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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off by this two-faced mum?

95 replies

zutalors1 · 22/05/2023 18:11

I've known this school mum for years. We've always been polite and said hello, but not friends as such. She is known to be a tiger mum, ie very protective of her children (now 16 and 13).
Her younger one is now in my daughter's class in high school, and they have struck up a close friendship. Occasionally, our daughters have got into a bit of trouble at school. Honestly, nothing major. They are at a fairly strict private school and their behaviour is relatively good. They might hide out in the bathroom during break if the weather is particularly cold outside, for example. They do their work, no backchat to teachers, no bullying, etc.
Recently my daughter has come home saying that the mother of her friend has told her daughter that she doesn't like my girl, that's she's a bad influence. Friend has told my daughter all of this. I feel really disappointed at this. I have been making her daughter feel welcome at my house, having her for dinner and sleepovers. She never has my daughter over, but funnily enough, seems happy to accept my hospitality towards her daughter Hmm
I'll say one thing for my daughter, she is polite and respectful in other people's houses, and people often comment on it.
My daughter has just asked if this friend can stay over tonight, and it sticks in my throat to be honest.
It just seems hypocritical and two-faced of the mother.
AIBU?

OP posts:
gooseduckchicken · 22/05/2023 18:15

Are you sure the mum said this? Could the friend be making it up?

It doesn't really add up that the mum thinks your DD is a bad influence but is willing to allow her to sleepovers.

SummerHouse · 22/05/2023 18:20

As annoying as this is, I wouldn't get into the tit for tat. It's not DDs fault or her friends fault and they would suffer if you retaliated and for example refused to have friend over. You are the better person here and you can show both girls the higher ground.

I think given friend's mum's views, I would be content with DD not going over there. I would also take DDs friends account with a pinch of salt.

CastleTurrets · 22/05/2023 18:20

It could well be the mum said something along the lines of, "I see you were caught hiding in the toilets during break - did X encourage you to do that? Is she a bad influence?" or something along those lines.

If the mum genuinely believes your daughter to be a bad influence and wants her daughter to stay clear I highly doubt she would agree to her daughter spending more time with yours outside of school.

Original poster
zutalors1 · 22/05/2023 18:21

It's unfortunately true, yes. There would be absolutely no sense in the girl making it up.
How convenient though, eh? Disapprove of my daughter - and never host for them - but happy to leave it all to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
zutalors1 · 22/05/2023 18:22

She's a lovely girl too, even if she does tell my daughter how much her mum dislikes her Confused

OP posts:
EmptyBedBlues · 22/05/2023 18:23

Unless you’ve heard this directly from the mother, and if she’s still letting her daughter sleepover at your house, isn’t it perfectly possible it’s largely 13-year-old fantasy and melodrama?

Original poster
zutalors1 · 22/05/2023 18:23

Anyway, thanks for your replies 👍

OP posts:
Original poster
zutalors1 · 22/05/2023 18:23

EmptyBedBlues · 22/05/2023 18:23

Unless you’ve heard this directly from the mother, and if she’s still letting her daughter sleepover at your house, isn’t it perfectly possible it’s largely 13-year-old fantasy and melodrama?

I would believe it about this particular mum.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 22/05/2023 18:24

It's possible the friend blamed your daughter if they were caught out in something (not an unusual reaction to get yourself out of trouble as a teen) and mum therefore concluded your dd is a bad influence. It's annoying either way but I'd try to be the bigger person if the girls are good friends and its isn't the girls fault if her mum is OTT.

Saucemonkey · 22/05/2023 18:25

I would not host. Sleepovers are not mandatory

ArseMenagerie · 22/05/2023 18:26

I had this and I tackled it head on. I said to the girl: you can’t come over no as DD has told me what your mum has said about her and I think it’s best we all get some space.
I sent the same as a message to the mum.
she rang me and apologised and said her DD must have got the wrong end of the stick 😵

Dacadactyl · 22/05/2023 18:26

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 22/05/2023 18:24

It's possible the friend blamed your daughter if they were caught out in something (not an unusual reaction to get yourself out of trouble as a teen) and mum therefore concluded your dd is a bad influence. It's annoying either way but I'd try to be the bigger person if the girls are good friends and its isn't the girls fault if her mum is OTT.

