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Original poster

Sharing bank account details with partner

88 replies

HScully · 19/05/2023 09:01

I have been with my OH for 10 years.

We both earn roughly the same and put an equal amount into a shared account each month that covers bills & mortgage. Then we have our own personal accounts for the remaining which we typically use as we please.

Thinks have been tight lately due to the cost of living, but we are ok just having to tighten up on spending.

Last night OH stated that they only has £xxx in their personal account. No big deal pay day is soon and everything is covered. They asked me how much I had which was similar.

Then they asked if they could look through the transactions on my banking ap.
I said no - they acted like I was been unreasonable and asked what I had to hide.

I have said that I have nothing to hide but it does feel intrusive and makes me feel uncomfortable. They have now said they are worried I am hiding things.

I am not hiding anything, but to keep things in context I do have an expensive hobby that they ae aware of but probably don't realise how expensive. How ever I don't drink, smoke, buy clothes, barely spend any money on myself.

Am I being unreasonable to keep the details of my personal bank account to myself? I am open and honest about what funds I have, I just don't want to share the details.

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 19/05/2023 09:03

What was. their reason for wanting to look?

Rumplestrumpet · 19/05/2023 09:04

I have full access to my husband's account but don't look because it's none of my business. I'm very open about my finances but, like you, would maybe be a bit uncomfortable if he wanted to see everything.... Maybe the more he asks the less you want to share?

EmmaEmerald · 19/05/2023 09:04

I can't see why they'd want to look.

Divebar2021 · 19/05/2023 09:04

Errrr no I wouldn’t be doing that. What are they looking for? If you need to review who is paying for what then fair enough but they don’t need to look at your account.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 19/05/2023 09:05

If you’re true partners with the aim of getting married and having children some day, and subsequently will have a joint account then, I don’t see why you would have a problem with this.

You say you’re not hiding anything but you are, you’re trying to hide how expensive your hobby really is.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 19/05/2023 09:05

Certainly not ok. We have the same set up and our bank accounts are our own.

Divebar2021 · 19/05/2023 09:07

I’m married and would not be happy with my husband scrolling through my personal bank account checking up on me. I would never dream of asking him either.

misskatamari · 19/05/2023 09:07

You're not being unreasonable. You're not comfortable with it, that's your boundary. Just because DP doesn't like it doesn't make you wrong, or mean you should let him look.

Each couple and relationship is different, e.g. DH and i have a joint bank account where we can see all spending if we choose to, that works for us, but even with that I would feel very uncomfortable if he went through it and questioned what I spend my money on. You're perfectly valid in feeling like this is an overstep and intrusive. You're open with him about the money you have available, so what reason does he have for wanting to go through transactions, apart from being able to judge them.

LittleCity · 19/05/2023 09:08

I wouldn’t care if my partner did, but he wouldn’t be interested. What was his reason for wanting to look?

NoSquirrels · 19/05/2023 09:09

Why did he want to look? Did he explain why?

Does he earn a lot less than you or are your pretty equally matched in that sense? Because if you’re both putting the same amount into the joint account but one of you earns less, so is left with less to spend on themselves, that’s the kind of situation where it starts to get tricky and feel unfair.

Reugny · 19/05/2023 09:11

SunnySaturdayMorning · 19/05/2023 09:05

If you’re true partners with the aim of getting married and having children some day, and subsequently will have a joint account then, I don’t see why you would have a problem with this.

You say you’re not hiding anything but you are, you’re trying to hide how expensive your hobby really is.

They already have a joint account.

Personal account is so they can spend money how they like on what they like including buying presents for the other person.

Most of my siblings and quite a few of my friends have this set up.

NoSquirrels · 19/05/2023 09:11

Sorry, you said in your OP you earn similar, so it’s not that. (Unless ‘similar’ = actually a difference of £00s each month)

Copasetic · 19/05/2023 09:12

I'm always a bit intrigued by personal bank accounts. When we got married 33 years ago, it just seemed normal to open a joint bank account. My eldest daughter recently married and did the same. Therefore, if we did have separate bank accounts I'd have no problem with him looking at it since in my current set up we see all that the other spends anyway.

