Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tight fisted friend.

108 replies

Manders64 · 22/05/2023 14:08

I have friend (few years now) who is great fun and I love her company - but… she comes over often for dinner and stays over. She has often arrived empty handed and drunk and smoked and eaten here. I mentioned the mooching once and she took the hint and started arriving with a bottle of wine (which she drinks). Last night she arrived with an opened bottle of gin and some tonic saying she couldn’t find my favorite wine. We drank my wine, smoked, ate dinner and drank my whisky. She stayed over and had breakfast and took leftovers for her lunch. I then noticed she’d taken her gin and tonic with her - this has super irritated me as I feel that she’s taking liberties AIBU?

OP posts:
MojacaSunset · 22/05/2023 21:39

People will treat you how you allow them to.........time to stop her taking advantage.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 21:52

I've just re-read and seen that she takes leftovers from your fridge for her lunch? That is so cheeky. She's on twice your money! And the gin... Honestly, I wouldn't have her come to the house again.

Summerfun54321 · 22/05/2023 22:22

Couldn't be arsed with a friend like that. Life is too short.

ViolaV · 22/05/2023 22:29

That's grotesque I have often wondered if people who are compulsively tight are mentally ill.

Bunnichick · 22/05/2023 22:31

She's tight but you are allowing her to do it. I wouldn't want leftover gin tbh either. Next time suggest going out or say you'll split the cost of a takeaway. You can't keep doing it and complain as you know what's she's like now.

squidgybits · 23/05/2023 02:31

you enable it

JandalsAlways · 23/05/2023 03:07

Ugh I have a cousin like this, leeches off everyone. I'd start meeting her out tbh or tell her what to bring. They think they're being clever so you need to be cleverer!

MermaidMummy06 · 23/05/2023 03:56

I'm betting she's not skint. She's a cheapskate who keeps her own pocket full by taking from others in indirect ways. You'd probably get a shock seeing how healthy her bank account is.

I've watched others fall into this trap repeatedly. One friend in particular I've told she's being used, often very obviously. I get told I'm being ridiculous so I just stay quiet now.

I learned the hard way myself when a friend kept messaging me, then asking me for info on school stuff or whatever she needed, because she was to lazy to do it herself. Trying it on again with school research (we've a lot of options). I've already picked one & enrolled my child & not said a word.

Rainallnight · 23/05/2023 04:17

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 22/05/2023 14:49

You've got to admire the brass balls of it. I have a relative who has form for this. My dsis hosted a "ladies night" where she prepared cocktails, food etc and we all took snacks (except cf) and a bottle of wine. Cf relatives drank the cocktails and ate the food with enthusiasm and drank "our wine". When they left they picked up their bottle declaring "this is ours" instead of leaving it as a host's perk.

With people like this (and all the other examples on this thread), I always wonder about their upbringing. All this sort of stuff about being a good guest is taught at home, explicitly or more usually by example. So I always wonder if their parents were the same and they’re just clueless as to social norms? Or if they were taught and have chosen to disregard it because they grew up into stingy people.

billy1966 · 23/05/2023 07:23

@MermaidMummy06 completely agree.

People like that are NEVER short, they always have plenty of money as they are always taking advantage of others.

The house will just be her latest excuse.

This level of meanness has not suddenly appeared.

People like this dodge bills, forget purses, are always on the scroungers.

They gravitate towards doormats and drop them the minute they are no longer of use.

IamnotSethRogan · 23/05/2023 07:35

I might have thought you were being used a few years ago but some people do just have different (less good ) manners. It doesnt necessarily mean they're scrounging but while you or I would be appalled to not turn up with something for thr host, there are some people who really just don't think about it.

Obviously you're a very good host and she probably just takes it for granted.

ViolaV · 23/05/2023 07:47

MermaidMummy06 · 23/05/2023 03:56

I'm betting she's not skint. She's a cheapskate who keeps her own pocket full by taking from others in indirect ways. You'd probably get a shock seeing how healthy her bank account is.

I've watched others fall into this trap repeatedly. One friend in particular I've told she's being used, often very obviously. I get told I'm being ridiculous so I just stay quiet now.

