MIL excludes me from conversations

[Gemmabw]

My relationship with my MIL is starting to make me feel stressed and unhappy and I dread seeing her mainly because she completely excludes me from conversations by speaking in her first language with my husband even when they are talking about me or my daughter.

Some background: MIL lives in the UK and has done for 45 years. Her English isn't perfect but she can sustain a conversation and understand as long as people aren't speaking very quickly or with a lot of slang /accent she doesn't know.

She has always just spoken to my husband in her first language (he was born in the UK and is fully bilingual) and makes very little effort to speak to me in English. I have a very basic level of competency in her language - not enough to follow or join in with a natural conversation.

Before we had a baby I didn't really care all that much as she lives about 3 hours away and we used to visit a couple of times a year. I'd grin and bear it and accept that it was her home, her right to speak whatever language she chose and it would just be a long and not very fun visit for me. We were together for over 10 years before baby and I rarely saw MIL so it was no big deal .

Since DD arrived a year ago, she has wanted to see her every 4-6 weeks and has started coming to visit us (she never did this before).
She'll be polite and greet me, ask how I am etc. but mainly ignores me for the 2-3 days that she stays with us and only speaks to DH. When she plays with DD she speaks to her in her own language.

What's upset me is that now the visits are much more frequent it seems like it's more difficult to just grin and bear it. I know that the conversation is often about DD and I frequently hear my name and my daughter's name come up. I love taking about my LO (who doesn't!?) and it would be such an easy way for us to build a better relationship but she doesn't say much back when I start a conversation and addresses all questions/comments to my husband.

When I've tried to broach this with DH he gets very defensive and says it's no different to me and my mum having a conversation about something from my childhood or someone he doesn't know or a topic that interests us but not him. I don't feel it's the same because he understands everything we are saying and has a choice if he takes part in the conversation.
I now dread her visits and DH says I just don't like her.

Am I being unreasonable or is MIL's (and DH's) behaviour just rude?

Get your DH to teach you the language too, unless it's Finnish or Turkish it should be attainable.

When I've tried to broach this with DH he gets very defensive and says it's no different to me and my mum having a conversation about something from my childhood or someone he doesn't know or a topic that interests us but not him.

Your H sounds like a total arse. His response is ridiculous.

Next time she visits, I'd say something in front of both of them - be calm and polite and say you'd appreciate it if they could speak English in front of you.

If the response is anything other than 'Sure - no problem, sorry!' then I'd ask them to explain why.

Thanks all for your replies. It's given me a lot to think about and made it a bit clearer for me what exactly my issue is.

To address a few of the comments:

I don't disagree with the many comments saying I should learn the language but it's not something that's going to help the situation short term. It's a non-European language which I did start learning a few years ago, pre-baby (it's gone on the back burner since DD arrived as I don't have much in the way of free time to dedicate to studying right now!)
Unfortunately it's not a language you tend to find on language learning apps and there aren't the same number of resources available as something like French or Spanish. I've found a couple of good YouTube channels and podcasts but they rarely go beyond the basics. DH finds it fun to teach me the odd phrase but wouldn't be able to explain grammar rules etc.
Right now, if they were talking about directions to the station or what to buy at the market, I'd be all over it! But following a natural fast-paced conversation between two family members feels like it's years away. (I also speak two other languages to a good conversational/working standard and don't think I'd be able to follow that sort of conversation in either of them.)

Totally agree and understand that it will feel very unnatural for DH to speak English to his mum and I'm really not that bothered about being included when they are gossiping about relatives or talking about the renovations she wants to make on her home etc. I am bothered when it's about me or DD.

I would love my daughter to grow up with the gift of bilingualism but know that it will be challenging as the only people that she will hear speaking it will be DH and MIL.
I have no problem with either of them speaking to her in their language. DH is a bit inconsistent with speaking it to DD but is trying.
I do hope that if she does grow up bilingual, we will teach her a bit of 'bi/multi-lingual etiquette'.

Most useful comments are probably the ones that encouraged me to use her visits to take a break! I think she'd be delighted to look after DD for a hour while I went out for a walk or a coffee (all while listen to a language learning podcast of course!!!)

Thanks all :)

I think its rude AF to move to a country where you have no intention of communicating with anyone in that country when you LIVE there. Its the height of arrogance.

Tell that to 99% of British "expats" (economic migrants).

@silverfullmoon but the MIL can and does speak English. She prefers to just speak to her DS in her native language.

If it's as unusual a language as OP claims, she probably doesn't have many people she can speak her native tongue with.

Have Google Translate open on your phone and use the microphone option so that it translates the audio. Once she realises you have a way to understand what she's saying she may speak more English.

My MIL ignores me in English if that helps and all the family joins in now ...

The intent would matter. Is she a sweet friendly mil stumbling over her English? Or a sly sneaky woman trying to exclude you?

My parents are from overseas but always speak English in front of my husband. Not perfect English but they get by well
enough. They even speak English to each other when he is around so he isn’t excluded which amuses me.

It should be much easier for the mil
to learn English if she lives here. The op is not immersed in the new language and with a young kid, is going to have very little conversational practice. I expect the mil has not bothered to make the effort to learn English. She has had long enough.

Is OP trying to raise a bilingual child? I missed that.

Anyway, intent is everything.

It's not his first language, he was born in the UK. He is bilingual

Well said. Expats are very special though. A cut above the standard immigrant 🙄

Here's a suggestion that might be completely out there - how about asking her to teach you their language and you help her with her English. From what you say it sounds like she's not confident in English, even though she's lived here and she can get by, her native tongue will always take over. It's easier and quicker for her esp because your husband understands - I do think though, he should reply in English for your sake so you can follow along and he should translate for you too, again so you're involved.

I'm sharing this part as I feel I get where his mom is coming from - My OH was raised in Britain but his family are from overseas and he was brought up speaking their language. He's completely bilingual and I've been learning their language for years - im not gifted at languages and find it difficult - I can follow a conversation, mostly , and could get by talking if I had too but confidence wise when talking to any native speaker, esp his family, I revert to English, my brain literally forgets everything I know until later on, way past the conversation has finished of all the things I could have said come flooding forward. In my case his immediate family all speak brilliant English. Better than me arguably 😂 but still his nan (who's lived here for around 45 years too) mostly talks in her native tongue, if I don't understand I get my OH to translate everything. My OH and anyone around the table who speak English tend to reply in English apart from his dad, who was born abroad and moved here for some time, then back there now so English is his second language but again, he'll translate if I ask because his English is fine. The only time my OH replies in their tongue is when the person doesn't speak English. But he'll translate if I've not caught what was said.

I think your husband should make more effort to help you feel included, esp as you've said how you feel. This will also open the conversation up between the two of you too. I think making her speak English in your house is harsh and unfair. Plus she's the best one to teach your child their language. What I would accept is if the only time it happened was to talk about my parenting or how I raised my child and other times she'd talk in English that I would find incredibly rude and wouldn't stand for.

Sorry this reply got long. But just food for thought maybe.

What I wouldn't accept though - not would