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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be jealous

87 replies

WinterBree · 18/05/2023 11:30

Im jealous of a friend of mine and I really don’t know why.

We’re both mid twenties with 2 children of similar ages (all under 4) and met in work probably around 6/7 years ago now.

Me and my partner own our home and both work full time. We do opposing shifts to save on the childcare. We are slowly doing the house up and whilst I love it it’s been hard work. Money is a little tight, we’re not struggling as such but purchases definitely have to be considered/saved for. I also have a bit of debt built up from paying for home improvements (new windows etc as ours were really old)

My friend took voluntary redundancy after having her youngest, I did request this also but wasn’t allowed. She had a nice pay out. She was living in a council flat but got moved to a brand new 3 bed house and has done it up as well as the garden. She is also entitled to quite a lot of benefits and doesn’t need to go back to work. Her other half does work but doesn’t earn a massive wage (I only know as he works where my other half used to). She’s always buying new clothes. On about a brand new car etc.

I just feel like we get penalised for working and owning a house. I know we are lucky in so many ways and I am grateful my kids will be able to hopefully have some money from the house to make them comfortable when the time comes. It just seems unfair that we have to scrimp and save and miss out on time with the kids. She doesn’t have it easy in some ways, her other half is very unhelpful compared to mine and she lost her mum so I do feel bad for feeling this way as she has had a rough few years. It’s got to the point though where I don’t really want to be around her as all she does is talk about what new things she is buying and what she can spend money on. AIBU?

OP posts:
Holdontightly · 19/05/2023 15:57

It’s got to the point though where I don’t really want to be around her as all she does is talk about what new things she is buying and what she can spend money on.

Have a little think about why that might be.

I wonder what you talk about when you're with her, and if you engage in a lot of droning on about stuff she doesn't have. Like your living parents, or your decent partner, or your career.

readbooksdrinktea · 19/05/2023 15:58

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 18/05/2023 11:56

🙄These 'disguised' benefit bashing threads are so fucking tedious.

Aren't they just?

Scottishskifun · 19/05/2023 16:13

I don't think your jealous as such more exhausted with the situation of caring for small children whilst working full time and currently money is not going as far as you would like it to. Plus the fact you put in for voluntary redundancy and didn't get accepted means you directly see "what could have been" with spending more time with your youngest.

Long term however its much harder to get back into the workplace and your still paying into a pension.

Comparison is a joy thief and you might find she is going on about new things to buy because she might be bored with day to day life!

Liorae · 19/05/2023 16:41

LucyIoo · 18/05/2023 13:57

You're comparing chalk and cheese.

You will own your property. She will own new clothes.

If you'd rather own the new clothes and not the house then make that choice. I guarantee you won't though, in reality your friend is likely jealous of you owning your own home when she probably never will.

I know two couples who used the council house years to save a deposit for a house of their own. Most couples in their mid 20s are renting privately, making it harder to save and less secure. Renting in your 20s does equate to never owning your home.

They may have a plan about which the OP knows nothing.

Ladysassy · 20/05/2023 22:35

Just think one day you will have payed for your house outright but she will for ever be paying rent.

Liorae · 20/05/2023 22:41

Ladysassy · 20/05/2023 22:35

Just think one day you will have payed for your house outright but she will for ever be paying rent.

OP might lose her house through circumstances, her friend/rival may buy. I don't have a crystal ball, do you?

caringcarer · 20/05/2023 22:54

The hardest years are always the hardest OP. I really struggled when my children were all small. I couldn't afford to give them the things I wanted to and DH And I both worked full time. Now the mortgage is paid off, the children are grown up and I find I can afford more or less anything I want. I have friends where only one parent worked and the other stayed home or only worked a very few hours each week and are really worried now, about how they can afford to put their DC through uni because they never earned enough to save. You will be in a much more comfortable position when your DC are ready to go to Uni. Just focus on you and your little family.

HepzibahSmyth · 21/05/2023 06:53

You should end the friendship. She deserves much better than a “friend” like you.

autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 07:27

TokyoStories · 18/05/2023 12:21

So she:

doesn't own her own home and might never

doesn't have a job so may be limited in any future career

A very unhelpful partner

A mum who died so she has limited support and is no doubt still grieving

Is entitled to 'quite a lot of benefits' despite her payout so I'm assuming it's something like PIP and she/her DC has/have a disability

Meanwhile you:

Have your own home in your mid 20s (more than most people that age and beyond could dream of)

A supportive partner

(Presumably) both your parents still alive so likely emotional, practical and financial support

A career

Enough money to do up your house

Financial security for your children

And you're jealous of her? Grow up.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Shirty48 · 21/05/2023 07:34

Drivesafe · 18/05/2023 14:57

You are allowed to feel how you feel. She is entitled to the benefits she receives.

If you are not enjoying her company and her friendship anymore that is okay just distance yourself and get on with your life.

