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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday and friends

125 replies

TroubleIn9aradise · 22/05/2023 22:44

Long story short, this time last year we booked to go away for our wedding anniversary this summer

Today (8 weeks before the trip and completely out of the blue) friends ask would we mind some company.

I'm busy at work so text back saying it's a special trip, it's our wedding anniversary trip but we'll catch up later

By the time we get home from work they have booked to come to the same place, same dates.

They have said "let us know if you want some time to yourselves" but how do we deal with the fact this just isn't what we had in mind for our holiday without ruining a friendship but also without ruining the holiday.

It's too late for either of us to change the booking as balance paid in full and too close to make changes to booking

YABU - just suck it up and have fun with your friends

YANBU - yeah that sucks, I'd not be impressed in your position

OP posts:
RightWhereYouLeftMe · 23/05/2023 07:30

They’ve given you an out by saying ‘let us know if you want time to yourselves’

That's sort of the wrong way round though, as it assumes the default will be spending the whole time as a group. They should have said "let us know if you want to meet up/have dinner etc"

Original poster
TroubleIn9aradise · 23/05/2023 07:31

WonderingWanda · 23/05/2023 07:23

It is quite odd and rude of them to have just booked it but at the same time if they had an amazing time with you both on the last trip they obviously think it's going to be great this time. Did you enjoy it when you all went before?

Is it your first anniversary? There will always be other anniversaries and you can still have a lovely time. Seeing as you are all going and there's no time to rebook anything I wouldn't make a big deal of it now. If you all have a falling out it will sour the holiday experience for you. I think that you could do lots of ordering breakfast in bed, often hotels like this do a romantic meal on the beach type experience you can pay for. It won't be what tyou hoped for but the lesson to learn here is not to tell your friend all the details of your trips.

It's not our first anniversary, no, we've been married years! But we always travel abroad somewhere just the two of us to celebrate each year

Yes we do have fun together, and did when we went away together before, it's just going to be a totally different type of holiday with them there to what we planned and I'm torn between the sensible part of my brain saying "neither of us can change it now so make the most of it and have fun together" Vs the emotional part saying "FFS this is our one chance to go away together this year and they've spoiled that for us, why even bother asking if they're going to go ahead and book anyway"

OP posts:
StopMindlesslyScrolling · 23/05/2023 07:34

"we met them there one holiday"

So are you saying that's where the friendship began? I.e. you met them at that resort, became friends and that it's a resort that both couples regularly return to for holidays and once before you organised it so your trips coincided?

As if so, that puts a different slant on it.

If they've gone to Hotel X, year in, year out and this year their booking happens to coincide with when you're going, that's very different to say School friends finding out the name and location of the hotel you're staying at and flying out on those exact dates to that exact hotel.

LactoseTheIntolerant · 23/05/2023 07:37

Yanbu to be annoyed about this. This would piss me off so much. It completely changes the dynamic of a holiday when youre with other people, and that's fine if its what you want but when your planning on spending a chilled one together you don't want some interloper on the next sunbed talking at you whilst your trying to read your book!
Also what a cheek to tell you to let them know when you want some quiet time, why should you have to let them know anything when your away on a couples holiday, talk about making your special holiday all about them!

Cakeandcardio · 23/05/2023 07:40

So they asked if they could come on your special holiday. You did say no. They ignored you and booked it anyway and YOU feel awkward?! I understand the type of set up will mean it will be hard to avoid them. Could you message something back like: as it's our special trip, we won't have any time to meet up sorry.
If you feel like you can, could you say: is there the option for you to change your dates? We unfortunately can't.
They should get the message. And don't feel guilty. They didn't feel guilty about gatecrashing your holiday. And honestly once you are there, just avoid them. Even message to say, sorry it's not personal but we just want some alone time.

Teeheehee1579 · 23/05/2023 07:40

I would contact the hotel, explain this whole situation and see if they will move you by a week. The only other alternative on an AI resort like this is to suck it up and spend the week with them. Which will make you extremely resentful but really those are your only two options. You won’t be able to just avoid them.

