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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

94 replies

Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 12:11

So my partner moved in with me last year we already have a 5 year old together (we split for 3 years and he had nothing to do with us) and now have a 5 months old aswell, I have mental health issues that make it hard for me to hold down a job so I was previously on old style esa before he moved in, since his moved in my esa has stopped, he works full time and we have managed to claim joint universal credit which we get about £900 including the limited work capabilities payment,this goes straight in his bank account along with his wages which brings us to around £2000 per month,
I know this sounds ungrateful but he gives me £20 a week for my allowance, this is to cover things like Nappies or milk if I'm out and I've run out, he normally asks me to get bits from the shop whilst his at work which is not very easy and £20 doesnt stretch very far, I dont feel like i can ask him for money and I feel bad for having to ask him for things for myself if we're shopping like deodorant or sanitary products, I feel like the money is all his and I'm just being kept.
Is it just me and the way I'm feeling or am I just being an ungrateful cow, I'm just really struggling to come to terms with going from being completely independent to now living with someone and not having any financial independence at all.
Thank you for your time and sorry for the moaning x

OP posts:
Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 18/05/2023 13:23

I sometimes feel that there are some women who are past help.

You had a kid with him and he went off for 3 years and had nothing to do with you. Then he swans back in, you get pregnant to him again, move him in and give him all your money.

And you think he is a good guy? I don’t know how to help you. I don’t understand why you got pregnant a 2nd time. I don’t understand why you put his bank account on the claim. I don’t understand why you haven’t left him.

Some people just don’t help themselves, and you’re not going to listen to anything anyone says so what’s the point?

PsychoHotSauce · 18/05/2023 13:29

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 18/05/2023 13:23

I sometimes feel that there are some women who are past help.

You had a kid with him and he went off for 3 years and had nothing to do with you. Then he swans back in, you get pregnant to him again, move him in and give him all your money.

And you think he is a good guy? I don’t know how to help you. I don’t understand why you got pregnant a 2nd time. I don’t understand why you put his bank account on the claim. I don’t understand why you haven’t left him.

Some people just don’t help themselves, and you’re not going to listen to anything anyone says so what’s the point?

Harsh, but I cant argue with any of it.

OP can't you see you'd be miles better off if you left him and put in a single claim?

You could also tell police about the Financial abuse -coercive control is illegal. He's leaving you without enough to my sanpro fgs. Tell them that, see what they say if you won't listen to us?

CombatBarbie · 18/05/2023 13:34

Erm I'd be changing the bank account on the universal credit claim. The ESA is for you....

He sounds like an abusive arse tbh.

Original poster
Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 13:37

He doesn't hurt me or anything its just more I feel bad for asking like I dont deserve it, I think its more just the way I feel then anything, I have suggested a joint account and he said there's no point because he wants the universal credit to be payed into his account for the bills to come out, it would just be nice to have a joint account so i can see where we are with bill and what are finances are like,
My family is fairly supportive although my mum is quite negative on him x

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 18/05/2023 13:41

Your mum is right. "He doesn't hurt me" is a very low bar.

Original poster
Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 13:42

I feel like I'm getting attacked here, I only wanted advice not abuse, I thought this was a safe space.

OP posts:
Wowzerdowzer · 18/05/2023 13:47

No one has abused you here.
It's funny you think that as you are failing to recognise that you are being abused by him at home. Yes he might not physically hurt you! Why on gods earth did you have him back and have another child with him?
Madness!!

countrygirl99 · 18/05/2023 13:49

It's your DP who is abusing you

Nordicrain · 18/05/2023 13:50

well, of coure this isn't ok. You are a grown woman, not a child who gets pocket money. And expenses for your joint child should be joint too. Your dh sounds financially abusive.

Original poster
Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 13:51

You can change the account details online and I do have my log in details but I'm not going to change it to my account because that will cause a massive argument, not only that it would make me no better taking the money for myself

OP posts:
Tina221 · 18/05/2023 13:52

Hi op, I’m sorry, but, he is financially abusing you. When he takes out £20 he could have easily given you £200 so that you aren’t worrying about running out of milk, nappies etc and then he could easily go on a Friday to change the bank details so you have access to your own money. Please think about how’s he’s treating you and your children. You would be better off without him. He is not a great dad, he doesn’t sound nice at all. 💐

Pansypotter123 · 18/05/2023 13:52

He doesn't hurt me or anything

That is not the standard by which a good relationship should be judged. It really isn't.

The only level of abuse that is acceptable in a relationship is none.

You are being financially abused. And that is not acceptable.

You need to set your bar a lot higher.

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 18/05/2023 13:52

He is abusing you. But you’re not going to listen.

