Sharing bank account details with partner

[HScully]

I have been with my OH for 10 years.

We both earn roughly the same and put an equal amount into a shared account each month that covers bills & mortgage. Then we have our own personal accounts for the remaining which we typically use as we please.

Thinks have been tight lately due to the cost of living, but we are ok just having to tighten up on spending.

Last night OH stated that they only has £xxx in their personal account. No big deal pay day is soon and everything is covered. They asked me how much I had which was similar.

Then they asked if they could look through the transactions on my banking ap.
I said no - they acted like I was been unreasonable and asked what I had to hide.

I have said that I have nothing to hide but it does feel intrusive and makes me feel uncomfortable. They have now said they are worried I am hiding things.

I am not hiding anything, but to keep things in context I do have an expensive hobby that they ae aware of but probably don't realise how expensive. How ever I don't drink, smoke, buy clothes, barely spend any money on myself.

Am I being unreasonable to keep the details of my personal bank account to myself? I am open and honest about what funds I have, I just don't want to share the details.

If I was happily married, this wouldn't bother me at all. All the money coming in goes into one account and what's mine is his etc.

However, if I wasn't married then he wouldn't get to look tbh. None of his business.

If finances are tight then it's fair enough to review how much is being spent on non-essentials but is your DP also offering to go through her account line by line?

Surely it makes more sense to go through the house account and see if things like utilities can be changed (unlikely but one can hope).

If you never agreed to share finances 100%, YANBU.

I know this is a potential source of huge arguments/resentful silences for OP and her husband, but I find it funny that another poster suspected 'because: horses'. And was right!

If you have personal accounts that you don't want your partner to access you are hiding things. Not for any nefarious reason just for privacy.

Wouldn't bother me, we both have our own accounts (a legacy of single days long ago) as well as our joint account. The personal accounts were mainly used for odds and ends, the amounts were small and neither of us cared about whether we used our own account or the joint for spend. I did/do have a slightly costly hobby he's not keen on (motorbike) but although he's not keen is happy enough to facilitate it by helping wuth maintenance and costs. Can't really think I'd be worried about talking about anything financial with him.

Downside of the joint account - I can see how much he spends on presents for me.

*sorry, OP - your wife, not husband!

Last night OH stated that they only has £xxx in their personal account. No big deal pay day is soon and everything is covered. They asked me how much I had which was similar.

Then they asked if they could look through the transactions on my banking ap.
I said no - they acted like I was been unreasonable and asked what I had to hide.

So she's assumed you should have more money left than her, when you have roughly the same.

Has she spent more than usual this month (that you know about?). If she's had a surprise bill i.e. car repairs then I can imagine it'd be a bit of a surprise that you've got 'so little' left and are not surprised about it iyswim.

I would absolutely hate that. I like my privacy. I can understand with completely joint accounts, but you don't have that. If she offering to share the details of her account? After all, she is spending as much as you and she doesn't have the expensive hobby.

For me it was because I wanted my financial freedom, we had a joint account for bills but other than that, no thanks. It came in handy when I left because I didn't have to open another one and had the funds to leave and be okay on my own.

Oh get stuffed, as if you can only be true partners if you're married and spend your days checking up on your wife's spending. Thats your financial information OP, the bank didn't send any details to him did they to log in and check your bank, there's a reason for that. Everyone has a right to financial privacy.

If you have a mortgage together surely you do need to know each others finances?
I wouldn't want a mortgage with someone who is secretive about their money.

It would depend on the reason for them asking, I’d have asked what their reasoning was? Has there been a time lately when they’ve asked you to do something and you’ve said you can’t afford it and they think you’re being unreasonable?

that is the only reason I could think of?

We have exactly the same setup as you OP, separate accounts and a joint account for bills/shared expenses which we ‘float’ at around £1000 to compensate for emergencies. I don’t ask to see his personal account and he doesn’t ask to see mine. If your partner is struggling I would expect them to talk to you about reducing their input to the joint account for a while, so they can get sorted, living on the breadline while the other partner is splashing out on an expensive hobby is quite demoralising, but there must be a reason why they’re struggling if you both earn the same?

I would show my partner if he asked but only if I knew his reasoning for asking, and if there was any sort of criticism of my spending habits I’d be shutting the conversation down straight away.

It's a bit of a reach to suggest not wanting to show your bank transactions anytime your partner has a random whim is the same as being "secretive". Presumably if there was a reason to share financial details- ie for a mortgage application- the OP would have no issue with that.

