MIL excludes me from conversations

[Gemmabw]

My relationship with my MIL is starting to make me feel stressed and unhappy and I dread seeing her mainly because she completely excludes me from conversations by speaking in her first language with my husband even when they are talking about me or my daughter.

Some background: MIL lives in the UK and has done for 45 years. Her English isn't perfect but she can sustain a conversation and understand as long as people aren't speaking very quickly or with a lot of slang /accent she doesn't know.

She has always just spoken to my husband in her first language (he was born in the UK and is fully bilingual) and makes very little effort to speak to me in English. I have a very basic level of competency in her language - not enough to follow or join in with a natural conversation.

Before we had a baby I didn't really care all that much as she lives about 3 hours away and we used to visit a couple of times a year. I'd grin and bear it and accept that it was her home, her right to speak whatever language she chose and it would just be a long and not very fun visit for me. We were together for over 10 years before baby and I rarely saw MIL so it was no big deal .

Since DD arrived a year ago, she has wanted to see her every 4-6 weeks and has started coming to visit us (she never did this before).
She'll be polite and greet me, ask how I am etc. but mainly ignores me for the 2-3 days that she stays with us and only speaks to DH. When she plays with DD she speaks to her in her own language.

What's upset me is that now the visits are much more frequent it seems like it's more difficult to just grin and bear it. I know that the conversation is often about DD and I frequently hear my name and my daughter's name come up. I love taking about my LO (who doesn't!?) and it would be such an easy way for us to build a better relationship but she doesn't say much back when I start a conversation and addresses all questions/comments to my husband.

When I've tried to broach this with DH he gets very defensive and says it's no different to me and my mum having a conversation about something from my childhood or someone he doesn't know or a topic that interests us but not him. I don't feel it's the same because he understands everything we are saying and has a choice if he takes part in the conversation.
I now dread her visits and DH says I just don't like her.

Am I being unreasonable or is MIL's (and DH's) behaviour just rude?

I don't think this is OK at all and I wouldn't like it.

I would put my foot down with my husband and tell him either she changes her ways or she doesn't get to come so often.

I'd take the opportunity to have some 'me time'. If they're going to leave you out of conversations, leave them to look after DD and have yourself a nice day out?

I'd be saying to them both together so no tell tales behind your back- in your house speak English so we can all join in, do not exclude me in my own home. Also you could learn the language to help relations and help your child learn too

How absolutely rude and unacceptable this is OP! You are not being unreasonable at all. Tell them both that they either speak English while in your house, or his mother is no longer welcome, as them speaking a language which you don't understand is just plain rude, and you should not feel excluded in your own home. You can say to his mother that she can do as she wishes in her home, but not while she is a guest in yours, and if your DH doesn't support you, then I'd seriously be thinking of LTB as his failure in this, clearly shows that his mother is higher up in the pecking order than his wife, which is also totally unacceptable!

My MIL is similar and always does this but once got mixed up and said in English accidentally, I speak in Filipino as I know it annoys them' to another family member in-front of me and my DH.

Luckily for you it's only every 4-6 weeks, we have to see her much more frequently.

Can you mention it to her and say I'd prefer you speak English so I can join in?

A DH who objected to his wife speaking to her mother in their first language would be roundly told to do one. Learn your husband's language to a higher level if you don't want to feel left out of their conversations.

Learn the language quietly. Tell no one and then one day after your name is mentioned, reply.

What @LarryStylinson said

You have a massive husband problem, and I fear greatly for the future of your marriage. He is so disrespectful to you it's shocking.

Absolutely this.

I think your MIL is being rude for sure, and your DH should support you more. However, as a person who speaks another language to a conversational level, it is a big mental strain and hard to do all day long, so I don't think she should have to speak English the entire time. She should try to include you more, but I do think that after more than 10 years you should be able to speak your husband's language to a conversational level

Why haven't you put any effort in to learn your husband's language? Surely it is a part of your daughters heritage?

It’s rude to exclude someone from a conversation. When you are present she needs to speak English.

Download Duolingo and start learning her language immediately.

You could fully engage with the conversation. If you don’t understand something, get them to explain each and every point. They should be impressed that you are making the effort. However, they will soon find it all too much like hard work and just speak in English

My MIL is the same. Difference is, I’m from the same background and am bilingual so there’s no excuse for it!

It used to bother me and my husband would get defensive about it, so now I don’t hold any expectations. I see mine every week for a few hours or at other family events. I do the obligatory greetings and just focus on those that do make an effort with me.

People who want to make an effort, will, regardless of language barriers.

I wouldn’t have an issue with her speaking to dd in her language - being bilingual is a massive advantage.

I think when you enter the room they should speak English. Even if she speaks your husband should switch to English so at least you hear one side.

I have a friend at sport who does this. After the lesson me and her will be chatting. Then the coach will come over and the two of them are native speakers of another language. She will thank her in their language and then they will start chatting while I just stand there awkwardly. It’s really quite rude. I just excuse myself and leave.

Her husband’s language is English - he was born in UK, he can also speak his mother’s language.

Get him to stop and translate every single sentence.
What did she say?
What did you say?
Really interrupt the flow. To help you learn the language of course, not to cause any disruption. Or annoy them so much that they just talk in English. Oh no.😜

Part of the issue is with your partner - he should be making an effort to include you in the conversation and reminding his mum to include you sometimes by replying in English - especially when your name is mentioned/it’s clear you’re being spoken about.

I would learn the language.

I had this with my FIL OP, he regularly spoke English and was fluent but in front of me spoke Spanish. It is very rude, very. Do please ignore those who are berating you for not having learned your MIL’s language she lives in the U.K. and has done for a long time the onus is on her to learn the language of the country in which she lives.
Your husband by the way is being deeply disrespectful to you.
I think if I had my time again I’d ask my husband to translate every word his father uttered, if he was not prepared to do that I’d take myself and my children out of the home and book us into a rather nice hotel while my FIL was in my home.
Please don’t accept this behaviour from either of them.

Every time she does it, remind her she needs to speak English in front of you.

if she doesn’t cut down visits. I think it’s a good thing too that she’s teaching your DD a second language.

How many languages do you speak fluently I wonder? If you married a Greek or Italian man would you think yourself rude if you spoke English with your own family?

I don't think tackling your DH about this is going to help, @Gemmabw.
Go right to the source: 'sorry, MIL, I didn't catch what you said, can you translate it for me so I understand and can learn X language better? I'd like to join in the conversation.' Each and every time. What can she do? If she refuses then yes, she's being rude and in your position I would ask her to leave, telling her so. Otherwise, she has to translate and you can then ask her to repeat it back in X language so you can learn it. The worst that will happen is that she will know you are aware of the game she is playing, and the best is she complies and includes you more - there's no reason why she can't speak in X language and then repeat it in English - it will be good for her too.