Are you going to leave him? Because that is literally the only thing you do now; you leave him. Permanently. You put in a claim as a single parent. You then call child maintenance and open a case against him to get child support as well. And you get on with your life without him and you don’t get pregnant again.

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/05/2023 13:54

JulieHoney · 18/05/2023 13:08

He doesn't need to change the accpount it's paid it to if he sets up a standing order to your account. That's a 30 second job on the phone or banking app.

Which he could very easily cancel whenever he feels like it leaving OP in the same position she is in now.

SeasonFinale · 18/05/2023 13:54

Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 13:42

I feel like I'm getting attacked here, I only wanted advice not abuse, I thought this was a safe space.

The only abuse is from him. He is financially abusing you.

You can change the bank account yourself if it is a joint claim and online.

The reason you think you are getting abused here is that you are kidding yourself that what he is doing is OK.

Pansypotter123 · 18/05/2023 13:55

I'm not going to change it to my account because that will cause a massive argument

Will having a conversation with him about putting it into a joint account cause a massive argument too. Ditto a conversation about you needing (a lot) more money to fund your basic needs?

CheersForThatEh · 18/05/2023 13:55

Reading between the lines, did he come back to you when he had difficult circumstances (like needing somewhere to live?) Because it sounds like it's all worked out very nicely for him but not for you.

HairsprayBabe · 18/05/2023 13:58

You have had some harsh replies, but honestly this is not ok.
It doesn't matter why he thinks it is a good idea he gets all the money all the time and you get nothing, it is obviously not fair.
You need to stand up for yourself and your children's sakes and let him know that it isn't on. If he is - as you insist - a good man he will realise he has been a bit of a knob and make changes immediately. If he isn't then you will know you are better off without him.

Also can we calm down with the whole nest of vipers thing everyone - this woman is clearly in a tricky spot and doesn't need to be reading victim blaming BS such as "some women are beyond help"
If he is financially abusing her then she has likely been gas lit and manipulated into this situation, and I don't think the buckets of condescension are useful.

OP - tell him things need to change - ideally in a public space. Do not ask him. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 18/05/2023 14:01

although my mum is quite negative on him

No fucking wonder. She got his number.

He's not a good dad at all. He abandoned his child for 3 years and is financially abusing the mother of his children.

Fuck him off. He's taking you for an absolute mug.

He knows you are vulnerable with your mental health issues and he is using it to his advantage to rip you off. You. His childrens' mum. His supposed partner who he supposedly loves.

This ain't love OP. It's abuse.

CheersForThatEh · 18/05/2023 14:02

I know you say he is a good dad and partner but I wouldnt want him. For context my DH covered all bill's on maternity and transferred half of what was left to my personal account. If your partner wont do the same then your bar is not high enough. He is literally taking your money and making it impossible for you to leave him in the future if you ever wanted to.

lap90 · 18/05/2023 14:05

Abuse does not just lend its definition to being physically 'hurt'.

Get rid - what does he add to your life?

Seek help to get rid of him and work on your self esteem.

Do not have any more children with this man.

Blinkingheckythump · 18/05/2023 14:05

Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 12:59

I have suggested a joint account for the universal credit money but he said that it's easier to keep the money going into his account as he would have to go down the job centre with the card to approve it ( this is true, but it would only take 10 minutes if that and he has Fridays off work so it's doable)
It's fine if he wants to keep his wages separately but I feel as the Uc was a joint claim it should be in a joint account, I can't see what he's using it for and he keeps making silly purchases like tools and clothes and other unnecessary things so it's obvious we have a bit left over, it would just be nice to know what's happening financially and for me to not constantly be in my overdraft.

I do love him very much and he is a good dad to his boys but sometimes he is very black and white and you can't get through to him

A very good dad 🤣 what except for the 3 years he abandoned his kid for and the fact he spends the family money on crap and holds their mother financially hostage

JulieHoney · 18/05/2023 14:06

Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 13:51

You can change the account details online and I do have my log in details but I'm not going to change it to my account because that will cause a massive argument, not only that it would make me no better taking the money for myself

No, it won't! He'll still have his wages (I think you said roughly £1100?) and you'd have your benefits.

We don't want to attack you, we want you to see how totally unreasonable and controlling he is. You deserve so much better than scratching about for £20 a week.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/05/2023 14:09

Suggestion 1 - stop procreating with this fine upstanding gentleman (that last bit was sarcasm as he's not a fine upstanding gentleman. If he was a gentleman, he wouldn't have left in the first place and he would be supporting you, and his children, 100% of the way, irrespective of what they or you might need).

Suggestion 2 - have a conversation with him and say that his children need more than £20 per week to survive and he has to contribute more to the family, both financially and emotionally.

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