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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

94 replies

Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 12:11

So my partner moved in with me last year we already have a 5 year old together (we split for 3 years and he had nothing to do with us) and now have a 5 months old aswell, I have mental health issues that make it hard for me to hold down a job so I was previously on old style esa before he moved in, since his moved in my esa has stopped, he works full time and we have managed to claim joint universal credit which we get about £900 including the limited work capabilities payment,this goes straight in his bank account along with his wages which brings us to around £2000 per month,
I know this sounds ungrateful but he gives me £20 a week for my allowance, this is to cover things like Nappies or milk if I'm out and I've run out, he normally asks me to get bits from the shop whilst his at work which is not very easy and £20 doesnt stretch very far, I dont feel like i can ask him for money and I feel bad for having to ask him for things for myself if we're shopping like deodorant or sanitary products, I feel like the money is all his and I'm just being kept.
Is it just me and the way I'm feeling or am I just being an ungrateful cow, I'm just really struggling to come to terms with going from being completely independent to now living with someone and not having any financial independence at all.
Thank you for your time and sorry for the moaning x

OP posts:

JulieHoney · 18/05/2023 14:09

I thought this was a safe space

Oh my sweet summer child...

If you think AIBU is a safe space, I'm not surprised you're taken aback by replies. This is not the Relationship board or Chat, this is the Mumsnet bear pit.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/05/2023 14:10

A good dad and you love him 😢

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/05/2023 14:10

Im sorry you feel that people on here are attacking you.
I think many of the harsher expressions are expressions of disapproval - not for you - but for the way this man is treating you.
You said you didn't want to sound ungrateful for complaining about just being allowed £20 a week - which you are then asked to spend on things for him as well. Who was it said you were being ungrateful? Why do you feel you have to be "grateful" for such a meagre allowance out of nearly £2 k household income when you are looking after 2 young children and need to pay for things for them.

You said that your family are supportive. I think you should tell them and your Mum (she's right to view him negatively BTW after he abandoned you for 3 years and then moved back in to control all the income you are entitled to)

Try to talk to her and say that negativity can be unhelpful, but could she please talk to you about it without that and help you work out a way to deal with the issues.

You are not being "ungrateful" you are absolutely right to question his financial behaviour .

Please talk to people and get some help and support with this issue. Its a lot to deal with on your own.

Landndialamrhf · 18/05/2023 14:10

I know this sounds ungrateful but he gives me £20 a week for my allowance,

he’s really done a number on you lovely, If he’s convinced you this is ungrateful. This is financial abuse. Please speak to womens aid.

he abandoned you for 3 years and now has come back and taken all your money.

im not really sure how you quantity great dad since he left for years, and now financially abuses their mum, and apparently makes you pay for expenses like nappies - basic hygiene products for the children he is 50/50 responsible for - out of your measly allowance.
It it just that he tells you he’s a great dad? Or that he occasionally plays with them?

please speak to someone irl who can help you, good luck you don’t deserve this

Crikeyalmightey · 18/05/2023 14:14

Please please, just contact women's aid, they will help you.

CalistoNoSolo · 18/05/2023 14:26

If this is for real (which I doubt, because who on earth is this openly stupid, reckless and blind to what is going on around them) then you are beyond help OP. If you do exist and your situation hasn't been made up by a bored gcse student, then perhaps use this as a wake up call?

BritishDesiGirl · 18/05/2023 14:34

Your a doormat. Wake up before it's too late

BritishDesiGirl · 18/05/2023 14:34

You're**

TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 14:56

My family is fairly supportive although my mum is quite negative on him

I am Team Mum on this, OP.
She's quite right to be negative about a man who abandoned you for three years, then came back when it suited him, and decided that he would not support his partner and two children.

He is not a good dad if he leaves you with twenty quid a week. I bet he spends more than that on lunches for himself, never mind games and clothes etc.

Bloody hell, OP - nobody is attacking you. You asked if you were unreasonable to ask your BF for more money. Everyone has said that you are not unreasonable.

He is.
Massively. He should give you money willingly. It is your right.

What would actually happen if you told him about this thread? Or if you simply told him that you wanted the UC to go into your account?

Would he shout, hit the wall, give you the silent treatment, go to the pub and come back drunk?

What would he do? I think you're afraid of him. I do not believe that he is treating you and the children well at all.

Just because he doesn't punch you in the eye, it doesn't make him a good partner. I bet he throws things and hits the wall.