If she is too sick to work or has a very disabled child then yes I agree she is entitled to her benefits. If not then she needs to work, staying at home when your kids are little is a lifestyle choice and it’s not right that the govt fund it.

TwoManyKids · 21/05/2023 07:46

CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 18/05/2023 13:58

Lol at the uncanny “arts and crafts” reference - I think we must know the same people!

I had to distance myself from 2 particular friends who were living their best, jammiest lives on benefits while I slogged away.

Particularly when my children came on the scene. It was a bitter pill to swallow that I made the wrong choice in choosing a man who stuck about rather than running off into the sunset with big daddy government!

Ah so now we turn in single parents...

ADHDmam · 21/05/2023 11:37

CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 19/05/2023 13:09

Brilliant, good on your parents! It is criminal that inheritances are taxed at all when income tax and NI has already been paid on those earnings. Plus savings interest will have been taxed.
It’s also criminal that when older people get sick and need care they have to use their slogged-for assets to pay for it, while those on benefit lifestyles from the age of 18 get everything handed to them.
Hopefully your parents will remain in full health but they should also transfer any assets over to you asap so they can claim state funded care if they need it. They’ve paid NI all their lives I’m sure, so it’s time to get something back.

Transferring all assets over to get state funded care is a role of the dice and not recommended.

You can be investigate for deprivation of assets, and if you need care, you’ll be classed as having notional capital, and it will NOT be funded.

and let’s be honest, when you’re in your 60s, mortgage free and about to reach your dotage with foreseeable care needs as you age… the LAs - who are working on threadbare budgets - WILL look at all ways to get out of funding care packages to ensure the meagre budget DOES go to those who need it most.

ADHDmam · 21/05/2023 11:47

and to add to my comment above - ‘the house always wins’, originally said about gambling establishments, but very much applies to government and local governments…

also, this post is massively benefit bashing and it’s frankly fucking gross.

I’ve been renting since I was 18, a single teenage mother. I’ve bettered myself in lots of ways but all you home owners stating any renter MUST be jealous. Fuck. Right. Off. So full of yourselves, it’s absolutely unreal!

Op, do your ‘friend‘ and fuck off out of her life. Who needs enemies with people like you?

Anoushkaka · 21/05/2023 11:51

I would rather my own home and supportive partner any day of the week over a council house and a dickhead partner.

Know a few people claiming benefits years and when myself and DH were struggling trying to work, pay mortgage and look after young kids I was quite jealous too. A few years on though and all our work has paid of. We have a beautiful home that's ours, savings, pensions etc. The ones on benefits are still living week to week with the risk of being homeless because the rents are increasing and there's a shortage of housing for council tenants. So nah, they can keep their benefit money.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/05/2023 12:00

They also pay council tax and a mortgage which you get no help with if you become unemployed.

Thats factually incorrect.

If you’re unemployed you can claim the same help toward your council tax as someone on benefits - it’s the same income based calculations. Council tax reductions aren’t based on home ownership (or non-ownership)

And whilst not as generous/helpful as previously because it’s now a loan, help toward mortgage interest payments still exists in the form of SMI.

NordicNora · 21/05/2023 12:01

It’s tough being jealous. It’s harder when you are working with kids and everything feels like a struggle. It will get better.

You will have a pension and better choices in the future. Don’t underestimate that.

I don’t envy anyone or want to be like anyone who is healthy and who has chosen to live on benefits or off their partner’s income. They are both the same thing to me. You have your own source of income. Good for you.

Curtains70 · 21/05/2023 12:03

Oh have a day off 🙄

TokyoStories · 21/05/2023 13:02

What horrible attitudes on this thread.

It’s almost as if some people are positively gleeful at the thought of people on benefits and/or in council properties still struggling years from now while they sit smugly on their ‘hard-earned’ assets, enjoying an early inheritance from their parents so they can benefit from free care in their old age (oh the irony).

I’m on disability benefits. To look at me you would never guess. I am not the unpleasant, stereotypical image of one that is peddled by the media, and the likes of some on this thread. I’m intelligent, clean, well-spoken and articulate. I’m kind and generous to others. I don’t talk about my past unless I’m asked about it. I don’t do drugs. I rarely drink.

I also have a ‘friend’ like the OP, pissed off that she apparently has nothing handed to her, unlike me.

Actually, she’s had a whole lot handed to her. She’s been handed a great deal of cards. She has a very supportive family who help her with a range of practical support, and an early inheritance on the way from the sale of the house. She can live with her mum rent free if she chooses, and has done previously. She will never have to worry about being homeless or without support. All of these things have set her up for success and security, and not one of them was ‘hard-earned’.

