So this thing where people don't read or respond to messages, I tried it. AIBU that it seems like quite hard work to me?

[canyouimaginethis]

I am someone who likes to hear from people and are pleased when they message me. I read and respond same day.

Other people don't do this and I have friends who take a few days to get back to me and I get that they reply when convenient.

But I have a couple of flaky friends who are in touch intermittently when it suits them. I'm always the one to initiate contact etc.

So one friend I haven't contacted since last year, I messaged her recently and she ignored my message for a week before she got back to me. So I'm trying it out, this only read and reply if you feel like it thing and I'm actually finding it really hard work.

Her message has been sitting there for a week, I know what it says as I read the preview I just haven't opened it. The annoying notification dot is there every time I open my whatsapp and I keep thinking it's a new message. But no, it's just the old message that I'm studiously ignoring.

AIBU that keeping people hanging like this is annoying and actually harder work over the long term than just opening the damn thing and sending a reply?

You're letting your phone control you and that's why this is a struggle for you. Technology should be your slave, not your master. It shouldn't bother you to the extent that you are drawing conclusions about power plays or relationship dynamics. In addition, the fact you even have time to do that might be worth looking at.

I don't understand why people don't just open a WhatsApp message and then not reply. Why purposely avoid reading it or read it without opening it?

Why is it seen as less rude to not open it and not reply then to open it and not reply?!

Everyone will stop replying & ignore the OP now so the thread will just go the same way as her whatsapp 😆

oh my god no.. facetiming someone who isn't expecting it is just rude.. almost like walking into someone's house without knocking!

No you're not.

You're bothered that she hasn't replied to you quick enough, you're assuming that means she doesn't care/doesn't know what real friendship is/ whatever nonsense you're assuming and you're trying to 'give her a taste of her own medicine'. It obviously isn't suiting you since you're obsessing over it to the point you're making a post on MN about how much 'hard work' it is not to reply.

You're being a passive aggressive twat and the post you just made is dripping in it.

Doesn’t bother me either. I currently have 3,118 unread emails, which makes DH itch but literally doesn’t register when I see it on my phone screen. You’re either a notification clearer or you’re not, and I don’t think you can switch sides.

I didn't say it was a problem. I said that there's not some mysterious thing that you're gonna discover, like, "ahaa, THIS is why people don't always reply quickly!". The reasons people don't respond quickly are myriad, endless really. The only way you'd discover a reason for yourself to not reply quickly would be if something came up in your life, or changed longterm, that meant you couldn't, or didn't like to. Do you see? You're just coming across rather snarky, like "Oh, I'm just trying out being rude, like my friend. Why can she do it but not me?". That's how your posts are reading. There's nothing to discover by deliberately not responding quickly.

I found a half typed text message I was sending my sister a few weeks ago . I obviously had got distracted and thought I had sent it 🤷‍♀️

In fact, OP, why don't you instead try and come up with some reasons why people might not respond for a while? That would be more enlightening and useful for you than whatever it is you're doing now. This is a genuine suggestion btw, not snark. Try and list reasons why someone might take hours, days or weeks to respond to a non-urgent whatsapp message.

15,000 unread emails. An unread whatsapp is not going to register.

But I turned off notifications on my phone for whatsapp - and if you do that, you’ll find it much easier to not see messages too 😁

Archive the message and then you won't see it (I still check my archive )

Interesting post. As a variable responder I can say sometimes I don’t answer for a while because:

1)My mind is fried/PMT and I can’t think of anything relevant or interesting enough to be worth their time. I could 😂 or whatever but that seems a bit dismissive.
2)I start to reply then someone wants me for something else so I forget to go back and finish.
3)I read it late then I go to sleep and forget it’s there.
4)they want an opinion, or to arrange something, and I need peace to think it over/check details.
5) I am too busy to properly engage and know if I open it I’ll need to jump in.

its never because of lack of love (cos people I don’t like don’t have my number). If it was left unread it would likely be because of 4) or 5).

