To think I'm the mum who couldn't organise a piss up in a brewary

[TiddlyToes21]

As the title suggests, I'm a disorganised kind of mum. My children are 22 months and 4.5. Dh works full time and I work part time but my job means I have to do a lot of work from home too (education job). Our home is constantly work in progress and things are everywhere but there never seems to be enough time to get much done. Dc1 has SEN too and has lots of additional needs. We have some family support but this can be inconsistent.

I look at other mums and they seem so chilled and organised in comparison to me. They seem to breeze through motherhood from the outset. I often feel like Julia from Motherland lol! I look at my friends who bring out snacks and picnics for their children, all neatly presented in little pots whilst I pull out random stuff I've grabbed out the cupboard.

One of my friends has a young baby and I've been gobsmacked by her level of organisation and calmness. When I went round last week, the house was immaculate, she had make up on, nails done, dressed beautifully, no baby mess anywhere. They even had a board up in the kitchen with their menu for everyday of the week. I still feel like I'm on survival mode most days with my two!

Over the weekend, we went out for the day and forgot to bring a couple of spare nappies. Dc2 did a poo in the one we did have and we just happened to be I'm the countryside so no immediate shops. I put her in a pair of ds's pants with one of my sanitary towels just to get home in! I doubt my organised friend would ever need to do that! Lol

I know I shouldn't compare but I look at other parents and judge myself harshly, like they're doing a better job than me.

Can anyone normalise my experiences? Would love to hear from anyone else who's a chaotic parent?

When I had one (1) immobile baby who took naps, my house was pristine, so was I. I did baby led weaning and made miniature tacos, tiny shepherd’s pies, milk puddings. I had a meal plan and clean floors; I read books and had things to talk about other than children.

I have two children now and what my daughter calls “crunchy floor”. And no SEN here! You’re doing absolutely fine. If it makes you feel better, in the early sleep-deprived newborn days with DC1, I forgot wipes when I went to the eight-week jabs – you know, the live rotavirus one that makes them poo like a demon. It was the day of the school strike for climate and I found myself in the middle of the park on the way home, baby covered in crap up to its hairline, no way of getting it clean, surrounded by teen protesters with placards and megaphones.

Two kids and an unfinished house is HARD. We’re in a fixer upper and have found we can either keep on top of the regular stuff – dishwasher, laundry, bins, tidying, food, DC activities – OR we can progress the house, whether that’s a declutter or building shelves or dismantling the shed or whatever. Every bit of house progress has a knock-on effect on the chaos because the stuff from that room has to be displaced somewhere, then the work has to be done, then you have to put everything back, then you have to clean up the dust. Then you have to catch up on all the outstanding laundry and letters from school and party invites and blah blah that got missed while you did the house thing.

It’s hard! You’re comparing that with people who have one (1) baby. Remember babies nap, and don’t move about, and don’t talk your ear off. Your friend is probably on maternity leave, not working as well. Revisit her in a year when she’s doing the juggle and see how life compares.

I’m definitely not a chaotic parent because I hate stress or feeling flustered. I’ve also absolutely never subscribed to this idea of ‘oh of course I don’t have time to do basic self care, I just throw on some ripped and dirty mismatched clothing and run out the door with my hair full of porridge.’ I think it’s so so important to prioritise time each and every day for yourself.

Do you like being chaotic/not being organised? If so then relax into it. Don’t stress about it. If not then you could look for tips to get on top of it.

I think this is a useful post for you to think about OP. In some sense, you are making a choice to be like this, and there's a slight sense of 'zany old me' compared to Perfect-Nailed New Mother. Why do you want other people to validate your behaviour by similar stories of crunchy floors and improvised nappies? If it's not working for you, change it, but if it's not causing you distress, then rock on, surely?

I mean, there's no moral aspect to this. You're not a better or a worse person for being disorganised or not wearing make-up, assuming the children are adequately fed and watered, and you're not wandering the neighbourhood with an axe at night.

I tend towards a bit of an unorganised approach, but some things that really helped when DD was little were:

• having a stash in the boot of the car - a 6 pack of fruit shoots, a couple of boxes of snack bars/crisps, a pack of wipes, a pack of nappies, a change of clothes and shoes for DD and a towel. With that it meant even if I didn't have something I needed in the nappy bag, it was in the boot of the car and I could grab it if I needed it and replenish the bag. Wellies for all of us live in the boot too because we only ever seem to need them when we've decided to unexpectedly stop somewhere and it turns out to be a mud pit.
• sorting out snack pots when I was unpacking the shopping. So I never just put the carrots in the fridge, I chopped them up, put them in pots with a bit of water to stop them drying out then they went in the fridge. That way I could just grab a pot as we were leaving the house and have fresh snacks.
• when folding the clean washing I sorted it into sets, still do this with uniform. So each set would have bottoms, top, pants and socks either all on the same hanger or folded and stored inside the top, so neat little packages. Then you just pick up a package and put it in your bag ready to go if you need to take it out. Makes packing for holiday easy too, just pick up how many packages you need for the duration you're away.
• I have a foldable laundry bag in the living room. At the end of the day all the toys they've played with and dumped get thrown in there. When it's full it goes upstairs, is emptied back into the places stuff should be and it goes back downstairs ready to be refilled.

