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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a more substantial present from my parents for my newborn?

111 replies

Izzy222 · 19/02/2008 17:45

I'm eight months pregnant. My mother and her partner have recently retired, but have sold a large house and I know they're not short of money - though they like to say they are. While my husband's parents have bought us a £500 pram, and other members of his family are buying us presents such as a car seat, all my mum has said is that she'd like to buy us a shawl (though this hasn't materialised yet, and the birth is fairly imminent). It really isn't that I can't afford things like a cot myself, but I'm feeling a bit upset that my parents haven't thought to buy us something more substantial - especially as they don't have any other grandchildren. Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

flowerybeanbag · 19/02/2008 18:34

What everyone else said.

Shawl lovely and sentimental gift. Also your baby isn't born yet so you don't know what they might buy for it. My inlaws planned and organised to buy the travel system, very lovely, very useful. My parents aren't the sort to organise stuff like that but when DS arrived they came with lots of lovely little things for him plus a gorgeous Picasso print of a mother and child which they had chosen and which will be on our wall for many many years.

Sounds as though it's the 'showing excitement' thing which is the issue really isn't it? Maybe they are the kind who find it difficult to show too much excitement about a pregnancy until the baby is here safe and well?

kerala · 19/02/2008 19:36

Yes - they might be superstitious about buying things in advance perhaps? Some people are I think.

Threadworm · 19/02/2008 20:20

Sorry, Izzy. My post was prob one of the ones that made you feel bad. You aren't at all bad. I've had feelings a bit like that too. It's not really about the material goods, is it. It's about feeling valued and understood and cared for, which we all want desparately from our parents, no matter how old we are.

Flibbertyjibbet · 19/02/2008 20:26

Dps gran gave us money as did mil. My mum knitted an heirloom shawl with vintage wool I found on ebay for a tenner.
Now which do you think we appreciated the most and which do you think we will still have around long after baby has grown up and left home?
If your parents don't live in this country is it so bad that they are going to personally choose and post something rather than just send money?
Shawl every time over furniture imo.
ITS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

Fluffsuptheduff · 19/02/2008 20:28

awww, don't feel awful. I do think it's possible to look at what one side has done - been mega generous - and compare it to the other side and feel a bit miffed, but you just need to look at it from a different perspective. a shawl is probably seen as a real treasure, to be used for christenings etc, and is a very traditional baby gift. the huge generosity of other family members is quite a new thing and quite unusual! and lots and lots of people just don't have that kind of money to spend on someone else's baby. my parents have been super generous with stuff, while my MIL has spent hours and hours knitting cardies and making a quilting cot blanket thing for us, and it's that that gives me a little lump in my throat because she hasn't got the money but has put so much love into it! (not that i don't also love the goooorge stuff my mum got and really really appreciate her for it because we are boracic, but you get my point?)

jasper · 19/02/2008 20:35

YABU

random · 19/02/2008 20:38

Money can't buy love ..cliched but true..Im not in the position to buy my grandchildren loads of expensive gifts but even if I was all my daughter wants is for me to love em and give my time ..which I gladly do

Alambil · 19/02/2008 20:42

My mum got me a shawl for DS - it is the best present I ever got...

It lasted far longer than any of his newborn clothes, I used it daily (as a blanket in his moses basket and pram).

I loved it (still have it now DS is 5 - it is stored away for my next dc)!

Does it really matter what they get - surely the thought and gesture is more important?

Flibbertyjibbet · 19/02/2008 20:49

By the way, my shawl knitting mother gives us a cheque (£25 ish) plus always a lovely but small present for each birthday or xmas.
The ils who handed over large cheques at the births, well they just buy awful tat toys and tasteless clothes from clearance shops.
Now which would you rather have in the long run?

weeonion · 19/02/2008 20:56

my parents helped us out a bit with gifts but tbh - the best thing was when they came to stay and mum said she was proud of me and i was doing a fab job. it was JUST what i needed at that time.

kittywise · 19/02/2008 20:56

You sound very greedy. You have not got the idea of what giving is about.
It isn't about how much something costs. Is that what you will be teaching your child?
I hope not.

