To be pissed off by this two-faced mum?

[zutalors1]

I've known this school mum for years. We've always been polite and said hello, but not friends as such. She is known to be a tiger mum, ie very protective of her children (now 16 and 13).
Her younger one is now in my daughter's class in high school, and they have struck up a close friendship. Occasionally, our daughters have got into a bit of trouble at school. Honestly, nothing major. They are at a fairly strict private school and their behaviour is relatively good. They might hide out in the bathroom during break if the weather is particularly cold outside, for example. They do their work, no backchat to teachers, no bullying, etc.
Recently my daughter has come home saying that the mother of her friend has told her daughter that she doesn't like my girl, that's she's a bad influence. Friend has told my daughter all of this. I feel really disappointed at this. I have been making her daughter feel welcome at my house, having her for dinner and sleepovers. She never has my daughter over, but funnily enough, seems happy to accept my hospitality towards her daughter
I'll say one thing for my daughter, she is polite and respectful in other people's houses, and people often comment on it.
My daughter has just asked if this friend can stay over tonight, and it sticks in my throat to be honest.
It just seems hypocritical and two-faced of the mother.
AIBU?

You’ve not mentioned how your DD feels about this, was she upset by these comments? Does she still want the friend over? What works best for her in all this? I wouldn’t get into tit for tat if itl cause your daughter unwanted problems for example.

Recently my daughter has come home saying that the mother of her friend has told her daughter that she doesn't like my girl, that's she's a bad influence. Friend has told my daughter all of this. I feel really disappointed at this. I have been making her daughter feel welcome at my house, having her for dinner and sleepovers. She never has my daughter over, but funnily enough, seems happy to accept my hospitality towards her daughter

You are teaching your daughter to be a doormat by allowing this girl in to your home.

Tell dd she can’t stay.

I think at this age you might want to find out what’s been said. Ring the mum and say that you are happy to host the sleepover but you would like to clear something up first and explain what your daughter has told you.

The mum will just lie won’t she, it’s free babysitting.

A very valid point!
My daughter is resilient to the point that she lets things wash over her, unlike her more sensitive sisters.
It certainly hasn't affected her view of her friend. But my daughter finds it hard to talk about her feelings. I honestly don't think it has bothered her too much.
I have told my daughter how I feel, and that I'm disappointed in the mum for saying nothing, yet still be ok with her daughter coming to our place.

At this age, luckily the DD comes fairly independently of the mother so I'd separate the two. If I liked the girl and I thought she was a good friend for my DD, I wouldn't begrudge feeding her occasionally even if the hospitality wasn't reciprocated. I wouldn't encourage my DC to go round to a house where I didn't like the parents, even if it meant playdates/sleepovers were rather one-sided... I'd rather she stay safe and appreciated at home.

Yes, that's totally fair. I agree.

Honestly I’d probably let the friend come over then or it makes it into a bigger thing for your DD. And could make a bigger issue of it if your DD tells the friend she’s not allowed to stay over because you are annoyed at the friends mum etc. Difficult decision either way though! I can understand the posters saying not to let DD be a doormat, this is just the route I’d take I think.

My mum used to say this of a few of my friends at that age but would still let me stay over. Some of my earliest arguments with her was over these things - but she was and is incredibly judgemental (she judges herself just as harshly as she judges everyone else so it’s sad rather than enraging).

From a personal level, if your daughter is happy to stay friends with this girl, please keep welcoming her into your home and showing her that not everyone thinks or interacts in this way. She’ll need to work out that there are other things to value in life as well. Plus, sounds like she likes coming round if they keep organising these things!

No bollocks to that with big fucking bells on. “She’s not coming round because her mum thinks you’re a bad influence & I don’t want you socialising with her here at home if that’s truly what has been said”

Then sit and wait

Kids know by this age which houses are safe and welcoming and which aren't. If this girl isn't inviting your DD round, it may be because she knows she can't trust her mother to keep her mouth shut and behave pleasantly to her friends and doesn't want the embarrassment. Whereas she may feel relaxed and secure coming to yours.

@TeaKitten thank you. The friend is here right now, in fact! They're good friends and I don't want to do anything to spoil it for them.
Funny, but my daughter is usually the last person to be a pushover! She's lovely, but finds it hard to form bonds with adults. So in a way, I don't think the mum's attitude has surprised her
My eldest is autistic and I can see definite, less pronounced traits in my younger two.

I've done the same as one (at least) pp mentioned: Phoned the mum and said "oh did you know your dd wants a sleepover, i thought i'd let you know not to worry that I've said 'no' as i know you don't like her hanging out with MiniBref"

To stony silence. (turned out, of course, that her dd often slept over at 'friends' while mum went out with her DH.

I know how you feel bit if your daughter does not want you to say anything just leave it.
I had similar with my dd and a friend they hung out together could always rely on each other but the boys mum told him that my dd was a bad influence its because they ate both recently 18 and starting to go out to clean parties my dd never has been drunk so don't know why she thinks she's a bad influence. The friendship changed when she didn't return to school to do Alevels and went to a local college.i really wanted to say to the mum but my dd said just leave it. He went out along with her twice since Xmas and her friends but left.
We just have to follow what our kids want us to do.

