To be pissed off by this two-faced mum?

[zutalors1]

I've known this school mum for years. We've always been polite and said hello, but not friends as such. She is known to be a tiger mum, ie very protective of her children (now 16 and 13).
Her younger one is now in my daughter's class in high school, and they have struck up a close friendship. Occasionally, our daughters have got into a bit of trouble at school. Honestly, nothing major. They are at a fairly strict private school and their behaviour is relatively good. They might hide out in the bathroom during break if the weather is particularly cold outside, for example. They do their work, no backchat to teachers, no bullying, etc.
Recently my daughter has come home saying that the mother of her friend has told her daughter that she doesn't like my girl, that's she's a bad influence. Friend has told my daughter all of this. I feel really disappointed at this. I have been making her daughter feel welcome at my house, having her for dinner and sleepovers. She never has my daughter over, but funnily enough, seems happy to accept my hospitality towards her daughter
I'll say one thing for my daughter, she is polite and respectful in other people's houses, and people often comment on it.
My daughter has just asked if this friend can stay over tonight, and it sticks in my throat to be honest.
It just seems hypocritical and two-faced of the mother.
AIBU?

This.

I'd be on the side of what my dd wanted. She wants to keep this friend, so let her keep coming. However I'd probably have a chat with her about it not being a very friendly thing to do to report the unpleasant things others have said about you. Probably fall on deaf ears as at this age they love all that stuff, but I'd want to get it across.

Bear in mind, that even if true, it might have been spoken in a fit of temper or exasperation. I'm sure a lot of us have said disparaging things about our kids ' friends or families from time to time. It would be nice to think a child would be loyal to their own parent and not reveal anything but perhaps the friend sees it as a juicy piece of gossip.

I wouldn't confront the other parent. But maybe ask your dd why she doesn't go to the friend's house. Could be the friend's choice?

My dd (older than yours OP) spends a lot of time at a friend's house and it arose because she suffered from depression for a while and preferred not to entertain in her bedroom which reminded her of her depression. Nothing to do with us not wanting the friend to come.

Be direct. Text the mum 'I understand from x that you consider daughter to be a bad influence, as such I thought I should let you know that name was hoping to stay round again, obviously normally we are delighted to have her as she is always such a considerate guest and so diplomatic but in the circumstances we won't be able to, perhaps you needcto explain your reasons to her again'

I agree with you.

She is 16, not 6.

I think @Conkersinautumn text is on point.

If she feels that strongly she should stand by her convictions.

Your daughter needs it explained to her that she should not accept someone repeating bad things about her, to her.
Its not nice.

That "friend" needs teaching a lesson too.

Thanks very much for all the support, everyone. It is much appreciated.
Oh, and they're on a sort of half-term holiday at the moment, hence the possibility of a sleepover (we're not in England)!

I don't think it's hypercritical. She feels your daughter is a bad influence on her daughter therefore isn't doing anything to encourage the friendship such as inviting her round for sleepovers. She recognises though that she can't really stop her daughter being friends with her so isn't prepared to 'ban' her from staying at your house.

My best friend had this mother. I was always the bad influence! Shes still my best friend now 20 years later. She admitted later that she always blamed me because her parents were very strict. We can laugh about it now. I also didnt really care tbh. And i was glad my parents always welcomed her and treated her nicely. Not her fault her mum didnt like me (well actually it was.. but yea)

I can honestly say I've never met anyone quite like her, which I'm very grateful about 😂 honestly she's in for such a shock because her daughter is so strong and so determined and just pretends to do what she's told while doing exactly what she wants. Her mum has no idea... And sadly I'll be telling her nothing 😂

Well, that's convenient for her then.

I'd be saying to your friends daughter:

"I'm really sorry but if your mum doesn't like my daughter, then she won't want you to stop over"!

Tbh you think your daughters behaviour is ok, and she obviously doesn't so from that perspective I can see why she thinks your daughter is a bad influence. You have different boundaries and she probably thinks the behaviour will continue to get worse.