Think of one thing that would be more organised than you are right now and do it every single day for a few weeks, set reminders if you need to, before you know it, it will have become habit and you won't think about it anymore.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Your kids are well, fed and I'm sure they are loved.

That's it 🫶🏻

Yep, it is about what you want. I became more organised when I had kids because things because I couldn't handle the stress that not being organised brought. But everyone's different with what they are comfortable with.

I am the organised parent, but a board with the weeks menus is pushing it for me. Well done to them for being so organised!

Make yourself a standard list that comes out each time you're going out, just to glance and make sure you have everything. I wouldn't worry about food in pots and stuff, that's people with more time on their hands than you. As long as there was food, it doesn't matter how its presented.

I’m certainly don’t have an immaculate self or house but I can’t cope with that level of stress so I have to put systems in place to deals with things and to make my life easier. I couldn’t live with that level of stress.

Please read 'How to Keep House While Drowning' by KC Davis. It's full of practical tips as well as psychological support.

The thing is, a lot of those things aren’t necessarily about time, it’s about how you spend your time. So, some people say they don’t have time to sort/fold/put away washing and so everything lives in baskets. But the time they spend every day searching though heaps of stuff adds up to longer than it would have taken to put it all away. Making a meal plan and doing as big shop takes time. But winging it and shopping every day for all the bits you’ve forgotten takes longer. Plus the longer way in both cases adds a lot of mental stress! So it’s not organised = superior, but maybe the organised people have looked ahead, thought about what would stress them out in the future and planned accordingly? If I used a nappy from the bag I tried to make sure I replaced it as soon as I got home. Sometimes you forget and the stress of it makes you remember for the future!

Someone said to me “if everyone’s fed and no one’s dead it’s been a successful day”!

Might sound a bit over the top but as long as the basic needs are being met sometimes you have to let the other stuff go.

From the outside I might seem organised and in control but I’m usually desperately fighting anxiety about the mess, what I need to do, what I haven’t done and 100 other things!

OP, I am quite a chaotic person but I found it relatively easy to be organised for my babies. Just get a good changing bag and pack it with nappies, wipes, a spare change of easy clothes (vest and leggings), plastic pots of breadsticks, rice crackers and some basic healthcare (savlon, sachets of calpol, mini tub of nappy rash cream, tube of teething gel) Then leave it under the pram. Don't raid it, don't touch it unless you go out. If you use stuff from it, just top the stuff up when you come home. People used to think I was organised but I really wasn't. I just managed to keep that bag topped up. The trick is to have two of everything - one for the home and one for being out and about.

A lot of this stuff is just about being your future friend and doing stuff in evenings or in downtime to make your life easier in the days ahead. For example I take maybe 20 mins once or twice a week to do a meal plan and order an online shop so that I don't have the mental load every day of deciding what to eat/running to the shop cos we don't have ingredients, etc. I stick the meal plan up in kitchen to remind me and so DH doesn't ask me 50 times a day what we are having for dinner.

If you tend to use the car to get out and about, get a bag for life one evening and stick in some non-perishable snacks and drinks, spare nappies, a change of clothes, and just too it up every so often.

If you know you are going out the next day, especially if it's early, then do as much as you can the night before: sort the changing bag, put snacks on one side, stick some clothes out for the kids.

The only thing these people are doing is choosing to use their time to make life easier/less chaotic for themselves, which is a choice you can make too! Some stuff might not be a priority, such as make-up etc, but having adequate nappies probably is so carve out the time when you aren't wrangling two kids out of the house to make sure you are fully stocked.

I appear the calm and organised parent to the rest of the world, however behind closed doors it's millions of lists, countless going round in circles cleaning doing one task and then another I spend every minute of my waking day organising everything, menus, medications, appointments I have 3 children 2 sen one extreme and is tube fed and a list as long as your arm of diagnosis and a 14 week old baby. I have no choice but to be this organised because of how much I have to get done and to meet my families needs I'd absolutely love to relax about it as I'm totally burnt out from it but my kids don't cope in an environment that's not absolutely as they need it and the extra mile with med needs, sen needs, school needs, baby needs lol I do occasionally remember to factor the self care in but that's only usually when I have to leave the house lol and then because of the pressure I feel and the judgement from others due to having sen children I do have perfect hair make up and nice clothes on I'd kill to be able to just free fall it especially as I'm diagnosed adhd so literally have a chaotic brain naturally lol. Embrace the freedom OP ✨️

I am not chaotic but I am not super organised either, I don't have perfect nails or wear make up. I couldn't be chaotic though it would stress me out too much.

