assume you're joking - no one would seriously just invite themselves to join a romantic holiday for 2?! On the off chance you actually are serious (in which case what the actual fuck?), are you trying to ruin this for us?"

This would be along the lines of what I would be sending them.

Obviously their friends (the company they speak of) had already made their booking by the time they thought to mention it to you. I think it was a done deal before they contacted you.

MsWhitworth · 23/05/2023 10:35

Honestly, I would just look at this holiday now as a trip to a place you like with good friends, with maybe a romantic dinner for just the two of you on one night. There’s plenty of anniversaries ahead of (and behind) you and any attempt to avoid them when you’re there is just going to ruin what sounds like a good friendship up until now. And ruin the holiday. Is it worth that, just to make a point? You said yourself that it’s not malicious, just clueless, and that your initial reply to her wasn’t very clear. I wouldn’t let this affect things, think long-term instead.

ISeeMisledPeople · 23/05/2023 10:38

MsWhitworth · 23/05/2023 10:35

Honestly, I would just look at this holiday now as a trip to a place you like with good friends, with maybe a romantic dinner for just the two of you on one night. There’s plenty of anniversaries ahead of (and behind) you and any attempt to avoid them when you’re there is just going to ruin what sounds like a good friendship up until now. And ruin the holiday. Is it worth that, just to make a point? You said yourself that it’s not malicious, just clueless, and that your initial reply to her wasn’t very clear. I wouldn’t let this affect things, think long-term instead.

You think this is just about 'making a point'?

Really?

Would you think the same if someone invited themselves to your honeymoon? Because once that one is done, a holiday to celebrate an anniversary is really the next closest thing.

BeginningToLookALotLike · 23/05/2023 10:39

Maybe check that they haven't also booked activities for the four of you to do as well!

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 23/05/2023 10:42

Surely this.
Actually friend we want the entire holiday just us!! ... Maybe we can catch up at work and swap photos?
Have a great trip.
Op.

MsWhitworth · 23/05/2023 10:45

ISeeMisledPeople · 23/05/2023 10:38

You think this is just about 'making a point'?

Really?

Would you think the same if someone invited themselves to your honeymoon? Because once that one is done, a holiday to celebrate an anniversary is really the next closest thing.

Show quote history

The OP said they go abroad for their anniversary every year so this is hardly a once in a lifetime trip.

They’re very good friends who made a blunder and I personally would forgive it as a one-off as oppose to ruining both the friendship and the holiday by trying to undo something that can’t be undone.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/05/2023 10:48

I've read all the posts and I'd go with sending the friend a message like this:

"Hi Friend, I'm very disappointed that you've booked your trip to X resort at the same time DH & I will be there. When we spoke yesterday, I did say that we would talk about it later, and I didn't expect to come home after work to find that you and your DH have booked to be at the resort at the same time as DH and I.
We will be expecting our privacy and have no intention of meeting up while on our Anniversary holiday. I know you won't be offended as your booking was last minute"

Cut to the chase on this one. I don't think they realise just how presumptuous they have been!

WimpoleHat · 23/05/2023 12:23

Would you think the same if someone invited themselves to your honeymoon? Because once that one is done, a holiday to celebrate an anniversary is really the next closest thing.

A big, significant anniversary is the next closest thing. So - “we’ve booked a cruise for our silver wedding” would, I agree, be something akin to a honeymoon. But people’s approaches to “workaday” anniversaries vary. And, at least in my experience, aren’t a big deal after the first one. (I can accept they are for the OP, but they really aren’t for everyone.) So the OP’s friend, booking a trip to “their” regular place, where they’ve previously been with OP doesn’t interpret her “it’s our anniversary” text as anything particularly significant other than thinking they might want a dinner a deux that evening. It’s just a misunderstanding. The question for OP (who is understandably annoyed) is how far she wants to risk a friendship over it. I’d be tempted to reply along the lines a pp suggested “As it’s our anniversary trip, you’ll forgive us if we’re not very sociable, but it’d be lovely to have dinner one evening/an excursion to xx together (or whatever)”. And leave it at that. I’m sure the other couple will get the message and realise they’ve misinterpreted and then naturally keep their distance.

ISeeMisledPeople · 23/05/2023 13:28

@WimpoleHat I agree with a lot of that. I just still don't see that op is just trying to 'make a point'.

