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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay half the mortgage?

116 replies

2Servings · 22/05/2023 12:00

Me and my OH have split up.
He announced there was no longer any love and refused to talk about it.

After a few weeks of this I said fine I'll leave. I don't want to waste my life with someone who doesn't love me.

I took my children (mine not his) and moved out. He is still there with his 2 adult children. I am sleeping in the living room as couldn't afford anywhere with enough bedrooms. Children have a room each. Age, gender means not appropriate for them to share.

He is expecting me to pay my half of the mortgage. I know its still my responsibility, but I felt he forced us out, upended our lives. I'm now sleeping on a sofa. He is getting what he wants, no change or disruption, still in the nice house etc..

He earns more than me, plus he could ask his adult children to pay some board.

I now have my own rent and new bills to pay.

I don't want to pay my half of the mortgage (until the house sells).

AIBU?

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 22/05/2023 18:00

I'm going to go against the grain and say no. You're having to house yourself and the dc and can't afford it. Yes you're still liable for the debt if your dh can't pay the full amount, but what's the option, you move back in? He can't have it both ways, you can't house yourself and cover 100% of those costs AND pay half the house costs.

In your shoes op I'd seek legal advice and kick off the divorce and discuss what's going to happen with the house long term, can he buy you out or do you sell and split the costs.

Is he paying cm? You could say that whilst he's paying 100% of the mortgage you don't claim cm. Then when it's sorted and the house has been agreed he starts paying cm.

shammalammadingdong · 22/05/2023 18:04

Please ignore the people saying that you can rely on joint or severable liability and not pay it. It will screw up your credit rating and his, which is important for your future. If you earn less than him, it will affect you more.

Do not ignore them, as we are completely correct. IF he continues to pay the mortgage, nothing at all will happen to anyones credit rating. If he doesn't, they will chase him first for payment as he's in the house.
Only if he stops paying the mortgage do you have a problem.

When a couple splits and one stays in the house, it is very common for that person to pay the whole mortgage.

Nevermind31 · 22/05/2023 18:04

You pay your half of the mortgage. You charge him rent on your half of the house (as he now has a whole house)

TheHandmaiden · 22/05/2023 18:48

@shammalammadingdong we obviously disagree here! The easiest way for the OH is to do what others have done - call the bank, explain that half payment will be made, and refer on to the ex for the other half!

Anyway, get a deal OP with a lawyer and writing. If you don't, this will go south immediately as soon as the ex doesn't pay so what he will do, and what I would do is take any mortgage payments off whatever division you get or try to arrange later.

FarmGirl78 · 22/05/2023 19:13

There is something legal about him possibly needing to pay you 'rent' as compensation as you have a beneficial interest in a property you aren't able to occupy. It's called something like 'TOLATA'. I'm not 100% sure of the ins and outs, but we managed to used it in a woolly fashion to blag an ex not to pursue a half payment of the mortgage.....eg The "rent" compensation would cancel out the share of the mortgage. I could be wrong, but it's worth trying. Especially as he has adult children living there. If you carry on paying he has no real incentive to get his act together with selling.

As for "I don't care if we default on the mortgage"......no no no, you'd be nuts if you go down this path. You'd struggle to get a rental, credit in the future, mobile phone contract etc. It's just not worth it. If you're not going to pay your share of the mortgage then at least be ready to jump in if he stops paying.

Starseeking · 22/05/2023 20:46

shammalammadingdong · 22/05/2023 13:50

Why do people think OP not paying is defaulting on the mortgage? He can pay it. He'd be mad not to, in fact.

I dont think most people here know how mortgages work.

OP has stated that her EX is expecting her to pay half the mortgage. If she doesn't, and based on what OP has written about him, he doesn't sound like the kind of person who will say "oh no worries, I'll just pay your half then".

This means they will default on mortgage payments in month 1. If they continue to do that every month thereafter, the lender can take action, which could result in OP's credit rating being decimated.

The most sensible option (not necessarily comfortable option) is for OP move back in and start the sale process asap. Her EX could even decide to stop paying his half of the mortgage altogether!

shammalammadingdong · 22/05/2023 21:47

Starseeking · 22/05/2023 20:46

OP has stated that her EX is expecting her to pay half the mortgage. If she doesn't, and based on what OP has written about him, he doesn't sound like the kind of person who will say "oh no worries, I'll just pay your half then".

This means they will default on mortgage payments in month 1. If they continue to do that every month thereafter, the lender can take action, which could result in OP's credit rating being decimated.

The most sensible option (not necessarily comfortable option) is for OP move back in and start the sale process asap. Her EX could even decide to stop paying his half of the mortgage altogether!

