To be jealous

[WinterBree]

Im jealous of a friend of mine and I really don’t know why.

We’re both mid twenties with 2 children of similar ages (all under 4) and met in work probably around 6/7 years ago now.

Me and my partner own our home and both work full time. We do opposing shifts to save on the childcare. We are slowly doing the house up and whilst I love it it’s been hard work. Money is a little tight, we’re not struggling as such but purchases definitely have to be considered/saved for. I also have a bit of debt built up from paying for home improvements (new windows etc as ours were really old)

My friend took voluntary redundancy after having her youngest, I did request this also but wasn’t allowed. She had a nice pay out. She was living in a council flat but got moved to a brand new 3 bed house and has done it up as well as the garden. She is also entitled to quite a lot of benefits and doesn’t need to go back to work. Her other half does work but doesn’t earn a massive wage (I only know as he works where my other half used to). She’s always buying new clothes. On about a brand new car etc.

I just feel like we get penalised for working and owning a house. I know we are lucky in so many ways and I am grateful my kids will be able to hopefully have some money from the house to make them comfortable when the time comes. It just seems unfair that we have to scrimp and save and miss out on time with the kids. She doesn’t have it easy in some ways, her other half is very unhelpful compared to mine and she lost her mum so I do feel bad for feeling this way as she has had a rough few years. It’s got to the point though where I don’t really want to be around her as all she does is talk about what new things she is buying and what she can spend money on. AIBU?

They say comparison is the thief of joy but it doesn't make the feelings go away. I have a similar situation at the minute. I hate my job, I'm constantly broke, seem to be in an endless cycle of bad luck whereas my friend, who I do love dearly (so feel like a cow for feeling like this and do realise I'm being unreasonable) has drifted from job to job and has had a huge payout and always seems to land on her feet. I'm trying so hard to focus on the positives in my life but I'm so depressed at the moment that I can't seem to do so and just focus on what is going wrong for me but right for her and, like you, I'm finding it difficult to be around her.
I don't know what to do or what advice to give you. You are being unreasonable, you know this. So am I. I don't know how to stop it though.

Never be jealous of others and what they have because you really do not know how they have acquired them.

You’ll be much better off when your mortgage is paid off. She’ll be paying ever increasing rent forever. You’ll own an asset worth 200k+ or however much.

You also have the freedom to move wherever you like & buy any house you choose within budget. She’s stuck in social housing. I’d much rather be you.

@CreationNat1on
My friends who lived on benefits all their lives and never worked are now intensely bitter, they have nothing to provide for their children, never modelled a work ethic to them, spent their lives doing arts and crafts and at home DIY, have no pensions, have resentful partners, and have strained relations with their children. The lifelong SAHMs want their children to contribute to the home expenses, but the SAHMs of now adult children refuse to work themselves (mid 40s), and bitterly expect the world to provide for them.

Jesus with friends like you who needs enemies!
‘Spent their lives doing arts and crafts’ 🙄
All sahm’s have bad relationships with their children, have resentful partners and their children turn into 40 year olds who refuse to work?
What pile of shit are you spouting?
Such a depressing view of the worlds. Honestly it comes across as you being the bitter one to be so negative and judgemental about your so called friends.

Same.

The government wants to push fathers out of the home and make life on benefits as attractive as possible.

They don’t want independent, free thinking, property owning citizens. So you get financially penalised.

You're comparing chalk and cheese.

You will own your property. She will own new clothes.

If you'd rather own the new clothes and not the house then make that choice. I guarantee you won't though, in reality your friend is likely jealous of you owning your own home when she probably never will.

Lol at the uncanny “arts and crafts” reference - I think we must know the same people!

I had to distance myself from 2 particular friends who were living their best, jammiest lives on benefits while I slogged away.

Particularly when my children came on the scene. It was a bitter pill to swallow that I made the wrong choice in choosing a man who stuck about rather than running off into the sunset with big daddy government!

The comparison isn't helpful. Is she really a friend? There are millions of ppl in her situation, and I'm sure many many of them would be jealous of yours. You have worked hard and are incredibly lucky to own your own house at 24 and you will reap the rewards. If she is really a friend then stop judging her, if she isn't then cut her out and stop letting her lifestyle bother you.

If I had my time again I would love to do a social/personal experiment of exactly this.

I would liquidate all my assets, travel around the world in 5 star luxury until they ran out, come back to the UK and live the benefit lifestyle.

I think it would make a fascinating book and if I was in my 20s I do it in a heartbeat.

I do actually know someone who did this! They had a partner and two kids. Bought a house and had nightmare neighbours, so they sold the house, took the money and moved to Malta where they lived the high life for two years. They came back to the UK, potless, partner got a job as a bus driver. As a council worker, they were placed on the list for a council house. They waited seven years and just as they got to the top of the list, he quit! She begged for the council to house them anyway and they were offered a three bed flat in a local estate. She hated it but the council told them they could take it or leave it and if they left it, they would be off the list. She took it and hated it. The experience did not work out well for them but of course, it was the council's fault.