Original poster
TroubleIn9aradise · 23/05/2023 07:42

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 23/05/2023 07:30

They’ve given you an out by saying ‘let us know if you want time to yourselves’

That's sort of the wrong way round though, as it assumes the default will be spending the whole time as a group. They should have said "let us know if you want to meet up/have dinner etc"

I think this sums up how I'm feeling perfectly, the "default" should be that we are spending time alone as that was the original plan rather that the onus being on us to "ask" for some time alone

OP posts:
Snoken · 23/05/2023 07:42

I agree with @StopMindlesslyScrolling . Your update clears it up a bit and makes them seem less unreasonable. If I have got this right you both frequently go to this hotel, you got to know each other there, you then did a trip together there and since you have both been back. You were both going to go again this year and they asked when you were going, they asked if it was a special occasion, you said yes. Because this isn't a trip that is out of the ordinary for either of you, they probably didn't see it as anything more than you might want to have dinner just the two of you on your actual anniversary but the other days would be like normal when you are both there.

Snoken · 23/05/2023 07:44

@Cakeandcardio the OP didn't say no though, she said "it WAS a special trip as it's our wedding anniversary and we'd call them later (to discuss)". That could be read as they think it's a good idea, lets discuss our joint plans later.

Original poster
TroubleIn9aradise · 23/05/2023 07:48

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 23/05/2023 07:34

"we met them there one holiday"

So are you saying that's where the friendship began? I.e. you met them at that resort, became friends and that it's a resort that both couples regularly return to for holidays and once before you organised it so your trips coincided?

As if so, that puts a different slant on it.

If they've gone to Hotel X, year in, year out and this year their booking happens to coincide with when you're going, that's very different to say School friends finding out the name and location of the hotel you're staying at and flying out on those exact dates to that exact hotel.

Yes we met at this hotel some years ago and have been back together (once) but we both go semi regularly on our own as family's or couples (always in the winter)

But they didn't "happen to book at the same time as us", they don't usually holiday in the summer, so they have booked this trip hotel and dates because we are there (at a different time of year to usual)

OP posts:
Original poster
TroubleIn9aradise · 23/05/2023 07:51

Snoken · 23/05/2023 07:44

@Cakeandcardio the OP didn't say no though, she said "it WAS a special trip as it's our wedding anniversary and we'd call them later (to discuss)". That could be read as they think it's a good idea, lets discuss our joint plans later.

Yep I accept that maybe wasn't clear, like I say this was a message in the middle of a busy working day

Either way, by the evening they'd already booked

OP posts:
Alittlebitofthis · 23/05/2023 07:53

Daffodil92 · 22/05/2023 22:52

I would have an honest chat with your friend. She has totally overstepped boundaries here. Tell her you’re really disappointed-you love spending time with her but wanted some alone time celebrating your anniversary. Make it clear you won’t be “asking” for time alone- the whole trip will be time alone.

I agree with this!

sarrat · 23/05/2023 07:53

Have you responded, OP?

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 23/05/2023 07:55

They don’t care about your feelings, why worry about theirs?

’Hi friend, we need to be upfront about this & say we wish you’d waited till we spoke (as I said in my text) as we won’t be around to spend time with on this holiday. It’s very much going to be a romantic break for the pair of us and we’re upset you’ve booked with the assumption we want to spend time with others. This isn’t personal to you - we’d feel the same about anyone else assuming this and booking without checking with us first. We’ll be spending our time as we originally planned and won’t be available to meet up. All the best…. ‘

PrincessHoneysuckle · 23/05/2023 07:56

We had similar.Booked to go to Caribbean me,dh and ds.Next thing friends booked same resort on same dates.
We changed the holiday as yes we can't control what holidays others book but knew that we'd see them all the time and it would have changed the dynamic of our holiday.

Codlingmoths · 23/05/2023 07:56

Maybe she feels a bit uncomfortable about it and her message was offering an out. How about ‘hey x i guess <your bf> didn’t get the part about our wedding anniversary but we always go away alone for it. Happy to meet up for a couple of the days but really this is our solo anniversary trip which is only for me and people married to me- I don’t know quite how to tell <your bf/Dh> that without sounding rude but I’m a bit upset he just went and booked.

