Sharing bank account details with partner

[HScully]

I have been with my OH for 10 years.

We both earn roughly the same and put an equal amount into a shared account each month that covers bills & mortgage. Then we have our own personal accounts for the remaining which we typically use as we please.

Thinks have been tight lately due to the cost of living, but we are ok just having to tighten up on spending.

Last night OH stated that they only has £xxx in their personal account. No big deal pay day is soon and everything is covered. They asked me how much I had which was similar.

Then they asked if they could look through the transactions on my banking ap.
I said no - they acted like I was been unreasonable and asked what I had to hide.

I have said that I have nothing to hide but it does feel intrusive and makes me feel uncomfortable. They have now said they are worried I am hiding things.

I am not hiding anything, but to keep things in context I do have an expensive hobby that they ae aware of but probably don't realise how expensive. How ever I don't drink, smoke, buy clothes, barely spend any money on myself.

Am I being unreasonable to keep the details of my personal bank account to myself? I am open and honest about what funds I have, I just don't want to share the details.

The main reason she has a similar amount left to me at the end of the month (despite my hobby) Is cars - she has a newish car on finance, I chose to have an older car I bought outright. She doesn't need a newer car she has a much smaller commute than me, but that is her choice. Neither of us struggle financially more than the other - it is all pretty equal in that respect

Ha....I was going to ask this question too :) my ponies are my sanity and prob cost less than therapy but doesn't mean my husband needs to see exactly what they cost me

I've been with my dh 30 years, married for 20. 2 DC.We don't have a joint account, never have. Are we not "true partners" then?

So she thinks she has the right to spend a lot of money on a car, but that you are being unreasonable spending a lot of money on horses? No, I would not be showing her my bank account.

This. DH have same arrangement as you as earn very similar. We both pay the same X amount into joint on 1st of month of month and it covers mortgage and all household bills. We use our personal accounts for personal spends. I'd be furious if DH wanted to check up on my spending. I'd never ask to see his. I'm better at saving too. I think my dh would be surprised if he knew how much I'd managed to save. He spends more than I do.

So you both agreed you had a similar amount left til the end of the month.

She said ‘Can I look at what you spend your money on?’

You said either just ‘No!’ or ‘No! Why?’

If you didn’t ask why - why not?
If you did, what was her reason?

If your agreed set up is joint account for joint/household expenses and personal accounts for personal spends (we have the same system btw) then no right at all to go through your transactions. Why does she want to know? She felt her personal account was a bit low... and so what? If she needs you to help her out then that could be discussed (though I'd say not a reasonable expectation if you have roughly the same spends to manage) but even so surely only the total is relevant, which you willingly told her! Have you asked WHY she wants to go through your transactions. I'd be annoyed if my husband asked to do this. He was happy with separate personal accounts and is none of his business what I spend or save from my personal funds. He has his own and it doesn't affect him. The main reason we have this system is because we have very different spending habits. He fritters daily and has nothing much to show for it but would be unhappy without his "frittering money". I am much more cautious and put extra into pension and savings. I also like to save up for a big expense like cosmetic dentistry, getting my eyes lasered etc. When I do one of my splurge purchases I do sometimes hear grumpy remarks that suggest he thinks I'm selfish for spending a large amount on myself in one go but I'm quick to remind him that he has the same opportunity but spends differently. If he saw my transactions or money building up he would be even more annoying about it. It's not "hidden" as such, it's just separate and better that way! Saves gripes and bickering.

Wouldn’t bother me but it does you so say no.

So you both have a similar amount of personal money, and both have an expensive outgoing that takes a lot of your own money.

What does she think you are hiding?

Loads of savings, because she doesn't realise how much horses cost?

Loads of debt, because she knows that horses are expensive?

An affair because she thinks that horses are the (mostly) female equivalent of golf/cycling in terms of they take all your time and money so are a good cover for another relationship?

I think it depends on what the aim is. If the aim is to both work out where you can make savings, save up for something or if the joint account needs more then I see no issue in both sitting down and going through transactions together.
I do this regularly with my DH so that we can alter things, find better deals etc to me it's good financial management.

If however the reason is to simply state that your hobby is too expensive then this is different.

If she's also low on £, why does she feel the need to check your spending? Are you allowed to look at hers? Sounds like she wants to find things to have a moan at and possibly tell you what you should spend on.
I have my own account and am the higher earner and would laugh if my DP thought he could dictate my spending, bills are paid no need for it.

nooooo!
My husband and I both have expensive hobbies (musical instruments and horses) and just don't think about what the other spends on their hobbies as long as the bills get paid :D

if bills and mortgage is 50/50 then the left over money is yours to spend as you wish!

I wouldn't show her either OP! I also thought horse when you said about the hobby 😂

I think @honeylulu has hit the nail on the head . People rarely understand or agree with other people's expenditure because we all have different needs, wants and priorities. The example of her husband moaning when she's saved up for a big expense is a perfect illustration - she manages her money differently to him but he evidently perceives that somehow she is taking something away from him/finances because she chooses to manage her money in a way that makes it appear she has more than he does.

