Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay half the mortgage?

116 replies

2Servings · 22/05/2023 12:00

Me and my OH have split up.
He announced there was no longer any love and refused to talk about it.

After a few weeks of this I said fine I'll leave. I don't want to waste my life with someone who doesn't love me.

I took my children (mine not his) and moved out. He is still there with his 2 adult children. I am sleeping in the living room as couldn't afford anywhere with enough bedrooms. Children have a room each. Age, gender means not appropriate for them to share.

He is expecting me to pay my half of the mortgage. I know its still my responsibility, but I felt he forced us out, upended our lives. I'm now sleeping on a sofa. He is getting what he wants, no change or disruption, still in the nice house etc..

He earns more than me, plus he could ask his adult children to pay some board.

I now have my own rent and new bills to pay.

I don't want to pay my half of the mortgage (until the house sells).

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheHandmaiden · 22/05/2023 13:58

I missed the fact you have children under 18. In which case, I would be clear he can pay nearly all of it. You might pay some interest.

Get legal advice.

Lapland123 · 22/05/2023 14:00

I wonder why you moved out. He doesn’t have dependent children. Is telling him you are moving back in an option? Let him move it, his adult children can do what they want as they are adults…

MumLass · 22/05/2023 14:04

OP in this case I think I would be moving back in. To be honest I can see why you did but moving out was hasty. You are the one with dependent children, it was crazy to move out.

Swansandcustard · 22/05/2023 14:04

The moral question and the legal question are two very different things. Advising OP of what is morally justifiable leaves her wide open to screwing up legally.

OP, your reactions are naturally emotional but I’m afraid you need to put that on hold and get this properly agreed, via a solicitor.

Tandora · 22/05/2023 14:17

YANBU at all OP. Seek legal advice to protect yourself, but it’s absolutely not reasonable for you to be funding him and his kids to have sole use of the house, while you and your kids are paying rent elsewhere. What a nasty piece of work he is.

towriteyoumustlive · 22/05/2023 14:25

Dear <ex>,
On <date> you ended our relationship. It is unreasonable to expect us to continue living under the same roof given you have made it clear you no longer love me, so I had no choice but to move out.
I am more than happy to pay half the mortgage, but as we need two properties due to your decision, you will also need to pay half the rent on the property I'm having to live in.
I'm happy for the property to be sold ASAP so please let me know when it is convenient this week to discuss the sale of the house.
Best wishes,
YOU

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 14:29

That is very unfair that you have to pay rent as well as mortgage when he is just paying his half of the mortgage. I think your rent and the mortgage should be added together and divided in half.

tara66 · 22/05/2023 14:32

You seem to be basing very important and and far reaching financial decisions on your hurt feelings regarding love and not being invited to a party! People hoping and /or planning to divorce often live in same house as each other until such time as the final financial settlement is made.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 22/05/2023 14:42

You need to pay it if you are still living there. But if you are not and he is, then he owes you rent (presuming you own half) and therefore he needs to pay it in leu of the rent he owes you. Why are you sleeping in the living room when you are paying rent elsewhere?

pigsDOfly · 22/05/2023 15:12

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but you really need to get legal advice OP.

If he is not agreeing to the house being sold or buying you out then your best recourse is to try to force a sale, but obviously you need a solicitor for that.

Yes, it's very unfair that you are legally obliged to pay half the mortgage but you moved out, which probably wasn't the best thing to do but it's done now. If he still expects you to pay your half, then you're obliged to pay it. Defaulting on the mortgage at this point is probably not in your best interests.

pollykitty · 22/05/2023 15:26

towriteyoumustlive · 22/05/2023 14:25

Dear <ex>,
On <date> you ended our relationship. It is unreasonable to expect us to continue living under the same roof given you have made it clear you no longer love me, so I had no choice but to move out.
I am more than happy to pay half the mortgage, but as we need two properties due to your decision, you will also need to pay half the rent on the property I'm having to live in.
I'm happy for the property to be sold ASAP so please let me know when it is convenient this week to discuss the sale of the house.
Best wishes,
YOU

THIS.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 22/05/2023 15:38

2Servings · 22/05/2023 13:12

Apologies if I wasn't clear. My question is this, am I being reasonable to say to him

"you created this situation, you have what you want i.e me gone, you can pay the full mortgage until the house sells. You have the privilege and luxury of the house all to yourself, you pay for it"

If he didn't want that. Him and his adult children should have though about that before they alienated me and my younger children in our own home.

Literally everything changed. I considered these people my family. Just days after telling me, they had a birthday celebration we were completely not included in.

They have combined income of more than double mine, nearer to triple actually.

These are my reasons.

