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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay half the mortgage?

116 replies

2Servings · 22/05/2023 12:00

Me and my OH have split up.
He announced there was no longer any love and refused to talk about it.

After a few weeks of this I said fine I'll leave. I don't want to waste my life with someone who doesn't love me.

I took my children (mine not his) and moved out. He is still there with his 2 adult children. I am sleeping in the living room as couldn't afford anywhere with enough bedrooms. Children have a room each. Age, gender means not appropriate for them to share.

He is expecting me to pay my half of the mortgage. I know its still my responsibility, but I felt he forced us out, upended our lives. I'm now sleeping on a sofa. He is getting what he wants, no change or disruption, still in the nice house etc..

He earns more than me, plus he could ask his adult children to pay some board.

I now have my own rent and new bills to pay.

I don't want to pay my half of the mortgage (until the house sells).

AIBU?

OP posts:
OlderandwiserMaybe · 22/05/2023 13:34

I agree with a previous poster. Sorry @2Servings but MN has a tendency to give you multiple different opinions which may not be helpful.
Go to a solicitor and get some proper advice. Whilst it may feel unjust - you do still have responsibilities over the mortgage if your name is on it.
If he defaults on the repayments - that will affect you too.
This is why many divorcing couples both stay in the marital home until it's sold. (That's what I did)

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/05/2023 13:35

I think you must get it sold asap to be honest. I’d seek legal advice about how quickly you can do this.

If you don’t care about defaulting then go ahead and don’t pay but I think you need to care as it will reflect on your credit rating.

shammalammadingdong · 22/05/2023 13:35

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/05/2023 12:42

If your name is on the mortgage, then you are liable for half. You should continue to pay. Just because you moved out, it doesn't mean your responsibility for the mortgage stopped.

In real life though, most people can't afford to pay half their mortgage AND rent somewhere else. Neither would it be fair to have both those bills while he only has the one.

What people possibly should do, what they can do, and what is right can all be different things.

TheHandmaiden · 22/05/2023 13:36

You pay half until it is sold. Totally standard in divorce.

ladykale · 22/05/2023 13:38

If it's as much your house and his and you're the one with young children, why on earth did you move out?

Return to your house and ignore him and them, but don't sofa surf with young kids

shammalammadingdong · 22/05/2023 13:38

TheHandmaiden · 22/05/2023 13:36

You pay half until it is sold. Totally standard in divorce.

Not paying is also standard. Lots of people don't. He's liable for the full amount anyway.

ladykale · 22/05/2023 13:39

I wouldn't pay if I was paying half elsewhere. Sell the house asap

Roundandnour · 22/05/2023 13:41

Get proper legal advice to find out how to either sell the house or one of you buys the other out.

sassyduck · 22/05/2023 13:42

I wouldn't pay. You've got enough to pay without paying this mortgage. Look after yourself and your children first.

SleazyLizzard · 22/05/2023 13:43

You need to keep paying if you want half the equity when it is sold. Get a valuation now

Nyna · 22/05/2023 13:44

You must pay half the mortgage and he must pay you rent on half the house. If he doesn’t want to, you can switch and stay there, he can pay rent. If he still doesn’t want to do that, stop pay only the difference between half the rent and half the mortgage.

NosyHamster · 22/05/2023 13:46

Definitely get some proper advice - but when I split from my first DH, my solicitor advised that when there's a joint mortgage, you're both responsible for making sure it gets paid, but that doesn't mean it has to be a 50/50 split with payments. For example, if one party pays 1%, and the other 99%, the lender would still be quite happy.

Vodkaislethal · 22/05/2023 13:46

Nyna · 22/05/2023 13:44

You must pay half the mortgage and he must pay you rent on half the house. If he doesn’t want to, you can switch and stay there, he can pay rent. If he still doesn’t want to do that, stop pay only the difference between half the rent and half the mortgage.

