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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So this thing where people don't read or respond to messages, I tried it. AIBU that it seems like quite hard work to me?

112 replies

canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 15:50

I am someone who likes to hear from people and are pleased when they message me. I read and respond same day.

Other people don't do this and I have friends who take a few days to get back to me and I get that they reply when convenient.

But I have a couple of flaky friends who are in touch intermittently when it suits them. I'm always the one to initiate contact etc.

So one friend I haven't contacted since last year, I messaged her recently and she ignored my message for a week before she got back to me. So I'm trying it out, this only read and reply if you feel like it thing and I'm actually finding it really hard work.

Her message has been sitting there for a week, I know what it says as I read the preview I just haven't opened it. The annoying notification dot is there every time I open my whatsapp and I keep thinking it's a new message. But no, it's just the old message that I'm studiously ignoring.

AIBU that keeping people hanging like this is annoying and actually harder work over the long term than just opening the damn thing and sending a reply?

OP posts:
Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:01

TanukiMario · 19/05/2023 15:59

I think what happens is, they read the message at an inconvenient time. Then forget you sent it. And a few days/a week later, they remember you messaged them and then they reply? 🤷🏻‍♀️
I also like to respond right away when i read it. If im busy, then i dont read it, because when i do then the new message thing disappears and i will forget i received the message.

How do you make the new message thing disappear though? That's what I assumed would happen that it would just fade or something but it's still there blinking at me every time I open whatsapp that I have an unread message.

OP posts:
wildfirewonder · 19/05/2023 16:02

It's harder for you because you're fighting your true nature. Those who do it presumably find it easier or they wouldn't do it in the first place.

CalmDownBoris72 · 19/05/2023 16:03

BranchGold · 19/05/2023 15:57

You move the chat to your archives if the notification bothers you.

For the people who do this though, it really isn’t on their radar. They also have a couple thousand unopened emails, 151 unread text messages, and more red little notifications on several other apps.

I am one of these people.

This is me, 3462 unread emails and 287 texts (not WhatsApp) 😂.

@canyouimaginethis my WhatsApp only gives me notifications for new messages and once I open the app the little red things disappears from the Home Screen whether I’ve read it or not.
Do you have a iPhone?

DappledThings · 19/05/2023 16:03

I often read messages but don't answer for a while so I don't have the notification hanging around.

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:04

frankgu · 19/05/2023 16:01

I was more asking does it not annoy you having the notifitcation there and having to keep open the phone thinking it''s something else.

As bad many people including me don't even notice the notification & only check whatsapp periodically.

I can't ignore my whatsapp unfortunately as I use it for work and have to check it a lot.

OP posts:
SisterWivesrus · 19/05/2023 16:04

canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 15:50

I am someone who likes to hear from people and are pleased when they message me. I read and respond same day.

Other people don't do this and I have friends who take a few days to get back to me and I get that they reply when convenient.

But I have a couple of flaky friends who are in touch intermittently when it suits them. I'm always the one to initiate contact etc.

So one friend I haven't contacted since last year, I messaged her recently and she ignored my message for a week before she got back to me. So I'm trying it out, this only read and reply if you feel like it thing and I'm actually finding it really hard work.

Her message has been sitting there for a week, I know what it says as I read the preview I just haven't opened it. The annoying notification dot is there every time I open my whatsapp and I keep thinking it's a new message. But no, it's just the old message that I'm studiously ignoring.

AIBU that keeping people hanging like this is annoying and actually harder work over the long term than just opening the damn thing and sending a reply?

But you're pretending to not notice or think you shouldn't reply and only not ùdoing so to try and prove some weird point.

You're finding it 'hard work' because you're making it so.

There's nothing hard about it.

Holdontightly · 19/05/2023 16:04

canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:00

I feel like there's a lot of defensiveness on this thread and I'm sorry if those of you who are telling me why you don't answer messages feel you have to - I really wasn't asking that I was more asking does it not annoy you having the notifitcation there and having to keep open the phone thinking it''s something else.

There is zero defensiveness from other posters.

sandyhappypeople · 19/05/2023 16:04

I can be a little guilty of this with messages, but it's normally because when I contact someone or reply to a message I put the phone down to carry on what I'm doing, BING, they come straight back, I reply again, BING, another question, replay again with no follow up needed and, BING, another message, and so on..

If I know someone is going to get straight back to me and split their message up into lots of different messages, or drip feed, or have a lot to say, I tend to wait until I've got a spare hour where I can do that, unfortunately I end up putting it off as we both work full time with a toddler and dogs, and if I'm with DH I don't like to be on the phone as it eats into 'our' time which is quite limited as it is.

I MUCH prefer a conversation, I never ignore my phone if someone rings me, rather than a message that I can sit on for a few hours or days, you can cover more ground on the phone quickly and more importantly you can speak while doing other things like working, dog walking or chores etc.

I don't mean this as a dig at you OP but someone intentionally ignoring messages to keep the person hanging on is a bit weird, like some sort of power play.

It doesn't bother me having notifications on my phone.. this is the person that currently has 12,547 unopened emails.

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:05

I've just looked and I can't see how I can archive the chat without opening the message....not an iphone, no.

OP posts:
Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:06

sandyhappypeople · 19/05/2023 16:04

I can be a little guilty of this with messages, but it's normally because when I contact someone or reply to a message I put the phone down to carry on what I'm doing, BING, they come straight back, I reply again, BING, another question, replay again with no follow up needed and, BING, another message, and so on..

If I know someone is going to get straight back to me and split their message up into lots of different messages, or drip feed, or have a lot to say, I tend to wait until I've got a spare hour where I can do that, unfortunately I end up putting it off as we both work full time with a toddler and dogs, and if I'm with DH I don't like to be on the phone as it eats into 'our' time which is quite limited as it is.