Food -I do have a meal plan board in the kitchen 😑but it makes me organised. I do online food shopping once a week. I decide what we will eat for that week and get ingredients I need. It doesn't have to be rigid, I can swap days around but having it written down mostly means I don't have to think during the day what will I do for dinner. I have little pots which I put in some of our dinner and freeze for DS.

Laundry - once there is a load it goes on. If I let it pile up it quickly gets out of hand.

Toys - I have a large box in the sitting room where the toys can be shovelled back into at the end of the day and a basket for books. Teddys go against the wall. Take 2 mins.

Cordless hoover - I hoover the sitting room/ kitchen and hall every day. With the cordless it takes about 5 mins.

Clean as you go. If the kitchen work top needs a quick wipe, do it.

Dishwasher - even if it will reduce the products life, if it is dishwasher safe it goes in there.

Nappy bag - when we get home I restock it and leave it by the door.

Self care - once a week I do a facemask after my shower. Every month I get my eyebrows done, I think it makes my face look a lot nicer.

I used to be somewhat chaotic but having children made me much more organised.

I think you need to decide what you actually want. If you like your identity as a chaotic, disorganised person, that's fine. If you'd like to be more organised, it's not that hard. It doesn't have to be one extreme or the other (perfect house and nails done v fashioning a nappy out of an old sanitary towel).

You might find being more organised will help once your DC are at school (or once they've been there longer). Having a basic system makes like much easier (eg checking book bag for notes daily, keeping a paper diary of events and checking it regularly). It's not much fun for kids whose parents don't keep up with the basics at school (remembering to get the form in so they can go on the trip, remembering which day is non-uniform day etc) so it's worth getting on top of things before that.

I've reminded myself of a conversation I had once with a friend who was being sneery about "super organised" mums who put all the school dates into their diary at the start of term, and having to explain that this was something I did, and that a lot of what looks like being super-organised is actually just a naturally disorganised person who has managed to find a system that they can use to be a bit less disorganised.

I'd like to add the perspective of a child growing up with a somewhat disorganised, benevolently chaotic mother - I adored my childhood. The sense of freedom and the creativity that inspired our play from our messy house, the lack of stress around keeping everything immaculate, the focus on things that mattered rather than on order and regiment. I know my mum feels guilty that she wasn't more organised and tidy etc., but I adored my childhood. It was so fun and colourful. Not perfect, of course, but I just wanted to say this to make the point that children don't care about everything being perfectly organised. In fact, I'd say that children can thrive with (the right type of) chaos and messiness. Not talking hoarder levels or chaos in a bad way, but I don't think children need perfection, tidiness and orderliness around them at all times.

@Sprinkles211 I have a diagnosis of ADHD too!

If you have ADHD then I find the Rock the Housework guided cleans and other like stuff amazing. She has other stuff on there such as sessions about being your future friend, preparing for the future week ahead, etc. You just put headphones in and do what you're told, no scope for wandering off or getting distracted and doing something else.

https://www.rockthehousework.co.uk/

It's the best £3 or something a month I spend!

What are you on about, woman? The fanny pad was a genius idea

(the right type of) chaos and messiness

I think this is really key. @tattygrl your mum sounds great, but it sounds as if she had lots of great qualities that made her so. Not everyone who is chaotic is also creative, colourful and fun- it's possible to be a chaotic, boring arsehole, sadly (not saying you are, op!) And of course some people are creative, colourful, fun and organised- I don't think people divide into two tribes.

I think it massively depends on how YOU feel about your life and whether your children are coping and thriving.

So for example, I've also never been the parent who has carefully cut up perfect snack-preparation in handy little tubs. Because I just don't care enough. In most cases, an organix snack bar and an apple were fine and as they've got older, I just expect them to wait or buy them something. I genuinely do not believe my children suffer/ed as a result of this.

DH, who is not organised, knew that DS needed very specific nappies, clothes etc when he was younger so he learnt to have a "go bag" that was ready at all times, and DH had a list on his phone to check it on a regular basis because both him and DS suffered if he went out without the bag appropriately filled.

I hate meal planning with a passion but I do it as a way to reduce the amount of ad hoc shopping we have to do and so that I don't have to spend the day distracted trying to plan dinner. Right now, I have no idea what we're having for dinner but I do know that I have previously planned it and it's written down and we have the ingredients so at dinner time I will go and remind myself and prepare it. That works for me. Pre kids, that would have made me want to kill myself as I quite liked planning meals ad hoc and doing ad hoc shopping.

I don’t think it’s of any harm for your kids for you to be disorganised, but what about you? If you want time to do your nails and makeup or whatever then you should be able to have that time for yourself!

Oh absolutely. I think I just wanted to highlight the positives that not being orderly can actually bring to a childhood. It's definitely complex.