Tinkerbyebye · 18/05/2023 14:59

open your own account t, get the child benefit and the esa paid into it. The. You have a discussion over the bills and who pays what proportion

although why on earth you allowed yourself to be sucked back in is anyone guess

WideOpenSpaces · 18/05/2023 15:37

I can't even formulate a coherent response to this, just LTB !!!! What a waste of space. How on earth is he getting away with that, please stop letting him take you for an absolute ride.

Lcb123 · 18/05/2023 15:41

That’s financial abuse.
please seek support to help you leave

Want2beme · 18/05/2023 15:52

Are you saying that you don't have any money nor have access to the monthly income? If not, how do you survive? What about the weekly shop, personal items, clothes for DC & you, etc?

Stomacharmeleon · 18/05/2023 15:58

Do you claim pip for your mental health issues?
I would start by asking him to either open a joint account or say you are asking that your benefits are paid to you. You will then transfer what he needs for bills.
Give him the option.
Do you know what your gas, water, council tax is etc?
I feel like your mental health would improve ten fold if you had more access to your own life.
I am not getting at you but you can't maintain this for ever more. You know something is wrong that's why you are asking.

RedPakora · 18/05/2023 16:05

It's easier to change the bank account on child benefit than UC, it just takes a phone call

sandyhappypeople · 18/05/2023 16:06

Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 13:51

You can change the account details online and I do have my log in details but I'm not going to change it to my account because that will cause a massive argument, not only that it would make me no better taking the money for myself

But you wouldn't be taking the money for yourself hunny, you'd be taking it to share as it is shared money, I would 100% get it changed to my name, then send him £450 out of it. Is there any reasonable answer as to why he would have a problem with that?

I'm not up on what benefits are for what but would he even be getting that £900 if you weren't there?

If he says he needs it for bills you need to have a sit down and go through your finances together so you can understand where it goes, if he's not willing to do that then it means he doesn't need it for bills, he just wants it himself/doesn't want you to have it.

In the kindest way, you need to put on your big girl pants about this, he's only controlling everything this way because you are allowing it to happen, it's easy to fall into that routine and you will come to think you are unreasonable in requesting even the basic necessities.. he should be ashamed of himself.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/05/2023 16:08

This is horrible, horrible financial abuse

Hes literally using you to milk a joint UC claim which he then keeps all to himself.

“Allowance” my arse.

Get rid of him completely and make a new claim on your own.

IamnotSethRogan · 18/05/2023 16:14

Well if money were tight, which to receive that amount of UC it might be, it makes sense for it to go into the account the bills come out of. A more practical solution would be sitting down and working out a better budget for the amount you should get as opposed to changing the account it goes to.

£20 a week is certainly not a reasonable amount for nappies and general things. I would suggest you both have a sit down and change the direct debit going onto your account. I'm not condoning the way this man behaves but have your mental health issues had an affect on your finances before ?

Your mum is probably not a fan of him because he's a man who ditched you and had no contact with his child. There isn't really a defensible reason for this

TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 17:45

OP does your mum know about the £20 allowance?

Original poster

Dolly199610 · 18/05/2023 20:05

Can I just say thank you to the people who have commented and spoken to me like I'm a human being with feelings and emotions I very much appreciate it.

I have spoken to him and its ended up in a massive argument, his tried guilt tripping me and I blew a fuse, I don't feel like I've gotten any where, it's not just as simple as leaving someone as some of you like to point out, and as for those of you saying I'm hopeless ect thats not very helpful, do you not think I feel bad enough already?

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 20:11

Hi OP.
How did you manage while he was gone?
Would you say your life was easier without him?
If it was, you can start to plan to split up again.

dizzydizzydizzy · 18/05/2023 20:16

That's financial abuse. Of course it's easier for him to have all the money in his account, it gives him control. If he hasn't done already,
He'll start with other types of abuse to further increase his level of control.

OP; if you're still unsure, speak to Women's Aid. They're very helpful. They will be able to advise you.

Starlitestarbright · 18/05/2023 20:19

This man ignored a 2 year old for years until they were 5 then you let him back in had another child and he's financially abusing you. Please leave this bastard

jelly79 · 18/05/2023 20:23

OP this is so tough to read and incredibly sad. The money you receive is to support you and your children yet you are struggling with no financial independence.

You need to be strong here and realise that this is not acceptable and you do deserve access to this money to live on.

I really hope you get the help you need x

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 18/05/2023 20:26

He is not going to change.

Are you going to leave? It really is that easy. You take your kids and you leave. You report his financial abuse to the police. You go to your mum’s. You put in a new UC claim and you call CMS to get child maintenance. You can literally do all of that tomorrow. There is no other answer. There is no other way. He will not change. He is not a good man. You made a mistake jumping back in with him and getting pregnant again. Time to fix it.

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