I don't think anyone with any sense so would be surprised that a horse is expensive so in that sense I think you're being unreasonable to be concerned that she'd be surprised by the costs. I think she'd be incredibly nieve to think a partner with a horse has a cheap hobby.

I'm in almost exactly the same position as you OP (been with DP for around 10 years, earn similarly, one joint account to cover mortgage/bills/holidays but otherwise we keep finances separate with personal accounts).

We would never ever dream of asking to go through the other person's personal account. Not even to look at the balance! And certainly not with a fine toothcomb at individual purchases.

If we were struggling to the extent that one of us felt they had to top up the joint account from their personal one, we'd have a conversation about upping the amount we transfer into it every month. Then it'd be up to us individually to make sure we had the funds to do so. It just wouldn't get to the stage of going through the other's personal spending - that would imply we don't trust each other financially and is verging on controlling behaviour. It's not a healthy mindset for a relationship.

On a side note I've never understood the attitude that my money is his money and vice versa, even if we got married. We pool money for necessities but beyond that the amount of money you have is your responsibility. I suppose earning equally helps with that.

I had a partner who would go through my bank account (I wasn’t allowed a credit card as she had one, but was happy with that as it helped make sure the temptation of spending wasn’t there - not that I had an issue with budgeting).

However, there would be hell to pay if I asked for the same. It took me a long time to realise that I should have reinforced boundaries but didn’t realise what that meant or the implications of not making boundaries.

I always took the view that I had nothing to hide. However, now I would either say that you respect my boundaries or we have equal access. Giving up things on an unequal basis sets the tone for other boundaries to be pushed.

Make sure you keep things balanced. If you don’t mind sharing then they should share too. Or you both agree to keep the accounts private.

We have very little left after joint/ family expenses so its a bit different and both quite scared of debt. I don't think to go through his account. I don't think he'd have an issue with me looking or vice versa. I guess it depends how the request comes across. I do check transactions on our joint account with him to know if they are genuine etc.

Just to give benefit of the doubt could she be wondering if there's something wrong on her side and wants to compare from that point of view? You have a very expensive hobby so you might think you would have less than her left if you otherwise had similar spending habits. The fact that you have similar amount left means her spending outside that hobby is higher than yours. If you do things together does it come from joint funds or you take turns or pay your own way etc?

I would show my balance but not allow them to pick through each transaction unless we were going through a budget type assessment.
You are paying your share and also entitled to privacy, they have no right, you're not even spouses so what is their problem exactly.

Hey, I'm with you OP, and me + OH have been together for well over 30 years! No kids, joint a/c to cover any joint expenses (+), personal for everything else. If there's enough in the joint a/c to cover outgoings, it doesn't matter what people do with their personal spending surely.
If your OH has a specific concern (like you are taking out loans and not saying, so that sometime soon you won't be able to contribute to joint expenses and your joint life and the credit rating of people at your shared address is about to explode) - she's got to stand up and say so. She thinks you're gambling or doing drugs, she's got to at least allude to it...

(+) apart from things like replacement car / kitchen etc

What difference does it make how expensive the horse is ? The household bills are covered and OP isn’t the one complaining about no money.

If you're both contributing enough to pay all your joint expenses (including annual/irregular ones) and the split is fair in relation to your income, then what you do with the rest of your money is up to the individual.

Even if you both need to up the contributions to the joint account, there's still no reason to scrutinise each other's transactions. You'd just need to agree the new amount and manage your personal spending on what you have left.

What is the reason - do they suspect you have more money to spend, or have built up savings, or are in debt?

I totally was going to say that!! Horses are my passion and are money drains but my DP would be out the door if he ever complained 🤣

Ask them if they plan to look through and try to tell you what you may and may not spend your money on.

Because that's why they want to look.

I also read the post about your hobby and thought “she’s got a horse”. My horsey friends play “guess the vets bill” frequently 🤣

I have recently encouraged dh to set up a personal bank account. I have had one for years. An old pre-relationship one I never closed.

Like many others we have a joint account. Everything goes into that and all bills and household expenses come out of it. But we each transfer a similar amount each month into our personal accounts. My dh used to have a problem at Christmas whereby he would have to transfer money to our daughter or take cash out of the cashpoint to buy me presents. It's none of my business whether or not he spends his monthly allowance in Pret or buys himself yet another item of tech as long as it isn't impacting on family money.

I would be uncomfortable at dh wanting to know everything that comes out of my personal account.