MIL excludes me from conversations

[Gemmabw]

My relationship with my MIL is starting to make me feel stressed and unhappy and I dread seeing her mainly because she completely excludes me from conversations by speaking in her first language with my husband even when they are talking about me or my daughter.

Some background: MIL lives in the UK and has done for 45 years. Her English isn't perfect but she can sustain a conversation and understand as long as people aren't speaking very quickly or with a lot of slang /accent she doesn't know.

She has always just spoken to my husband in her first language (he was born in the UK and is fully bilingual) and makes very little effort to speak to me in English. I have a very basic level of competency in her language - not enough to follow or join in with a natural conversation.

Before we had a baby I didn't really care all that much as she lives about 3 hours away and we used to visit a couple of times a year. I'd grin and bear it and accept that it was her home, her right to speak whatever language she chose and it would just be a long and not very fun visit for me. We were together for over 10 years before baby and I rarely saw MIL so it was no big deal .

Since DD arrived a year ago, she has wanted to see her every 4-6 weeks and has started coming to visit us (she never did this before).
She'll be polite and greet me, ask how I am etc. but mainly ignores me for the 2-3 days that she stays with us and only speaks to DH. When she plays with DD she speaks to her in her own language.

What's upset me is that now the visits are much more frequent it seems like it's more difficult to just grin and bear it. I know that the conversation is often about DD and I frequently hear my name and my daughter's name come up. I love taking about my LO (who doesn't!?) and it would be such an easy way for us to build a better relationship but she doesn't say much back when I start a conversation and addresses all questions/comments to my husband.

When I've tried to broach this with DH he gets very defensive and says it's no different to me and my mum having a conversation about something from my childhood or someone he doesn't know or a topic that interests us but not him. I don't feel it's the same because he understands everything we are saying and has a choice if he takes part in the conversation.
I now dread her visits and DH says I just don't like her.

Am I being unreasonable or is MIL's (and DH's) behaviour just rude?

I think YABU.

It's your husband's first language yet you're acting like it's somehow inferior to English because that's the language you grew up speaking.

Why don't you make more effort to learn the language to a level where you are fairly fluent instead of expecting your in-laws to make all the effort?

Can you learn more of your MIL’s language then you can communicate in a mix of the languages. She may not be completely confident in English and I think you both need to make an equal effort.

'Sandylanes69' what a ridiculous thing to say, and totally irrelevant! The OP's DH is English, having been born here. Her MIL has lived here for 45 years, and CAN hold a conversation in English, but choses not to in front of her DIL, which is just plain rude! I've said that what MIL does in her own home is up to her, but when she's in the home of her DIL who does not speak her language terribly well, she should make every effort to converse in English so that her DIL can understand.

YANBU, my mum likes to talk to me in our mother tongue sometimes. When DH is there, I answer her in English or another language we all speak, or I quickly translate for him.

You have a H problem, he seems to enjoy excluding too.

I hope he’s the one cooking and cleaning when she visits?

If she's lived in the UK for 45 years she really has no excuse. She's being incredibly rude - as is your DH. I speak other languages and it can be mentally draining over prolonged periods but she should make a good effort to speak English at least half of the time. I would feel like a stranger in my own home if someone did that. Particularly when your DD gets older and presumably she'll speak the language too. You'll be completely left out.

perhaps make some effort to learn a little bit more of their language and try again to engage MIL by doing your best and switching between the two. Your husband refusing to include you and never speaking English with his mother in your presence is bad though OP... I fear you may have a marriage problem on your hands.

It's exhausting to speak a second language for a prolonged period of time. It would feel unnatural to her to speak to her son in English when presumably she has also used her first language to speak to him. I also think it's nice she is teaching your child a second language and giving her that tie to her heritage.

She's an old lady, it's harder for her to become fluent and comfortable in English now.

You should seek to improve your skills in their language if you want to join in.

I’d tell your husband she’s not welcome to visit so often, since she makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home. He needs to step up and take action here. If not, I’d be limiting the number of times she’s allowed to visit and make it clear why.

You said although she has been here for 45years her English isn't very good. Well there's your answer. It's much easier to converse in her native language. Your husband would've grown up speaking the language with his mother. If you don't speak another language you won't understand that words and phrases flow better in your native language. You need to stop being so sensitive. You can always learn the language yourself if you want to know what they're saying.

Why don't you take the time she comes down as time for yourself and leave your husband and her to look after your daughter? Go to the gym or a swim. Go visit your friends. Find a cosy pub where you can sit comfortably with a drink and a book.

Don't cook her any meals for her or shop for her or tidy up for her. Your husband can do all that. He's the host.

You don't need to make any effort for someone who makes no effort with you.

So MIL’s English isn’t great after 45 years but OP, who has a baby to look after, should learn a second language quickly and well enough to follow a conversation?

Get a translater app thingy on your phone, get the MIL to talk to you through that and you do the same

My in laws speak French to hubby when they visit, they can speak some English, but it is much easier and faster to talk in their own language. It doesnt bother me, im not native English speaker either, so i totally understand why they do it, and my patents would do the same when they visit.

