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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a more substantial present from my parents for my newborn?

111 replies

Izzy222 · 19/02/2008 17:45

I'm eight months pregnant. My mother and her partner have recently retired, but have sold a large house and I know they're not short of money - though they like to say they are. While my husband's parents have bought us a £500 pram, and other members of his family are buying us presents such as a car seat, all my mum has said is that she'd like to buy us a shawl (though this hasn't materialised yet, and the birth is fairly imminent). It really isn't that I can't afford things like a cot myself, but I'm feeling a bit upset that my parents haven't thought to buy us something more substantial - especially as they don't have any other grandchildren. Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
BroccoliSpears · 19/02/2008 17:57

It's beside the point, but isn't a shawl a much more lovely, thoughtful and sentimental gift than a pushchair? A shawl will one day be carefully unwrapped to give to your LO when he or she have their first baby. A buggy will be Freecycled in under 3 years.

But as I said, beside the point because it's crass to compare presents and equate money spent to interest and excitement.

wannaBe · 19/02/2008 17:59

I think I would actually have felt quite uncomfortable with the idea of someone else spending £500 on a pram/cot etc.

Original poster
Izzy222 · 19/02/2008 17:59

oh dear...you are all so right and to be honest I think i expected this response, otherwise i wouldn't have posted the thread! It's definitely that I want them to show excitement, now that i think about it more and more. I'm going to crawl into a corner with my tail between my legs - i feel so ashamed!!

OP posts:
MrsFogi · 19/02/2008 17:59

You may find that they help you out after the birth and/or lavish attention on your dc - something that is much more valuable than any gift.

blueshoes · 19/02/2008 18:07

Maybe they lost touch with what to buy for newborns.

You said it is not a question of you not affording things. Well that says it all - you don't NEED the gift, even less reason to expect a substantial one.

Hulababy · 19/02/2008 18:08

I think you are being very unreasonable!

Why o you exoect that everyine should buy you and your baby a large gift? I would never have dreamt of expecting such gifts from my family, regardless of how much money they or may not have.

My DD got a much better gift from her grandparents - their love, their happiness, their desire to see her and be with her, and their support. No £500 pram or whatever could match that!

Threadworm · 19/02/2008 18:09

Best best best present for either of my newborns was a hand crochetted shawl/blanket from my sister. Certainly no-one gave us hugely expensive presents,a and it wouldn't have occured to me to expect them.

Ineedacleaner · 19/02/2008 18:09

ALthough I agree that YA probably BU I can totally understand how you feel. We bought all our own cot, buggies and things and were amazed that when we did get given gifts how generous people were but I was dissapointed that the only thing MIL bought dd was a tiny teddy from the tesco across the road from the hospital. Mind you my feelings do come from the way I feel about MIL and her relationship with money which is a whole other thread.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/02/2008 18:10

Don't feel too bad Izzy. We all go a bit loopy at 8 months don't we? Sense of proportion out of the window . And I do really think a shawl is a lovely idea, and I also never send gifts until the baby arrives.

lennygrrl · 19/02/2008 18:10

Message withdrawn

thefortbuilder · 19/02/2008 18:11

i think a shawl is a lovely idea. my mum had huge problems bfing me when i was born so went to great pains to ask if she could buy my breast pump in case ds had problems latching or if i wanted to express. she also bought our steriliser. she has a little money but not much and it was such a lovely thought out gift. and the beauty is that we can use it for ds2 when he is born in a few weeks.

pils bought our mountain buggy (they live in NZ and it was quit reasonable over there), and now want to get us a double buggy and bring it over. MIl is still working and they have a bit more spare cash to play with than my parents.

doesn't mean that one set loves the dgc any more than the other.

if your mum is going to help out after the birth that is going to be a much more valuable gift than anything material, believe me!

and as someone else said - enjoy the last few weeks.

sorry for long post - it didn't start off that way

filthymindedvixen · 19/02/2008 18:14

Izzy, don't be upset. I do know what you mean by wanting them to show excitement etc.
my father promised me the world when my first son was born....

