So this thing where people don't read or respond to messages, I tried it. AIBU that it seems like quite hard work to me?

[canyouimaginethis]

I am someone who likes to hear from people and are pleased when they message me. I read and respond same day.

Other people don't do this and I have friends who take a few days to get back to me and I get that they reply when convenient.

But I have a couple of flaky friends who are in touch intermittently when it suits them. I'm always the one to initiate contact etc.

So one friend I haven't contacted since last year, I messaged her recently and she ignored my message for a week before she got back to me. So I'm trying it out, this only read and reply if you feel like it thing and I'm actually finding it really hard work.

Her message has been sitting there for a week, I know what it says as I read the preview I just haven't opened it. The annoying notification dot is there every time I open my whatsapp and I keep thinking it's a new message. But no, it's just the old message that I'm studiously ignoring.

AIBU that keeping people hanging like this is annoying and actually harder work over the long term than just opening the damn thing and sending a reply?

I think some people forget friendship takes effort. If your friends are always messaging you, take some time and message them.

Is this like the WhatsApp 2 tick avoidance thing? Or how to avoid showing you're online on WhatsApp? It hurts my brain just trying to work out how to do it! Certainly makes me judge people who have the time/energy/can be arsed etc to think they're soooooo important anyone cares!

But you're not giving it a go because you're getting distracted by the message.

I'm like your friends and don't reply to people for a while. This is normally because I am not glued to my phone (it's currently still in my work bag and I may not even get it out again until Monday), have notifications switched off and don't even notice they've sent a message for a week. If I'd seen you'd sent a message I would reply to it as soon as I had a chance.

I wish I didn't have to be glued to my phone but with teens it's not possible :(

I have teens! Why does that mean you have be glued to your phone?

I couldn't leave my phone in my bag until Monday.

They are 13 and 14, they go out with friends over the weekend but they're not old enough that I don't need to be at the end of the phone to know when to pick them etc.

I also - shock horror - want to be available to them.

Yes, this.

Too many replies for me to respond to but it's socially acceptable for me not to bother so carry on all :)

I know what you mean. But that's because I'm also someone who looks at WA etc regularly and pretty much always just reply straight away and I find that easier. If I didn't reply immediately it would be on my mind and it would bother me.

But I guess some people just work differently and either don't see messages or find it easy to forget about them until they are ready to deal with messages. I think whichever group you naturally fall into, you will find the other way difficult!

You really love passive aggression don't you OP?

Maybe that's why people aren't falling over themselves to be your friend?

😂😂😂

You're bothered that she hasn't replied to you quick enough, you're assuming that means she doesn't care/doesn't know what real friendship is/ whatever nonsense you're assuming and you're trying to 'give her a taste of her own medicine'. It obviously isn't suiting you since you're obsessing over it to the point you're making a post on MN about how much 'hard work' it is not to reply.

All of this.

The "pretending you don't care" when you are blatantly annoyed that she hasn't replied, is transparent and painfully obvious.

I don't think you are fooling yourself on this, let alone anyone else.

me too, I also haven't saved everyone's numbers or even opened all the letters that come through the letter box. It's just a job that needs doing, replying to texts, even from friends. I'd much prefer a call, or even better- no contact at all.

No, they’re not suggesting that. They’re responding to OP saying she can’t bear seeing the little red notification letting her know she’s got an unread message, and how she feels it’s more work to ignore it than read/respond. Several of us were saying one notification in a sea of them doesn’t take any effort to ignore at all. If it doesn’t bother you, it doesn’t bother you.

I don't even open my post..

Some people just don’t manage their ‘correspondence’ well & are extremely disorganised. I met up with a friend today who can be very flaky about getting back to me. She brought out her phone to show me something and I noticed that she had 75 text notifications still to be dealt with.

I’m a disgusting mix of ’i can’t stand that fuckin notification blob’ and ‘I’m too busy to reply right now’ so messages get opened and not replied to. I deffo don’t do it on purpose, I’m just very busy and I also lose my phone 500 times a day so sometimes hours go by and I haven’t even glanced at it.

messages liek ‘how you doing hun’ I just don’t really bother to reply to because it’s just people ‘keeping in touch’ and always ends with ok thank you? Yea good thanks. Pointless. We can still be friends without that rigamarole.

I don't understand why you haven't read the message OP, then the notification thingy will disappear.
Who cares if you don't respond straight away. Unless you don't want your friend to know you have read it, which is weird.

Anyway, you seem to be massively overthinking this.

You do you, let other people do them. I find this approach best.

The same reason I mark emails as "unread" at work - it reminds me that I have action I need to take on that message when I have the capacity to do so. If I read it and left it marked as read and then didn't deal with it immediately for whatever reason, I'd likely forget I needed to.

Some people I know (not me) have HUNDREDS notifications on messaging apps, emails, etc. - not everyone have this OCD where you have to make sure there are no notification circles anywhere. Also, believe it or not, there are people who get a lot of messages all the time, who are busy, and who have to prioritise. But yes, they would respond if they thought it was important. Flaky/ disinterested people are annoying; its up to you - ignore them or accept occasional joy of actually seeing them.

I would read the message that bothers you and not respond. I actually disabled blue ticks on Whatsapp and never looked back ))))

I will usually respond when I see something come in, but I won't always see it immediately. Sometimes I think, " oh, I'll just finish doing <whatever it is I happen to be doing> and then I can focus on the reply," and by the time I finish the thing, I've already managed to forget. Ans I have a couple of vontacts where it's not an easy relationship so I need to think about the reply.

And currently I have a former date waiting on a response as I'm trying to decide if I want to reply at all, as I suspect he wants sex rather than just friendship, but can't tell from, " how are you?" (I haven't opened the message, but I was looking at my phone when it came in, so saw a preview.) Such indecision with others in the past has led me to realise a month has passed, I still didn't reply and didn't notice it was so long, so I'm clearly not that bothered and there's no point replying now. Ghosting through apathy. I don't approve of ghosting, but I end up doing it by just prioritising other things (including MN), which includes times of not looking at my phone at all. I have now spent more time thinking about it than it deserves.

Can't you just swipe the notifications away without opening? Or does it keep coming back? I'm usually pretty quick to reply

Yes, it is hard work. We all have our own messaging style and if you're a get-it-off-my-desk kind of person, like me, then just reply right away or at your own speed.

The only time this doesn't apply is when you're dating; being a keen bean in the beginning might not be the best look.

In general (not on mumsnet) people have their phone on them most of the time and should be replying same day if they value you. Unless msg is read at an inconvenient time and then forgotten.

Get it off your desk! :)

This is what I think. Most people have their phone with them/near them/on them all the time, so if you are quite important to them, why do they not message back in a timely manner? Like if not immediately, say, within an hour?

Some people are busy/at work, and maybe cannot answer for a few hours, but there's no excuse for not responding say in the evening... Like the OP, I don't get it.

You can do this, but all messages will then be flagged up as having been 'read.' (I think.)