Am I being unreasonable?

[Dolly199610]

So my partner moved in with me last year we already have a 5 year old together (we split for 3 years and he had nothing to do with us) and now have a 5 months old aswell, I have mental health issues that make it hard for me to hold down a job so I was previously on old style esa before he moved in, since his moved in my esa has stopped, he works full time and we have managed to claim joint universal credit which we get about £900 including the limited work capabilities payment,this goes straight in his bank account along with his wages which brings us to around £2000 per month,
I know this sounds ungrateful but he gives me £20 a week for my allowance, this is to cover things like Nappies or milk if I'm out and I've run out, he normally asks me to get bits from the shop whilst his at work which is not very easy and £20 doesnt stretch very far, I dont feel like i can ask him for money and I feel bad for having to ask him for things for myself if we're shopping like deodorant or sanitary products, I feel like the money is all his and I'm just being kept.
Is it just me and the way I'm feeling or am I just being an ungrateful cow, I'm just really struggling to come to terms with going from being completely independent to now living with someone and not having any financial independence at all.
Thank you for your time and sorry for the moaning x

LTB

You may not feel like you're getting anywhere now but at least the seed is sown that you aren't going to carry on like this, try and stay strong and don't back down from your position, please don't apologise over it, he's the one that needs to apologise to you for keeping you in poverty and refusing to discuss it. If there genuinely isn't enough money to go round, he wouldn't be able to buy his frivolous things, while making you use your allowance for nappy's and tampons.. thinking about that part makes my blood boil! I would be needing a full breakdown of everything coming in and out and a new agreement made about how the money is divvied up before I'd even look at him again to be fair. It may be that you have to budget carefully and not be able to buy certain things, but you should be making those decisions together.

By guilt tripping you do you mean that he's throwing it in your face that he works and you don't? If he is, then there is a valid point in there somewhere that can't be denied, but it doesn't mean he gets to be your boss and determine what money you need and when, you're an equal partner in your relationship and should be treated as such.

On a side note have you checked if you'd be entitled to any disability payments for your mental health problem with regards to working?

He is controlling you and the finances, totally unreasonably. £20 allowance is ludicrous, which you know. You are obviously unhappy with the situation so either change the finances or the relationship.

I work for DWP. If you change your UC bank account online, you need to attend in person to verify the new account details. You can bring a bank statement to confirm the sort code/account number - it doesn’t have to be the card.

also you can set up an alternative payment arrangement where 50% of the funds get paid to your bank account and 50% to his bank account. Ultimately though you should get your entire LCWRA element

You need access to money though. You need more than £20 a week.
What happens to the child benefit?

I don’t mean this to be bad but I honestly cannot believe the situation you have got yourself into and now you can’t even see right from wrong. Of course your mum is going to be negative towards him. He is financially abusive and most likely emotionally too from the guilt tripping etc.

I have always been very vocal in my relationships about having the need to maintain financial independence to some extent. yes our money is joint and we have an understanding of not taking the piss with big item things but we also have our own equal allowance to do with as we please. Ultimately our daughters needs for nappies, clothes nursery etc come out of the joint account.

I have a very young daughter and I honestly would be heartbroken if she got herself in your situation. So I can completely see where your mum is coming from.

is there someone you can talk to in real life? Preferably a peer you trust and respect with a similar family life to yours (partner / kids) and see how they operate, I think you need to hear some real life experiences to get you out of a situation which may become even worse in a few years time

You do realise that he is keeping you as a slave? This is absolutely financial abuse. Please change it asap.

Hi OP. You might be better posting in the relationship section - much more supportive. You need a joint account which you can both access. If this isn’t an option then he needs to transfer a reasonable amount ti you reach month. A lot more than £20.
He does sound very controlling though. Does he do all the shopping etc. what about clothes for you & dc?
Do you get the Child benefit or is that paid with the Universal Credit?
you can’t carry on like this, it is financial abuse. Good luck.

He is abusing you and taking your money. Do you have a local women's centre you could go to for support? If his wage is going in his account the uc should go in yours. I'd do this and start saving so you can leave this man.

She tried that yesterday and it didn't go well.

Please make him move out again.
it’s not his money and he should not have control over it. You are a grown woman who manages to live quite ok without him, so tell him it is joint access or he can move out as you are better off on your own.
je is not a great dad, or partner. He is financially abusing you

Contact universal credit tell them your not being given access to the money

You are not to blame for this OP. He is abusing you and taking advantage of your illness that makes you vulnerable.

A simple solution to the problem would be for him to pay his wages into the joint account minus a small amount for personal things and treats, and for the UC to go into the joint account, or go into yours then transferred to the joint account minus some personal/treat money. Then all the bills come out of the joint and you both know what is being spent.

But the problem here is that he wants all the control and much more than his fair share. This is abuse.

I know it isn’t easy to get out of a bad situation but please keep trying. Speak to Women’s Aid or another charity if you can. Some local councils have domestic abuse officers or will help as part of the housing unit. Keep looking for help anywhere you can.

Posters should not call you hopeless or a lost cause. Yes it can be frustrating and depressing to see continually women coming to harm but taking it out on those women is not OK. Some people’s think that their ‘directness’ will give you a shock and more motivation to leave but they should know that it doesn’t work.

Lots of posters will support you though OP so please just keep trying.

It's almost hard to believe that he ignored you and his child for 3 years but you took him back and have allowed him to steal your benefits. Of course he turns it into an argument when you ask for your own money, that's done deliberately to put you in your place and make you stop asking. It's how he controls you.

I would suggest you ask your family to help you separate from him and at least your benefits or wages would be your own.

Am with @Hairpinleg. In the kindest way possible you need to leave x

Have you read any other threads on here or posted before?

If your u overall credit payment includes a payment specifically for you being unable to work, then it should be going to you. Or at least a significant proportion of it.

Leaving you with only £20 a week is financial abuse.

Have you posted before about him @Dolly199610** because it sounds very familiar.
He's financially abusing you. Pure and simple.
You obviously have your reasons for taking him back and having another child with him but if you managed before then you can manage again.
At the very least, this whole money situation isn't fair and it isn't working. (Well, it is for him!)
£20 a week? You're not a child getting pocket money for goodness sake!
Time to open your eyes I'm afraid and put yourself and your children first