I MUCH prefer a conversation, I never ignore my phone if someone rings me, rather than a message that I can sit on for a few hours or days, you can cover more ground on the phone quickly and more importantly you can speak while doing other things like working, dog walking or chores etc.

I don't mean this as a dig at you OP but someone intentionally ignoring messages to keep the person hanging on is a bit weird, like some sort of power play.

It doesn't bother me having notifications on my phone.. this is the person that currently has 12,547 unopened emails.

This is really interesting! I have a friend who will randomly facetime me without warning that she is going to call and I answer it but I really don't like it at all, I'm usually about to rush out the door or just not in a particularly facetimey state.

OP posts:
CalmDownBoris72 · 19/05/2023 16:07

canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:05

I've just looked and I can't see how I can archive the chat without opening the message....not an iphone, no.

Ah, I see. On an iPhone, once you open the app the notification goes so it’s no misleading me that someone’s messaged me.

Archive is swipe left for me.

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:09

CalmDownBoris72 · 19/05/2023 16:07

Ah, I see. On an iPhone, once you open the app the notification goes so it’s no misleading me that someone’s messaged me.

Archive is swipe left for me.

Show quote history

I swiped left! It's gone!! Perfect, thank you so much. Job done!

OP posts:
AlltheFs · 19/05/2023 16:11

I’m someone that seems flaky I think at the moment. I genuinely can’t keep up with my phone. I moved away from
friends some years ago when I relocated and have a young child, busy senior job and am living in a house renovation. I also have an elderly horse who’s yard is closing and life is absolute chaos trying to get basic life done and keep everyone alive.

I read messages straightaway but then I take forever to write a reply as I rarely get 2 mins to think. I have a zillion messages that relate to the non friend part of my life, friends are always bottom sadly. I do try but honestly I am exhausted.

EmmaEmerald · 19/05/2023 16:13

canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:00

I feel like there's a lot of defensiveness on this thread and I'm sorry if those of you who are telling me why you don't answer messages feel you have to - I really wasn't asking that I was more asking does it not annoy you having the notifitcation there and having to keep open the phone thinking it''s something else.

Everything seems to turn weird in MN these days.

I'm useless at WhatsApp, why is the notification still there if you've read it?

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:13

EmmaEmerald · 19/05/2023 16:13

Everything seems to turn weird in MN these days.

I'm useless at WhatsApp, why is the notification still there if you've read it?

Show quote history

I haven't read it. I said that in the OP.

OP posts:
tattygrl · 19/05/2023 16:14

In my opinion this question falls into the category of questions that can only be answered: everyone is different. People are different, live different lives, use their phones differently, have different daily environments and demands, etc. That's the only answer. Some people find it stressful having to respond immediately (I'm one of them), while other, like you, find it stressful knowing you've got a message sitting there not being answered. It's not deeper than that really.

frankgu · 19/05/2023 16:15

I can't ignore my whatsapp unfortunately as I use it for work and have to check it a lot.

Surely you can imagine this isn't the case for everyone though?

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:15

SisterWivesrus · 19/05/2023 16:04

But you're pretending to not notice or think you shouldn't reply and only not ùdoing so to try and prove some weird point.

You're finding it 'hard work' because you're making it so.

There's nothing hard about it.

Show quote history

I'm just trying out her version of our friendship to see how it suits me. Genuinely. If it's ok for her to do it it's ok for me to do it so I'm giving it a go to see what I'm missing.

OP posts:
tattygrl · 19/05/2023 16:16

canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:15

I'm just trying out her version of our friendship to see how it suits me. Genuinely. If it's ok for her to do it it's ok for me to do it so I'm giving it a go to see what I'm missing.

Show quote history

But you're not missing anything! Your friend does this for reasons known only t her. Could be anything. There's not some secret benefit to responding to messages after a certain period of time. Are you essentially just irritated that some of your friends don't respond as quickly as you'd like them to?

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:17

tattygrl · 19/05/2023 16:16

But you're not missing anything! Your friend does this for reasons known only t her. Could be anything. There's not some secret benefit to responding to messages after a certain period of time. Are you essentially just irritated that some of your friends don't respond as quickly as you'd like them to?

Show quote history

I am genuinely giving it a go to see what it's like.

Why should that be a problem?

OP posts:
frankgu · 19/05/2023 16:17

I'm just trying out her version of our friendship to see how it suits me. Genuinely. If it's ok for her to do it it's ok for me to do it so I'm giving it a go to see what I'm missing.

This is so weird 😆

EmmaEmerald · 19/05/2023 16:18

canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:09

I swiped left! It's gone!! Perfect, thank you so much. Job done!

Show quote history

Oh I see

so are you wanting her to see that you didn't read it - even though you kind of have?

Ifnottodaywhen · 19/05/2023 16:19

CalmDownBoris72 · 19/05/2023 16:03

This is me, 3462 unread emails and 287 texts (not WhatsApp) 😂.

@canyouimaginethis my WhatsApp only gives me notifications for new messages and once I open the app the little red things disappears from the Home Screen whether I’ve read it or not.
Do you have a iPhone?

Show quote history

I hate having notifications hanging around. Until I read your posts, I didn't realise how much. You've both made me feel a little peculiar at the thought. 😂 I feel the need to come and tidy them up. 😁

frankgu · 19/05/2023 16:19

Why should that be a problem?

You're the one who started the thread...

Original poster
canyouimaginethis · 19/05/2023 16:19

I actually have to go out now so I can't respond for a bit.

Sorry, people, I'll get back to you when I can 😀

OP posts: