To be pissed off by this two-faced mum?

[zutalors1]

I've known this school mum for years. We've always been polite and said hello, but not friends as such. She is known to be a tiger mum, ie very protective of her children (now 16 and 13).
Her younger one is now in my daughter's class in high school, and they have struck up a close friendship. Occasionally, our daughters have got into a bit of trouble at school. Honestly, nothing major. They are at a fairly strict private school and their behaviour is relatively good. They might hide out in the bathroom during break if the weather is particularly cold outside, for example. They do their work, no backchat to teachers, no bullying, etc.
Recently my daughter has come home saying that the mother of her friend has told her daughter that she doesn't like my girl, that's she's a bad influence. Friend has told my daughter all of this. I feel really disappointed at this. I have been making her daughter feel welcome at my house, having her for dinner and sleepovers. She never has my daughter over, but funnily enough, seems happy to accept my hospitality towards her daughter
I'll say one thing for my daughter, she is polite and respectful in other people's houses, and people often comment on it.
My daughter has just asked if this friend can stay over tonight, and it sticks in my throat to be honest.
It just seems hypocritical and two-faced of the mother.
AIBU?

@JMSA Op’s own words are To be pissed off by this two-faced mum? It doesn’t sound very laidback, but there is nothing wrong with not being a laidback mum.

Yes and you are being used as free childcare and entertainment op. Your dd is ‘good enough’ when she is offering the CF mother something but not good enough to be invited over! I would be very interested to know who IS being invited.

I wouldn't even bother engaging in any way with this. Just ignore it and proceed as normal. I am sure when my ds told me a few times he was in trouble with the same guy l turned my eyes to heaven and said..its always Joe isn't it. But l suppose the other mum thought the same. They are all grown up now and we can all laugh about it. Say nothing. It will all blow over and be glad you have the kind of welcoming home that makes your dds friends feel comfortable.

Sounds like a lot of mums tbh. They'll always take you up on playdates, sleepovers etc as its free time for them. Tread carefully

Is your dd 13 or 16? In any case, there really is no point to get involved. Welcome your dd's friends warmly as long as they are nice to you and your dd and behave respectfully in your home. You will always be remembered as a nice mum and it would be puerile to go tit for tat. I know some Mumsnetters love all that catty drama but don't go there, we are supposed to be the grown ups.

I would absolutely ask this mum if this is how she feels. If she is happy to send her daughter over, I would ring her and say 'look, this is awkward but Ive been told you object to my daughter being friends with your daughter, is this true or just playground gossip'. At least you will get an answer. If you dont ask you will never be sure.

It is not catty drama to expect others to treat you and your child with respect. You raise people pleasers at your peril. Teach dd to respect herself, her time and her/family generosity. You can still be hospitable and warm to the other child, but no more sleepovers and suppers for the time being.

A tiger mum doesn't mean very protective. It means really pushy, especially in terms of academics and achievement.

It should be up to OP's daughter to manage her own friendships surely, especially at 16. The OP would be interfering in her nearly grown up daughter's friendships. It's much better to stand back so these girls learn through experience, ideally away from touchy, meddling moms. If the OP's dd is offended then it's up to her to minimise contact or say something to her friend. If she doesn't mind it's up to her. Just as it's silly of the other mom to say OP's dd is a bad influence it would be silly of OP to be stroppy and say her dd's friends' mom is a bad influence. Too many cooks, leave this friendship stuff up to them unless they are struggling, being bullied or ask for support.

Meh

Dont let it bother you

Is it true what she said? No? Who cares then.

I agree, but I think the daughter in question is 13. Though the point still stands.

Kids say stupid things to their friends and it's often worth taking things like this with a pinch of salt. It could be that your DD's friends mum said in passing, "you've been getting in more trouble since you've been hanging out with your new friend" and this has been slightly misinterpreted and exaggerated by her daughter when passing the info onto your daughter. We all day things like this in the privacy of our own homes and it's more likely that there wasn't much thought or malice behind what she said and thinks nothing bad of your daughter.

I would ask the mother what the problem is. Be pleasant in tone and approach and explain that if there has been a problem you would like to know if it is something you can address together. When my kids were young I found this approach worked well.

Somebody said the friend was 'rude' to have told your daughter but 13 yr olds tell there besties everything. Since the girls want to spend time together, I hope you'll go on letting the friend come over, Poor kid has a weirdo mother after all!

They are 13 not 16 so a world of difference in terms of development and maturity.

Far better to be raise girls not to ‘be nice’ but with a sense of self esteem and value otherwise you are really saying other peoples feelings and needs are more important than dd’s.
I would continue to welcome said child but not for things that require time, money and effort and most importantly I would ask dd to cast her net wider and make more friends. The mother is likely going to ruin that friendship one way or another, and it will be better for your child if she has a wide circle pd friends to fall back on.

What good would tit for tatting do? Your girls are friends. Facilitate that. You're not doing it for reciprocity, are you?

If I thought a friend of one of mine was a bad influence, I would insist on hosting, I’d want to keep an eye on them! There’s loads of reasons why she might have made it up. I was with my friend the other day and her teen dd was messaging her asking for a friend to stay over but on another platform telling the mum “say no, so I can show her you’ve said no” Teenagers are complicated!!

tbh, on first read I thought this was going to go in a more racist direction, but OP just doesn’t know what tiger mum means 🤣

You don’t mean ‘laidback’ surely? You mean you don’t like confrontation/are a bit of a doormat etc.

Laid back means chilled. Your post title, saying the mum’s attitude sticks in your throat etc shows you are not chilled or laid back at all. Which is ok.

And I also thought you were talking about an academically pushy mum. Which is what tiger mum means.

About 25 years ago my DS's gf told her mum that I said to DS I didn't like her. I didn't but would never tell him. I happened to go to my neighbour and gf's mum was there, not talking to me. When I asked why she told me. The kids were home so went to fetch DS. She repeated the story. He said never happened. She certainly lost face. I see I have a liar for a DD. I could have told her that. But she's a good wife and mum.