If you own your own home you are forever spending out on repairs and maintenance. They also pay council tax and a mortgage which you get no help with if you become unemployed. People in council houses get all the repairs and maintenance free and if unemployed don’t pay council tax and get the rent paid for them. It’s no wonder people who have a good work ethic get pissed off with the unfairness of the system that they pay into via tax deductions but get fuck all back when they need it! The whole system needs a good looking into and stopping the benefits lifestyle of certain individuals!

@Throwncrumbs

If you own your own home you are forever spending out on repairs and maintenance. They also pay council tax and a mortgage which you get no help with if you become unemployed. People in council houses get all the repairs and maintenance free and if unemployed don’t pay council tax and get the rent paid for them.

So sell your home, give the money to charity and put yourself on the council house waiting list? 🤷‍♀️

I dont expect people to pay for my house if I become unemployed because I have equity in my property therefore I have some form of money. It's crap I would have to sale and use that money to bridge the gap but I'm thankful I have something.

Most people don't have to sale and have something to give their children. People on low incomes/benefits (let's remember most people on benefits WORK) will never have anything to pass on.

Anyone thinking it's the life of luxury have every opportunity to life that way... it amazes me how people moan about the lifestyle never take it up.

I think long term she will be in a much worse position than you.

She sounds a bit materialist and not beeing able to see what's coming.

What is her plan for retirement? How will she support financially her kids in their late teens/adulthood years?

I think you have nothing to be jealous of to be honest... especially her DP!

Very interesting! She should write a book about her experience.

I’d love to be offered a free/super cheap 3 bed flat. I don’t care about how shitty the estate is as I’ve seen and lived it all.

I’m literally this close 🤏 to doing this. I made a huge mistake in buying my flat rather than going on the council waiting list.

@CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption She was another mum at primary school, so we were not close friends but she seemed very depressed about it all. They had been living a lifestyle well beyond their means and was very down that it was all over. It did make me wonder if you are better off NOT knowing how the other half live? But her notion that her present, less salubrious circumstances was all down the council was very irritating. She kept saying that as they had children and a dog they should have been given a semi d with a garden in a nicer area. She certainly didn't have a philosophical attitude!

You are allowed to feel how you feel. She is entitled to the benefits she receives.

If you are not enjoying her company and her friendship anymore that is okay just distance yourself and get on with your life.

My parents are doing something similar-ish.

They're SKI-ing: Spending Kids Inheritance!

Since their retirement age 61, they downsized their house to something cheaper, and have since been on extravagant holidays twice a year to see the world. Their aim is to reduce their assets below the inheritance tax threshold as they feel it is unfair to be taxed after their death on earnings that had already been taxed!

@WinterBree at least in 25 years time you can be rent and mortgage free and have plenty of free cash to do what you want once your kids are grown up, or have money to help the kids pay for university. So you may feel somewhat jealous now of your friend having enough money to live without working, but you need to see the bigger picture.

Brilliant, good on your parents! It is criminal that inheritances are taxed at all when income tax and NI has already been paid on those earnings. Plus savings interest will have been taxed.
It’s also criminal that when older people get sick and need care they have to use their slogged-for assets to pay for it, while those on benefit lifestyles from the age of 18 get everything handed to them.
Hopefully your parents will remain in full health but they should also transfer any assets over to you asap so they can claim state funded care if they need it. They’ve paid NI all their lives I’m sure, so it’s time to get something back.

Don't spend time with people who make you feel rubbish. I have zero time for people who go on about what they have bought/ showing off etc. Its as boring af

Jealousy is always unreasonable

It’s probably very raw right now because you’re in the trenches of life in general and managing work, kids and a house.

Having children is a choice. Buying a house is a choice too, and a nice one.

The friend didn't choose to have her mother die.

If she's getting DLA or PIP, as the OP said she gets a fair bit in benefits - she didn't choose for her kid or herself to be disabled.

The friend is going through parental bereavement with a shit partner who doesn't help and uncertain job prospects, but yes the OP is the one feeling raw and hard done by

Actually I think this thread is a stealth boast by OP to say "Wow look how well I'm doing! My life is great compared to the shitshow of my friend!" Except she can't say that to the friend, so she's coming here instead.

She doesn’t have it easy in some ways, her other half is very unhelpful compared to mine and she lost her mum so I do feel bad for feeling this way as she has had a rough few years.

It's fairly disgusting OP that you just casually throw this bit in near the end of your post. As if it doesn't really count.

You are inhumane and massively emotionally immature if you do not realise how devastating it can be to lose a parent.

But a council tenancy isn't for life anymore. Once DC leave him then I believe you have to downsize. How do you know she doesn't envy you ?