I, on the other hand, grew up being abused. My dad died when I was young. My mother was absent and neglectful. Extended family didn’t want anything to do with me. I ended up in care. There was and is no support, there will never be any family money. I have been technically homeless. I have a chronic illness and have had to attend every hospital appointment alone. If I have a general anaesthetic I have to ask a friend to pick me up and lie to the doctors that there will be someone with me during my recovery, because I can’t put that on my friends. If I’m ill I can’t call my mum and ask her to help. I have always had to do everything myself. And it’s hard. I have fought so hard and I’m still fighting, to get my degree and to build up to working full time because I don’t want to be on benefits forever. I volunteer twice a week to try to contribute to society as much as I can.

I hope the spiteful, disgruntled posters enjoyed reading that, I hope they got some smug satisfaction from the idea that in a few years’ time they’ll be flying and I’ll no doubt still be struggling, despite trying my best. But none of it matters because I’m just a feckless benefit claimant who gets handouts from the government whose life is worth nothing.

Always remember there is an actual person, and a story, behind every ‘benefit claimant’. And never forget what was handed to you.

Sunshine275 · 21/05/2023 16:37

Chances are she’s up to her eyeballs going and dreads the bills coming through.

Outofthepark · 21/05/2023 16:53

WinterBree · 18/05/2023 11:30

Im jealous of a friend of mine and I really don’t know why.

We’re both mid twenties with 2 children of similar ages (all under 4) and met in work probably around 6/7 years ago now.

Me and my partner own our home and both work full time. We do opposing shifts to save on the childcare. We are slowly doing the house up and whilst I love it it’s been hard work. Money is a little tight, we’re not struggling as such but purchases definitely have to be considered/saved for. I also have a bit of debt built up from paying for home improvements (new windows etc as ours were really old)

My friend took voluntary redundancy after having her youngest, I did request this also but wasn’t allowed. She had a nice pay out. She was living in a council flat but got moved to a brand new 3 bed house and has done it up as well as the garden. She is also entitled to quite a lot of benefits and doesn’t need to go back to work. Her other half does work but doesn’t earn a massive wage (I only know as he works where my other half used to). She’s always buying new clothes. On about a brand new car etc.

I just feel like we get penalised for working and owning a house. I know we are lucky in so many ways and I am grateful my kids will be able to hopefully have some money from the house to make them comfortable when the time comes. It just seems unfair that we have to scrimp and save and miss out on time with the kids. She doesn’t have it easy in some ways, her other half is very unhelpful compared to mine and she lost her mum so I do feel bad for feeling this way as she has had a rough few years. It’s got to the point though where I don’t really want to be around her as all she does is talk about what new things she is buying and what she can spend money on. AIBU?

Tbh sounds like her redundancy won't last long at the rate she's burning through it, and it probably wasn't a big payout any way given she's in her mind 20s. So before you both hit 30 she's probably gonna have to go back to the workforce with less money than you have and with a joke in her CV. In life you have to play the long game OP, appreciate the ebbs and flows.

Outofthepark · 21/05/2023 16:56

@TokyoStories I think you sound awesome. Just saying.

Grapewrath · 21/05/2023 17:24

Hard one this. She’s your friend so you shouldn’t be jealous. She is very lucky though. Some of the comments about how her life will look are very bitter and presumptuous tbh. She won’t necessarily live in benefits forever and have a shit retirement.
I got a council place due to a set of extraordinarily shit circumstances. However, my home is a beautiful little cottage by the sea. I do work now but worked part time when they were little due to being at uni. My friend used to get really jealous that she worked and bought a house in a not so great area, because she felt my life and home were better than hers. She’d make comments similar to on here about the future and being a good example to her kids because she was so envious.
Anyway fast forward 15 years- my kids are older and one is at uni. I’m back working in a professional job and although I struggle with the COL crisis, I know that I can progress. I’m still super happy in my little house and my ‘nest egg’ for the kids will be from inheritance that I will pass on to them.
My advice to you,OP is to feather your own nest and know that it will all be worth it one day, take your energy away from other peoples situations and do the best you can, for you

Grapewrath · 21/05/2023 17:28

Also the comment about the council moving her into a smaller house ‘at their will’ is completely inaccurate.
If your friend has a secure tenancy, the council will not move her out. The only way this would happen is if they needed the house back for major works or if they needed to sell the land. In which case, the tenant is offered ‘like for like’ properties to choose from.
it’s one thing being bitter, but spreading false information is quite another!

foxlover47 · 21/05/2023 17:34

Oh how the people in their 40/s who wasted their life with their kids doing arts and crafts and home diy must be resentful and bitter of you home owners !!!
Absolute crap !!!
This is a thread to benefit bash and stealth brag about one's children off to uni and home owning ...
Here's a thought ... my kids went to uni , single parent non home owner .. brillaint relationship with them , not bitter of any of my friends who own their homes because I want my "friends to be happy "

LadyRos · 21/05/2023 17:34

Jealously ruined a friendship for me, my “friend” being jealous of me.
jealously is a wasted emotion.