To think I'm the mum who couldn't organise a piss up in a brewary

[TiddlyToes21]

As the title suggests, I'm a disorganised kind of mum. My children are 22 months and 4.5. Dh works full time and I work part time but my job means I have to do a lot of work from home too (education job). Our home is constantly work in progress and things are everywhere but there never seems to be enough time to get much done. Dc1 has SEN too and has lots of additional needs. We have some family support but this can be inconsistent.

I look at other mums and they seem so chilled and organised in comparison to me. They seem to breeze through motherhood from the outset. I often feel like Julia from Motherland lol! I look at my friends who bring out snacks and picnics for their children, all neatly presented in little pots whilst I pull out random stuff I've grabbed out the cupboard.

One of my friends has a young baby and I've been gobsmacked by her level of organisation and calmness. When I went round last week, the house was immaculate, she had make up on, nails done, dressed beautifully, no baby mess anywhere. They even had a board up in the kitchen with their menu for everyday of the week. I still feel like I'm on survival mode most days with my two!

Over the weekend, we went out for the day and forgot to bring a couple of spare nappies. Dc2 did a poo in the one we did have and we just happened to be I'm the countryside so no immediate shops. I put her in a pair of ds's pants with one of my sanitary towels just to get home in! I doubt my organised friend would ever need to do that! Lol

I know I shouldn't compare but I look at other parents and judge myself harshly, like they're doing a better job than me.

Can anyone normalise my experiences? Would love to hear from anyone else who's a chaotic parent?

The key is working out what you need to complete tasks. Once I finally learned and understood how my brain operated, I put in place mechanisms that make it as easy as possible for me to do stuff. I need structure and guidance, I need specific things to do and tasks to accomplish. I can't just say 'Right I'm going to do some sorting for tomorrow', I have to follow a list of things I need to do and tick them off. So I have various ways of doing that that mean I stay on task. I also prioritised what was important to me - not feeling chaotic and flustered; the house in a good state for random visitors; kids' stuff organised; making my daytimes easy by doing what I am in the evenings. I don't really care about makeup and hair or clothes. As long as I'm clean in clean clothes that's fine for me on a daily basis, but if that's one of your priorities then you need to put mechanisms in place to allow you to do it.

Similar to @tattygrl I grew up with quite a chaotic mum. Lovely, but chaotic (she still is). The level of chaos in my house was notorious among my friends. I had a great childhood but as I got older I did start to find the chaos frustrating. My mum herself seemed to swing between being pretty content in her chaos and being really irritated by it. That is something I think I found a bit hard to process as a child. Either way it has led to me being the opposite, and being super organised and easily stressed by chaos. Funnily enough my grandma was incredibly organised so it’s almost like my mum became the opposite of that.

Also the key to a tidy home is everything having a home. When stuff doesn't have a place to live, mess just gets moved around. This was another embarrassingly late in life discovery for me, but now we made sure all DDs' toys have somewhere to go etc so that tidying isn't actually difficult because we know where we need to put stuff. And yes to big toy crates or bags that you just chuck things into at the end of the day. Takes less than a minute even if the room looks like a crime scene and they can be sorted later or just left in the bag till the next time.

I prioritise being organised when the kids are in bed because when they're awake I don't have a spare minute to think.

So every evening I check the nappy bag has both sets of nappies, wipes, a change of clothes and snacks because its either that or trying to remember to grab something essential before I leave the house with a screaming baby and a grumpy toddler.

I have to keep on top of laundry because the baby goes through 3 outfit changes a day and I have at least 1, so its that or we're all naked or covered with vomit (yay reflux). Some days we do anyway but at least this boosts my chances.

And finally, I genuinely don't understand how anyone can feed a family without a meal plan. Perhaps I lack imagination but if I had to choose dinner last minute every evening we'd eat beans on toast and omelette on rotation.

Yes! There’s so much I want and like to eat but I’m half dead by the evening and can only ever think of oven food. And I HATE the “what’s for dinner?” question so much! So, meal plan. As well as the whiteboard on the fridge for this we have a printed list of meals we like, with the version in brackets lest DP goes rogue – eg sausage pasta (Jamie Oliver), Greek salad (Felicity Cloake). The list makes making the meal plan easier during brain-fried-tired moments. Just pick 5-6 things, some of which should do for leftovers meals. No thinking required beyond the writing of the original list, a one-off task.

Sleep is my nemesis. I struggle to sleep at night then struggle to wake in the morning. If I don't sleep and get up early I just end up falling asleep after tea on the sofa or so exhausted I can't do what I need to. And it's not about being terribly busy. I have 3 kids and I do two volunteer jobs and Uni but the kids are I school 9-3 and I don't work buy the procrastination and lassitude are definitely my worst traits

And yes to written reminders, we put notes on bedroom doors re new medicine routines for example. We couldn't 'just do it' we had to make it a habit/routine with reminders. Once it became routine we no longer need the note (although of course it's still on the wall 2 years later because there's no habit for clearing up obsolete signs 😂). Knowing how your mind works and how you can hack it is key.

