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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sharing bank account details with partner

88 replies

HScully · 19/05/2023 09:01

I have been with my OH for 10 years.

We both earn roughly the same and put an equal amount into a shared account each month that covers bills & mortgage. Then we have our own personal accounts for the remaining which we typically use as we please.

Thinks have been tight lately due to the cost of living, but we are ok just having to tighten up on spending.

Last night OH stated that they only has £xxx in their personal account. No big deal pay day is soon and everything is covered. They asked me how much I had which was similar.

Then they asked if they could look through the transactions on my banking ap.
I said no - they acted like I was been unreasonable and asked what I had to hide.

I have said that I have nothing to hide but it does feel intrusive and makes me feel uncomfortable. They have now said they are worried I am hiding things.

I am not hiding anything, but to keep things in context I do have an expensive hobby that they ae aware of but probably don't realise how expensive. How ever I don't drink, smoke, buy clothes, barely spend any money on myself.

Am I being unreasonable to keep the details of my personal bank account to myself? I am open and honest about what funds I have, I just don't want to share the details.

OP posts:

ZoeDavoMCR · 19/05/2023 22:56

SunnySaturdayMorning · 19/05/2023 09:05

If you’re true partners with the aim of getting married and having children some day, and subsequently will have a joint account then, I don’t see why you would have a problem with this.

You say you’re not hiding anything but you are, you’re trying to hide how expensive your hobby really is.

I’ve been with my husband nearly 20 years and have 2 kids, we don’t have a joint bank account and never will I don’t expect

Dingdong90 · 19/05/2023 23:09

Wellhellother · 19/05/2023 09:17

Totally missing the point but op do you have a horse? I wouldn't care about DH seeing my bank account were it not for the horse related bills that he know exist but doesn't quite really just how high they are. Like you my horse and expenses are also non negotiable and he was told that from day 1.
If I could remove those expenses I would have no issue with him seeing my account

Soon as I saw expensive hobby, I thought, she definitely has a horse 😂 it's been 15 years since I gave that up, coincidentally the same time as I met my partner, he would've had a heart attack if he saw how much money I sank into looking after them 🙈

anon067 · 19/05/2023 23:47

I wouldn't be happy but I find it strange that some people only have joint accounts.

Some right nonsense on here though, you can be 'true partners' with someone and also have a mortgage with them without seeing every single penny they spend.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 19/05/2023 23:57

You're mot married and the only reason they wanted to check was to make sure you didn't have more money than you said. Because they want it. I wouldnt ever be sharing my finances with someone like that.

JudgeRudy · 20/05/2023 00:46

SunnySaturdayMorning · 19/05/2023 09:05

If you’re true partners with the aim of getting married and having children some day, and subsequently will have a joint account then, I don’t see why you would have a problem with this.

You say you’re not hiding anything but you are, you’re trying to hide how expensive your hobby really is.

What's a true partner? You're implying that if they were really together, she would happily share these details. That's just not so. It is not about trust or love or closeness. Different people chose to come together in different ways. Why does he need to check her transactions?
BTW, many couples have separate personal accounts plus one shared/bills account. That's perfectly normal.
Regards the hobby, yes maybe she doesn't want him to know exactly what it costs, and maybe he doesn't want her to see the crude banter he engages in on his mates WhatsApp group. Not ever detail needs to be shared.

Aria999 · 20/05/2023 03:47

It's a bit weird that he wants to look.

DH gives me his login details every year to do the tax return but at least that's a reason for me to see it!

Wildspace · 20/05/2023 05:25

Joint account or separate accounts have no bearing on the quality of relationship - there’s some weird perspectives on here. Previous relationships have had joint accounts and they didn’t last. Now married with DC and we have completely separate finances apart from mortgage with offset account. I’m the higher earner. I don’t need him to see the amount I spend. I don’t need to see the amount he spends on his random shit he decides to buy. As long as bills and mortgage are covered and no debt is ramping up then no issues.

Gay2 · 21/05/2023 01:08

Hi. Also a same-sex relationship …
also 10 years in.

this was my first major red flag for me . We had a joint account and all bills come from there. Each payday we send a set amount (same) into there together. The rest that’s is left is for petrol, groceries, other expenses and personal stuff

BUT…..
since kids we have switched account and muddled everything up. Now my wages go into joint account. Her wages go into my account and we all have access to everything BUT she is extremely controlling with money. I will have to ask if I can put petrol in my car, I have to ask if I can grab a coffee on the way to work. Permission for everything because she controls the finances.

try and keep it separate.

and good luck for the future. Any other red flags please listen to them. This is tough

LadyJ2023 · 21/05/2023 01:13

Weird marriages having separate accounts etc etc ..nothing is hidden or secret in ours and that's the way its meant to be and anything can be talked about.

CurlewKate · 21/05/2023 08:30

There is a huge difference between secrecy and privacy. My partner and I don't open each other's letters, or go through each other's bags or phones. Not because we have anything to hide, but because we are separate people entitled to privacy.

gamerchick · 21/05/2023 08:33

SunnySaturdayMorning · 19/05/2023 09:05

If you’re true partners with the aim of getting married and having children some day, and subsequently will have a joint account then, I don’t see why you would have a problem with this.

You say you’re not hiding anything but you are, you’re trying to hide how expensive your hobby really is.

I've been married a long time and don't and will never have a joint account.. it's not law.

Noicant · 21/05/2023 08:44

I wouldn’t care if DH saw it (which he does because he’s an accountant with a spreadsheet). He never questions what I spend, he’ll ask occasionally so he allocates things against the right budget.

Tbh though if you are contributing fairly and you specifically keep money for your own personal spends theres no reason for her to have a nosey. If she finds you spend a lot on your hobby so what. Are you worried that she’s going to expect you to cut back to contribute more to the pot?

sandyhappypeople · 21/05/2023 09:02

Gay2 · 21/05/2023 01:08

Hi. Also a same-sex relationship …
also 10 years in.

try and keep it separate.

and good luck for the future. Any other red flags please listen to them. This is tough

it makes my blood run cold to hear people having to do this, having to ask for your own money, especially for necessities.

it doesn’t sound like you’re happy with the new situation, is there no way you would be able to change it back more to how it was or is it because money is tighter now having children and every penny has to be accounted for?

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