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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be jealous

87 replies

WinterBree · 18/05/2023 11:30

Im jealous of a friend of mine and I really don’t know why.

We’re both mid twenties with 2 children of similar ages (all under 4) and met in work probably around 6/7 years ago now.

Me and my partner own our home and both work full time. We do opposing shifts to save on the childcare. We are slowly doing the house up and whilst I love it it’s been hard work. Money is a little tight, we’re not struggling as such but purchases definitely have to be considered/saved for. I also have a bit of debt built up from paying for home improvements (new windows etc as ours were really old)

My friend took voluntary redundancy after having her youngest, I did request this also but wasn’t allowed. She had a nice pay out. She was living in a council flat but got moved to a brand new 3 bed house and has done it up as well as the garden. She is also entitled to quite a lot of benefits and doesn’t need to go back to work. Her other half does work but doesn’t earn a massive wage (I only know as he works where my other half used to). She’s always buying new clothes. On about a brand new car etc.

I just feel like we get penalised for working and owning a house. I know we are lucky in so many ways and I am grateful my kids will be able to hopefully have some money from the house to make them comfortable when the time comes. It just seems unfair that we have to scrimp and save and miss out on time with the kids. She doesn’t have it easy in some ways, her other half is very unhelpful compared to mine and she lost her mum so I do feel bad for feeling this way as she has had a rough few years. It’s got to the point though where I don’t really want to be around her as all she does is talk about what new things she is buying and what she can spend money on. AIBU?

OP posts:

foxlover47 · 21/05/2023 17:35

@TokyoStories you sound like a far nicer person :)

Grapewrath · 21/05/2023 17:38

Also forgot to add that my jealous friend ended up in a very bitter divorce. They sold the house and hardly made any money after costs. She had a lovely holiday and bought a car but now lives in a council flat and works in a job she dislikes. She has no formal qualifications as she owned a business with her ex.
Im sure she’ll get back on her feet, as she is savvy and determined. I hope she does! However it just illustrates that being smug about doing it the ‘right way’ and having a brighter future isn’t always the way it turns out

pikkumyy77 · 21/05/2023 17:40

The OP has a major asset! Her friend does not. Why is it so hard for people to grasp that they are short of cash now because they are able to invest in their house which will create wealth for them in the future? Someone who can’t afford the lump sum and mortgage to do so is at a permanent disadvantage—as are their children! Historically getting on the property ladder has meant a difference in wealth outcomes for generations.

AgnesX · 21/05/2023 17:56

There are always times where the grass seems greener. Things aren't always as they seem so rather than be envious and sour whatever friendship you have srat away for a while. Do that and focus on your own life. Distance will put things in perspective.

AgnesX · 21/05/2023 17:56

Stay away that should read.

Luckyduc · 22/05/2023 07:08

There's always going to be someone richer than you and someone poorer than you, but to choose a friendship where you are the wealthiest seems sad imo...maybe try try focus on your own life and stop comparing your situation to others.

Swrigh1234 · 22/05/2023 07:50

Unfortunately this is why people’s attitudes have become hardened towards welfare. Because it’s not a safety net, it used by many as a lifestyle choice. Why would people be happy to see that they contribute to a system to be worse off than and feel a greater financial pinch than those they facilitate to sit at home and do nothing.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/05/2023 13:17

Swrigh1234 · 22/05/2023 07:50

If people’s attitudes have hardened because of obviously inaccurate details then they should have a word with themselves.

You don’t get to have a large amount in saving and a working partner as well as getting “quite a lot” of benefits just for choosing not to work. That just doesn’t happen.

The only way someone can get an amount of benefits and have money in the bank and a working partner is if there’s a disability involved somewhere.

If there’s not that then the Op’s story of shiny new house, lots of benefits, lots of redundancy money and a working partner has something missing in it, because it doesn’t happen.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/05/2023 13:18

**The only way someone can get a larger amount of benefits

beachcitygirl · 22/05/2023 18:38

This is a hard thread to read. @TokyoStories you're worth 100 of the OP and her ilk.

coldcallerbaiter · 29/09/2023 21:19

Is there still a right to buy a council home? People are saying the OP has invested in a home which is true, but if the friend gets a discount on buying, she could get a mortgage for the rest, with the partner's income. I think what is unfairer is a private renting couple who work, it is them that end up with nothing in terms of home assets. I never agreed with the right to buy for so many reasons.

Gwendimarco · 30/09/2023 08:55

I don’t think you are unreasonable to feel the way you do. I would probably feel the same way in your shoes.
How long, realistically, will it be until your debts are paid and the scrimping and saving ease off? If this is only a short-term situation, that will ease in a few years, focus on the future.

If this lifestyle looks to be for the forseeable, maybe consider if there are changes you can make so that you can spend more time with the children.

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