Original poster
TroubleIn9aradise · 23/05/2023 17:44

Thanks all for your input whilst I've been working (and stressing over what to say) I am definitely not trying to "make a point", in fact it's quite the opposite, I really don't want to unnecessarily upset our friends but I do feel I need to let them know how I feel as this is really bothering me that our plans have been changed and at a time we can't change things (not that I feel we should have to) I'll try to answer the "outstanding questions" below....

@MarkWithaC we all met at the same time so both me and DH are friends with the two of them, though us girls probably speak more to each other 121 and the boys likewise but we have a group chat for the 4 of us and regularly video call to catch up all 4 of us (started during lockdown)

@WimpoleHat , not sure what "workaday" anniversary means but as @CaloundraBlues said, we've all holidayed here many times individually so I'm certainly not claiming it as "ours" BUT we always go in the winter, this is the first time we've been in the summer, plus they already went out earlier this year so it's an additional trip, not just a coincidence of our summer holidays coinciding

I appreciate that anniversaries aren't a big deal to everyone, and certainly not to other people, but for us it's the one thing we celebrate, alone, each year.

@MsWhitworth you're quite right, it's not a once in a lifetime trip, but it is a trip we planned and booked many months ago to spend a fortnight together just the two of us. With our working patterns a holiday is the only time we get to spend a lot of time together without mundane daily chores to fit in and so why we choose to celebrate it this way
It wasn't "my" friend who text me when I was working, it was the bloke of the couple, so her OH.
I'm not trying to make a point, but this IS affecting things as one way or another it's changing our holiday. I certainly don't want to ruin our friendship or the holiday but I also can't act like this is the best news ever and like this was what I hoped for all along

@YetAnotherSpartacus as I mentioned earlier on we are moving house this year and so can't afford another trip. The very reason we arranged to go when we did, so we celebrate our anniversary AND go to the place we can't travel to this winter

@OnMyWayToSenility they knew about the dates as we told them when we booked, we've been talking about looking forward to going and also trying to arrange for them to visit us at some point over the summer before we move house (as they have v young children we've visited them but it's harder for them to arrange childcare with NRP to come see us for the weekend)

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 23/05/2023 17:59

I appreciate that anniversaries aren't a big deal to everyone, and certainly not to other people, but for us it's the one thing we celebrate, alone, each year.

That’s fair enough - a nice tradition for you and certainly no implied from me! I think my point was that, barring a milestone anniversary (eg “it’s our silver wedding”), a lot of people wouldn’t necessarily immediately think that it was a big deal or would matter that much to you. I’m just suggesting that it’s probably just a miscommunication rather than a blatant attempt to tread on your toes/invade your privacy. I can understand why you’re cross about it if it’s “your thing” and you feel that this spoils it - I just think it’s a case of your friend getting the wrong end of the stick.

MinnieGirl · 23/05/2023 18:03

How odd that they would think to do such a thing!
I would message something along the lines of…

Bit gobsmacked that you’ve actually booked the same time as us… it’s our anniversary break for goodness sake! What were you thinking?! This is a romantic break just the two of us and we really didn’t want company….

I can’t really believe that anyone could be so insensitive….

Charley50 · 23/05/2023 18:11

This is so weird that if you hadn't first met them in the winter, I might have thought that they thought you meant all 4 of yours anniversary as friends!

LindorDoubleChoc · 23/05/2023 18:18

How completely and utterly bizarre.

redpickle · 23/05/2023 18:25

I think, even if you take the anniversary out of the equation, it's still bloody weird to hijack someone else's holiday without discussion. Are you sure they're not winding you up?

Original poster
TroubleIn9aradise · 23/05/2023 18:28

WimpoleHat · 23/05/2023 17:59

I appreciate that anniversaries aren't a big deal to everyone, and certainly not to other people, but for us it's the one thing we celebrate, alone, each year.

That’s fair enough - a nice tradition for you and certainly no implied from me! I think my point was that, barring a milestone anniversary (eg “it’s our silver wedding”), a lot of people wouldn’t necessarily immediately think that it was a big deal or would matter that much to you. I’m just suggesting that it’s probably just a miscommunication rather than a blatant attempt to tread on your toes/invade your privacy. I can understand why you’re cross about it if it’s “your thing” and you feel that this spoils it - I just think it’s a case of your friend getting the wrong end of the stick.

Oh yes totally agree it's a miscommunication, I know 100% it's been done with the best of intentions

OP posts: