To be jealous

[WinterBree]

Im jealous of a friend of mine and I really don’t know why.

We’re both mid twenties with 2 children of similar ages (all under 4) and met in work probably around 6/7 years ago now.

Me and my partner own our home and both work full time. We do opposing shifts to save on the childcare. We are slowly doing the house up and whilst I love it it’s been hard work. Money is a little tight, we’re not struggling as such but purchases definitely have to be considered/saved for. I also have a bit of debt built up from paying for home improvements (new windows etc as ours were really old)

My friend took voluntary redundancy after having her youngest, I did request this also but wasn’t allowed. She had a nice pay out. She was living in a council flat but got moved to a brand new 3 bed house and has done it up as well as the garden. She is also entitled to quite a lot of benefits and doesn’t need to go back to work. Her other half does work but doesn’t earn a massive wage (I only know as he works where my other half used to). She’s always buying new clothes. On about a brand new car etc.

I just feel like we get penalised for working and owning a house. I know we are lucky in so many ways and I am grateful my kids will be able to hopefully have some money from the house to make them comfortable when the time comes. It just seems unfair that we have to scrimp and save and miss out on time with the kids. She doesn’t have it easy in some ways, her other half is very unhelpful compared to mine and she lost her mum so I do feel bad for feeling this way as she has had a rough few years. It’s got to the point though where I don’t really want to be around her as all she does is talk about what new things she is buying and what she can spend money on. AIBU?

Comparison is the theif of joy, and you don't really know the ins and outs of her situation or finances.

That said you don't need to be friends with someone you don't enjoy being with., so if she is making you feel rubbish maybe consider focusing on other friendships.

Consider this: social housing is a contract with the government, she can’t sell it and emigrate easily. However, if you buy a house you can do whatever you like. You can also profit from home improvements in the future.

It comes across as you're a bit exhausted at present and that's why you resent her as you see her as having had it easier.

It's so easy to focus on something/someone as a displacement activity!

Sounds like you're doing brilliantly and need a break.

Give it a few years. Your career will progress and you'll be much better off. Her circumstances won't change if she doesn't work and her payoff will get spent eventually.
It's understandable to compare when times are hard and you're juggling everything but try and focus on the lovely life you're building

Totally understandable OP. It's annoying, isn't it? the thing is though, you and your partner are building as a team and building a wonderful little nest egg for the kids and even your retirement. Think long game here. You're doing wonderfully. I bet she feels jealous because you own your own home!

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I m in mid 40s, bought young, had my kids in my 20s and am now financially stable and in 4 more years kids will be all uni age. In time they will be well provided for, there will be something available for them.

My friends who lived on benefits all their lives and never worked are now intensely bitter, they have nothing to provide for their children, never modelled a work ethic to them, spent their lives doing arts and crafts and at home DIY, have no pensions, have resentful partners, and have strained relations with their children. The lifelong SAHMs want their children to contribute to the home expenses, but the SAHMs of now adult children refuse to work themselves (mid 40s), and bitterly expect the world to provide for them.

Don't be jealous, your friend is living in a bubble, that won't last. Maybe distance yourself from her, if you need to.

🙄These 'disguised' benefit bashing threads are so fucking tedious.

Agreed, and everyone jumping on to claim (thinly veiled of course) that the friend must be secretly fucking miserable/jealous/deluded etc are just as tedious.

Heavens, you're both really young - I expected to be struggling in my 20s, just to make my way in the world, never mind having kids and a house and all that. What's the rush? Cherish what you've got, build for the long future you have ahead of you, and don't waste energy on envying a friend. You're doing really well and already have way more than most people 10 years older and beyond.

CreationNat1on · Today 11:53
Comparison is the thief of joy.

I m in mid 40s, bought young, had my kids in my 20s and am now financially stable and in 4 more years kids will be all uni age. In time they will be well provided for, there will be something available for them.

My friends who lived on benefits all their lives and never worked are now intensely bitter, they have nothing to provide for their children, never modelled a work ethic to them, spent their lives doing arts and crafts and at home DIY, have no pensions, have resentful partners, and have strained relations with their children. The lifelong SAHMs want their children to contribute to the home expenses, but the SAHMs of now adult children refuse to work themselves (mid 40s), and bitterly expect the world to provide for them.

Don't be jealous, your friend is living in a bubble, that won't last. Maybe distance yourself from her, if you need to.

me:
yes, this is how really is. Noone who prefers to eat governmental money and is fit to work but chose not to, have their mental lives right. Work ethic is a value which shows how you really are on the inside. Someone boasting at me they can buy what they want with benefits coming from my taxes is honestly getting my compassion.

They really are.

All SAHMs have shit relationships with their unemployed children who don't know what work ethic is. Ffs I've read some shit on here but that one is reaching for sure.