If its something important hubby will always translate, but most convetsation I dont really care. Sometimes its even an advantage because i have an excuse not to deal with them. 😂

@bussteward she doesn't have to learn the language. I doubt mother in law and husband are talking about her in their native language. It's just easier for them to converse.

As opposed to MIL who refuses to speak English after 40 years?

What a contradictory post . So MIL has lived in an English speaking country for 45 years . So I’m guessing she was young when she arrived . How could she possibly not speak English fluently? But oh no , the DIL needs to learn her language, even though she doesn’t live in said country, which would be way harder to pick up and learn fluently . I don’t get this logic . The MIL is free to talk her native tongue anytime but to do so in front of DIL who she knows is left out of the conversation is the height of bad manners .

Is your child being brought up bilingual? This is the only situation that this would be remotely acceptable. Otherwise your DH is being a massive twat. At the very least he needs to answer her in English. I'd also start learning the language on the sly.

That!

I speak my language only to my DD 99% of time (even in front of DH or any other English speaking friends, though I do translate if it’s something relevant to them), “one person one language” is a common technique when raising bilingual kids. It actually is a lot of effort to teach the kids that secondary language properly and only happens through regular exposure. MIL probably really wants your DD to learn her language (as she clearly succeeded with DH if he’s bilingual) and this is the way to do it.

You can definitely tell your DH/MIL to include you more or translate for you. But if my DH tried to tell me “we speak English only in my house” I would quite frankly tell him to get lost and probably reconsider that relationship.

I wouldn’t want to speak a different language to my own mum all the time, or for her to have to talk in English to her grandson. In our own language, she’s funny and knows lovely rhymes and songs and stories and plays with childish abandon with him. It’d be totally different if she had to switch to English.

Excluding you is very rude though and I understand why you’d be uncomfortable, especially if you try to have conversation and she doesn’t reply.

I’m lucky that my other half can understand both but in your situation I’d have a conversation, tell them how it makes you feel and say this doesn’t work for you. See if they have suggestions - and say you’re willing to learn more if the other language too if that’d help. Or as someone said, treat it as a bit of me-time and leave them to it for a bit.

Definitely good for your dc to be exposed to another language early on.

I’m bilingual and second generation. My first generation family members never speak in our mother tongue if English speakers are present, it’s exceptionally rude. My granny would always apologise if she forgot and accidentally excluded English speaking friends/family members.

Your mil is deliberately doing it to exclude you. Sneaky cow. Sorry your DH can’t see that.

I don’t think it’s a problem them having conversations in their native language but it is a huge problem having conversations about you in front of you. Call your mum, while you are sitting in the room with dh. Say mil is coming round and I’ve talked to Dh about this but he’s just so selfish and doesn’t care about me one bit. (Word your mum up first). I don’t know - can dd and I come to yours for her next visit? I can’t get through to dh sp I don’t know what to do next but I won’t sit in my house and feel this way knowing it’s a choice dh is making. Say dhs name a lot.

hang up and say to him that’s a small taste of how I feel hearing my name and knowing that you’re talking about me in front of me. From now on I give this marriage the respect it gives back to me, which seems to me very little right now. If I hear my name again I expect you to turn around and translate and continue the conversation in English. I went to her you say to your mum in english it’s rude to talk about her in our language. But don’t worry about it for next visit as dd and I will be at my mums where I know from your behaviour that i have your blessing to talk about you as much as I want to.

That is rude to hold a conversation in a language everyone doesn't understand. It is as rude as whispering. I think if you learned to speak her language it would help both of you get to know each other. Your dh could repeat what she says in English to help make the point that you are there too. Do you want your dc to be bilingual?

Yeah I agree with this. The MIL has been here 45 years so she wasnt old when she came to live here. If I moved somewhere to live, I'd learn the language because I LIVED there. I dont think thats an unreasonable expectation. I totally get preferring to speak in your mother tongue but its not very nice to be constantly excluding someone in the family, and clearly talking about them in conversations without them knowing what you are saying- thats rude, it would be just as rude if the OP was doing it

You've been with your husband over 10 years and can't hold a basic conversation in his language? I see that as rude and really lacking effort on your part.

Perhaps it's important to your MiL & DH that your child is exposed to their language and her heritage from as early an age as possible. And they'd be right to feel that way.

Definitely need to talk to your DH about how he can help you improve your language skills, otherwise he'll be speaking to your child in a language you don't understand, and that will be 10x worse than when he does it with MiL.

They are rude to be discussing you in a different language infront of you

Record and translate it

I appreciate it can't be a lot of fun to be hanging around while they are speaking their native language together but I have a lot of sympathy for your MIL as well as someone who has lived outside the UK for 10 years - I speak the language here to a high level but it is exhausting and the thought of once visiting my kids and not being able to speak to them or any future grandkids in the language we spoke when they were kids - that would make me very sad.