I am extremely well organised and never late, chiefly because I hate stress and dislike being unprepared. I can never understand people who procrastinate and perpetually forget things, it must make life so annoying.

If something has to be done at some point I would just rather get on with it rather than leave it until the last minute when time is hort. . Similarly when I have people over for meals I always plan a menu that can mostly be done in advance and doesn’t require complicated last minute cooking or carving. I hate it when you go to someone’s house and they’re stressing out over the food and you don’t eat until 10pm - not fun.

And people who are perpetually late are just rude.

Being organised is a real skill OP. Even those naturally inclined towards it have to work at it.

I feel like lots of people assume those who are organised have much more time on their hands or its a natural skill, because that somehow excuses everyone else from being organised too. Actually it's just that those people have put effort in and it saves them time / energy / stress in the long run

People think I'm organised. I'm not really. what I am, however, is very good at tracking and keeping data and problem solving. So I couldn't tell you one day from the next when the next party is, where it is, or whose it is.... but I will have put it in the diary the minute I agreed to it and then will, if necessary, zip to a shop and purchase the gift in the half hour before.

Similarly, if I have lots of changing things going on, I will copy and paste the email into a notes app so that when I need the information, I can find it easily.

I don't really care how other people organise or don't organise things, but I do find it infuriating when parents expect me or others to sort them out because they can't be bothered.

OP - if you turn up with a packet of crisps you've grabbed from the kitchen rather than some lovingly prepared gourmet snack, fine. If you turn up with a starving child and I have to share my child's food with yours or deal with your child whining constantly, not fine. Similarly, please don't call me because you don't seem to be able to read, or find, the letters from school with information re mufti days or school holidays.

Your DC has sen...you can't use neurotypical families as a benchmark or you will feel like a failure!

I'm guessing ADHD or autism...you know those are often inherited? So perhaps you have some executive functioning issues yourself and are doing a bloody amazing job and actually putting in 3 times the effort of all those mums who look so organised.

In my own case, the biggest barrier to organisation with an autistic child is the impact of autism on sleep. Most parents of NT children get an extra hour or two of free time in the evening because the children sleep better...if you multiply that across a year, think of all the extra time you would have to 'be organised' and cut yourself some slack.

The other thing that helps me is a message thread with myself. I plan on paper, but if I see something that needs doing or DH tells me something (we work together) and I can't do it right then or write it down I WhatsApp it to myself. That is then a running list.

What I struggle with is what isn't in front of me. So where I spend most of my time, the main living area, is normally 95 percent tidy and organised. But the areas I don't see as much (upstairs) aren't as I only remember when I go up and that is normally at bedtime. Same with some areas of the garden, I forget about them till I pass through them to do something else. So I noticed earlier that the front lawn needed a mow but I didn't have time then, so whatsapped it to myself as I walked past so when I check again it will remind me. Not sure if that makes sense. An object permanence thing, a bit like a toddler 😂

We’ve all been there. I love my true mom friends… they walk in and I apologise about the mess, and they go… thank god, that’s what it looks like at mine.
when we all just one child we swapped recipe ideas for healthy, homemade snacks that we would bring and share… once our second ones arrived we shared which shop at snacks on offer…

@SleepingStandingUp

Does your partner/spouse/kid dad pull their weight too? I find that’s the big dirty secret a lot of people don’t want to hear. You cannot row the whole family boat with just one arm. Too often I think mums take it all on themselves/are expected to take it all on themselves.

To be fair I do sleep really well. When my son was going through a bad sleeping phase (and he is autistic so bad sleeping phase means no sleep rather than wakes up a bit early) I was much less organised. I genuinely think I turn into a completely different person if I don’t get enough sleep.

I don't think you sound like a chaotic parent. Most people have forgotten a nappy once or twice.

What's wrong with snacks out of packets? Your kids still get fed. Who cares if someone else's snack is in Tupperware.

Houses are a work in progress and you're juggling a busy job and two little kids, one with SEN.

I think people are really being harsh on you intimating that you aren't good enough and really could have a manicure if only you TRIED.

You sound normal.

That's good.

"OP - if you turn up with a packet of crisps you've grabbed from the kitchen rather than some lovingly prepared gourmet snack, fine. If you turn up with a starving child and I have to share mychild's food with yours or deal with your child whining constantly, not fine. Similarly, please don't call me because you don't seem to be able to read, or find, the letters from school with information re mufti days or school holidays."

You sound nice.

I don't see the point in stressing tbh. This whole nappy bag thing is so stressful to me. My friend (who is v type A and lovely) cannot physically leave the house without the bag with 2 changes of clothes for all of them, calpol, wipes, snacks, plasters, sunglasses, gloves, a hat. The kids are both in school!

I can genuinely say I've never been in a situation where I'm not five minutes from a tesco and can pop in for any eventualities. If we get a bit muddy then we will be going home eventually. If you run out of wipes take them to the toilet and put them under the tap. If the kids need a snack generally I need one too so we might as well stop for coffee and cake, we don't really eat on the go. If we go to the beach spontaneously then they get stripped in the car and dunked in the bath when they get home. If we are going out somewhere they can shove a toy in my bag buy generally that's all I carry for them.

