Found secret instagram account

[wellwellwelll]

I've found that my DH had a secret Instagram account, purely for the purpose of looking at young women. He's not messaging them but he's active on the account. He only has one follower. AIBU to follow the account, so he knows I know, should I just ignore it or should I say something?

I'd follow him then wait for the fireworks personally.

Just end the relationship and be done with it if you have this much distrust in the relationship.
I couldn’t give a fuck who my husband looked up in insta.
Who has time for this level of game playing in a marriage?

I'd ignore it. Plenty of men have these accounts. He's likely to just make another secret account and just keep it more hidden from you. Don't go there.

Yes follow the dodgy fucker secretly

What does young mean?

Why?

Silversponnz, do plenty of men have these accounts, how on earth do you know this?

More talk less stalk

Probably mid 20's.... he's mid 50's

Just think it's odd that he's done this. Obviously not sure if this is something other men do too

I’d follow him, just to let him know that you know he’s a dirty oldish man.

I hope you don’t have daughters in that age range.

Eww. Ignore PPs - the fact he set up a designated account to perv on women half his age is not OK. I would have it out with him personally. Hopefully he'll have the good grace to be mortified. How did you find out incidentally?

It was still logged in on our laptop

I think it’s pretty common, unfortunately, OP. Men can be gross. I can’t imagine looking at pics of young men, I’d feel as if I was looking at my DS. 🤮

Exactly this

I doubt this is really a big surprise to you or out of character fir him.

The fact you suggest as a solution that you follow him really just shows the level of communication in this relationship. What do you want him to do? Set up another secret account and not let you find it?

I suspect your real question is about what to do when a marriage dies.

What’s the point in following so he knows? It’s just passively aggressively ignoring the situation. You know he does it and if it’s an issue or a dealbreaker (both are totally understandable) then you need to have a proper conversation about it.

whilst I’d be so angry and disgusted, I absolutely can see why he’s done this.

it keeps it separate so no one knows and you can’t look at the pics without having an account, obvs the algorithm goes to work so it’s easier - I don’t actually think it’s odd he has the account / set it up. I’d love to say it’s gross they’re mid twenties but that’s unfortunately normal - biology explains the attraction to younger women; they’re not super young, you can easily see how you could compartmentalise.

I’d ask yourself seriously what you want to achieve. He WILL still look at younger women it’s a given, NO MATTER WHAT. He will easily justify what he’s doing to himself (it isn’t cheating blah blah) and the patriarchy basically supports it. So what are you looking for? Would you divorce over this? If yes, confront him. If no, I’d take some time to work on your feelings and see a therapist about handling those feelings and next steps. Have an open conversation about how it makes you feel and how it makes you feel about him. Ask him in a non judgemental way why he does it - is it basic mental material, is it like porn? Is it that he is into them. I assume he will be embarrassed and maybe then you can work on it to get him to stop. But I just think the world and the internet has normalised it too much to ever stop.

You’re right, of course, @TheSnowyOwl, I’d still be tempted to do it to give him a fright.

You talk a lot of sense. It's not a game changer, just didn't realise this is something men do. I'm clearly naive. It's not porn like, just fashion models, I'll probably just drop it.

I wouldn't be OK with this. It's creepy, and he's doing it in secret because he knows that.

Fuck that noise.

If the images are of fashion models, like what you see on clothing catalogue sites, then I think I would let it go. If it was porn on the laptop though, then I would make it known to him.

I actually think that this is fine. A bit grim, but essential fine. It's the equivalent of a woman having an account filled with photos of male celebrities. The women are mid 20s, which would be creepy as a relationship gap but is not horrifying in terms of attraction - it's not like he's looking at teenagers, that would be a deal-breaker. If it's just models then they're unlikely to be being exploited, so not normally objectionable from that angle. It's not porn, which for me would also be a hard no. Are the women mostly clothed?

I can’t believe all these women saying it’s fine, all men do it. They don’t, it’s not fine, it’s incredibly disrespectful to you.

he is keeping it a secret therefore he thinks you wont be happy about it, but he's doing it anyway