To find therapy totally overrated?

[HarryViles]

I would love to hear any positive stories.

I am struggling. Kids with additional needs. And a DH who isn't awful but he is like a kid himself and I feel worn down and resentful. I am the breadwinner and find DH like a lodger.

I keep going to therapy and we talk about me doing everything for others, sometimes we even talk about my dad and how angry and unpredictable he was.

But although feels good to talk in the moment - I leave and everything continues. I still can't see the way through and have spent nearly £1000 over the last year.

Can i just not find the right person? Am i expecting too much?

Last session they tried to make me do a pie chart of my "priorities" and I just felt like I was in some bloody team building exercise

Any tips?

Have you only ever had the one therapist?

I've never done a chart of my priorities with one so maybe it is the type of therapy she is trained in.

Ultimately if all you are doing is spending an hour venting but going home and behaving exactly the same as before, you could have just gone to the pub. The real work of therapy happens outside the therapy room.

Sounds like you might need a different type of therapy. Do you want coping strategies and techniques? Or do you want to understand yourself and where your thoughts/behaviours come from so you can make changes?

They can't change your life.

I've been through 3 or 4 therapists to find one who got me (and who would know exactly how I would react if he asked me to do a pie chart if anything!). I don't think it's overrated but there are also a lot of really shit therapists out there and really good therapists who you just don't really gel with.

What kind of therapist are your seeing? A psychologist? A psychotherapist? Or a Councellor. They all have different levels of qualifications. The will also have different therapeutic philosophies. That will impact the quality and fit of the therapy for you

Yep - me too, completely pointless *for me, I've tried it twice and both times could think of numerous other things I'd be better off doing, I honestly don't see the point chatting random about a problem that they can do nothing about. Or suggesting things that I've thought about already and that then ends up annoying me. One was my dad dying - that's something that happens in everyone's life, it's sad, but you need to get on with it and I don't think talking about it with someone you don't know helps.

However, I can see the point sometimes and it's helped a couple of friends either decide to leave their husbands or their husband's to decide that they need to change and the marriage works out.

it sounds like your husband just needs a daily list - mine often has one! He'll get the hang of it eventually.

LOL, these people are not God. They cannot change your mind, your heart, your nothing. I personally do not believe in such things but for the sake of being democratic, let's say let everyone does what they want.

Therapy might help mental illness, over-valued ideas, self-esteem problems, or help you change or leave a relationship. Its not going to change life being shitty and unfair or you having too much on your plate (though prioritising and moving something for you further up the list could be good... Maybe your therapist is onto something). Its you that will make the changes with the support of therapy, they can't do it to you. Would you be better doing couples therapy or a parenting group maybe depending on your goals or priorities.

Have you told your therapist you feel like this? In my experience feeling like that has led to conversations in therapy about what I want, what I wish was different, and it’s that that’s led to change.

If you never tell your therapist how you’re really feeling about them and about therapy you won’t get the growth and change that comes from being in a healthy relationship with them.

Maybe venting is a way for you to avoid what’s really going on for you?

Btw my therapist once had me write a spider diagram of what’s important to me. I really struggled to know what to write. He realised it wasn’t working and didn’t push me on it. That was years ago when I didn’t have a clue what I was feeling or what was important to me. I’ve since done a lot of work in therapy and would fill the page with my preferences, hopes, dreams, values etc!

Why are you seeing a therapist?

I've had good and bad, but I had a very clear goal of what I wanted to achieve or where I felt I needed help. I needed different therapists for different symptoms and diagnoses and life stages.

I want to see a therapist to work out why I keep ending up with men who want me to mother them. And why I mother them all and am this awful people pleaser. And then I build up all this resentment and then go crazy or just leave and never speak to them agai.n

do you build up the resentment with the therapist?

maybe this time instead of leaving, tell them about it and work through it?

I found it overrated too. I already do enough work without having to do more worksheets at home.
I saved the money and went on a solo holiday instead. Far more helpful.

I’ve been referred by my daughters hospital. My daughter is very poorly and the hospital keep making massive mistakes, losing tests, giving her the wrong drugs etc. It’s been an absolute shitshow. I’m so resentful of them I’m not going. Half of my problems are caused by them and the other half isn’t going to go away by talking. I’ve accepted that I’m not ready to engage with it so I’m not doing it. I can see how it could work if you are open to it thigh. X

Though*

Do you know what modality of therapy your counsellor practices, OP? Or are they a psychologist?
This is important, especially as you're looking for answers to specific issues.
When you had your first session, did your counsellor explain their model of therapy to you and ask what your expectations were?

It's very possible that whatever approach they practice isn't right for you. Are they BACP registered (British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapists) or are they registered with another institution?

Apologies for all the questions but I firmly believe that identifying the right therapeutic approach for you will help you see the way through.

I've had several therapists. One absolutely life-changing. Some meh. One who made things worse.

Its not a very well-regulated profession. And the reasons people see therapists are so varied, it's kind of bizarre that you have the same category of job for treating bereavement, relationship issues, anxiety, drug users, suicidal people, abuse victims etc etc etc.

I think it requires an awful lot of skill to do well. I'd look for someone who's highly trained, much more than just the basics.

I have felt this way with previous therapists but have been working with a psychoanalytic (aka psychodynamic) one recently and it's changed my life. Everything that goes on in the room becomes a sort of mirror where all your patterns come out - and the therapist helps you identify them. Amazing stuff. I recommend trying one out if you haven't already - and there are no worksheets ever

Do you trust your therapist OP? Do you feel emotionally ‘safe’ in sessions?

This is the most important thing for getting results. If you do trust them, tell them how you’re feeling and work through this.

You are obviously resisting this worksheet. But why? What if you committed to doing it properly and discussed it in a session?

I sort of think you have to surrender to the process to get the most out of therapy - and then it can be truly life changing.

I don’t know. I’ve recently had counselling after 15y of AD and a bit of minimal CbT (online, v basic). I just didn’t rate counselling - couldn’t see that it would work - which I’d why it took me so long (and last resort) to actually properly try it.

For me at this point it’s been as life changing as ADs were initially. I feel like counselling has given me more insights and tools Into myself and my thoughts. I don’t know if it’s magic (!) but basically my counsellor just listens, offers validation that I’m feeling that way and reflects back what I’m saying without offering suggestions or solutions.

maybe my issues were easily solved but having someone listen and hear me gave me space to feel how I feel - take time to think about what I felt and explore why I felt it and then think what I wanted to do about it (and made those decisions seem more obvious and possible).

I don’t know though. I think it felt like the ‘right time’ for me. If it’s not working for you trust yourself. Maybe find

I've tried it twice. Didn't help once. Made it worse the second time.

I prefer to take a pill or just battle on.

To be fair, they vary a great deal. Some are excellent, some ok, some utterly dreadful. Personally, I would never see a therapist who didn’t have a degree, ideally in psychology. I went through a therapy phase a few years ago, and one or two of them were, to put it politely, dim.

talk to your therapist about his you feel. Maybe try a different therapist? (I’m a convert of ADs too but I know they’re definitely not for everyone). I wish you well x

it's kind of bizarre that you have the same category of job for treating bereavement, relationship issues, anxiety, drug users, suicidal people, abuse victims etc etc etc.

well not really… all of those are varied symptoms you list but the root cause of all of them is emotional dysregulation. Therapists teach emotional regulation.