I don't see the point in stressing tbh. This whole nappy bag thing is so stressful to me. My friend (who is v type A and lovely) cannot physically leave the house without the bag with 2 changes of clothes for all of them, calpol, wipes, snacks, plasters, sunglasses, gloves, a hat. The kids are both in school!

I mean there is a balance though. I think that’s what I was trying to say on page one - it isn’t ‘oh I just rinse my baby’s shit off under the tap then wrap them in a sanitary pad ha ha what am I like’ or ‘I must pack calpol and outfit changes and toys and gourmet snacks for my 11 year old since we’re walking to the bottom of the driveway.’

I'm very impressed with how resourceful you are!! Sanitary pads in pants. That's brilliant!!

I always carry a massive rucksack around with me that has everything I might need and everything I have ever needed. I rarely remove stuff but at random add stuff if I think I might have run out. It means I usually have most things that I need. And so what if I carried a bottle of sun screen over the entire winter (and a very mouldy banana...).

Huge hugs (from one disorganized mum to another)

@Kanaloa it's all relative though, baby wipes are a convenience item that not everyone choose to use. They may be seen as an absolute necessity in the UK but when I lived in the middle East when my babies were young it was very common for babies to be washed in the sinks, similar to how they would not use toilet paper but a spray.

Another organised mum here who lives with an organised dad so even if one of us drops the ball the other will pick it up. House is clean and tidy and I love a picnic! However, we are quite skint so we need to take a picnic so we can afford an ice cream or treat on a day out. Meal planning is necessary so we don't waste money and we all have pack ups for school and work. For me though, my other half is key, he cracks on just like I do so things feel pretty chilled. I cant cope with chaos. I dont judge the mums who whip out the meal deal on a picnic though, i envy them and wish I could wing it sometimes.

I’m jealous of the ones with organised partners! I’m the Type A organiser in the relationship and DP is an ADHD chaos gremlin. This has become abundantly clear in the past year when I’ve been out of action with a difficult pregnancy and now a sleepless baby.

I thought of this thread this morning as I unloaded and stacked the dishwasher, made breakfast and made the coffee (in fairness DP won the prize of 3x poonami full outfit changes while listening to older DC’s chatter): when I had evenings, it was automatic to me to “reset” the house after the day – kitchen clean and clear, coffee pot set up so we just have to flick the hob on in the morning, dishwasher emptied if at the end of a cycle or put on if not, etc etc. Part of DP’s disorganisation is he can’t see the consequences of X, only the reward of Y: eg don’t reset the kitchen, consequence is chaotic morning – hasn’t sunk in over 15 years. Don’t reset the kitchen, reward is more evening time to play computer games – ingrained habit. (We’re working on both the baby sleep and DP! Who does do 50% but just at the wrong times.)

OP, the reset mindset also applies to changing bags, prams, everything. Also called “closing the task”: if you’ve been out for the day and used things from the changing bag, reset it with fresh nappies, wipes, outfits when you come home, not when you’re next going out. If you do a task such as washing up, close it off by drying and putting away. Give the DC a bath? Rinse it out afterwards, hang up wet towels, put clothes in basket, squeeze out flannels and put in wash. Leaving the task open just means a build-up of chaos later down the line. Applies to both adults in the relationship, obv!

Right, but clearly it wasn’t op’s intention, was it? Unless you think wherever she lives it’s ideal for a child to wear underpants with a sanitary towel. If you prefer to wash your child with water (I often did, especially for poo) then that’s a choice. If you’re rinsing them under a tap then wrapping them in a sanitary towel because you don’t have the proper supplies that’s not a choice, it’s disorganisation.

I've found all the replies really interesting. There definitely seems to be more organised than disorganised parents going by this thread. There are some things that I would like to improve in our lives and make things easier.

I'm not sure if it's my ADHD or what but I tend to just do the basics (clean kitchen, bathrooms, etc. make sure everyone's fed, clothed, washed, all the essentials) but the idea of sorting clothes and toys into set drawers or boxes or writing a weekly meal plan, just doesn't interest me.

We have a routine but also live quite spontaneously too. So if it's a lovely evening, we'll leave all the washing up and tidying and go down to the seafront, gey the children an ice cream, walk on the beach. Bedtime might be 8.30 instead of 8 but we're not rigid and don't want to be. I have friends who would freak out at that idea of spontaneity.

I'm in conflict with myself as I see 'better' parents as the organised ones and it makes me feel inadequate as that sort of parent fits in better or conforms to more of an ideal somehow. However the other part of me loves being a bit different. My children know how to be flexible and adapt because we can be very resourceful and spontaneous. I know my ADHD means I have a certain amount of boredom and restlessness. Being organised feels boring in many ways when my brain is yearning for stimulation. As an example, I could sort out a pile of washing but instead I make choose to list stuff on Facebook marketplace or doing painting with the children.

I don't know if any of this makes sense? Lol

@SimplyFed thank you!

Sounds just like me. And I do the same with bananas! The amount of black bananas I've found in bags over the years. Oh dear, haha.

Hugs to you too