Again, there is no must, you just made that up,

the op can

default and hope he covers it or they go into arrears and face repossession
pay her half
move back in
ask him for rent. He can say no
ask his kids. They can say no.

that’s about it really. There is no must .

WWYDIYWMRN · 22/05/2023 13:47

IamnotSethRogan · 22/05/2023 13:23

Op I can't advise on the legalities and wouldn't try to, but I absolutely think it is unreasonable for him to stonewall you out of the house, then expect you to still pay for half of it when there are 3 adults that could presumably cover the mortgage until the house sells.

Not sure about legal aspects, but he is being morally unreasonable

Totally agree with this. Some of the responses are horrible. Most people couldn't afford there own rent, bills etc and half a mortgage. Get legal advice and get the house on the market ASAP, or ask him to buy you out

Vodkaislethal · 22/05/2023 13:48

I also don't really care if we default on the mortgage

then don’t pay.

Vodkaislethal · 22/05/2023 13:48

I would add though, are you sure you don’t care. You can’t perceive a time you will ever wish a mortgage again?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/05/2023 13:49

I also think it’s strange you were the one to move out whilst it’s all sorted

shammalammadingdong · 22/05/2023 13:50

Why do people think OP not paying is defaulting on the mortgage? He can pay it. He'd be mad not to, in fact.

I dont think most people here know how mortgages work.

MintJulia · 22/05/2023 13:51

wistfullyfocused · 22/05/2023 12:42

Not quite accurate.

It is common that the resident person pays ALL the mortgage as they have full access. In reality she could charge him rent on her half and he gives it to the mortgage company. However this is usually the outcome of legal advice. OP you need advice.

Show quote history

This. He has use of your half of the house, so he should pay you rent for your half. Or more practically, he should cover the whole of the mortgage.

If you have a joint mortgage then you are normally both responsible for the whole amount. If you don't pay then it hits his credit record AND yours. Equally if he doesn't pay, then it damages your credit record as well as his.

So I'd refuse to pay but agree to put the house on the market immediately. Explain that you simply don't have the money to house yourself and pay the mortgage. Offer to instruct an estate agent and solicitor this afternoon.

Ophy83 · 22/05/2023 13:52

You are liable for half the mortgage, but he should be paying you for his use of half the house. So that basically evens out.

YetiTeri · 22/05/2023 13:55

Your priority is to house your children. If he is not willing to pay 'rent' on your half of the house explain to him that you'll be seeking a residence order until the house is sold to ensure that the children are housed .

No, it is not reasonable for young children to be thrown out of their own house with no means to provide a new roof over their head.

TheHandmaiden · 22/05/2023 13:55

It's quite standard to pay half and btw I would be talking to your lender. Even if you are jointly and severally liable, you would do a lot of damage to your credit score if you did not pay and would find it much harder to get another mortgage.

This is a point where you have to think long term; a house with mortgage arrears on it is your problem and equally your ex husband can refuse to pay too.

Get an arrangement with him and make it legally binding.

Any arrears can of course be offset against any equity or your settlement sum. If you don't think you are going to get one of those, then I would be paying half. Or you can decide not to pay capital but only the interest? The bank might agree on that.

A judge will not care very much that you are renting a flat; you will be expected to show you can handle your obligations to each other by agreement. If you can't agree, then you will be going to court to get this sorted or have arrears build.

caringcarer · 22/05/2023 13:56

If you own the house between you I'd move back in and pay half the mortgage but immediately put the house up for sale.

rwalker · 22/05/2023 13:56

You don’t have to pay the only time bank step in is when it’s defaulted on then they would Peruse ether of you because you are both liable
if for example he only paid his half the bank wouldn’t chase you for your half

stick with your argument that you are paying rent elsewhere and he has exclusive use

or offer to pay full mortgage and he and his kids move out

bluebeck · 22/05/2023 13:58

Are you married? If so, you need to instigate divorce proceedings.

If not, you have to ask him to buy you out or sell the property.

Either way, what you need is legal advice, not us vipers telling you how justified you are morally.