I learned the hard way myself when a friend kept messaging me, then asking me for info on school stuff or whatever she needed, because she was to lazy to do it herself. Trying it on again with school research (we've a lot of options). I've already picked one & enrolled my child & not said a word.

I have this exact same thing with a few casual friends. Rather than using good old google and informing themselves independently, they text me constantly asking how I did this, that and the other. I don't reply anymore.

Is this a new thing because of social media / Alexa / tech? People don't do their own 'research' on stuff anymore but expect to fire off a question and get the summarised answers presented to them? I'm not bloody Siri 😏.

FightingFatAt49 · 23/05/2023 10:20

All those saying that you never expect guests to bring anything, do you also turn up to others' houses empty handed?
It's not that I expect guests to bring wine / dessert etc... as I'll have plenty, but it is manners to do so. Even a bunch of flowers to show thanks & appreciation would be good.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 23/05/2023 18:43

She’s clearly broke. If you’re not broke and she’s your friend, just share willingly.

Random102 · 23/05/2023 18:49

How close friends are you?

I would expect my best friend to treat my house as her own, she would be welcome to anything in the fridge and I wouldn’t be bothered about finding her. But I know if the shoe were on the other food and she was hosting she would be exactly the same.

Random102 · 23/05/2023 18:50

*funding.

Poppingmad123 · 23/05/2023 18:51

You are enabling your freeloader friend tho arent you op?

If you can’t deny her a place to sleep, ask her to at least sort her own food and drink as you should not be expected to supply that every single time.

As others have said, don’t cook a nice meal, don’t offer wine, or breakfast - just offer a cuppa next time and that’s it. If she helps herself to your food, then that really is just grim. She’s s guest, not a lodger.

Hmm1234 · 23/05/2023 19:27

What is she smoking? Something other than cigarettes

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 23/05/2023 19:30

Manders64 · 22/05/2023 14:45

House is a wreck no kitchen bathroom or walls! Definitely no furniture.

Is she getting the walls from Facebook too?!!

mylifestory · 23/05/2023 19:51

TeaKitten · 22/05/2023 14:20

If she’s sofa surfing then she’s obviously broke, it’s fine if you don’t want to fund that but if it’s annoying you stop inviting her over.

not if shes doing up her house! ive had friends like this, all take take take, decide if you can put up with this, if you say something or act differently i bet she wont be yr friend anymore ....

whynotwhatknot · 23/05/2023 22:50

earns twice asmujch as you but cant get a kitchen and basics for her house

yeah ok

joycies · 23/05/2023 23:54

Manders64 · 22/05/2023 14:39

It’s been doing it up for over a year and she wants to get it done up on the cheap using friends and free stuff from Facebook.

Then she looks on you as Free stuff from Facebook. Maybe worth having a little chat about her finances. I bet you wouldn't mind all this IF she is up the creek?

BaiesRosesAmbre · 24/05/2023 01:14

Hi op.

She’s likely hard up if she’s sofa surfing. Perhaps be direct with her and ask her to pick up XYZ with her next time.

i live by the rule that you shouldn’t go to another persons house to be hosted empty handed. Flowers, wine, food, even a little thoughtful gift all count in my eyes.

PurpleParrots · 24/05/2023 01:26

Manders64 · 22/05/2023 14:08

I have friend (few years now) who is great fun and I love her company - but… she comes over often for dinner and stays over. She has often arrived empty handed and drunk and smoked and eaten here. I mentioned the mooching once and she took the hint and started arriving with a bottle of wine (which she drinks). Last night she arrived with an opened bottle of gin and some tonic saying she couldn’t find my favorite wine. We drank my wine, smoked, ate dinner and drank my whisky. She stayed over and had breakfast and took leftovers for her lunch. I then noticed she’d taken her gin and tonic with her - this has super irritated me as I feel that she’s taking liberties AIBU?

What advice would you give a poster who wrote this OP? 🤔

Multiplemum123 · 24/05/2023 01:43

Don’t invite her round. You also need to set boundaries with her. If she tries to invite herself to yours then say something.
You can keep it light hearted & say I’m always cooking for us, it’s about time you got us a takeaway? If she pleads poverty then you need to let her go. She is a freeloader