HazyDragon · 19/05/2023 09:13

We have the same set up. And this request would be a no from me, not that DH would ever ask! It's weird.

If we are both sitting down and going through our monthly spending together and looking where we can make some savings, that's different.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/05/2023 09:13

Why does he want to look?

Original poster
HScully · 19/05/2023 09:13

We have a joint account- we pay equally into this and it covers all of our bills.

My hobby is expensive but they were aware of it when we met 10 years ago and I have always made it clear non negational. We will likely get married but will not be having children- My OH is also female and we have both made the decision that children are not for us.

I was happy to show the balance on my accounts but going through each transaction just feels intrusive, and like I am being judged/not trusted.

OP posts:
Reugny · 19/05/2023 09:16

It is intrusive.

Your personal spends are just that as long as you aren't hiding a gambling habit, debt or spending on something unsavoury.

If your partner wants to know your salarly then leave your payslip out. Though when mine did that I discussed with him how much he should be putting into his pension.

Wellhellother · 19/05/2023 09:17

Totally missing the point but op do you have a horse? I wouldn't care about DH seeing my bank account were it not for the horse related bills that he know exist but doesn't quite really just how high they are. Like you my horse and expenses are also non negotiable and he was told that from day 1.
If I could remove those expenses I would have no issue with him seeing my account

NoSquirrels · 19/05/2023 09:17

Did your DP explain why they wanted to look?

HazyDragon · 19/05/2023 09:17

I'm always a bit intrigued by personal bank accounts.

I'm equally intrigued by people who are happy not to have their own bank account.

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 19/05/2023 09:18

SunnySaturdayMorning · 19/05/2023 09:05

If you’re true partners with the aim of getting married and having children some day, and subsequently will have a joint account then, I don’t see why you would have a problem with this.

You say you’re not hiding anything but you are, you’re trying to hide how expensive your hobby really is.

I’ve been married 20+ years, have dc.

no joint accounts, everything is completely separate.

does that mean we aren’t “true partners”?

this works for us. Why judge a relationship on how people share their money?

rainraingoawaay · 19/05/2023 09:18

I think it is intrusive to specifically request to go through your personal banking transactions in your personal bank account - it reeks of suspicion, to me I would be thinking they didn't believe me about the amount I said I had left / wanted to try and find something. There's zero need to see what's going in and out of your account.

Your joint account is contributed to, the bills are covered and in your situation what is left is your own. There's no need for them to dig through a list of your transactions imo!

greennotepad · 19/05/2023 09:19

My ex-DH did this, he was tighter than a duck's arsehole and wanted to see if I'd spent my money on stuff he considered a waste eg the odd Starbucks so he could subsequently berate me for it.

I didn't realise until I recently sat down for a chat on finances with my current DP (we're about to make a large purchase) how much my ex's behaviour messed me up about money- I offered to show DP my bank transactions and he looked at me like I had two heads.

Original poster
HScully · 19/05/2023 09:20

Wellhellother · 19/05/2023 09:17

Totally missing the point but op do you have a horse? I wouldn't care about DH seeing my bank account were it not for the horse related bills that he know exist but doesn't quite really just how high they are. Like you my horse and expenses are also non negotiable and he was told that from day 1.
If I could remove those expenses I would have no issue with him seeing my account

ha ha nail on the head :)

OP posts:
GOODCAT · 19/05/2023 09:21

We keep our finances separate and have been married for a long time. We do this as we both like the freedom to manage our finances as we think fit subject to paying for the expenses we have each agreed to pay and remaining solvent.

I too have an expensive hobby and I would not take kindly to being asked to justify any of my spending. I am sensible with money but almost all of my discretionary spend goes on this. It is not for my husband to look at or comment anymore than it would be for me to look at or comment on his spending.