WallOfSilence · 19/02/2008 20:58

Greedy guts.

If I thought you would complain about the gift I had bought you I would make it easier for you & buy you nothing!

WinkyWinkola · 19/02/2008 21:00

Just graciously accept whatever they think is a suitable gift. A shawl does sound nice.

You could tell your mum what it is that you need? Maybe she's casting about for ideas? Inspire her. Tell her something you'd like that will make you think of her every time you use it.

You're lucky that you have generous relatives who think of gifts TBH. Lots of ours are so tight or thoughtless, they can't be bothered at all.

Reallytired · 19/02/2008 21:11

sorry, yabu even with pregnancy hormones.

I think you show grow up and stop thinking that world owes you a living. ffs you are about to be mother. There is no excuse for acting like a spoilt toddler.

If you can't afford a cot then look in the newspaper. We got my son's cot for about £20 and then you just have the cost of buying a new mattress. Your baby won't care if it is top of the range or not.

When your baby is born you will realise how your parents have already done for you. The financial cost and the physical work of bring up a child is truely staggering.

twospecialgirls · 19/02/2008 21:15

yabu they dont have to get you anything and maybe they are planning a suprise you never know but if they are not you should be gratefull for what you get how do you know you mum doesnt think that as hawlis a very nice gift and something your baby can keep always
its the small things that mean more to me i would rather have a lovely shawl than an over priced gift that you would prob never use anyway

cory · 19/02/2008 22:30

Please note that OP has already been back on the thread several times to say she realises she got things out of proportion- so there is no need to go on and on about HBU! These threads do tend to end up in loops. There isn't much point in telling somebody something if you can't be bothered to check whether they've actually taken it to heart already.

Hope you feel happier now, Izzy.

PABLOP · 19/02/2008 22:40

I'm new. what is yabu?

Spidermama · 19/02/2008 22:42

You Are Being Unreasonable.

PABLOP · 19/02/2008 22:50

thanks spidermama, feel a bit thick now. will get the hang of it soon

Psychomum5 · 19/02/2008 22:52

you know what......they may just be waiting until baby comes, they see what you have/haven't got, see what you actually need, and then will step in and buy you that!!!!!

they may even have started up a baby box ready to give you when baby arrives!? (or maybe a trust fund??)

or they may think you will need or want for nothing and not get anything......

whichever way they greet your new baby is going to be the 8right8 way for them, and to be honest, as long as you feel loved and supported, that in my book would be the best ever gift, it is also free, and it would then make it completely priceless IMO as it means it comes from love and not for a need to 'buy' your gratitude or affection.

it is so sad now that many of us feel that the gifts we recieve somehow equate to the love people feel for us.

I would have been thrilled for my mum and dad to have got together to buy me many many gifts.......instead they are eboth too ill/unable to connect with me that it would never happen. I don;t even have their interest or support, which is what I needed so much more than gifts.

be thankful they are there for you to call upon and speak to as and when you need/want/have too. now that is the best gift at all from any parent!!

mumeeee · 19/02/2008 22:58

YABU. Gifts shpulsd not have to cost a lot of money anfd don't have to come before the baby is born. My Mum always buys the first Teddy for her Grandchildren and also knits some baby clothes.

kikid · 19/02/2008 22:59

I think i would be a little upset too izzy, can you talk it over with people who know you well?

you'll prob get a more balanced view.

yanbu

Trolleydolly71 · 19/02/2008 23:00

Message withdrawn

mumeeee · 19/02/2008 23:01

Sorry my typing is awful tonight.

moljam · 19/02/2008 23:02

get over yourself!yabu.they dont have to buy anything.and fwiw- i think a shawl is lovely as is something you can put away when finished using it and save for the grandchildren-can you do that with a pushchair.imo something like that is thoughtful.

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