Oh and also - the woman’s a rude ungrateful taker because she doesn’t reciprocate the hospitality. She’s using you, regardless of what she may have said. Either way expecting one parent of a pair of friends to consistently host is a social faux pas. Wouldn’t work with me. I’d not be extending the bitten hand of friendship any further sorry

Definitely this, one of my DDs friends mums does not like DD as she believes it is DDs fault her daughter 'thinks' she's gay. She thinks we have too many children and thinks we're too poor- which she does not approve of (this is based on us living in a rural area!?). She is also racist... Her daughter is forbidden to be friends with mine. Sadly for her this has just caused her daughter much delight at being sneaky (she's a fiesty one 😂) and I know they are glued together at school and it just makes me quietly smirk.

I will say she's said much worse about other mums and children so I'm still winning at this point 😂😂

And that punishes who?

@OptimisticSix

Well, that mother sounds delightful!

I remember getting caught smoking with a friend when I was at secondary school. That friend and I were really close at the time and she was always staying at mine and vice versa.
She told her Mum it was all my fault (it was actually her that persuaded me to try it) and that she only did it because I told her to. Her Mum came round to my house and ranted at my parents then actually went so far as to move her to a different school as apparently I was such a bad influence on her angelic child. It was quite a dramatic reaction to what was essentially two 16 year olds having a sneaky try of a cigarette. My point is you really can't believe anything that some kids say so I would take it with a pinch of salt.
Either ask her directly or just ignore. Your daughter has a good friendship, it would be a shame for the parents to come between them.

I would just ignore it and pretend you never heard it. The daughter obviously likes your daughter and your house, so I would continue to be your lovely self and don’t take any notice of anyone else, or change your ways. You sound nice and maybe this girl needs a nice person in her life.

If this friend is so nice, why does she repeat the mean things her mother says? I would have a discussion with DD about that aspect. Apparently the Mums of two of my besties at primary school didn't like me, and I do wonder why said besties felt it was so vital to pass that on to me.

When I was 14/15 my friend told me that her mum had said that about me…and that I was a bad influence only a “builder’s daughter” (we went to private school as well) The snobbery from her family was unreal. I was no different really then any of our other friends, but any usual teenager things we got up to was obviously always my fault 🙄 My parents never treated my friend any different though, they liked her.

I think this is a situation you will never really know. Maybe Tiger Mum's DD is making up, maybe Tiger Mum didn't say or it was out of context or maybe it is the truth. Maybe you could ask Tiger Mum - but would she admit it or try to style it out?

What you do know, however, is that your DD obviously likes and wants to spend time with her friend. So, on that basis, I would probably let your DD have her friend over - but perhaps not an overnight stay just yet. Remind your DD that no friend should ever make her feel bad or inadequate and if they do, your DD can choose to take a step back.

I’m obviously the only one having the horror that it’s a school night and they’re having a sleepover😨🤣….. but I agree with the poster up thread who said that if they’re a good friend for your dd in other ways just ignore the comments from the Mum and continue to be hospitable - good friends are worth it.

Not the same thing, but I remember as a kid another family had taken me bowling and/ or to the cinema a few times. Which I was given money to pay for. I was around 11 or 12 at the time and my parents had two younger kids and have always been incredibly busy with weekend commitments etc.
One time my friend rang me up to invite me to go to the cinema with her and I was delighted and agreed. My family never went to the cinema or bowling as we couldn’t afford it as a whole family, so it was a really treat.

She rang back ten minutes later and asked if my parents could pick us up afterwards. I asked my parents, however they couldn’t for logistics- I think my Dad was away and my younger brother was at a party that ended at that time in the local town rather than the city when the cinema was. I told my friend and her Mother told her to tell me that we couldn’t go to the cinema after all because she couldn’t bring us back after.

Monday at school, my friend told me that they’d gone to the cinema with a different friend, with her Mum doing lifts both way. She told me that her Mother had said that until my family pulled their weight with lifts etc, then I was no longer being taken by them.

I could see the logic then and I see it now, but I remember being incredibly hurt by the Mum. Nothing I had done personally was out of line. I was a kid who agreed to my friend’s invitations and my family were incredibly generous with them in return in turns of feeding her and having her over for meals etc.

But with a larger family and really busy weekends, we couldn’t always offer lifts and like I say, were never just naturally going to those locations ourselves. I could see why she was pissed and I understood it, but just remember at the time thinking ‘This is an adult, openly uninviting a child from a trip due to reasons outside her control to make a point’.

From that point forward I minimised visits etc, because I didn’t know what else they thought/ said about me and I didn’t want to be around such a petty adult. I knew we couldn’t fund or provide the transactional friendship they wanted. I liked going on trips but I didn’t need to. I was just happy seeing my friend anywhere.

Your daughter sounds smart enough to recognise poor behaviour when she sees it and luckily is at an age when she can separate mother from daughter x