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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

94 replies

Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 12:11

So my partner moved in with me last year we already have a 5 year old together (we split for 3 years and he had nothing to do with us) and now have a 5 months old aswell, I have mental health issues that make it hard for me to hold down a job so I was previously on old style esa before he moved in, since his moved in my esa has stopped, he works full time and we have managed to claim joint universal credit which we get about £900 including the limited work capabilities payment,this goes straight in his bank account along with his wages which brings us to around £2000 per month,
I know this sounds ungrateful but he gives me £20 a week for my allowance, this is to cover things like Nappies or milk if I'm out and I've run out, he normally asks me to get bits from the shop whilst his at work which is not very easy and £20 doesnt stretch very far, I dont feel like i can ask him for money and I feel bad for having to ask him for things for myself if we're shopping like deodorant or sanitary products, I feel like the money is all his and I'm just being kept.
Is it just me and the way I'm feeling or am I just being an ungrateful cow, I'm just really struggling to come to terms with going from being completely independent to now living with someone and not having any financial independence at all.
Thank you for your time and sorry for the moaning x

OP posts:
SunnySaturdayMorning · 18/05/2023 12:12

If you are a family all money should be joint.

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 18/05/2023 12:13

YABU for having this man back in you and your DD life.

but in answer to your question, his salary should be paid into a joint account with you both to have the same amount of money to yourselves after paying bills/saving.

Cheetahmum · 18/05/2023 12:14

Have you spoken to him about access to money? About having a joint account that you both have carda for and use for family spending?

I mean I can't believe any man would genuinely think this is okay as it's financial abuse. And the face that he had nothing to do with you and his child for a few years is also very telling. He's not a good man.

CharlieCoCo · 18/05/2023 12:14

why are the childrens necessities, like nappies and formula coming out of "your" £20 and not "his" £1000+ ?? this is financial abuse and hes controlling you. you arent a child receiving pocket money.

Topseyt123 · 18/05/2023 12:14

It's financial abuse, I would say. I would think you need to separate again, this time permanently. He is a controlling piece of shit.

hogsmede · 18/05/2023 12:14

Are you married?

It's ver strange that he ditch you and his child for a few years and you gladly accept him back. Surely this can happen again?

Have you ever had a frank conversation with him about money and budgeting. £20k is not much at all for a family. I think you need to sit down and work out a full budget including putting some money aside for savings in case of an emergency.

Some people may say financial abuse but if you haven't communicated and worked out whether there is the money that it's not financial abuse.

ScatsThat · 18/05/2023 12:18

Money goes into a joint account for bills, food, nappies etc. Whatever is left should be split 50-50 and paid into individual accounts to spend as you wish.

TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 12:35

Oh dear, OP. Why did you let this prince among men back into your life?
He is being abusive.
You should have access to a reasonable sum of money, decided by you both.
I think it's time to kick him out again.

Original poster
Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 12:59

I have suggested a joint account for the universal credit money but he said that it's easier to keep the money going into his account as he would have to go down the job centre with the card to approve it ( this is true, but it would only take 10 minutes if that and he has Fridays off work so it's doable)
It's fine if he wants to keep his wages separately but I feel as the Uc was a joint claim it should be in a joint account, I can't see what he's using it for and he keeps making silly purchases like tools and clothes and other unnecessary things so it's obvious we have a bit left over, it would just be nice to know what's happening financially and for me to not constantly be in my overdraft.

I do love him very much and he is a good dad to his boys but sometimes he is very black and white and you can't get through to him

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 18/05/2023 13:02

Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 12:59

I have suggested a joint account for the universal credit money but he said that it's easier to keep the money going into his account as he would have to go down the job centre with the card to approve it ( this is true, but it would only take 10 minutes if that and he has Fridays off work so it's doable)
It's fine if he wants to keep his wages separately but I feel as the Uc was a joint claim it should be in a joint account, I can't see what he's using it for and he keeps making silly purchases like tools and clothes and other unnecessary things so it's obvious we have a bit left over, it would just be nice to know what's happening financially and for me to not constantly be in my overdraft.

I do love him very much and he is a good dad to his boys but sometimes he is very black and white and you can't get through to him

He is bullshitting you. He wants to keep the UC for himself and at the moment that is exactly what he is doing.

The UC as a joint claim should either be split equally or put into a joint account for you both to have access.

You need to get rid of this arsehole.

SeasonFinale · 18/05/2023 13:03

Why would he have to go to the job centre to change his bank account?

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 18/05/2023 13:03

He’s not a good dad.
he’s not a good partner or man.

do you and your kids a favour and kick this guy out. Also, check out The Freedom Program online.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/05/2023 13:05

What is your definition of a good dad op?

Original poster
Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 13:05

SeasonFinale · 18/05/2023 13:03

Why would he have to go to the job centre to change his bank account?

To change the account the money is payed to

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 13:06

In what way is he a good dad to the children, if he doesn't give their mother any money?
Please tell us all the ways he's a good dad.

Daffodil92 · 18/05/2023 13:07

You’re being financially abused my darling. It’s horrific that you’re scared to ask for money for cheap essentials like sanitary products (?!). Milk and nappies should come out of the main bank account, not your 20£ pocket money. What would he say if you suggested a joint bank account?
do you have supportive family?

Maray1967 · 18/05/2023 13:08

I’m going to put this very plainly- he is taking your money and you are letting him.

Get this sorted now - or he’s out. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Stand up for you and your DC.

JulieHoney · 18/05/2023 13:08

He doesn't need to change the accpount it's paid it to if he sets up a standing order to your account. That's a 30 second job on the phone or banking app.

devildeepbluesea · 18/05/2023 13:08

He is a terrible dad. He is withholding access to family money from them and their mother.

If you love him very much you need to look at why you think he’s all you’re worth. He’s a piece of shit.

CalistoNoSolo · 18/05/2023 13:08

Two children and no access to your own money, plus you don't work. Wonderful. Do you have a bank account and if so why was the joint claim automatically put in his account? Why, during the 3 years he wanted nothing to do with you did you not think perhaps he's not a good father at all but is in fact a useless waste of space who you're better off without? You sound incredibly passive OP. You have two children, if you have no hopes or dreams for you, do you not have any for them? Or will you be happy with them following in their father's footsteps?

Deathbyfluffy · 18/05/2023 13:10

I often defend men on here, but there's no saving this one.
What an awful man, you're better off without.

Ladykryptonite · 18/05/2023 13:12

You have a right to the money he earns whilst you look after his kids

AndTheSurveySays · 18/05/2023 13:14

Why can't you insist on a joint account and the money to be shared?

Honestly I would be so embarrassed to allow a partner to treat me like such an idiot. Get some self respect and stick up for yourself.

bobbysock · 18/05/2023 13:17

How on earth did you put yourself in this horrible situation? And you seem almost grateful for it too. Jesus Christ woman, wake up!

Bobshhh · 18/05/2023 13:20

Oh cool, another ‘great dad’

I know when I think of great dads I picture someone who is financially abusive and abandoned his child for three years.

Good that there’s another child involved now though.