She won't get heaps in benefits, if she has over a certain amount left from her payout she won't get anything at all. If her husband is on a crappy wage then she isn't buying new clothes and a new car on his wages and benefits, it would likely be from the redundancy money.

Her home is rented, you can easily move into a nice rental property and sell your house if you think it's so great.

Do her a favour and stop being friends with her.

So she:

doesn't own her own home and might never

doesn't have a job so may be limited in any future career

A very unhelpful partner

A mum who died so she has limited support and is no doubt still grieving

Is entitled to 'quite a lot of benefits' despite her payout so I'm assuming it's something like PIP and she/her DC has/have a disability

Meanwhile you:

Have your own home in your mid 20s (more than most people that age and beyond could dream of)

A supportive partner

(Presumably) both your parents still alive so likely emotional, practical and financial support

A career

Enough money to do up your house

Financial security for your children

And you're jealous of her? Grow up.

This is ridiculous

I'm so sick of benefit bashing. Started the day with an article in the Times about applications for sickness benefits rising. Regrettably read the comments section 100% of which, at the time I read it, was people complaining they were milking the system, lazy and simply didn't want to work. It pissed me off so much that I phoned the Times' customer service and cancelled my subscription, making it clear why.

Every day there seems to be a new thread on here about recipients of benefits and how unfair it all is, or someone wanting to report a 'friend'.

I'd love to see these people walk in the average benefits claimants' shoes. They wouldn't last a month.

Stop benefit bashing. You are a miserable person and with your attitudes, always will
be.
Nothing that your 'friend' has in any way,shape or form takes away from you. I feel sorry for you.

She might be putting up a brave front to feel better about herself. I really think you are reacting like this as you're tired and believe she has it easier.

Exactly this!

Why not give up your house, job and do the same ... nothing stopping you having the "life of luxury"

You know the answer, OP, give up your job and the house you own and go on benefits. And if you don't want to, maybe ask yourself why?

It’s probably very raw right now because you’re in the trenches of life in general and managing work, kids and a house.

However you are setting yourself up for a secure future. The council could move your friend into a smaller house at their own will. God forbid anything happened to her or her partner they would probably have to move to a smaller house to free up this one.

You have security.

Your kids also see you working day in day out and it gives them a solid work ethic.

This. If she had a nice redundancy package it’s all pretty much gone now if she’s now getting benefits.
I would assume she’s using store cards, buying stuff on the never never and building up debt, if she can afford all this new stuff on benefits .
id be much more likely to be just rolling my eyes at friends silly spending habits then being jealous.

I think it must be hard to be working all the time and see people living in a similar situation with similar disposable income and not having to work. I think it’s understandable.

however, their life won’t improve, your life will change. Your children grow up, work changes, you get more money/freedom.

DD went to a primary where I’d say a huge percentage didn’t work. I’ve been called a ‘mug’ for working, even though - I wasn’t entitled to benefits/was significantly better off than them.

One mum I knew had never really worked. She still doesn’t (I don’t know how) she does a few hours a week to top up her benefits. She was really unhappy when her eldest left as she had to pay bedroom tax. Her life seems incredibly small, she does so little. She is so bored all the time and fills her days wandering about town. I don’t know what she will do if her youngest leaves home as she will have to leave her 3 bed house then. I think her friendship group has shrunk as children go to secondary more of them are working. Her life is not enviable in the end.

Not working for me is the worst.
Boring repetitive and no purpose.
No pension contributions.
Don't own their own home
Benefits aren't massive if it's a 2 person household and one is in work.
Who wants to rely on the government for hand outs.
You have no idea how they will pay for a brand new car. They didn't have new windows to pay for etc etc.
You have no idea about other people's finances so you can't comment.
If you don't want to work as much, ask for part time. If you can't afford it, it's nothing to do with your 'friend'. Her getting benefits doesn't change your finances.

Unfortunately OP, living on benefits is usually more comfortable than working.

Virtually the same income, but without the hassle of a job.

I have always thought that "benefits" should be conditional, you should have to "earn" your payout. For example, one year of work gets you one month of benefit payments. Something like that. But your "benefit" could also be claimed whenever you want, even while you are working, you could trade your time "earned" for the cash instead, you would decide when your benefit entitlement is paid.

It would provide an incentive for those claiming benefits to find a job in order to build up more "time", also, those who are working wouldn't mind people claiming benefits as the workers would be entitled to the same thing.

But, being able to live permanently on benefits is just taking the piss.

@onefinemess

I have always thought that "benefits" should be conditional, you should have to "earn" your payout. For example, one year of work gets you one month of benefit payments.

You do realise there are benefits for different things, right? Many claimants have disabilities or complex, long-term health problems that limit their ability to work.

Virtually the same income, but without the hassle of a job.

Do you have a job? And if so may I ask why if you can receive the same income without the hassle of one?

Virtually the same income

Well, seeing as everyone on MN is on 6 figures I'd like to know how you've come up with this bollocks.