Show quote history

It sounds like he, like the majority of people in that situation, will want her to pay but if she doesn't, he will.

Hardly anyone with the ability to pay their mortgage willingly loses it. You're really not making any sense.
Who in their right mind is going to not pay even though they can, lose their home, wreck their credit, and risk bankruptcy, when they are perfectly able to pay the mortgage.
Don't be so daft.

Starseeking · 22/05/2023 21:57

It doesn't sound like that to me at all. In fact, the OP has stated she herself does not care if the mortgage defaults, despite the situation it would leave her in if her EX also refuses to pay.

People can behave irrationally at times of high stress, and you have no idea what the OP's EX will do to spite her, even if it hurts him as well.

One last thing, I take issue with you dismissing my post as daft. if you're going to be so rude in responding, I suggest you leave me out of your quoting.

SW2002 · 22/05/2023 22:55

Don't default on the mortgage however much you may feel like it. BIL did this 12 years ago after an acrimonious break up and is STILL haunts him.

There were a few other messy financial things too but the upshot is that despite earning well over £100k a year and having plenty of cash his credit rating is still absolutely rock bottom! He can't buy and most private landlords wont touch him as he fails all the credit checks. He lives in one of mine and DW's rental properties (all fine, pays rent on time at his insistence and there are no worries!).

Keep up your end of the payments and you'll get it back when you sell. I don't know how you have structured things on the deeds but if you own 50/50 of the house as opposed to jointly owning 100% then you may be able to legally charge him rent on your half of the house.

Also, if you default on your end for long enough and he makes it up there's a possibility in the future he may be able to go to court and get the house off you or get your share of the payout reduced.

Berthatydfil · 22/05/2023 22:58

You pay half the mortgage and he pays you rent for your unused half a house. Wonder which is the biggest figure?

Vodkaislethal · 23/05/2023 08:54

Berthatydfil · 22/05/2023 22:58

You pay half the mortgage and he pays you rent for your unused half a house. Wonder which is the biggest figure?

On what planet does this happen ?

cestlavielife · 23/05/2023 11:30

This planet. As pp said When a couple splits and one stays in the house, it is very common for that person to pay the whole mortgage.
He is benefitying from the house and can afgord the mortgage
Op is now paying rent on another house
On what planet should she pay for her ex accomodation ?
If he stops paying then push quick sale.
One missed payment is not a default she will have warning.

euff · 23/05/2023 12:31

Do you think he will take his time with the sale if things are comfortable for him with you struggling to pay half the mortgage and house and fees your kids elsewhere? I have no idea where you stand with these things but if you aren't actually able to pay the mortgage on top of everything else then perhaps an incentive to get a quick sale by saying if sold in 6 months ( for example) you will back pay from your share of the equity?

It would stick in my throat to have to struggle to pay in your particular circumstances. He could have moved out with his adult children not forced you out with your little ones.

Iyiyiiii · 23/05/2023 14:47

cestlavielife · 23/05/2023 11:30

This planet. As pp said When a couple splits and one stays in the house, it is very common for that person to pay the whole mortgage.
He is benefitying from the house and can afgord the mortgage
Op is now paying rent on another house
On what planet should she pay for her ex accomodation ?
If he stops paying then push quick sale.
One missed payment is not a default she will have warning.

He is benefitying from the house and can afgord the mortgage - yes
Op is now paying rent on another house - yes

But did Ex force OP to leave? or was it 'her choice'.
Technically, the op chose to leave (as it was horrible there) so the 'remainer' should technically not be liable

cestlavielife · 23/05/2023 15:04

The remainer has a responsibility to their joint dc
Op wants to sell up so if the remainer wsnts to stay he needs to pay mortgage as he is benefitying from the property. Depending where they are the entire mortgage might be cheaper than her rent . Not to mention his two adult dc living there, they can pay something

FartSock5000 · 23/05/2023 15:41

@2Servings I say f*ck him and his leech crotch spawn. Adults banding together to force you out? Why, so they can sook on Daddies teat rather than make their own way in the world? Pr1cks.

How dare they treat you like this? They KNEW you'd be more vulnerable and they didn't care so why should you show them any care?

I wouldn't pay a penny to the mortgage either. He can cover it.

What I would do is present to your local council ASAP for housing, apply for any benefits you may be entitled to and arrange a day to empty the house of all the big ticket furnishings. You take the tv, sofa and the towels. 😈

He can always claim a bigger share from the sale of the house to recoup his costs but you have children and cannot wait months for a resolution.

F*ck him and look out for yourself only.

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