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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So this thing where people don't read or respond to messages, I tried it. AIBU that it seems like quite hard work to me?

112 replies

canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 15:50

I am someone who likes to hear from people and are pleased when they message me. I read and respond same day.

Other people don't do this and I have friends who take a few days to get back to me and I get that they reply when convenient.

But I have a couple of flaky friends who are in touch intermittently when it suits them. I'm always the one to initiate contact etc.

So one friend I haven't contacted since last year, I messaged her recently and she ignored my message for a week before she got back to me. So I'm trying it out, this only read and reply if you feel like it thing and I'm actually finding it really hard work.

Her message has been sitting there for a week, I know what it says as I read the preview I just haven't opened it. The annoying notification dot is there every time I open my whatsapp and I keep thinking it's a new message. But no, it's just the old message that I'm studiously ignoring.

AIBU that keeping people hanging like this is annoying and actually harder work over the long term than just opening the damn thing and sending a reply?

OP posts:
MistressE · 19/05/2023 15:52

Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face

added to which

a) some people aren’t glued to their phones
b) people prioritise who they message so perhaps you just don’t make the cut

MistressE · 19/05/2023 15:53

It’s quite likely she hasn’t even noticed you have t responded

WhatWouldHopperDo · 19/05/2023 15:54

I think you're over thinking it. If you want to reply to clear it from your headspace, reply. Everyone manages their time differently.

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 15:54

You haven't actually answered my question MistressE 😂

OP posts:
MistressE · 19/05/2023 15:54

But I have a couple of flaky friends who are in touch intermittently when it suits them. I'm always the one to initiate contact etc.

they don’t appear to want to carry in being friends with you OP. You seem then as flakey but likely they don’t see you as a close friend

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 15:55

It's not in my headspace I'm talking about how it's interfering with my use of whatsapp because I keep thinking someone new has messaged me.

OP posts:
MistressE · 19/05/2023 15:55

Because it’s a daft question

MistressE · 19/05/2023 15:55

canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 15:55

It's not in my headspace I'm talking about how it's interfering with my use of whatsapp because I keep thinking someone new has messaged me.

Tragedy! 😂

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 15:56

MistressE · 19/05/2023 15:54

But I have a couple of flaky friends who are in touch intermittently when it suits them. I'm always the one to initiate contact etc.

they don’t appear to want to carry in being friends with you OP. You seem then as flakey but likely they don’t see you as a close friend

Yes I know you'd love to come and pile on etc etc but I'm talking about the logistics of whatsapp not whether I'm a bitch or not 😂

OP posts:
peachicecream · 19/05/2023 15:56

Just do what works best for you.

I often read a message and take a day or two to respond, because if it's a good friend I often want to wait until I can give it some proper thought.

Some people respond instantly and that's fine too.

The main thing is just don't take offence either way... it really upsets me when people are weird about the way I reply to messages... it doesn't mean I don't care, I'm just not switched on all of the time.

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 15:56

MistressE · 19/05/2023 15:55

Because it’s a daft question

Ok, well thanks for stopping by. Have a good day.

OP posts:
BranchGold · 19/05/2023 15:57

You move the chat to your archives if the notification bothers you.

For the people who do this though, it really isn’t on their radar. They also have a couple thousand unopened emails, 151 unread text messages, and more red little notifications on several other apps.

I am one of these people.

MistressE · 19/05/2023 15:57

canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 15:56

Yes I know you'd love to come and pile on etc etc but I'm talking about the logistics of whatsapp not whether I'm a bitch or not 😂

Show quote history

I have no idea whether or not your a bitch

but from what you say about you always instigating contact and them being slow to respond… it does indicate they feel differently about you than you them. You think differently?

frankgu · 19/05/2023 15:57

It's not in my headspace I'm talking about how it's interfering with my use of whatsapp because I keep thinking someone new has messaged me.

Has no one else messaged you though? I have 5 chats going at the mo, with about 20 unread messages. Only noticed because if this thread.

DelurkingAJ · 19/05/2023 15:57

It’s more that when I get to WhatsApp (often at the end of the day) I may well have 50 messages of various importance. I read them quickly and honestly mean to respond to the friendly but not important/urgent ones. But the ones about the Scout Group needing a parent or tonight’s meeting is off override the ‘how are you?’ ones.

saveforthat · 19/05/2023 15:57

People who don't respond instantly aren't usually doing it to make people wait. It's because they are busy and only look at messages occasionally. I sometimes read a message quickly and then think I will reply when I have more time, that could be tonight or a few days.

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 15:58

BranchGold · 19/05/2023 15:57

You move the chat to your archives if the notification bothers you.

For the people who do this though, it really isn’t on their radar. They also have a couple thousand unopened emails, 151 unread text messages, and more red little notifications on several other apps.

I am one of these people.

Oh cool, so I can get rid of it? I have never put something in archive I will look now, thanks.

OP posts:
CalmDownBoris72 · 19/05/2023 15:58

People are busy and many (including me) have incredibly busy lives and some things have to give like WhatsApp. I’d rather meet and chat in real life.

TanukiMario · 19/05/2023 15:59

I think what happens is, they read the message at an inconvenient time. Then forget you sent it. And a few days/a week later, they remember you messaged them and then they reply? 🤷🏻‍♀️
I also like to respond right away when i read it. If im busy, then i dont read it, because when i do then the new message thing disappears and i will forget i received the message.

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/05/2023 15:59

I know what the OP means though. I frequently ignore or mute groups chats or advertisements. And I wouldn’t ever feel I had to reply immediately.

But I do think when good friends routinely don’t reply to contact it’s pretty lame and rude. If someone you know well messages you with some sort of call to action and you just leave it it’s a bit of a fuck you.

I have an old friend who is really notorious at not bothering to reply to messages even things to do with plans etc. When she gets called on it she will be all “you know me I’m flaky”.

But it’s a deliberate act isn’t it? To refuse to bother to do something that takes under 30 seconds to reassure a friend. It’s one thing occasionally but all the time is just rude.

Holdontightly · 19/05/2023 15:59

AIBU that keeping people hanging like this is annoying and actually harder work over the long term than just opening the damn thing and sending a reply

I just can't believe you think this is a deliberate strategy and not plain old being disorganised or forgetful or trying to think of what you want to say Grin

That's mad!

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:00

I feel like there's a lot of defensiveness on this thread and I'm sorry if those of you who are telling me why you don't answer messages feel you have to - I really wasn't asking that I was more asking does it not annoy you having the notifitcation there and having to keep open the phone thinking it''s something else.

OP posts:
Tangled123 · 19/05/2023 16:00

My issue is, if I reply straight away, they’ll probably reply straight away too, so we’re stuck in a back and forth for hours. I don’t have a lot of free time so that can really bug me if it means my ‘to do’ list just sits there.

frankgu · 19/05/2023 16:01

I was more asking does it not annoy you having the notifitcation there and having to keep open the phone thinking it''s something else.

As bad many people including me don't even notice the notification & only check whatsapp periodically.

BranchGold · 19/05/2023 16:01

Sorry, I didn’t feel I was being defensive.

In answer to your question, it really doesn’t annoy me, which is why it’s how I use my phone. For another person who it would annoy, that’s why they would use their phone differently, such as you do.