This.

MidsummerNightsDream · 22/05/2023 18:28

Yes. It’d upset me too. However, I would choose to ignore it because:

  1. you don’t know how true it all is

  2. your dd has a nice friend

  3. the friend has a nice friend in

    your dd

  4. dd’s friend is going to need good friends and if her dm is a person who is attempting to control/influence her child’s friendships.

Do it for the kids.

EmptyBedBlues · 22/05/2023 18:32

Dacadactyl · 22/05/2023 18:26

This.

Show quote history

Sounds perfectly possible.

OP, I think your evident dislike of this woman is making you overreact. If she’s as ‘protective’ as you say, surely it’s highly unlikely she’d keep letting her daughter spend so much time at your house if she genuinely believed your daughter was a bad influence on hers.

I wouldn’t read anything into the lack of reciprocation — at 13, it’s not as if you’re having to supervise play dates, so presumably you’re not having to put yourself out if this girl visits?

Original poster
zutalors1 · 22/05/2023 18:34

No, but it's an extra mouth to feed I guess Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
zutalors1 · 22/05/2023 18:35

And I honestly never disliked her at all. Not at all. Our eldest children were in nursery together!
I've been put off by her dislike of my daughter, but that's a recent thing.

OP posts:
redskylight · 22/05/2023 18:37

I also suspect you're getting a half story.

In terms of not inviting your DD to her house - not sure why you are blaming the mother? At 13, they organise their own meetups, and I'm sure it would have been relayed back if the reason for not going to the other house was that the mum didn't allow it.

EmptyBedBlues · 22/05/2023 18:38

zutalors1 · 22/05/2023 18:34

No, but it's an extra mouth to feed I guess Smile

Well, tell your daughter you can’t afford to keep feeding her friend, and see what version of that makes its way back to the mother? It’s not outside the bounds of possibility that it will be along the lines of ‘That girl is a Bad Influence and will never Darken My Door again!’

ReachForTheMars · 22/05/2023 18:45

I'd be tempted to tell your daughter that her friend was rude to pass the information on and its hurt your feelings so at the moment, no, you dont want her over.

It's a hard lesson to both of them that telling people what other people say (innocently or stirring) has consequences.

Honestly, I once hitched about one friend to another at that age and the friend I was talking about was direct about being upset and angry with me and we didnt talk for weeks. We did make up but it was a lesson learnt and in this case I'd rather your daughter learnt it safely from you than by making that mistake herself.

Yvetty · 22/05/2023 18:47

I wouldn’t have her over either. I think it’s about time she was invited over to her friends house.

redbigbananafeet · 22/05/2023 18:49

zutalors1 · 22/05/2023 18:34

No, but it's an extra mouth to feed I guess Smile

I'm pretty sure if your child attends a strict private school that you can stretch to an extra place at the table.

MrFlobby · 22/05/2023 18:59

Ask the mum. Is there an issue? Because dd said…

Original poster
zutalors1 · 22/05/2023 19:09

@redbigbananafeet

You don't know my circumstances. But my comment was more in reference to the poster who said that it's no extra effort to have her over.

OP posts:
Original poster
zutalors1 · 22/05/2023 19:10

MrFlobby · 22/05/2023 18:59

Ask the mum. Is there an issue? Because dd said…

It is tempting! But I'm a pretty laidback mum and don't want to cause any friction.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 22/05/2023 19:11

My friend’s mum read a message about blow jobs friend had written in her diary (we were 14 and I was very naive so had no idea what this was at that stage). Friend blamed me and her mum called my dad (mortifying!). Dad believed me luckily. Anyway, she blamed me for all her daughter’s behaviour issues (couldn’t believe her daughter was naughty on her own).

you’ve no idea what’s been said so I’d assume there’s more to it. I would message the mum because it would bug me but I’d assume there will be a number of versions of the truth.

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