My oldest brother is a keen messager and always complaining about my lack of last seen and blue ticks on WhatsApp. Personally, I prefer to use it as being like email rather than a constant ongoing convo. Not saying this is you OP, you sound rational and a good communicator, but I do think instant messaging brings out the panicky side in some people who take the instant bit rather literally. I don’t have notifications so it’s not an issue. I am also a child of the eighties so still occasionally think
‘if it’s vital can you not just ring me!’

I have 5,053 unread emails, 9 unread texts, 23 voice messages and 6 unread WhatsApp’s. It doesn’t cause me any stress. I’m not actively avoiding them. I know roughly what is in there and what is urgent and not urgent.

If you are finding it stressful not reading and dealing with her message then it’s not the approach for you. We all have different relationships with our phones, and different reasons for how we manage our lives. Do what works for you. If you don’t like how she manages it for herself, cool the friendship.

Nope it definitely doesn’t annoy me. I don’t even notice.

why don't you turn off your "last seen" and "online" status in the WhatsApp settings then you can read messages and no one will know (unless it's a Group Chat where you can't turn them off).

AIBU that keeping people hanging like this is annoying and actually harder work over the long term than just opening the damn thing and sending a reply?

It's annoying to you, not annoying to me.

But I have 5,409 unread emails in my Inbox.

Hadn't seen this ^^. Beat you! :)

This. Ive always got unread messages. I scrolled down the other day and realised I had a few totally unread messages that I had no idea about.

Doesn’t annoy me as I’ve turned all my notifications off as was getting fed up with constant messages. Maybe your friend has done the same?

To be honest it’s more people I like and care about more who I spend longer to reply to. I want to wait till I have space and time to write a proper message rather than a perfunctory one.

I also find getting constant messages overwhelming sometimes – I honestly find it difficult to keep up, about 10 years ago I would be chatting on fb messenger all day, I just don’t know how I did it.

I find the requirement to always be available responding to messages quite stressful now. Definitely the pandemic has an an impact. I just switched off from being connected to people a bit.

And also end up feeling guilty and anxious about ones I haven’t replied to straight away, and to be honest I then feel even more like I need to be in the right headspace to sit down and write a proper reply which then includes an apology/explanation for the delay.

I‘ve actually considered seeking out CBT or something for it as the anxiety I feel around keeping up with messaging is a bit disproportionate. If I don’t reply quickly it’s not apathy, but more likely stress and guilt that I didn’t reply immediately and wanting to give it my proper attention but feeling overwhelmed with that and the million other things I have to do.

Aggh I honestly find it all hard work, and it is not a reflection of the people who write, more just the tyranny of smartphones and constant messaging.

I don't understand why people who ignore messages continue to be bombarded by messages. How does that work?

Why do people you don't reply to keep messaging you incessantly? Gives me stalker vibes.

I get you, OP! I also read my messages when they come in. I am way too nosey just to leave them unopened. It doesn't mean I reply instantly, just that I read them. I also have no unread emails on either my work or home addresses. I guess people are just different that way.

I've got 7,000 unread email in my hotmail but that's just company nonsense not messages from people I know, Hotmail organises stuff I need to read from people I know separately when it comes in.

People with 5,000 unread emails surely aren't suggesting they've ignored 5,000 messages from friends and family are they?!

But it’s not the same because she probably forgets to reply so it’s not hard work, whereas you’re remembering not to reply- there’s a huge difference.

People like her most probably have dozens of unread WhatsApp messages, several missed call notifications, hundreds other other phone app notifications, thousands of unread emails - so one more notification doesn’t really mean anything (and it becomes a cycle of missing things because there’s no real notification process). That’s certainly how I operate until I feel huge guilt and answer my week’s unread WhatsApp messages in one go.

I don’t know what emails I get anymore - I know if it’s urgent I’ll also get a call or text about the issue. I got to the point of having 100,000 unread emails in my Hotmail inbox so I started a new email with google. God knows who emails me on hotmail they won’t have a response. For my Gmail I search for emails I’m expecting and search occasionally for the emails from my kids’ school if I want to know when the the next trip is on (most times I rely on the class WhatsApp group reminders).

Anyone who randomly emails me without letting me know on another medium (call or text) will join the thousands of unread emails and won’t get a response unfortunately.