WonderingWanda · 23/05/2023 07:58

@TroubleIn9aradise yes, I totally get how you must be feeling. They must be a bit tone deaf to have thought this was ok. How about sending a message something like this.

"Oh, that's a surprise, we'll be bumping into each other over breakfast!! Dh and I will let you know if we fancy meeting up but as I said this is a romantic get-away and a chance for us to reconnect, I know you won't be offended if we do our own thing as you've tagged along last minute"

Or maybe not the last line, it's a bit PA.

twotruthsandalie · 23/05/2023 07:58

This happened with two friends I know socially recently.

Friend B seems to absolutely adore Friend B. Friend B does a job that involves classes and Friend A comes to every single one of her classes and kind of follows her around at work.

I've thought before that if I was Friend A that would really annoy me.

Anyway, Friend A went on a once in s lifetime anniversary trip and halfway through Friend B popped up in all the photos on Instagram! She'd kind of followed her out there I guess.

Friend A has told me she was going on this once in a lifetime family trip but hadn't mentioned Friend B.

I've often wondered if Friend A was miffed but feel like it would be rude to ask.

In summary I think it's weird and rude of your friends!

Morechocmorechoc · 23/05/2023 07:59

You have to reply ASAP, longer you leave it worse it is. I'd reply this morning saying, sorry if I wasn't clear but as you know we celebrate our anniversary as a couple each year. We will be having the holiday to ourselves as a couple as this time is important to us, it isn't a shared holiday I'm afraid.

Original poster
TroubleIn9aradise · 23/05/2023 08:06

Thanks all, the additional difficulty is that my DH is also (very) annoyed that they are coming but he is more logical/practical and of the mindset "there's nothing we can do now so let's try to make the best of it" as both trips are non refundable, (and although misjudged, they not booked maliciously, as a pp said, we've had a great time together in the past, just this wasn't the plan this year) whereas I'm trying to make the best of it in my head but still seething that they went ahead and booked (as @RoseGoldEagle said its definitely the oblivious to social norms rather than CF)

I definitely need to say something, will talk to DH at lunchtime and then send them something combining lots of great advice from this thread

Thank you all for replying, I feel bad/doubt myself as they are good friends and I know they've done it with the best intentions.... They just massively misjudged the situation and I know that neither holiday is amendable

OP posts:
Original poster
TroubleIn9aradise · 23/05/2023 08:07

WonderingWanda · 23/05/2023 07:58

@TroubleIn9aradise yes, I totally get how you must be feeling. They must be a bit tone deaf to have thought this was ok. How about sending a message something like this.

"Oh, that's a surprise, we'll be bumping into each other over breakfast!! Dh and I will let you know if we fancy meeting up but as I said this is a romantic get-away and a chance for us to reconnect, I know you won't be offended if we do our own thing as you've tagged along last minute"

Or maybe not the last line, it's a bit PA.

I do like the last line though 😈

OP posts:
jenny38 · 23/05/2023 08:07

Ouch, how tricky. However as you would have been happy to overlap days and presumably enjoy going away with them at other times, I would try to make the best of it. Maybe agree not to have your days together, book a meal out one night, and say you want your anniversary day and evening alone as planned. It’s not the trip you planned, but if you can’t change dates best start thinking of how you can make the best of it.

saraclara · 23/05/2023 08:14

as I said this is a romantic get-away and a chance for us to reconnect

That's a really good line to include in your message. If they seek you out after that, they have no clue.

Peashootpetra · 23/05/2023 08:30

I wouldn’t be worried about offending them, they’ve offended you first by being so weird! Who does that? Really? I’d be annoyed, it really will change the dynamic to have them piggybacking off your romantic trip, despite seeing them there previously. They’re the ones who have soured the friendship, not you.

FlamingoQueen · 23/05/2023 08:31

I would say that it would be lovely to meet them for an evening meal one night (if you’re going for more than one night), but as they know it’s a special getaway and you’re both really looking forward to spending some quality time with each other and to enjoy the peace and quiet.
Ask them what their plans are for when they’re over there - hopefully they may realise that they need to amuse themselves.