I think that's usually what happens - each have £1000 spare to spend for instance. One fritters it away and bas nothing left at the end of the month, one saves half every month. The fritterer always, always thinks the saved half should be theirs to access when they want to make a big purchase they've not saved up for.

Horses are soooo expensive I'd guarantee your partner will be horrified if she sees what you spend, and also perceive that you're overspending and it's somehow unfair, because she wouldn't spend on a luxury like a horse and "think what WE could do with that money..." I'd bet this though that she sees her car as a necessity and therefore somehow different!

We have a joint account and we only use that for all of our spending so I could see exactly what he buys and vice versa. We keep an eye on our outgoings each month to ensure we're not going over budget. We don't question individual purchases or anything like that. But we have shared goals in regards to our finances and have discussed in depth and agreed to how much we'd like to limit our spending to per month on non-essentials , how much we'd like to save etc. so if either of us then wants to go and buy something that would be an usually large purchase or take us over what we've agreed then we would discuss it first. It works for us.

However we had agreed to have a joint account a long time ago, and agreed to share our finances in this way as it made sense for our lifestyle and for us as a couple.
If that's not been prior agreed on and discussed then it's not OK to expect to be able to see your account. I don't think it's necessarily wrong to ask but you're not wrong for saying no.

We have the same set up and I’d never ask or agree to look through bank statements.

If I was short on cash I could ask if partner could cover me and he’d probably just give me the money anyway (it all comes out in the wash anyway) but yes I’d be pissed off asking to see my bank account.

YANBU. It is intrusive. A bit like someone going through your handbag, or mooching through your diary.
The way you have organised your finances means that you are both contributing to the essentials, and then you each have your own private accounts to choose to use on whatever luxuries you choose. The entire point of two halves of a couple having their own private accounts is that it is for their own choice of what they use it for, and the partner doesn't get to judge. It is exactly why dh and I set up our own "pocket money" accounts 30 odd years ago - because we value different things. I would be very cross if he was using our joint money to spend what he spends on, so we set things up that we each have the same amount every month to spend and it is nothing to do with the other one, what their partner spends it on.

personally i wouldnt mind my partner seeing my bank transactions BUT i would be very angry that they actually asked too. like why?? why could they possibly need to see MY transactions of what ive spent MY money on??

Is it that they think your lying?? that maybe you have a secret fund so they cant use your money etc

That's very weird. He's the one running out of money! Surely you should see his transactions. I wouldn't be bothered if DH looked at mine. We have the same system for money, as long as we can make our relative contributions to joint account for essentials, i don't care what he does with his money beyond that.

you’re true partners with the aim of getting married and having children some day, and subsequently will have a joint account then, I don’t see why you would have a problem with this.
I don't agree with this. I have been married 30+ years. We have separate accounts and always have done we both pay for certain shares expenses. We know how much we both have in each account roughly. But we wouldn't dream of asking to go through each others statements! Why would we?
OP you are not being unreasonable why does he want to look and has he offered to let you look through his statements it's a very strange request

why does he want to look and has he offered to let you look through his statements
Apologies OP why does she want to look.

@SunnySaturdayMorning "If you’re true partners with the aim of getting married and having children some day, and subsequently will have a joint account then, I don’t see why you would have a problem with this"
Why are you assuming that they will get married or have a joint account?

YANBU OP.

I have been together with DH for 25 years and we have two kids, but we have never had a joint account (so apparently we aren't "true partners"!).

I would not want him to ask to look through my transaction history. For me it's not about being secretive, it's about not wanting to have a discussion where every transaction is minutely scrutinised. There's something about the asking permission that makes me uncomfortable. Something about giving your partner permission to judge you that I don't like.

As I say, I'm not secretive. I still get paper statements for my current account which I quite often leave lying around so there are certainly no secrets from DH. He's free to look if he chooses. But I haven't given him express permission and he couldn't question me about my spending without admitting to having trawled through my statements.

If I had never looked at my husband's bank statements he wouldn't have noticed the couple of hundred quid being paid to Sky TV that turned out to be a genuine error (somebody else's Sky account that accidentally used his bank number) or the "insurance" that PC World starting charging him despite him saying no to it and if he hadn't looked at mine I might have not noticed the time I was accidentally charged twice for something.
Sometimes a second pair of eyes can spot things the first pair of eyes haven't.
I don't understand why people get married (or another commitment like having a mortgage) but can't talk about each others finances.
In my humble opinion that is !

I would have no problem giving access, but that’s because I wouldn’t expect my partner to look. I don’t like the fact that they’ve asked- it’s almost like they want to check whether they agree with what you are spending on.

Id probably give access, but then when they questioned “another payment to the farrier” erupt into its a it’s none of your business type row.