10 years on, I have recieved - NOTHING!
In fact he never even bothered to meet one of his grandsons. I'd have been over the moon with 'just' a shawl tbh

If my father had showered me with expensive baby gifts, it would have made no difference in the long run. he'd have still rejected us all. And I'd still be typing this feeling bitter and sad that my boys are missing one grandparent.

I'm sure your parents and your dh's parents will be there for the long term. Love, support and a family network is something monmey cannot buy.
Good luck with everything.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/02/2008 18:16

izzy. Perhaps they are gutted that DH's family have all bought the important stuff already????

Original poster
Izzy222 · 19/02/2008 18:16

you're all so right and i'm terrible!

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 19/02/2008 18:18

Nonono, please don't feel bad - I think many of us understand how you feel and perhaps have felt the same

is it very important to you to please your parents and get approval from them? I have had to try to let go of this over the years as they are not capable of feeling / showing approval in a way that I can hold on to

expensive gifts are not what matters anyway, they may prove themselves to be devoted grandparents in all the important ways - if they don't, this is a disappointment, yes, but you are an adult and you are not reliant on them for happiness and self esteem

pointydog · 19/02/2008 18:18

you're n ot terrible. Don;t take it to heart. This thread'll probably run and run and no one will hvae read your more recent posts, so don't get upset by it.

DarthVader · 19/02/2008 18:19

My mum gave me £50 for a second hand pram & I was really grateful. Dp & I are not well off & all of our baby stuff was 2nd hand. My mum has assets of several million - so you could have argued that perhaps I might have expected a higher value gift. She went to Australia whilst I was pregnant which I thought was uncaring at the time.

She lovingly sewed me some other baby gifts. She also looked after my baby for almost 5 years for 3 days a week whilst I was working - and wouldn't take any payment. And in all those 5 years she wasn't able to go to Australia because of my work committments. Looking back, I had no right to resent her going to Oz during my pregnancy!

Don't confuse material gifts with love. It all gets v complicated over babies, expectations are all over the place and feelings run high...I know it's easier said than done but try to take a step back.

Original poster
Izzy222 · 19/02/2008 18:20

i don't think they are venividi... my parents are buying loads of stuff for themselves and their new house at the moment (and having it delivered to mine, incidentally, so they can pick it up when they next come over!)...but they can spend their money on what they want i guess!

OP posts:
filthymindedvixen · 19/02/2008 18:21

you're not terrible. You're 8-month's pregnant and without wanting to patronise, (or generalise) we all go a little bit irrational and unreasonable and hormonal and loopy by the end

ShinyDysonHereICome · 19/02/2008 18:21

A lovely shawl in some ways is a nicer, more thoughtful present as it can be passed down from one generation to another.

It's easy to splash out money on things like pushchairs but it sounds as though they have put a little more thought into things.

If you were short of money I would hope they would be more generous but seeing as you're not I think they are being reasonable really.

MaryAnnSingleton · 19/02/2008 18:22

YABU

Hulababy · 19/02/2008 18:23

You are not terrible. Just 8 months pregnant!

Heated · 19/02/2008 18:28

I can understand where you are coming from. You look at dh's parents and family and I suppose through the gifts you get a sense of how excited they are for you and the imminent arrival, they're helping you get prepared. And then you think about your own parents, can't help in your mind comparing them and it almost feels as if they don't care enough - a reflection even of how they feel about you? But pps are right in that the big baby items are quickly discarded; the shawl is more of an heirloom.

However, as pp's have said and you yourself have acknowledged buying expensive gifts doesn't = love. And gps are very different in their grandparenting styles. My ILs have become quite hands on, but live a fair distance. My father, I think, is going to be a more valued gp as dcs get older. Just learn to appreciate their different qualities.

SlartyBartFast · 19/02/2008 18:30

they probably want to get somethign really special and useful and reckoned a shawl fitted the bill.

OverMyDeadBody · 19/02/2008 18:32

Glad to see you came to your senses!

Try not to get cought up in the material side of things, far more valuable from grandparents is time and love and support. If they are they for you and your children for the rest of their lives that is what is important, regardless of what presents they did or didn't buy (but I'm sure you know this already!)