People get what you are asking and have answered you but you continue to focus on a very narrow point of view. You are free to say whatever you want to him thag doesn’t mean he will accept, and if he says no you are still liable as others have already said.

And as others have rightfully point out while it’s understandable to be upset you should be careful not to make rash decisions that cut your nose to spite your face.

While you are right the relationship was probably over you should have taken time to plan your exit rather than rashly decide to leave then realize you don’t have anywhere to go, so you move your kids to the sitting room, then you realize you can’t afford rent and the mortgage and now want to see if you can wriggle out of paying using the argument he got what he wanted. He did not kick you out you choose to move out.

Naunet · 22/05/2023 15:38

He clearly doesn’t want you to live there so I’d tell him I’ll pay half but I’m moving back in and expect half the bedrooms (as in if it’s a 4 bed house, 2 are for you and your kids). Or, he can live there alone and pay the full mortgage and you’ll be gracious enough not to change him and his kids rent.
He thinks he has all the power, he doesn’t.

MammaTo · 22/05/2023 15:42

If you’re named on the mortgage you’re both legally liable to pay the mortgage.

It’ll destroy both of your credit ratings if you don’t pay and you won’t pass rental property credit searches or get a new mortgage in the future so it’s best to keep up the payments.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/05/2023 16:03

My ex husband moved out and stopped paying his share of the mortgage. Absolutely no comeback on him whatsoever. The mortgage company just want the mortgage paid. I'd be looking to force a sale asap so that you can rebuild your life.

NumberTheory · 22/05/2023 16:10

2Servings · 22/05/2023 13:12

Apologies if I wasn't clear. My question is this, am I being reasonable to say to him

"you created this situation, you have what you want i.e me gone, you can pay the full mortgage until the house sells. You have the privilege and luxury of the house all to yourself, you pay for it"

If he didn't want that. Him and his adult children should have though about that before they alienated me and my younger children in our own home.

Literally everything changed. I considered these people my family. Just days after telling me, they had a birthday celebration we were completely not included in.

They have combined income of more than double mine, nearer to triple actually.

These are my reasons.

This is perfectly reasonable OP. And it’s what happens in many cases when people break up. If he refuses you may need to consider the longer term effect on your financial position.

Is he taking any steps to get the house sold? You want that to be happening ASAP as the mortgage is a millstone around your neck now. If he seems reluctant you’ll need to see a solicitor to try and force a sale. It seems expensive but it’s important to get the loose ends tied up because things like that can really come back to bite you long term.

Beautiful3 · 22/05/2023 16:26

If you own half, then yes you have to pay your half. Even if you moved out, you're still liable for it.

shammalammadingdong · 22/05/2023 16:29

Beautiful3 · 22/05/2023 16:26

If you own half, then yes you have to pay your half. Even if you moved out, you're still liable for it.

If she doesn't, or can't, pay.....he is liable for it.

shammalammadingdong · 22/05/2023 16:32

MammaTo · 22/05/2023 15:42

If you’re named on the mortgage you’re both legally liable to pay the mortgage.

It’ll destroy both of your credit ratings if you don’t pay and you won’t pass rental property credit searches or get a new mortgage in the future so it’s best to keep up the payments.

Only if NEITHER of them pay it. If OP doesn't pay but he does, there is no affect on anyones credit rating.

the bank don't care who pays, as long as someone pays.

Devondonkey · 22/05/2023 17:25

Can't you also charge him rent for your half of the house? That would offset the mortgage a bit (NB I have no legal knowledge!)

TheHandmaiden · 22/05/2023 17:32

I assume you aren't married and this makes a big difference in terms of what could happen.

If not married, then you should consider getting the property valued, he can buy out your share for an agreed sum (assuming some equity) and he will take total responsibility for the mortgage.

Please ignore the people saying that you can rely on joint or severable liability and not pay it. It will screw up your credit rating and his, which is important for your future. If you earn less than him, it will affect you more.

HelpMeGetThrough · 22/05/2023 17:36

I also don't really care if we default on the mortgage.

Well then be prepared for a hell of a ride attempting to get any form of credit in the future. That includes renting a property too.

You more than care.

HelpMeGetThrough · 22/05/2023 17:37

HelpMeGetThrough · 22/05/2023 17:36

I also don't really care if we default on the mortgage.

Well then be prepared for a hell of a ride attempting to get any form of credit in the future. That includes renting a property too.

You more than care.

That should say...

You should more than care.

Weedoormatnomore · 22/05/2023 17:46

Good luck. I can understand you not paying and would probably do the same. few of my mates got left in the house when exes left never got a penny towards the mortgage which they struggled to pay. Nothing ever happened to them fir nit paying.

Swipe left for the next trending thread