I'm not sure it is 'convenient'. There's a good chance that the mum would prefer her not to have sleep overs or do anything to foster the friendship however she recognises at 16 she has limited influence.
I'm not saying the mum is correct in her judgements but I don't believe she's morally obliged to invite someone over who she doesn't really like just because they've invited your daughter over. In fact even if you do like said child invites don't have to be tit for tat. There are numerous reasons parents don't want other children over.

Mn is always so straight cut but in real life of course there’s a chance your ds said/did something if they’re spending so much time together that clashes with how an overprotective mum (and sorry- tiger mum? Are we not all?!) wants her child to be. nobody’s perfect and she could have said or done anything, big or small. Have we not all heard conversations between kids and straightened up a little thinking‘I don’t want my kids to do that’ either rightly or wrongly?

Ps you may call it two faced but is it not more likely her just trying to not pull her daughter into a dramatic he said/ she said thing? People replying to text about it, can you imagine as a teen if your parents did that? God I’m relieved mobile phones and sm weren’t a thing!!

I'd message the Mum.
"Hi! So pleased that your DD is coming to stay again. She loves it here and we love her company! Just wondering what date would be good for my DD to come and stay at your house?".

Don't even mention behaviour or her comments. It invites her to be open with you and it makes it clear that you've clocked that she never goes to the other house.

I had something VERY similar. My view is to always, if possible, have sleepovers at mine. That way I know where all the girls are!

Like you, I liked my child’s friend. Very much actually. And she was always welcome at mine. She was always delightful. She was a good friend to my daughter. That’s all that mattered really. My daughter and I had a giggle at her being taunted as a ‘bad influence’. I brushed it off.

The girl moved away. To another country actually. The girls still stay in touch. She’s coming back here for the summer and no doubt she’ll come here. I’m quite looking forward to seeing her. She’s a great kid. I don’t need to be friends with her mum, or even like her mum.

I don't think OP even knows that its the mum stopping the daughter going round, does she?
Or if it is, that it's anything specific against her daughter and not a blanket ban on children in her house.

My children's friends are always very welcome here. DS chooses not to have his friends round as he prefers to go to theirs. That's his choice, not something I've imposed.

Then I think that in the interest of fairness, you need to explain to your child that playdates are a two-way thing. Otherwise you run the risk of your child never being invited to other places.

We've got one family here who NEVER has my nanny child round, EVER, despite theirs coming to us on average once every couple of weeks because 'he likes going to other houses.' Tough.

13 year olds do not have playdates.
They hang out with their friends in their chosen location.

You sound the opposite of laidback tbf.
But I’d ask the mum if there was a problem, as you are annoyed about it (I would be too).

Apologies. Thought you meant little ones. Which happens more than you may think!

@SpinningCloudNiteClub

What a weird observation. I'll take it as an insult, but then you go on to say that you'd be annoyed too. Okay

This is my theory....
Her mother keeps having a go at school misdemeanours so her DD shakes a bit of blame towards your DD (natural kid device). Her daughter doesn't link this but then passes on her mum's opinion.

My view take it with a pinch of salt and base your decision on what you think of your dd's friend.....would be sad if due to something she can't change her friendship is altered....
also bit of jealousy ....
maybe she's mentioned you're more relaxed/nice and it hasn't gone down well.

👍👍👍

You need to stay out of this.

It's not about you feeling offended, it's not about you at all. Leave your dd to sort out her friendships. As long as the other girl isn'y bullying of course. They are young and finding their way, let them. Welcome your dd's friends as long as they behave and are respectful in your home and towards your dd. Otherwise, keep out.

I would be wary about setting an example to your dd that one way friendships are acceptable (they are not) that somehow she has to accept being inferior and doing all of the giving. As blasé as dd is, she shouldn’t find that comment acceptable either and not should you. Don’t teach her to be a doormat and a mug. I would simply say until the friendship becomes more equal friend is only invited to hang out (no catering nor sleepovers) at your house. That will keep the friendship ticking over without you unavoidably setting a poor example to her.